Husband never leaves the house , I can't take it anymore

[Longingforsummer583]

My husband is has sufferered from depression for a year now , he has reduced his life to zero over the past few years. I understand that this is not all within his control, it's the depression. But he's always been a homebody before this. He is well on the way to recovery now and I've spoken to him about it and he is very happy to stay at home 7 days a week, potter around, watch youtube, and occasionally do some gardening in the summer . He no longer works , doesn't see any family and doesn't have any friends . Will come on the occasional day out with us .
I used to be a sahm and I didn't need to return to work for the money, we are very lucky in that respect. Last year I went back to work full time as I needed to get out of the house myself and away from him.
As you can imagine being together 24/7 feels like a prison sentence and small things in the home get blown out of proportion as nothing else to focus on.
Since I've gone back to work it's really helped me mentally, I'm socialising and getting myself more of a life away from home . Our kids are older now so don't need us so much.
Husband is still doing exactly the same thing and loves it . Great for him. I have the ability to work from home two days a week. I thought this would be a fantastic way of working. In reality it's not , because he is there. All our old problems come flooding back on those days. We've just had another huge argument whilst I was on my 30 minute lunch break. I've now got to work for the next 4 hours feeling frazzled and upset .
Any time I want a day off from work, he will always be there. Like i say he is in this house 24 hours a day. So I can NEVER be alone. Unfortunately for me , if I don't get alone time my mental health starts to suffer .
How we can we move forward living in this way which we both aren't compatible with? I don't want to be at home all the time, he never wants to go out. I would like alone time in my home occasionally, I can't because he never goes out. I now dislike being in my own home and feel like I want to go out all the time. Winter is the worst as we are all trapped indoors

So sorry for you OP, seems you lose every way possible.

So it was ok when he earned the money and you stayed at home but now hes staying at home (due to illness) and you are working its a problem? Class him as a sahd?

Couldnt you work from a cafe?

Staying in all the time is not good for your mental health. Can he join a community allotment, go swimming, go to yoga or join a pottery or woodwork class? Aside from the woodwork class, which I've not tried, there are an equal number of both sexes at the others. I suffer from anxiety and low mood and they have really helped me. They're just small gentle groups that get me out of the house, help me relax and bring me joy.

His inactive lifestyle could increase his chances of a stroke or heart attack.. if you can encourage him to start exercising/walking for health reasons it may help get him out of the house for a while.. exercise is also supposed to be good for endorphins so it really should help him too..

Is it really just because you want an hour alone though? You say he's not pleasant to be around. That's a huge thing to live with and it's clearly having a big impact on you and that is not your fault. My ex was very depressed and it nearly destroyed me. I'm sending you all the good wishes.

As much as I sympathise with OP, people are really underplaying mental illness, people have called him lazy, in his comfort zone and selfish, the fact he’s been signed off work, on pip and has mental health workers indicate how ill he has been. By all means leave him if you need to but let’s not slate a man who is mentally ill

If you’re mentally unwell and agoraphobic, it’s not as simple as being encouraged to going a walk! She’s obviously tried that

Sure. But the therapist should be getting him to do this kind of thing. And he should be trying to work on his issues and help himself.

He isn’t. I’d be fed up too. He sounds useless.

Only thing I can suggest is legal advice to see if there is a way to leave without paying for him, once the kids get a bit older.

I feel dragged down reading your post. YANBU
What a thorougjly miserable way for him to live. I couldn't do that or live with someone who does. I think the best you can do at the moment is enjoy your hobbies and kids and time away from the house. I am now divorced amd love my space. New man wanted to move in. Alarm bells rag loudly. I said no and we split. I cant end up in this position again.
Bide your time. Make a life for yourself. Nobody else will do it for you

There would be no-one there: isn’t this what you are looking for?
tbh, it doesn’t sound like you need time on your own (as you don’t want to go into work to be alone), it sounds like you don’t want to be around your husband. Why on Earth are you still married?

But he isn’t doing the things a Sahd does. He can’t do anything that involves taking the children anywhere or providing for them.

Being a sahd involves cooking, cleaning, shopping, not just for food but actually going with dc to get their clothes, shoes, stationary and the other stuff that they suddenly need for the next morning. Taking them to extra curricular activities, meeting teachers, paying bills, organising insurance for home and car and booking the car for its mot and actually driving the car to the garage and talking to someone to hand the keys in and then getting his self home then having to go back out and collect the car and talking to the mechanic if there is a problem

If being a Sahd was all about pottering around the house and garden and watching tv then 100% he could be a sahd

He isn’t a SAHD. He is a man who has children who never leaves the house and has a working wife who does the Sahd jobs and bringing the money in so he can save his Pip and benefits money for himself.

I doubt that this dh wants to be a Sahd

All those offering solutions to Longingforsummer583 like going to a hotel or working in the office alone or getting a shed

Can you not see that it isn’t what she wants. She wants time alone in her own home with what she wants and has around her.
Not having to add another job to her mental load thinking about what she might need or want before she gets there.

Depression or not this guy has it made. He doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t wants to do and he has permission to carry on for life.

It sounds like a living nightmare & I can fully understand your frustration. Apart from watching tele all day, does he do the household chores? He sounds incredibly selfish & maybe needs a 'shock', ie you telling him that, if he continues like this & shows absolutely no effort in trying to combat his mental illness, you will be leaving / divorcing him when the children are older. If he loves you and cares about your mental health & need for your own space & time in your home, then that should be a big incentive for him to do something. If he doesn't hange, you'll end up feeling worse & worse about it all.

Longingforsummer583 whilst the usual rule is for the non working parent to get custody of the dc and the working parent to pay child maintenance, you need to find a lawyer who understands that whilst he might be classified as a dad who stays home, that is literally all he does

I think you need a lawyer who understands that if this guy is given custody of dc it will fall on the dc to cook and clean and do all the things in the home that he is supposed to be doing and you to keep on doing the other stuff like paying the bills etc so his life wouldn’t change and he gets to keep his benefits, Pip and CM whilst you continue to work and pay for the house he now owns and the children he has

How does having full custody of dc work if he only speaks to them when they are doing what he likes doing which is a form of control and abuse

Are you sure your dd idolises her dad or has he conditioned her that the only way of getting attention from him is to do what he likes.

Sod the money. Divorce, this is having a detrimental affect on your dc

You have to separate the depression from what I see as control. Depression does not excuse controlling behaviour.

Even on a practical level how does him getting the children up and ready for school without talking to them work.

Remember that his savings and his pension are all part of the marital assets

Why a mental health nurse? He needs a psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist and you might too. Look for the latter by searching those available in your area on the British Psychological Society website. If you don't feel you can afford it, use savings or get a better job. You have a completely non-functioning relationship because of his depression and potentially your way of coping with it. He's going to limit your life till the day he gets proper help. But you can do things for yourself in the meantime, taking you out of the house.

Hi. Your husband sounds pretty much the same as mine.
I'm like you where I definitely sometimes need my alone time and space. We've been lucky enough to change one of the bedrooms into a makeshift sitting room and I have a TV in my room so I'm able to just take myself off. If I have friends coming over he goes upstairs. I have a friend who's husband is also similar so must be more common than we realise. Maybe some of these things might be an option for you. Wishing you all the best x

I wil have to pay and go and see another solicitor for a second opinion. If we split at this time he would not take it well. He would fight me for everything. Those are the things that tell me he is much more capable.
When its something he wants he can do it . Everything else falls to me.
I think the answer going forward is to just accept the situation for what it is. Try to continue to make a life for myself outside of the home and kind of live around him whilst he is there.
The kids have finished for half term and I have the week off aswell. But instead of feeling happy it's just more time I have to spend with him!! I'm trying to come up with as many things for me and the kids to do to get us out of the house, obviously weather not great this time of year
During the summer my older child is hardly ever in as he is out with friends but not so much during winter .

@Longingforsummer583 That's so hard for you OP! He needs regular exercise & fresh air though. Could he be encouraged to go for walks? Being outside/in nature would also help his depression. Regular exercise would help him sleep better too as that can be a problem associated with depression. I really hope he's doing lots of chores around the house/cooking if you're now working f/t & he's at home 100% of the time? Honestly I need time alone in my own home too (everyone does). Good luck!

I’ve not read the full thread so if this has already been suggested then ignore me!

is your garden big enough to build a den/large summer house? Would your savings cover that cost? It could be used as your work space twice a week, if it had a tv and Duda in also it could be a nice teenage hangout in the evenings. But it could also be used by your husband when you need some time alone in the house. He could do there exactly what he’s doing inside the house without having to leave!

If he’s capable of fighting he’s much better than he’s pretending to be. What would happen if you asked him to leave?

I know this is not the most moral advice, but you should look into hiding your assets so he has nothing to take in the event of a divorce.

I echo what @logo1236 says and look at making an account in a friend or family members name to put money in. Make sure household stuff is split 50/50 exactly so you aren’t paying more.

Can you treat it as if he is a lodger or friend you live with? Don’t include him in plans for days out, you know he won’t come. Could you take the kids away on a holiday to get some time away, even a uk break at a friends or family members house? Put effort into friendships and family, build that external support- especially if he’s going to be a shit when you do split.

You are doing so well, you have a future(job/friends/fun) ahead of you whereas he’s going to end up a fat couch potato on benefits living in a messy flat.

This is for you

Next week half term
look online for kids activities in your area
swimming, bit cold but once your there tgat goes , have drink & snack after
library
shopping centre

when your working from home, tell him you have to go in for few hours to give you a break
library
cafe

weekend
go for a walk, leave kids with him . YOU time

@Longingforsummer583

I really feel for you. I am in a very similar situation but I am actually now separating from my DH. I started a thread about him being at home all the time here if you're interested:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4894767-dh-never-leaves-the-house?reply=129148494

It is so hard to be in this situation. I also thought about all the potential options - getting a garden shed for myself, camper van, even renting a room somewhere that I could go to. But the problem was that I would still be at home for some of the time, as obviously I want to see the dc, and I have to do the housework/ maintenance/ gardening etc as DH doesn't do any of it. Any time I put my key in the lock of the front door, my heart sinks as I know DH will be there, with the depressed energy that seems to surround him.

DH spends all day lying on the sofa or pottering around. When I've been absolutely desperate for some alone time, he'd agree to go out for a walk or a coffee by himself, and at some point I'd get a phonecall "Can I come back yet?". It's absolutely desperate.

I realised around Christmas that I just couldn't carry on like this for the rest of my life, however much i wanted to keep the family together for the dc, and the worry about finances. It is an utterly stifling and soul destroying way to live. There has been a lot of upset on both sides, but to cut a long story short, we are now separating and DH is moving into a flat.

What has really hurt me though is that now he has to move from the sofa and sort some things out, he is doing it. He is getting flat pack furniture for his new flat and putting it together. I have asked him for years to help me do things like that and he was always too tired or depressed. He has bought a lawn mower for the new place, whereas at our family home he very rarely mowed the lawn as he "had no energy". I actually feel now with my DH that he has been massively in his comfort zone, and basically wasn't doing things at home because he didn't want to, and could get away with not doing anything.

Re your financial position. I am in a similar position to you. We are currently talking to a mediator, who is also a solicitor. She said that in our position (I was a SAHM for years but now working, DH worked and was the higher wage earner for years but now not working) that it would be likely that finances and custody would be a 50/50 split if we went to court. My DH was dead set against speaking to lawyers but he has been ok with mediation, it seems less adversarial I guess.

I am thinking of you - it is an unbelievably stressful situation to be in.