Is he too old for me?

[outsidethemug]

Asking because some of my friends seem to think so! I'm 22 and I've recently started dating someone who's 11 years older than me.

We are in quite similar stages of life, other than him being older than me but some of my friends seem to think he's too old and that he should be dating someone his own age - the implication is that because he can't find a woman his age there must be something wrong with him.

Is it too much? Or am I overthinking?

I am a 42 year old male now.

If I think back to the person I was at 22, and who I am now, it is totally different.

On reflection, at 22, I had a lot of life experience left to gather, which included working out what I wanted to do, and who I wanted to be. These things changed quickly. I remember getting into a relationship with a 28 year old at the time, and she was great, but it was clear she was further down the line of her development then me, and it wasn't sustainable. I couldn't give her what she wanted.

Everyone is different, and he could be everything you need and want and be married for ever!

You do have to keep in mind that if you want kids (assuming you don't have any yet), you may not feel ready yet. If you waited util you were 28 for example, he will be nearly 50, meaning that he would be nearly 70 when the child was going to university. I was at university with someone who's father was that age, and she missed a lot as due to his poor health and her mum havig to work, a lot of care was on her.

Who knows how these things go, but you have to try to be rational for you and what you think is best.

I know a couple who started with that age gap and that was nearly 15 years ago now and they are married with children so clearly it can sometimes work!

@LR42 your maths is way out there - if she had kids with him at 28 then he'd be 38 not 'nearly 50'.

Ha! oh dear...you're totally correct. Mind fuzz. Oops. Kind of dismantles some of my point....need more sleep.

No, we're talking about two individuals- OP and her partner. Taking an opinion about a group and applying it to an individual, without evidence, is as obviously prejudiced as you can get.

OP is questioning the fact that she's been accused of "enabling misogyny and perpetuating the exploitation of women's youth", as well she might. If people want to discuss ageing or age gaps in general or norms about youth and beauty or the relationship between age and experience then great- all excellent topics for debate. But doing it here, where OP has asked for advice, is pretty poor and not really in the spirit of the board, which is usually a supportive place.

@letsbepositive2024 , 11 years ago OP's fella was 22 and she was 11. It's a big age gap.
She's ⅔ his age.

You do have to keep in mind that if you want kids (assuming you don't have any yet), you may not feel ready yet. If you waited util you were 28 for example, he will be nearly 50, meaning that he would be nearly 70 when the child was going to university. I was at university with someone who's father was that age, and she missed a lot as due to his poor health and her mum havig to work, a lot of care was on her.

No, he would be nearly 40 when she’s 28. Lots of my male friends became fathers at this age.

Your 22 and you may have been working for a while but you have not got the same life experience him. He might be with you because woman near his age could have realised that he is flakey or he wants a girlfriend but not a wife. He could have a sketchy work history or debits that they found out about.
Most people of 33 are moving up the career ladder or changing jobs to get into a higher post. They are thinking of buying a home. Most woman of his age or near his age will want a man on the same page as them re marriage and children.

I think he could be with you because your younger than him. He may feel that you be happy to put him 1st always and will always do what he wants. Your going to be around at the weekends when his friends could be at home with their partner's, wives and or children.
Also he may have traits that an older women could notice quicker like meanness, lying, lack of flexibility, lack of a work ethic ect.

I can't see how some one of 22 and 33 are at the same life stage or have a lot in common.
You may want to go travelling, do further study part time and have more life experience before getting into a serious relationship, buying a home or have kids.
Most couples I know that are in successful relationships are within 5 years age wise of their partner/wife/husband.

I know a lady who married a man who was 10 years older than her. She had 2 children with him. She had to stay in full time work because his income varried. He then had some health issues due to an underlying condition and she had the worry of this. When she retired his health was beginning to get worse. She ended up as his carer for a number of years before he died. Her own health is poor now.

Most men age quicker than woman and die at a younger age. Some men won't do any exercise, will live on takeaways, eat a lot sweets or drink a lot of beer. By the time they are in their early 50's they have health problems like being a diabetic, have high blood pressure or sleep apnea.
You could end up with dealing with a partner or husband with health issues and have children to look after at the same time.

I have girl relatives around your age and I tell them getting involved with a 33 year old man is a bad idea. Your at different life stages and want different things over the next few years.
He either get to a stage that he really wants a family and want you to have a baby. He could be a man then who let you waste years of your life because he never commit to you getting married or having a child.

yes, I got myself in a real muddle there......but I couldn't edit my post to correct it...so I will remain looking a bit dim. Ho hum. Not the first time.

So dependent on the personalities involved and life stages.

11 and 22 obvs not
22 and 33 ok possibly.
33 and 44 well, ok
44 and 55. It's a nope from me.
55 and 66 even bigger no
66 and 77 NO. (and so on...)

I'm spouting off my own prejudices here but men do not generally age well unless they are physical fit non smokers who are keen on exercise.

Absolutely you are spouting off your own prejudices! Apart from the 11 and 22 obviously. There is far more to someone than their age and there is no reason at all why some 66 year old men can't be a perfect match in terms of lifestyle, attitudes, interests for some 55 year old women. I'm a 52 year old married to a nearly 63 year old and it's we are a great match because of who we intrinsically are. And it's not just because we've been together for 30 years. I'm sure plenty of my contemporaries would be quite happy with him! He can out cycle/run/row most men 10 years younger. He is much more in touch with new music than I am and likes to go to festivals etc. He has a very modern, liberal outlook on pretty much any topic I can think of. The fact that on average your are more likely to match well with someone closer to your own age doesn't mean you need to rule out people further away in age. And yes I'm likely (though not guaranteed) to be widowed younger, but my life won't end then! tbh I can see advantages to be widowed at 70 rather than 80, when I think it would be tougher to start again alone.

I think, with the right person, that gap wouldn’t necessarily be a problem. This guy seems a bit aimless and flaky though? That combined with the fact he’s going for a woman so much younger is a bit of a red flag imo.
When I was 20-22 I was seeing a guy (on and off) 14 years older. We were at a similar life stage, but that in itself was a red flag to me, if that makes sense?

@pinkspeakers likewise. Like me you are speaking very much from your own perspective and prejudice.
Also you have been together with your partner for 30 years!!
As a late 40s woman who's had her kids and is financially ok.. being single is truly preferable to starting a relationship with these older men, most of whom haven't worn well at all. ick.

@Lookingforunicorns Perspective, yes. Prejudice, no I don't think so. You seem to be ruling at the possibility of a fulfilling relationship with any man 11 years older as they are all "ick". I'm just saying that that is rather a sweeping dismissal of a lot of individuals and there are 60 year old men out there who don't fit your characterization at all. And I can think other early 60s men, not just my husband, who I think I'd potentially get on very well with.

@pinkspeakers Ok fair point. I just don't find these much older men attractive. Men my age don't find women of their own age attractive so it's a bit catch 22. They date women 10 years younger because they can.
Women like me get accused on Mumsnet of being bitter as a way of shutting down any argument.
I'd own that bitterness but you can only control your own response to things. I'm not suddenly going to make all men in the 45-55 age group date age appropriate women.
I can however choose not to go for the only men I can get because I just don't fancy them. It's a stark choice that I don't like, but I do at least feel grateful I don't need a man practically or financially. Difficult when it's lonely though when the kids are in bed, or when they leave home.

@Lookingforunicorns it's certainly absolutely rubbish that many men won't date women their own age.

I must admit, I do find it slightly hard to imagine DH with a woman in her 60s, which is clearly all wrong and may be more to do with him than me. It's also I think because we rarely mix socially with women in their 60s, whereas the men are a wider range of ages. Which in turn is largely because many of our friends were originally through having kids of about the same age.

Anyway, you are of course free to to choose not go for men you just don't fancy!

If we were to make sweeping generalised and negative statements about people based on their age then each decade of our lives had some negative stereotypes to go with it
in our 20s we're unexperienced, broke and only interested in parties
in our 30s we have young kids and no social life
40s is time for perimenopause and mid-life crisis
50s is when the age catches up on us and no amount of botox will help
and so on...

obviously it's mostly bullshit, especially when applied to a single individual person

I'd usually say it's too much, only because I can't really imagine a 33 year old being interested in you for the reasons you'd like him to be.

I agree that it’s more about the compatibility than the gap.
However if the gap is at a time in your life when your only really just into adulthood yourself, it will be harder than if say you were ten years older.
Its such an individual thing, it’s probably too difficult to advise.

Having said that, there’s an 18 year gap between me and mine… and to be fair, it did feel odd to start with.

I had been an adult for much longer than you, and 20+ years later, we are (more) in love.

We have fun almost every day, despite both of us having health probs that affect our moods and emotions.

We were lucky in that no one in our circle of friends and family were against the relationship, and we took it very slow… for a start it felt odd for both of us…

Now, we don’t ever refer to it, coz in all honesty, it doesn’t mean anything is different.

If anything, each of us has different times of life and experience to benefit the other, we feel we offer each other a wide variety of ideas and interests.

It can also make a difference if he’s got an open attitude for his age, and likewise, if you know that you’re mature for your years, likely you two will meet in the middle…

Whatever you decide, do what’s best for you.
Your potential partner will do what’s best for him..

Try not to do what others may disapprove of.

There are breakups with couples with no age gap to mention … “if it’s right for you, then it’s right “.

Met DH when I was 23, he was 33.
Married 30 years next year.
We didn’t have loads in common, just liked each other 🤷🏻‍♀️
It won’t work for everyone but did for us.
If you’re worried about it, it may not be for you .

At 22, I was a already a mother of two. If I was single, I'd have no issues dating a 33 yo. I'd consider that similar life stages and whatnot.

I don't think your average 22 year old is on the same page as a 33 year old. But it's your choice, I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but you might be kidding yourself if you think your on the same level (or not, if he's not got himself sorted)

I agree, I remember girls at college who were 16-18 going out with men in their mid twenties-thirties and I thought they were idiots. They clearly thought it was impressive to be dating/shagging men a lot older than them but failed to see that the guys they were with were simply a bit predatory and they were reaping the benefits more than they were - younger, easily impressed, malleable girls, like you say, @LightDrizzle, more inexperienced and something to boast about with the lads. Your situation is probably different OP but I always thought back then - how come these men aren’t going out with someone nearer their own age? Why can’t they attract these women or keep them? Or why are they rejecting them? Knew someone who married a young woman in her early 20s when he was mid 30s and she divorced him bc she matured beyond him as the years went by! Some men are immature and some find going out with younger women makes them feel younger dvd allows them to behave younger than they are too. Peter Pan syndrome comes to mind.