Husband never leaves the house , I can't take it anymore

[Longingforsummer583]

My husband is has sufferered from depression for a year now , he has reduced his life to zero over the past few years. I understand that this is not all within his control, it's the depression. But he's always been a homebody before this. He is well on the way to recovery now and I've spoken to him about it and he is very happy to stay at home 7 days a week, potter around, watch youtube, and occasionally do some gardening in the summer . He no longer works , doesn't see any family and doesn't have any friends . Will come on the occasional day out with us .
I used to be a sahm and I didn't need to return to work for the money, we are very lucky in that respect. Last year I went back to work full time as I needed to get out of the house myself and away from him.
As you can imagine being together 24/7 feels like a prison sentence and small things in the home get blown out of proportion as nothing else to focus on.
Since I've gone back to work it's really helped me mentally, I'm socialising and getting myself more of a life away from home . Our kids are older now so don't need us so much.
Husband is still doing exactly the same thing and loves it . Great for him. I have the ability to work from home two days a week. I thought this would be a fantastic way of working. In reality it's not , because he is there. All our old problems come flooding back on those days. We've just had another huge argument whilst I was on my 30 minute lunch break. I've now got to work for the next 4 hours feeling frazzled and upset .
Any time I want a day off from work, he will always be there. Like i say he is in this house 24 hours a day. So I can NEVER be alone. Unfortunately for me , if I don't get alone time my mental health starts to suffer .
How we can we move forward living in this way which we both aren't compatible with? I don't want to be at home all the time, he never wants to go out. I would like alone time in my home occasionally, I can't because he never goes out. I now dislike being in my own home and feel like I want to go out all the time. Winter is the worst as we are all trapped indoors

I agree, it seems unlikely that a father with proven mental health issues would be given sole custody.

Sorry OP haven't read the full thread. I am a SAHM to a 2.5yo and my husband WFH until my DC was about 2 and I told him he had to go back to work as I was finding it suffocating for him to always be at home. I would actually give him an ultimatum. So what if he has depression, being at home and doing nothing is only going to make him more depressed and I'm sure it's now making you depressed too. He sounds incredibly selfish, no one would want to be in a relationship with someone like this, how incredibly draining.

Actually he sounds lazy too. Leave him

Do you have a garage that could be converted into a studio apartment? You could get it done & move him into it. Then he can slob out whenever he wanted to, you & the kids would have the house to yourselves & the divorce could be put on the back burner until the kids are older & you are in a better position. I feel sorry for your kids, do they ever bring friends home? It must be embarrassing for them to have him slobbing around all the time, he isn't setting them a good example.

@arseinthecoopwindow

You have to be pretty bad on full rate pip. I’m on it and can’t look after anyone.

l agree it is meant to be used to pay for services to help like cleaning, gardening etc. That’s how l use mine.

Some people on enhanced pip can and do look after their own children though. Not everyone on enhanced can (I receive enhanced myself and couldn't provide physical care for anyone) but lots of disabled parents do provide care for their children. Thats all my point was.

My closest friend is on enhanced for lifelong mental health conditions and has been for years, she's a single parent and her abusive ex tried all sorts of stuff to manipulate her into not leaving him, she'd be trapped with him if her receiving pip meant she'd lose custody of her child.

My bil gets enhanced and he's his mother's carer and has his children 50/50.

One of my online friends has three children between 17 and 20 who all get full enhanced for autism and adhd and they work/volunteer in childcare or care home roles. Not full time work because they have college and uni too but a few days a week they provide care.

Like I say, I cant provide physical care for anyone but I know others who care for their own children who claim PIP.

whats that got to do with being asked for advice and choosing to full on drip divorce into her ears? Wouldnt you be angry for life with adults who sold that to your mother rather than anything constructive? It’s horrible behaviour.

OP has ruled out and rejected all suggestions for a practical, constructive, solution. There have been quite a few suggestions.

And OP has already sought advice from a lawyer re divorce.

She hasn’t ruled out ‘all’ suggestions. There are always constructive steps to take. Defaulting to LTB is immoral when there is no abuse and there are kids involved.

Oh, okay. Please tell OP.

OP- if you are still here, it sounds very hard. I had depression and something I it made me very self-involved and narcissistic, and that no-one wanted to be around me. He is able to do things but he will be fatigued afterwards and he currently is not able to manage any human connection because he can't actually feel any feelings.

He cannot change how he feels, but it is completely reasonable to for you to have basic expectations for his behaviour.

When you are depressed, the thoughts are so overwhelming you can't get on with anything.

1. I found that a proper Supernanny star-chart and house rules just took some of the cognitive energy and they really helped me. Start with personal activities of daily living, i.e. getting up at the same time each day, regardless of how he feels, then breakfast then shower etc. I always went for 3 times a week for 2 weeks, then 4 times a week, then 5 times. and usually when you get to that stage it just kicks in anyway. You do have to follow through on the rewards even if you feel like you don't need it. When this has worked he can then do exercise i.e. walk for 20 mins 3 times a week etc..
2. Also give him 1 day in the week (mine is on Saturday) were there are no expectations at all and never will be so if something falls even if it is a birthday/Christmas on that day it doesn't matter he can say no guilt-free. When I did this I found that I would usually be feeling fine by about 10am in the morning and could get on with things.

You need to work through your anger before you set in motion change. This isnt personal towards you, even if it really feels like it is. If you haven't already and you can afford it get someone to talk to that it completely on your side, but won't interfere i.e. a counsellor, person in the church or a trusted friend. Vent it out :)

Best of luck xxxx

I'd try not to have big arguments and try to converse calmly.

Can you and the children each ask DP to go for a walk together to nearby park twice per week?
Can you each ask DH to give them some company a few times per week when you buy milk or bread?
Can you invite family over to your place every time for a while? DH needs to newly aquaint himself with family. Once he feels happy have them ask DH to accompany them down to pick up beers, get some fish or pick something up from Hardware Shop. Take it all slowly. (though I expect you have tried)

Have DH be responsible to take kids to their sport or work, or pick them up. So, I would try first to work on getting DH out of the house.

Other ideas ..
Purchase a granny flat or a garden Summer House or an investment property. Own it and have DH have to spend time there working on maintenance. Take your day off work when he is spending a lot of time at other building. You could also spend your day off relaxing in the Summer House.
Encourage DH to make an haven of a workshop in his garage or shed and to spend time there.
Have his child come and pick him up to go fishing on your day off.
Encourage DH to grow all the family vegetables and to spend large tracts of time in the garden - giving you more solace inside.
Give yourself your own room.
All of DH medical appointments need to be made on days you are home.

Insist on a date night every fortnight. He has to find you attractive enough to take walk, see a film, drive through a Drive-Thru or swim in the sea. Do you need marriage counselling?

.

I know where you are coming from although our reasons are different.

I am semi retired but work from home about 2 days a week - however, its sporadic work over the week here and there and I have to jump when I get some in, sort it, and then I get on with house bits and pieces.

My husband is off sick with an injury that requires rest mainly until a diagnosis but also regular movement to avoid DVT/ceasing up etc. Hes only been off a week and its driving me nuts - he keeps interupting my work coming to see "if I need anything" "if theres anything he can do" "you are always working" errrrr, yeah! I know he is probably climbing the walls at the moment because he is used to doing stuff - he never stops. Hopefully this will end when he is better but I do know where you are coming from!

This is your problem.

You seem jealous of him being able to stay indoors and now resent him.

He has poor mental health and wants to stay in.

If you are not happy with the situation then leave.

She’s your daughter. Would you expect a spouse to sacrifice their life to her illness too.

Or how about this way- would you tell your future, well daughter that she owes someone else the care and compassion she is currently receiving, and she was being “way too focused on her own needs” if she struggled to do so?
No, of course you wouldn’t because you are also perfectly aware that OP is throwing her life down the toilet to a disease that doesn’t care for a man that’s monstrously ungrateful, abetted my mental heath professionals that happily throw everyone else under the bus.

OP, you need to start a revolution. The first thing I would suggest is that you completely abandon any pretense that you are happy about this, that you know he is milking it, and that you aren’t prepared to put up with it anymore. He genuinely doesn’t think you have a right to be happy. He doesn’t care about you, that’s character, not illness.
I would also be putting the MH people on the straight and narrow, and let them know the marriage is ended due to his behaviour.

If your DH needed you to go out to the gym etc to get yourself back well again, could you do it?

You said you couldn't go to the gym, but what if he needed you to get fit and strong and recover so you could get back to work and to have a life again (like OP's H), then could you?

This all involves the dh wanting to get better and I don’t think he does. He likes his life. He is relishing the fact he has a pass to not participate in real life for the next 4 years and everyone around him is enabling him.

Given his family and past history I am unsure that the not leaving the house isn’t actually related to his depression but part of his personality that was there prior to the depression diagnosis

His mental health team suggest things that he might do to help himself and he won’t try

It has been 2 years, his Mh team have said it could be another 4 years and that is if he does try to get better.

Star charts I don’t think will cut it as that suggests he wants something and I don’t think he does apart from wanting to live his life in peace

I suggest that op listens to him and does just that.

Obviously I don't have the same level of knowledge as his mental health team, but I'm surprised theyre not encouraging him to take little steps. That's how it usually works with CBT and things like anxiety or phobias. There's not some point at which you magically start healing without doing the hard work. All he's doing is getting more stuck. Not having done things for longer tends to make it much harder to make any changes let alone break the negative patterns. If you can find a way to get a bit of a break from him maybe then you coold focus on getting yourself into a better place to leave whether that's in the near future or when the kids leave home. Long term will you do ok on minimum wage? Could you retrain or any on the job ways to progress?

I wouldn't bother trying to get him off the couch anymore, go out, get on with your life, have fun with the kids and minimise interactions with him. You might find you're less resentful if you can carve out a place in the house of your own and effectively write him off in your mind as someone you expect anything from. Ultimately his life is small and limited and as much as it's shit for you to be doing it all on your own you wouldn't want to ever swap places and live the life he does.

OP this sounds an awful situation. Whether he is depressed or not, he sounds like he is not putting any effort into anything. Doesn't sound like you are getting anything out of this relationship.
I just couldn't stand it.

To work full time.just to avoid him seems incredible. It's obvious you don't like him, at all. Do you not think it would be better just to divorce and have your own flat? Rather than carry on living like this?

My husband has been like this for years. He works from home too which has been even worse for his mental health. We are now separating and I’m buying a house for me and our children. I want a life and haven’t had one for years. He never wants to do anything and I do!

How can I split the family up just because I want an hour to myself occasionally?

I'm so sorry OP, you're in a horrible situation.

Wanting an hour to yourself occasionally is just the tip of the iceberg of your natural feelings about being stuck with this selfish man who drags you down. There are many, many, many more benefits to not being with him. Please find out! You quite literally cannot imagine how much better life can be.

Splitting the family up is an excellent idea. I'm sure the kids are longing for you to do just that, because they can see perfectly well how utterly miserable you are and why.

This will only get worse over time. Imagine him in his 90s and how you'll feel watching him absorbed in TV.

He'll be perfectly fine without you. He doesn't really need much of a world around him.

The other issue is this must make him really boring - what do you talk about? Not the big stuff, but the end of the day chit chat? Mr Monkey and I always have a chat about our days, things we have done and seen etc.. yesterday I told him about an evening event I went to at our local museum on their future plans, he told me about some new stuff he is doing at work and a funny coloured cat he saw on the way home (he loves spotting interesting or cute cats when out and about!)

You are getting pissed off with each other as you have little outside stimulation

There is a reason why people in shows like Big Brother get obsessed with minunitae and argue as they are cooped up together with no outside stimulation.

I don't think I could live like this for my entire life, it will only get worse when you're both retired.

The fact that you used all of your inheritance to pay off the mortgage on the house (joint asset), but he still gets to keep all of his savings shows a huge lack of regard for you.

As others have said, I'd take the financial hit and leave, if you're sure he has no interest in working again what are his plans when the benefits stop? Use the savings? How long will they last?

I am in a very similar situation. This is how I manage things….

first of all, you need to accept the situation, choose your battles, and make a different life for youself. Join a new group/ get a new hobby/ interest.
So for me, I got myself a bike, and I just go off on a wee bike run, fresh air and exercise thrown in and I also got myself a second hand camera, go to the local park and check out the birds and flowers, again fresh air and exercise. Concentrate on your own mental health and well being.

I totally get needing to have your own space and me time….

We are now in seperate bedrooms so I am lucky enough that I do have my own space. I have decorated it to suit my taste, it’s my wee sanctuary. I have a tv so can watch programmes that interest me in the evenings.

I also escape to the bath just to get away from him!

My working pattern is similar to yours, 3 days in office, 1 day working from home. 3 days off, on one of those days off I escape, go someplace wether it visiting my parents, go out walking, meet a chum for lunch.

You mention you have a garden, if he has savings, could you persuade him to get a shed with windows / garden room / summer house , where you could create another space.

“can't see a future for us because I hold such anger and resentment now, and everything. about him has become so difficult for me I can't see a happy relationship for us going forwards”

I, on occasion, still get angry and feel resentment . It’s so fecking hard.
I have lost my partner, my best friend, my soul mate, financial security, friends . However, I have accepted that this is it, I choose my battles, and have created a different life for myself in order for it to work. It’s very easy for others to say to leave him, but that’s not always possible.

Sending you a virtual hug 🤗