Husband never leaves the house , I can't take it anymore

[Longingforsummer583]

My husband is has sufferered from depression for a year now , he has reduced his life to zero over the past few years. I understand that this is not all within his control, it's the depression. But he's always been a homebody before this. He is well on the way to recovery now and I've spoken to him about it and he is very happy to stay at home 7 days a week, potter around, watch youtube, and occasionally do some gardening in the summer . He no longer works , doesn't see any family and doesn't have any friends . Will come on the occasional day out with us .
I used to be a sahm and I didn't need to return to work for the money, we are very lucky in that respect. Last year I went back to work full time as I needed to get out of the house myself and away from him.
As you can imagine being together 24/7 feels like a prison sentence and small things in the home get blown out of proportion as nothing else to focus on.
Since I've gone back to work it's really helped me mentally, I'm socialising and getting myself more of a life away from home . Our kids are older now so don't need us so much.
Husband is still doing exactly the same thing and loves it . Great for him. I have the ability to work from home two days a week. I thought this would be a fantastic way of working. In reality it's not , because he is there. All our old problems come flooding back on those days. We've just had another huge argument whilst I was on my 30 minute lunch break. I've now got to work for the next 4 hours feeling frazzled and upset .
Any time I want a day off from work, he will always be there. Like i say he is in this house 24 hours a day. So I can NEVER be alone. Unfortunately for me , if I don't get alone time my mental health starts to suffer .
How we can we move forward living in this way which we both aren't compatible with? I don't want to be at home all the time, he never wants to go out. I would like alone time in my home occasionally, I can't because he never goes out. I now dislike being in my own home and feel like I want to go out all the time. Winter is the worst as we are all trapped indoors

Absolutely this, this is why I had a problem with my DH wfh and not doing anything else. He became incredibly boring and had literally nothing interesting to ever talk about

I lnow some people can't help it because they are ill, but staying indoors all the time seems like such a waste of a life. There is a whole world out there.

Evening in deepest lockdown we wallked miles and miles a day, discoverig new places, noting the changing seasons etc..

I’d leave.

life is too precious to be this unhappy.

I agree.

Your problem is you keep claiming you would struggle financially if you left your husband, when you actually mean that you would struggle to live comfortably. It is privileged and insulting to people who would actually struggle if they left their spouses.

@AuContraire No i couldn't do it and I wouldn't appreciate him putting that kind of pressure on me. I currently can't go out alone so DH has to go everywhere with me if I go out. When my daughter was in hospital, he had to take me there and pick me up using the bus as I just can't do it on my own.

@LeoTheLeopard My DH is not my daughter's father and yes, he has sacrificed a lot to help me care for her. He also cares for her and helps me with certain things. I'm thankful that he is similar to me and has the view that family comes first.

I would expect my daughter to show the same compassion to others that she was shown but I would also encourage her to get support for herself too.

I hope your husband finds the right support for him self.
I can stay indoors for weeks i have agoraphobia and it awful when someone tells you oh just get up and go out.
Its not that easy.

Would you like it if he up and left you because you were unwell.
You sound like you dont like him very much.

I have agoraphobia too, it's hard isn't it? It's near on impossible to just get on with things 😔

OP, ignore the posters saying you should be more supportive. You have done enough. I think you have stopped reading anyway though.

MN has a huge number of people who don't understand carer fatigue and would like carers to work themselves into the ground.

I understand carers fatigue all too well. Like I said, I care for someone 24/7 as well as having my own mental health problems.

Caring for your daughter is completely different. I know, I have done it. Carer fatigue in a marriage is a valid reason to leave.

Nobody needs to stay in a marriage they are so unhappy in. This isn't about having no time alone. It's bigger than that.

That's where we will have to agree to disagree. I don't think it's a valid reason to leave if you love someone. Love shouldn't be dependent on whether someone is well or unwell. Thankfully my DH doesn't feel that way and wouldn't dream of leaving me because I am unwell.

However, I don't believe the OP feels that way about her husband anymore.

As for the people saying OP sounds as if she doesn't like him very much, yep. He isn't likeable or lovable at the moment. Not that he cares.

His MH team are definitely enabling him and OP will be too, if she stays.

He's properly stitched you up. Could you say that you need the savings to buy a garden pod or that you are considering putting the house on the market because you want a proper home office. You've got to find a way to get that money off him.
If your wages are going into a joint account, put a stop to it and make him use his money to pay his share of bills.
Worst case scenario, you hold out until the kids are bigger and then leave. In the meantime try and get hold of as much money as you can that he doesn't know about and therefore can't touch.

@StopTheQtipWhenTheresResistance Crosspost. Very obviously, the OP does not love her husband at all, and why should she? Love isn't unconditional. Put some effort in if you want to be loved.

As I said my DH has diabetes. If he sat around all day eating sugar, drinking and refusing to exercise, I would eventually stop loving him.

@Longingforsummer583 I totally understand. My other half has had depression for many years and has taken early retirement as a result. I’m an introvert and I am never able to just sit and enjoy the peace in my home alone. On the day I do not work I would occasionally just like to sit and watch crap on the TV with a glass of wine or get out my sewing machine. However we have very different tastes in film and the table in our living room is covered in stuff for some of his interests. It is very difficult he does sometimes go out to run some errands or to get some fresh air with a stroll. But I never have the place to myself for more than a couple of hours.

I think it is a little different though as mental health issues are what prevents someone from taking responsibility for their health. Someone with diabetes has the motivation to look after their health (providing no MH problems in addition) but when the illness actually affects the mind, it's not that easy.

When love goes, it goes. For whatever reason.

It’s a bit different and more complex if you’ve married someone but I know in a relationship where I wasn’t married or shared kids, I’d walk out if my partner was living this way or making me unhappy in others ways, over an extended period of time whether I loved him or not and this irrespective of whether he was depressed.

The reason being is I love myself too. And this could trigger my own mental health feelings eventually.

And I might start to feel resentment as well as exhaustion if he was dragging me down too like OP’s husband.

The OPs husband is in a very comfortable situation where isn’t being challenged to take steps towards recovery and step out of his comfort zone . Note how OP said he says he is happy as he is.

I’ve battled mentally ill-health but because I had to drag myself out of bed and work most days I got it done. I suspect if he didn’t have his benefits and his wife doing everything the situation wouldn’t have even arisen let alone continued for so long.

If OP’s husband was on a battlefield and had to walk for 30 mins to get off the battlefield for safety and to stay alive he’d certainly walk. I would expect.

Just because something is uncomfortable or scary in day to day living doesn’t mean to say we should continue to avoid it. Phobias are just that, unreal fear.

Would he consider psychedelics in his recovery?

https://www.kcl.ac.uk/research/psychoactive-trials-group#:~:text=The%20trial%20was%20conducted%20across,measured%20changes%20in%20depression%20symptoms.

There is some excellent data coming out about on how this beats refractive depression.

Having tried some myself in my youth I can attest to the power of how these drugs alter your mind. They really are truly life changing.

He has to want to get better though and this appears to be the biggest problem: he doesn’t want to. It’s like he’s addicted to his depression.

@Darklingthrush123 @Longingforsummer583

You can't insist he go out, but sometimes I ask my husband for "a bit of space". What about asking him and offering a tenner to go to Starbucks or something?

@Duechristmas perfect, here’s how to do it. Tell him you are looking forward to getting hot and sweaty together. Explain that the day off in the week has always been when you do chores. With him there too, you can write a big list in the morning , get everything done and then go for a walk/ out to lunch/ watch a film together in the afternoon. He will either adapt, which he should, or roll back on the togetherness front. Win win.

Haven’t RTFT, but I sympathize hugely, OP, as I’m also someone who needs their own space.

Now that both DH and I WFH far more, this can be so hard to find. He has a proper home office (I don’t so I sit in the living room), and this morning (we’re in the US so still early) he’s come down several times to ask me things or potter making tea, etc.

OK, he’s clearly having a slow work morning, but I need to focus😡. This happens so often nowadays, he just won’t bugger off and he’s not depressed like your DH.

This is an absolutely valid way to feel, OP. (I reckon 90% of women fantasise about living alone.) But in your case, it sounds hellish. I don't blame you for resenting him and I think you deserve a better life.

I've found telling mine to just 'fuck off' works a treat. He generally immediately fucks off, and to his credit doesn't seem to mind being told to.