Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he too old for me?

171 replies

outsidethemug · 07/02/2024 12:52

Asking because some of my friends seem to think so! I'm 22 and I've recently started dating someone who's 11 years older than me.

We are in quite similar stages of life, other than him being older than me but some of my friends seem to think he's too old and that he should be dating someone his own age - the implication is that because he can't find a woman his age there must be something wrong with him.

Is it too much? Or am I overthinking?

OP posts:
Butterdishy · 07/02/2024 13:37

11 years is too big of a gap when you're so young imo. You can't possibly be in the same stage of life. And if you are, I'd be questioning his maturity.

Original poster
outsidethemug · 07/02/2024 13:39

@LightDrizzle we met on a night out, neither of us knew how old the other was initially

OP posts:
Original poster
outsidethemug · 07/02/2024 13:43

Maybe I was wrong saying we were at the same stage that's just what it feels like. I've been working full time for a while now and have a career path I'm working towards. He is on the property ladder but is renting it out currently, and is looking to travel in between making a career change. I am doing the similar!

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 07/02/2024 13:43

outsidethemug · 07/02/2024 13:39

@LightDrizzle we met on a night out, neither of us knew how old the other was initially

That’s better than him pursuing you in OLD but without knowing him, I still think the die is loaded against this being a good option for you. I can see it might be for him!

febgmt2200 · 07/02/2024 13:48

A 33 year old who wants to date a 22 year old? I would throw that one back if you are looking for a long-term relationship.

2bumpsor3 · 07/02/2024 13:49

I think it could be OK for now If he's up for travelling having a bit of fun
But if he wants to settle down quick and have kids in the next couple of years you may resent in the future that he had alllllll those years of being young free and single and those years of your life were spent having kids (which is fine, I was 25 when I had dc1 but DH was 29,) and what I would add to this is when someone is closer to you in age, once you've had the kids your both at a similar place age wise so have similar energy levels and outlook

My friend got with someone when she was 30 and he was 44 year old

It was fine until she was 40 then she said he suddenly became much more quiet wanted to stay at home where she felt like a rejuvenation as the kids had become more independent she wanted to do more for herself but to her he had suddenly gotten "old" which we all know 54/55 is no age but when she felt that she wanted to go out into Town cocktails he suddenly became more quiet pint guy

This is one example and everyone is different but I do genuinely believe the gap gets wider as you get older

retinolalcohol · 07/02/2024 13:50

I am 27 and would not date someone who was 22 because I would feel our stages of life are too far apart. Equally, even being 5 years older than you I perhaps wouldn't date someone who was 33 - because I'm not ready for progression they'd perhaps want in the next couple of years.

It depends how you feel OP. I look back at myself at 22 and no way was I mature enough to date someone in their 30's - I went out with someone who was 30 once and it felt like being out with a teacher. He seemed so old!
But some of my friends had their own families by then. Find out what his expectations are and if they're okay with you (marriage, kids, timeline etc), fine.

Keep an eye out for any controlling behaviour, putting you down, making you feel stupid etc. It's not true in all cases but some men look for younger women with bad intentions - because they think they're easier to manipulate, or because they're man children who know women their age would expect too much from them. Good luck!

samestyle · 07/02/2024 13:52

Could be not interested in dating anyone his age because he doesn't want marriage and kids if that's not what you want either then it's fine, I hope he's not an eternal Peter Pan type that could be a risk that in a few years he won't want to settle down. (Maybe you won't so maybe irrelevant)
I think it will all become clear once you get to know each other more.
Just go by how he treats you, kind, respectful, don't accept anything less that's more important than age.

BlobOut · 07/02/2024 13:55

Yuk. Misogyny at it's finest and you are enabling it.

Catlord · 07/02/2024 13:56

Well if you're both looking to travel and have fun then fine to see how it goes, I suppose it makes sense that he isn't dating amongst 30s women who are likely (not all, of course) to want to be settling down. However, it is a heck of a gap and I think likely to become bigger with time. I'm 37 and would have no interest in a man approaching 50. Do you have a lot.in common?

Original poster
outsidethemug · 07/02/2024 13:57

BlobOut · 07/02/2024 13:55

Yuk. Misogyny at it's finest and you are enabling it.

What?? How on earth am I enabling misogyny??

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 07/02/2024 13:59

@SleepingStandingUp , 7 years is a smaller age gap. An age gap of 7 years in your 40s is nothing.

XDP was 11 years younger and things like which songs played when we were out clubbing and favourite Dr Who are quite different. We met well into adulthood, but when I graduated he was still in primary school.

retinolalcohol · 07/02/2024 13:59

BlobOut · 07/02/2024 13:55

Yuk. Misogyny at it's finest and you are enabling it.

That is an enormous leap you've made there.

If it's not a mistake that you've posted it here, if anything you're the one with internalized misogyny. Jumping to blame a woman for something a man may or may not be doing!Confused

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/02/2024 14:01

craigth162 · 07/02/2024 13:26

I read that youngest you should date is half age plus 7 (so lond as above 18). Sounds weird but kinda works. So at 33 he can date anyone 23 and over (roughly). At 40 would be 27...50 would be 32 etc

Where does this 'should' come from? I'm always baffled by these 'rules' that pop up out of nowhere telling people what they 'should' do. And what age he 'can' date?

DB is ten years younger than SIL and they're as happy as can be. (They met on the internet, as well, and have been married over 20 years). Pish to these 'rules' about who you 'should' date if you're happy.

AdoraBell · 07/02/2024 14:02

Entirely up to you OP

My DH is 12 yrs older than me, it’s fine with us but if you don’t feel it’s okay then you decide what to do.

Original poster
outsidethemug · 07/02/2024 14:02

I have tended to date older, he is the oldest but I've had casual flings with guys 7-10 years older on a few occasions. I don't think I actively seek out older men but I must be subconsciously for whatever reason. I'm definitely not in a rush to settle down though

OP posts:
WhenWereYouUnderMe · 07/02/2024 14:03

MidnightMeltdown · 07/02/2024 13:23

Yes he's too old

You have 3 years of adult life experience. That's a massive gap. He's a creep and is taking advantage.

That's a daft blanket statement about two adults.

I had a BF when I was 20-25 who was nine years older than me. He wasn't very worldly really and I was his first serious girlfriend. He wasn't a creep taking advantage, but a decent guy who was pretty introverted and hadn't a lot of experience with women.

TiredMummma · 07/02/2024 14:05

I have a similar age gap OP, but I was 27 when we met so it felt different (27:38)

Half your age plus 7 is the best guide for appropriateness. So if he is 33, then the youngest he can date is 23.5, so you are definitely a bit young for him and at 22 I would want to save up to travel, party and have fun. At 33 (my current age!) I'm shattered 😂 done my travel and settled! So you might find you want different things!

FortyFacedFuckers · 07/02/2024 14:07

People can be very judgmental of age gaps but I am 38 & my parter is 48 we have been together 20 years, I can work

5128gap · 07/02/2024 14:08

craigth162 · 07/02/2024 13:26

I read that youngest you should date is half age plus 7 (so lond as above 18). Sounds weird but kinda works. So at 33 he can date anyone 23 and over (roughly). At 40 would be 27...50 would be 32 etc

Mmm. You don't see many 47 year old men dating 80 year old women though, do you? And at 54, I can't imagine myself with a 95 year old.

PaintedEgg · 07/02/2024 14:08

in fee years time that age gap would be nothing...now it is a bit suspicious that a man in his 30s is at the same life stage as a woman who has barely reached adulthood. what was he doing up until this point?

MamPadi · 07/02/2024 14:09

I don't necessarily think it's too big an age gap just depends on the two of you. The worry is I suppose that he could be ready for settling down, kids etc before you are but that's a maybe. There's no reason not to enjoy it for now and see how things go, no guarantees in any relationship!
My grandparents had an 11 year age gap actually (married at 23 & 34), happily married over 50 years

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 07/02/2024 14:09

Same age difference as my parents. They were 25/36 when they met. Were married for 25 years (dad Ford young). It could work!

Original poster
outsidethemug · 07/02/2024 14:09

MidnightMeltdown · 07/02/2024 13:23

Yes he's too old

You have 3 years of adult life experience. That's a massive gap. He's a creep and is taking advantage.

Three years adult life experience feels like downplaying things slightly. I have been living independently, paying bills, rent, working etc for the last five years. I do know I'm young but I'm not completely naive to life (I don't think)

OP posts:
QueenCamilla · 07/02/2024 14:10

Fair enough for him I suppose. I'm in my mid-thirties and wouldn't touch with a barge pole a man looking to "travel" without a job, instead of getting his shit together. So students are his only bet. Same stages indeed.

P. S.
And for god's sake, don't go "travelling" with a man you've just met. You can end up in absolutely terrible situations (that might be of his intentional making). Also, it's a great cover for his lack of employment and home address.