Husband never leaves the house , I can't take it anymore

[Longingforsummer583]

My husband is has sufferered from depression for a year now , he has reduced his life to zero over the past few years. I understand that this is not all within his control, it's the depression. But he's always been a homebody before this. He is well on the way to recovery now and I've spoken to him about it and he is very happy to stay at home 7 days a week, potter around, watch youtube, and occasionally do some gardening in the summer . He no longer works , doesn't see any family and doesn't have any friends . Will come on the occasional day out with us .
I used to be a sahm and I didn't need to return to work for the money, we are very lucky in that respect. Last year I went back to work full time as I needed to get out of the house myself and away from him.
As you can imagine being together 24/7 feels like a prison sentence and small things in the home get blown out of proportion as nothing else to focus on.
Since I've gone back to work it's really helped me mentally, I'm socialising and getting myself more of a life away from home . Our kids are older now so don't need us so much.
Husband is still doing exactly the same thing and loves it . Great for him. I have the ability to work from home two days a week. I thought this would be a fantastic way of working. In reality it's not , because he is there. All our old problems come flooding back on those days. We've just had another huge argument whilst I was on my 30 minute lunch break. I've now got to work for the next 4 hours feeling frazzled and upset .
Any time I want a day off from work, he will always be there. Like i say he is in this house 24 hours a day. So I can NEVER be alone. Unfortunately for me , if I don't get alone time my mental health starts to suffer .
How we can we move forward living in this way which we both aren't compatible with? I don't want to be at home all the time, he never wants to go out. I would like alone time in my home occasionally, I can't because he never goes out. I now dislike being in my own home and feel like I want to go out all the time. Winter is the worst as we are all trapped indoors

@Mainats 🤣 Mine would be really upset. I have mentioned that he pokes his nose in too much, but it doesn’t make much difference.

He's from a large family so he’s used to sharing space all the time (never had his own bedroom, for example). He just wanders into rooms when I’m changing, brushing my teeth, etc. I’m an only child and I hate it!!

@Loveagingernut · Today 07:34

I am in a very similar situation. This is how I manage things….

first of all, you need to accept the situation, choose your battles, and make a different life for youself. Join a new group/ get a new hobby/ interest.
So for me, I got myself a bike, and I just go off on a wee bike run, fresh air and exercise thrown in and I also got myself a second hand camera, go to the local park and check out the birds and flowers, again fresh air and exercise. Concentrate on your own mental health and well being.

I totally get needing to have your own space and me time….

We are now in seperate bedrooms so I am lucky enough that I do have my own space. I have decorated it to suit my taste, it’s my wee sanctuary. I have a tv so can watch programmes that interest me in the evenings.

This is what I have done, and I think a lot of women have done it too. Sometimes you don't necessarily want to leave, you just want space - and time to yourself, and when you have a DH who NEVER leaves the house, it's hard to get it.

The LTB posters really annoy me. It's easy for THEM to say. As has been said, it is NOT that easy to just leave. And in fact, some women don't WANT to. Why should they give up a fairly comfortable lifestyle that they have worked hard for, for many years, just to get a bit of time to themselves, whilst living on the bones of their arse with just their wage?! This isn't Coronation Street. It's not that easy to pack your life into 2 suitcases and fuck off and leave and start a new life ... Especially when you have been together/married many years, and are tied together in so many ways. And it's even harder if you are 55+ (And no '55 is soooo young' comments please. They are just tedious!)

As you say (and so have some others,) you can get time to yourself by taking up new hobbies, and meeting new people. I go for LOADS of walks - 5 or 6 of them a week, 3 miles at a time, and spend loads of time in the garden in summer. (DH thinks it's 'boring' spending time in the garden, and spends 90% of the time I am out there indoors watching TV!) I am also part of several hobby groups, and have a few lovely friends.

Like your DH, and the OP's, and a number of others, my DH doesn't want to do anything much of the time, and CBA to even go for a walk. I would say he comes with me twice a month! He is good company on day trips and holidays etc, as he is occupied, and not just sitting watching TV, but it takes some effort getting him to do anything! Funny thing is he enjoys it when he does do it!

But yeah, as has been said, it's NOT that easy to JUST LEAVE your husband, and many women don't WANT to, they want him to improve! And as I said, why should any woman give up a financially comfortable situation and fairly nice life that she has worked so many years for, to move into an extortionately priced little flat, have just her income, end up working all the hours God sends just to pay the bills, and not have a pot to piss in?! Better the devil and all that!

I think @EbonyRaven your DH isn't as bad as the OP's. He works and comes out with you twice a month. But the OP's seems just intolerable to me.

Fair enough @Sususudio You are probably right. My DH is hard work sometimes - and some weeks worse than others!!! But he could be a lot worse I suppose! (And he does have some redeeming qualities. Kind, funny, generous.)

I think there's a lot of comments on here that are judgemental and very unfair.

You don't get high rate PIP for no reason. It's notoriously difficult to qualify for. It's also not bloody easy to get ongoing support from mental health services right now. The fact that the OP's DH has both suggests that actually he really does have significant mental health problems.

We all talk about taking mental health difficulties seriously, and the importance of taking care of mental health....and yet there's an enormous pile-on here on this thread ridiculing DH and his MH problems, dismissing his difficulties. This is the perfect example of people with MH not being taken seriously.

I also think that if a woman was describing this kind of MH problem with high rate PIP granted and ongoing support from a mental health nurse, no one would be describing her as lazy or denying that she had a genuine medical condition.

The problem is that multiple things can be true concurrently and that's what's conflating the issue.

*DH has significant MH difficulties.
*DH manages to keep his head above water and manage his symptoms by the lifestyle he leads ie/staying at home.
*DH may also be bloody lazy and using his MH as a reason not to help out more with the chores. Trouble is, difficulty with chores/activities/motivation is also a symptom of depression/MH problems so hard to say which one it is....
*DH is perfectly entitled to stay in his own home 24/7 if that's what he wants to do. No one should HAVE to leave their home to make someone else happy.
*OP is perfectly entitled to want some personal space in her own home. It's bloody hard to be around other people 24/7.
*OP is understandably grieving the marriage she had, the lifestyle they led, and what she thought she was going to get from her future life

The trouble is that many of the above things are in conflict. OP needs a space of her own to be able to figure out what she wants, and what her future looks like. DH doesn't want to leave his home which is also fair enough. The only suggestion that seems viable is creating a space somewhere in the home that the OP can escape to - loft conversion? Summer house?

Some of the comments on this thread are shocking about DH having "no life" and "just existing". Some people are perfectly happy just being at home. Just because you wouldn't feel fulfilled doesn't mean that other people aren't either. There's such sweeping condemnation for people who don't fit the societal norms. This man has MH problems which qualify him for high rate PIP - and to suggest MH professionals are "enabling him" is quite frankly ridiculous.

Sometimes with MH difficulties, managing the bare minimum is all you can do. And you might function pretty well in that environment - but try to take even the smallest step and it all comes crashing down. It's very clear that some people here don't understand that not everyone can magically recover, even by pushing themselves. Not everyone is able to push themselves, sometimes it's just too much.

OP is understandably fed up. But honestly, she said they had a big row - and that was caused by her coming down at lunchtime and sniping at him for not moving. How is that helpful?!

OP needs to think about whether she can live with this situation, without constantly picking and causing rows because she's so resentful. The current set-up isn't healthy for anyone and it's not fair to the DC to have parents who are bickering and causing an unpleasant home atmosphere.

I don't know if it's possible but I wonder whether OP could talk to DH's mental health nurse about the impact on the wider family, and whether it would be feasible for him to take a more active role, at least within the home.

And just for the record, my DP is at home 24/7. He's not been able to work due to ill health since September 2022 and probably won't ever go back to work. I have two home educated DC who are both autistic, and one with high needs. I work F/T but I'm self-employed and work from home. I CRAVE some me time and peace and quiet. One of the DC needs support through the night til around 4am or so. I get it. I get how exhausting it is being a carer. Especially when you have to work as well. And I get how it can feel unfair that the sick person gets to sit around and watch TV while you're juggling it all. I am in the OP's shoes too so I really do understand what it's like.

But the reality is that our partners didn't choose to be sick. I'm sure they would rather not have gone through what they have. And sometimes recovery isn't quick or straightforward. Sometimes it's just not going to happen at all. Mental health is particularly difficult - it's not like rehabilitating a broken leg.

What you need to figure out OP is what you actually want to do, and what you can live with in the meantime without constant resentment and frustration bubbling over. You deserve to be happy but your DH also can't help being unwell. It's a shit situation for everyone and it's about making choices that are right for you.

I’m still utterly shocked at the number of people sleazily pushing divorce and this one even saying she’s ‘sure the kids are LONGING for her to divorce’. Unbelievably cruel and vicious. I’m sure OP would rather save her marriage if she could, or at least try, and would like productive suggestions such as a caravan or summerhouse and MH professionals intervening with help for her. If she decides to divorce that’s a long drawn out and carefully considered joint decision after failing to resolve a common problem.

OP, you’ll be amazed how much a small change will help, and will build over time and you may of course decide to opt out in the future. But for now what I’m hearing is your frustration with your husband’s illness, so please don’t let the harpies on here push you into divorce from their own projections.

I get high rate PiP but still work full time. Maybe because I live alone. I dont know.

This isn't something that can be solved with a summerhouse. The OP is 40. That's a bit early to give up on ever going out for a meal with your DH and DC. Such low standards on here, and anyone who wants better from their marriage is a 'harpy'.

I'd say this about a woman too.

Omg.....life is way way way too short to live this way. Just think how resentful you'll feel in a few years if you stay and waste your best years of your life with him. He can live his life the way he wants ...if this is how he chooses to spend it...then that's fine and on him. But he can't drag you down with him. He might have mental health issues but tbh it sounds like he's now programmed/institutionalised himself into his new normal way of living.

I think maybe the summerhouse thing is just to buy the OP a bit of time and space as she’s indicated she doesn’t want to leave the marriage just yet.

While I have a lot of sympathy for her DH, ultimately if he’s content to accept a lifestyle without the things that OP wants then long-term they’ll have to split. She doesn’t have to accept a lifestyle that makes her unhappy.

It’s just making life tolerable for everyone until OP reaches the point with her DC where she’s ready to make the change. A bit of breathing space might just do that.

Wow alot of comments!! I've been at work all day, I've just caught up.
That is what the solicitor said but I can see another
I also asked on the divorce board on here and had hundreds of comments telling me the same thing, that he would be entitled to more than 50% of the house due to his inability to work. And I would have to pay maintenance.
There is absolutely no way that I am willing to risk that ,. Once I start proceedings and then that happens my life will be worse than it is now. I will hardly see my kids , I won't have any money and nowhere to live !! How will I manage financially, at least at first?
I've only just gone back to work after many years off so I've got to start at the bottom
This makes me feel even more trapped, more resentful and more unhappy.
Regarding what he does and doesn't do....as I said he can do things if he wants to. He enjoys the Garden and will do stuff out there if he wants to.
He doesn't do things with the kids such as take to clubs etc, he refuses, but he doesn interact with them in the home and my daughter idolised him. They will watch films together and chat etc.
I've also researched regarding PIP and as other posters have said there are many single parents who claim high rate pip

Can you leave your job while you are going through proceedings and state you also have mental health issues ( you seem like you have at the moment due to this situation) if you are both unable to work then surely he would only get 50%?

Having suffered mh for over 40 yrs

Your dh isn’t fine, nor is he now well !
His depression has lifted but anxiety as set in
as anxiety & depression come hand in hand

So what is happening now is
He feels comfortable in himself at home, so anxious feeling drop
but he doesn’t want to take it out of his comfort zone, hence no visits to family, days out, going outside the house unless he HAS TO
I bet when he does his anxiety levels are sky high ? Does he rush, get bad tempered and looses it quickly. May even sweat, get dizzy , light headed, palpitations.
Have you noticed any of these symptoms??
Has he mentioned anxiety to you, or said he suffers from symptoms?
I think this is why he stays around the house
he’s scared of the anxiety symptoms but says he likes it.
Dont get me wrong they are horrible and sole destroying if they get hold off you.

Does any if these click with you his behaviour ?

Longingforsummer583

Afaik my DH doesn't have depression but also doesn't go out. Like many pp i have got round it my carving out my own hobbies/life/clubs. One thing I am finding is I am getting tired ramming in all my interests and constantly walking on eggshells/biting my tongue

Weekends are the hardest at the moment as I don't attend any clubs during the weekend, since DC have been older, I have been filling with housework and baking. Looking forward to the Spring so I can enjoy the garden.

I was one of those kids, and I saw my mum unhappy with my dad until they were in their 90s. That's a long time to have rescue fantasies about a parent you love.

No doubt partly because of the example she set, I was also a wife who had very low expectations from my partner and life in general.

Liberating myself from all that, 20-odd years ago, was the most difficult thing I have ever gone through in my life. I am so glad I somehow managed it, and I will always encourage other women to do the same. If that makes me a sleazy harpie, so be it.

That all seems very unfair OP and you must feel like everything is stacked against you at the moment. But you can make this work for you by taking control of things that you can take control of. We don't know what they are yet but DH will need to be pushed to do things that at present you say he refuses to do.
For example you book a night out - doesn't matter what or where but go out. If it falls on a club night for one of kids for example then he must deal with the fall out from the kids if he refuses to take them because you are not around. Don't do things for him, he needs to get back into life and if that means he does his own laundry then that is what he does. Refuse to enable him and be blunt even if it causes a row - your feelings are just as valid as his. I find it odd that he will go out but only if you are out. Why is that? It seems very controlling that he wants you around all the time - and how suffocating for you?
The summerhouse or room just for you is a good idea - how practical is that to achieve?
As others have said your DH seems to have become lazy and his therapists are enabling him and allowing him to opt out of life. Sometimes a good kick up the backside is necessary!!
I used to be one of those people who had no time for those with MH problems but that did change after cancer and then weaning myself off them. Only to have another setback with MH after an estrangement from family. I know that you have to want to get out of the funk that you find yourself in and want to get better and have an understanding of why you feel the way you do.
I can't tell you how much Talking Therapies helped me - you can self refer online. Do this for yourself and not your DH - he is already having treatment even if it's not much cop. If nothing else it will allow you somewhere to let off steam while you work out a way to line up your ducks with a view to living your life the way you want to whether it's with DH or without. You can keep your earnings for yourself and save or you can change the set up and insist that you each pay 50/50 if he spends his savings then too bad - you are saving for your future. You will have the life you want OP - believe in it!!

I have nothing helpful to add, other than I feel your pain and frustration. Partners need time apart, and I completely get your need to have some time to yourself in your own home.

A friend of my Mum’s had a great saying post retirement, when she and her husband suddenly started spending a lot more time together: “I married you for life, not for lunch.” In other words, I do not want to spend all our waking hours together! I feel this very strongly and HAAAAAAAATED enforced WFH at the height of Covid.

Sorry to hear the situation your in, it could honestly take along time for your husband to fully recover(which I'm sure he will).
Feeling mentally fatigued and stressed is hard to deal with...but it's on a totally different level to clinical depression.
Your husband more than likely doesn't current have the mental capacity to come up with a solution unfortunately.

A dog is the best therapy in your home for your husband.

@Vettrianofan They have a dog. He refuses to walk it.

Try St John's Wort. I just go into town or to local garden centre when I need time out.

Ah sorry I must have missed that part. I only suggested as one of the neighbours near me suffers from clinical depression and since he got his dog he is out twice daily walking and is forced to talk to neighbours which helps with his recovery, and although he is never likely to work again, he has hope keeping him going each day in the form of his dog. We always say it was the best thing that ever happened to him.

Me being honest reading your post...it sounds like you probably dislike your husband and certainly resent him. What are the reasons for you staying with him?

A marriage isn't just about one person's needs, it works both ways.
Alone time in your own home a few hours each week is not an unreasonable request, and to be honest, if he can't/won't meet halfway to make you happy and consider your feelings, I would be considering separating.
You should also really be doing things together and enjoying time. This doesn't sound like a happy marriage to me, more an obligation. You owe it to yourself to be happy and I strongly suspect you would be much happier on your own. One day you may actually meet someone who you enjoy being with. It's what you deserve.

Dont beat yourself up, you have been very open and brave.
I myself , am on the mature years and know a bit about Life.
Its not natural for this to happen, I will get berated for this but a man needs to be in his SHED. The house is a womans territory. Is there any way you could order in a out -house/ shed/ Garden office space?????? Or get him a allotment?????
Also look into physical TOXINS inhis body and in TEETH. Esp heavy metals intoxication.
Someone wrote s book called ' The Joy of Sheds ( because A mans place isnt in the Home)
I dread to think where your situation could head.
( With You outside the home a lot)