Is he too old for me?

[outsidethemug]

Asking because some of my friends seem to think so! I'm 22 and I've recently started dating someone who's 11 years older than me.

We are in quite similar stages of life, other than him being older than me but some of my friends seem to think he's too old and that he should be dating someone his own age - the implication is that because he can't find a woman his age there must be something wrong with him.

Is it too much? Or am I overthinking?

I went out with a dude who was 36 when I was 22. We didn’t feel terribly different in age, insofar as we had similar interests, same sense of humour etc. but he did try (unsuccessfully) to mould me, and eventually he went back to his ex, because he said he couldn’t be bothered ‘going through it all’ again. He was honest if (literally) nothing else!

I'm not blaming her, I'm saying she's enabling the misogyny of men wanting to date much younger women. Do these men do it because she's far more interesting than a woman their own age? No. They do it for kudos amongst their mates, they can control a younger woman more easily, there is inequality in finances, life experience etc etc. It's no surprise narcissistic men tend to go for much younger women than themselves.

I dated someone 10 years older than me. I was early 20s. Didn't work out. He was an arsehole.

Then I got with someone 6 years older than me, he broke my heart and stamped on it.

Then met my DH, 4 years older than me. He's a gem. We've been together 17 years now.

I think 11 years is too much at your age.

I'm not a student? And no, I'm not going travelling with him. I have my own travel plans

You can't say that for all age gap relationships. Plus you can just as easily meet a misogynist dickhead of your own age.

@outsidethemug
You're the age of students. And doing a typical student thing of "travelling". Without the wanky "travelling" term it's basically an extended holiday whilst there's no real responsibilities in the world. Fair enough at student-age. Concerning at pushing mid 30s.

Obviously, some people bum around the world for eternity but it wouldn't be a lifestyle for me.

Do your own travelling then OP. And upon the return, see if his house and a new career materialises. I wouldn't hold my breath. But you are younger, and if you don't mind wasting a couple of years of your youth on a dead-prospect, then carry on. That's how we learn the hard way (I did too).

Not too old for you right now but you may not feel that way in your late 40s. I'd definitely not date a man pushing 60 now. Just no.

Honestly, im the guys age, and 22 year olds just seem like babies to me. They can have cars, jobs, a life, but they look young and realistically won't have a lot of relationship experience.
You always get people going 'I was 20 and my DH was 35 and we're still together'
But if you to them 'okay, now you are in your thirties, would you date a 20 year old' the answer is never 'yes' it's always some weird 'well I was mature and he was immature' thing - which makes it weirder, if they were immature for their age then how exactly could they make an informed decision about whether it was right to date a 20 year old - also why would you want to date someone immature for their age...
Plus, if you say to these couples 'would you be happy with your 20 year old daughter dating a 35 year old' they THEN say 'no, but times have changed, kids these days are more immature' as if that isn't exactly what their parents will have thought of them....

A often quoted "creepiness rule" is "half the age plus 7" - by that you're too young (just, and if you were 25 and 36 it would be ok)
Maybe look at other signs of how your relationship is. Basically, is it healthy - are you supportive of each other, compatible etc. You said, similar stages of life. That's one good sign. If there are others, it's encouraging, and also it's something to oppose the judgemental b*s that tell you two to be agists.

Ah I'm more bothered than I thought I would be by the idea he's only dating me because of my age

I was 21 when I met DP, he was 33. Like you say we were in similar stages. I already had a child and my own place though which probably made a difference as I was older than my years.. he had his own place and had just come out a 13 year relationship himself. Our age gap has never caused issues and we’ve been together for 12 years this year 💗in our thirties and forties.

people seem to think I am some kind of victim if I mention it now, but no one bat an eyelid 12 years ago, attitude to age gaps have changed, which is great in many ways as some age gaps can be problematic and icky, but this is not the case for us. In the boss here despite him being older 😂 DP did not set out to meet anyone younger, we met online and he had said over 25’s only but I found him 😂 we met and it happened, we are very compatible! We have a DD of our own. We plan to get married soon!

Are you happy? Do you have shared interests? Are your future plans similar?
Age is just a number and the answers to those questions will give you an idea of how ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ it is. People change though. But that is equally possible with two people who are the same age as two who are very different ages. I was married for almost 20 years to someone the same age as me, and we changed to become very different and wanted different things. My cousin is happily married for 25 years now to someone who is 11 years older than her. There is no crystal ball. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s fine OP. Go with the flow. I’ve always been attracted to men who are at least 10 years older.

What's wrong with working throughout your 20s then taking a break in your 30s to do some traveling before you do the marriage/kids bit?

It's not concerning. I'd have done it if I'd known how long and boring and confining the parenting years can get.

If a lot of my friends had the same opinion about someone I was dating - whether for age or any other reason - it would probably give me pause to at least step back and think about it. If people you trust and who don't have a dog in the fight are giving the same kind of advice it's often worth heeding.

Aldo, I'd think it was highly likely that a big motivation for him would be dating someone 11 years younger as a kind of trophy, and saying all the right things to appear compatible. I'd probably want to know the ages of other women he's dated, because if it's a pattern that would be a hard no.

Op mumsnet generally hates age gap relationships man older- controlling pervert. Woman older- sad & desperate.
My husband is 12 yrs older than me, we've been together 30 odd years Very happily

If I'm honest, I'm probably going to have to find out for myself if it's a bad idea - while bearing in mind the warnings I've been given. Will be very alert for controlling behaviour/"moulding" but I think it's something I'm going to have to have fun with for now! If it's a disaster I'll come back to tell you all you were right

The half the man’s age plus 7 is definitely the creepiness rule and is really not ‘appropriateness’ like another poster called it

Do you want to act like a 22y couple would or a 33y old one? Or somewhere in the middle?

Not sure than trying to buy a house or wanting travel is deep enough to decide you re really aligned on life goals. Everybody who rents would buy a house in a heartbeat and most people like to travel… it’s common ground, but it’s not life-defining.

But, as a person who married a partner 20+y older (but I met him I was 35, no cradle snatching), I still have to say it’s very big gap at your age and 3y of the single, adult life is only a sample of what you can learn, discover and grow by yourself, really

I would scrutinise him very seriously before going further, you don’t need a Peter Pan or a manchild dragging you down when life is starting for you

@outsidethemug I think that the worst case scenario is that you two get along because he is still "22 at heart" and you will outgrow him

but if you're not looking for a marriage with kids type of deal then have fun and happy travels

It’s fine, OP. I wouldn’t assume he’s only interested because you’re young. Just take it slow and see how it goes. Lots of people here projecting their own experiences.

One point is that he might feel ready to settle down and have kids before you do so , if things get more serious, it’s worth talking about that sort of thing so you know whether you are on the same page.

Totally dependent on circumstances and individuals. There is definitely no absolute rule that he must be "too old" for you, though in many cases that might be the case. I started going out with my now husband when we were exactly those ages (strictly speaking he was a few weeks of his 33rd birthday, but near enough!). We are very happily married 30 years later. I think it helped that we were both graduate students. I was just starting a master's and he was just finishing his PhD. Our mutual friends at University were all in between our ages, so neither of us was much younger or older than the rest of the group. Nobody ever seriously suggested that age was a problem in our relationship.

Also, I still went and lived/studied in the US for 5 years without him before I returned age 30 and had children together He didn't hold me back!

It's fine - I'm 37 and my husband is 48 and we're very compatible.

When I was in my 20s I dated a couple of guys in their 30s. It was fine for something short and fun, but now I'm 50 I'm glad I'm not married to someone who's over 60. Age doesn't matter too much when you're young and free, but men generally live shorter lives than women - I think it's 9 years or something on average - so if you end up with someone 11 years older you're potentially looking at 20 years of widowhood. Date who you want, but I personally wouldn't want to have married someone that much older.