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Original poster

Is he too old for me?

171 replies

outsidethemug · 07/02/2024 12:52

Asking because some of my friends seem to think so! I'm 22 and I've recently started dating someone who's 11 years older than me.

We are in quite similar stages of life, other than him being older than me but some of my friends seem to think he's too old and that he should be dating someone his own age - the implication is that because he can't find a woman his age there must be something wrong with him.

Is it too much? Or am I overthinking?

OP posts:
pinkspeakers · 07/02/2024 15:36

MidnightMeltdown · 07/02/2024 13:23

Yes he's too old

You have 3 years of adult life experience. That's a massive gap. He's a creep and is taking advantage.

You really do NOT know this. You can't possibly. It simply isn't true that all such age combinations mean the man who is a creep who is taking advantage!

MadDogMama · 07/02/2024 15:39

Wow, some of these comments are harsh...

If it feels right to you both OP then it shouldn't matter what your friends think.

There are 15 years between me and my DH, he is 57, I'm 42.
We met when I was 25 and he was 40. I will add that we are still very much in love.

Be happy, as I would hope your friends would wish for you.

JennyBeanR · 07/02/2024 15:46

I'd be wary of the gap at your age. However I wouldn't think anything of it if you were in your 30s, he in his 40s and so on. The reason being that 22 is so young and inexperienced. No offense to OP. You may well be a strong, intelligent young woman, but there's no denying that life experience in years matters quite a lot.
There's also a side note, that in my experience men in their 30s and upwards who date 20 something's are looking for a woman to control/mould. Be on alert OP. It may well be that this is a good guy and you two may have a great relationship, but I can definitely understand why your friends are raising concerns.

maisiemoolou · 07/02/2024 15:52

I met my DH when I was 19 and he was 30. Been together 23 years, married for 14 and two DC. No one ever commented on our age gap. I had a few friends and my mum say they weren't surprised I ended up with someone much older cause I've always been older than my years.

LakeTiticaca · 07/02/2024 15:59

It's fine. If you like each other go for it. It's nobody else's business

aitchteeaitch · 07/02/2024 16:03

KirstenBlest · 07/02/2024 13:03

He's 1.5 times your age. Can you imagine in 11 years' time dating someone who is 11 now?

The correct analogy would be that in 11 years' time the OP will be 33 and him 44, and would that age gap be all right. Or in 40 years' time when the OP is 62 and he is 73. Not such a big gap then, is it?

My DH is 8 years older than me. I doubt very much when he was 18 that he wondered what it would be like to date that 10 year-old. We didn't even meet for another 25 years.

CatWithNoTeeth · 07/02/2024 16:03

Keep the warnings in mind (except the judgmental ones about what a person in their 30s should and shouldn't be doing, people go traveling at all stages of life) but if you are feeling it, go for it. Demonstrably, sometimes relationships work out and sometimes they don't, age gap or not. The main thing is how he treats you and how you feel. Don't pass up an opportunity due to ideas of 'should'.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 07/02/2024 16:06

Nearly exact same for me - i was 23 and he was 34 when we met! we are married now with 2nd baby on the way (we are 35 & 45) the age gap was never an issue

I guess maybe he was actually a bit immature for his age - he was back in UNI doing his degree as a mature student and was living in a share house and we both ended up going travelling together for a few years - so we were both in the exact same stage of life even though he was older!!

Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow · 07/02/2024 16:08

husband is 15 years old than me. Met when I was 24 and we’re as happy as the day is long. Very compatible, have our baby, trying for another very soon, the sex is phenomenal, we fancy each other, we love each other. Age is like anything - it can be an issue but only if you’re at different stages of life.

inamarina · 07/02/2024 16:08

SleepingStandingUp · 07/02/2024 13:33

That's a ridiculous qn. There's 7 yrs between me and DH,if you'd asked him at 18 about dating an 11 yr old that bears no relation to our relationship as two adults in our 40s now.

Show quote history

Exactly. Same difference between me and my husband, when he had his first girlfriend I was still a child.
That wasn’t relevant when we actually met 15 years later.

SantiagoSky · 07/02/2024 16:15

What has he been up to in the years from 22-33? How can it happen he did not end up with more experience than you?

Original poster
outsidethemug · 07/02/2024 16:18

@SantiagoSky he does have more experience than me, he's on the property ladder, he's better travelled, he has more years of work and life under his belt.

But our current situations are quite similar despite that is all I meant, we seem to have similar goals (in the short term at least - it's all new I haven't asked too many deep questions yet) and we are currently living similar lives.

OP posts:
ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 07/02/2024 16:19

I know a few successful relationships with an age gap, usually where one person is nature beyond their years and the other is young at heart or immature.

If you are at similar life stages, does that not indicate he's well behind most people his age?

Fuddlefiend · 07/02/2024 16:22

I had a slightly older gap and once I got to the age he was when I started going out with him it made me realise how I wouldn't have done that myself so I think that's more what the previous poster may be getting at.

I'm not with him anymore as when it was 20s 30s it was ok but as we got older it became more of a problem.

booglewoogle · 07/02/2024 16:22

A friend of mine met her now-DH when she was 21 and he was 33. She got married and had children at a far younger age than she really wanted. She also missed out on all the "fun" stuff in her 20s as he was passed all that.
So, date him? Why not. But if it's going turn into anything more serious make sure he doesn't stop you having the 20s / 30s that you really want.

Sar198 · 07/02/2024 16:26

It's just so individual and down to the people involved surely? I've had two age gap relationships, one 16 years which was an absolute car crash, biggest regret of my life so far was marrying him, but I was far too young, I was only 18 when we met which now just turns my stomach Envy

But my partner now is 9 years older than me and it's great. Wouldn't even notice any age difference at all, and we get on brilliantly.

I think it really does depend on the individual and if you feel you are at wanting the same things in life stage?

WhenWereYouUnderMe · 07/02/2024 16:29

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 07/02/2024 16:19

I know a few successful relationships with an age gap, usually where one person is nature beyond their years and the other is young at heart or immature.

If you are at similar life stages, does that not indicate he's well behind most people his age?

Behind? Is life some sort of unstoppable travelator on which we must all attain the same goals at the same ages?

Moier · 07/02/2024 16:30

I wouldn't have asked on here.. too much negativity and awful nasty answers..
I'd say go for it.. he just might be the one..
Enjoy it and take it day by day .
Wising you all the best 👍

bradpittsbathwater · 07/02/2024 16:31

It's creepy on his side. I wouldn't want to saddle myself with an old fart too early. If it's long term the difference will be more prominent as you age.

Pigeonqueen · 07/02/2024 16:40

My dd is the same age as you just about (21) and I’d be horrified if she turned up with someone in their 30s 😳 but then I think it’s because to me she’s just starting out in her adult life, she’s in her last year of university and I can’t imagine what on earth someone in their 30s would see in her and vice versa - not in a horrible way but just because I think she’s still
such a very young adult. I think it’s a bit weird to be honest.

lookwhatyoudidthere · 07/02/2024 16:43

The issue is more that a man of 33, matching with other ladies of a similar age, maybe compelled to have (or consider having) conversations about: babies, house buying, marriage- or whatever else adults decide to schedule. A 33 year old man dating a 22 year old wreaks of them hiding out with someone less threatening, or demanding as the case may be.

Cucamelons · 07/02/2024 16:53

I got with my dh at a similar age to you. He is 17 years older. Now we have 3 Dcs, 12, 8 and 5. Married for 18 years. It can work! Depends like others say it’s if you are compatible really. We are and it works for us

Alan81 · 07/02/2024 16:57

I think the most important question here is, are you worried about the age gap?

If you're not bothered then what's the problem?

Your mates winding you up? If you like the guy then you can always tell your mates to back off, it's your life, if you want to spend time with him and enjoy each other's company then it's nobody else's business but yours and his.

Although saying that given you've posted it on here I guess you are having concerns

Original poster
outsidethemug · 07/02/2024 17:04

@Alan81 I don't think it bothers me. As I said none of my friends have ever dated anyone this much older than them so I guess I was trying to work out if the opinion was overwhelmingly that it was too old and I was being naive to think otherwise,

OR if they were just winding me up because it's what friends do and because of their own experiences.

There's definitely been some things mentioned here for me to think about that my friends hadn't mentioned or that I hadn't thought of, both for and against

OP posts:
HowDoTheyGetThroughLife · 07/02/2024 17:05

If you like each other, what does it matter about age? Never mind what anyone else thinks, do whatever makes you happy.

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