Is he too old for me?

[outsidethemug]

Asking because some of my friends seem to think so! I'm 22 and I've recently started dating someone who's 11 years older than me.

We are in quite similar stages of life, other than him being older than me but some of my friends seem to think he's too old and that he should be dating someone his own age - the implication is that because he can't find a woman his age there must be something wrong with him.

Is it too much? Or am I overthinking?

@johnd2 , I made the point because the age gap is big when you are only 22 and he's 33. When he was 22, OP was only 11.

That your partner was 13 when you were 18 won't make much of a difference. If you were 18 and dating a 13 year old, then that would be way too big a gap and a bit sick.

There are 16 years between me and my husband. Met when I was 20. 2 kids and 20 years later we are still happy.
A close friend is married to a man 23 years her senior. They are the most loved up couple I know.
It just works sometimes, people only tend to notice an 'age gap' couple splitting up because its gossip fodder, couples of similar ages break up all the time but it isn't so interesting to talk about 🤷‍♀️

I dont think it's a huge gap but it might feel a whole lot wider when you're in 40s and he's pushing 60.

Can't quite believe that dating a man I like means I am enabling misogyny and perpetuating the exploitation of women's youth. These seem unfair things to place on my shoulders based on one choice I've made

Mumsnet is a shockingly ageist place, op. I wouldn’t put much weight on the responses here.

I think just keep your wits about you. 22 you don't have as much life experience as someone that's in their 30s. It's just facts. It feels like you are miss independent and wise and all that but honestly you will be easy to manipulate and control. I really am not trying to put you down. I've just turned 30 and my early 20s I didn't know half of what I know now.

It's easy to get swept up in the attraction you get at the start. What you see now is what he is presenting to you. You don't know him. Guys can mirror you and sweep you off your feet and then down the line you may realise they are not what they seem. That's what happened to me in my early 20s so speaking from experience. I had been living and supporting myself from the age of 16 I thought I was wise before my years 🤣

Take it slow.

Hi OP.
My DH is 10 years older than me, I was 21 and he was 31 when we started dating.
We had been in each others company quite a few times before through mutual friends and always had a bit of a connection so wasn't anything 'creepy' about him. Like you, I always dated/was attracted to older men. Was seeing a guy 8 years older than me before dh. I have never felt or been made to feel weird about the age difference but. . .
the first few years we had a great relationship however now I do feel like I've almost out grown him and I think this is because of the age difference.
In reflection, I think I was quite mature and thought i had a life plan at 21, compared to a lot of my friends, which is why I was probably attracted to older men because all the ones my own age seemed very young and immature. Where DH was probably quite immature for 31 which is why he was probably attracted to someone younger because a lot of the woman his own age were settled and ready for kids etc But as times gone on, mainly having children has changed my outlook on things and made me more driven and it's like I've overtaken DH, I'm now the older more mature one where he's still quite immature! I hope that makes some sense?! Basically at 31, you're a full grown adult and you pretty much know what you want out of life and where you're going, you're not going to grown up/change much after that where from 22 to 32 I changed/grew up a lot and now I feel we're kind of on different pages.

It's not one choice though is it? You've said you only date older guys, often 7-10 years older than you. So this is a consistent choice you are making. It's your choice to make but you asked for people's opinions on here, so you can't get upset just because you don't like what people may think. Your friends and family obviously think the same. Yes there are instances of couples where age gaps work fine no doubt, but if you don't want to know what many people will be thinking, then don't ask.

You've been an adult for 4 years, he has been an adult for 15 years. It's either wildly inaccurate or highly concerning that you're in the same life stage.

@SpraggleWaggle MN views reflect the truth people think but wouldn't say to your face. MN is mostly used by women who have seen how age gaps play out.

Agreed. There’s no time limit on these kind of things as long as the person hasn’t got kids they’re running away from or something I don’t see the issue.

It’s not for everyone of course but being adventurous in your 30s or even older is definitely not something I’d judge someone negatively for.

It's still very early stages but we seem to be compatible. Both working, plans to travel, similar interests all that sort of thing

What does 'plans to travel' mean? Has he not travelled a lot then? By that age me and friends had already been to loads of places in our 20s and early 30s. By 33 I had 2 children and a mortgage

Take it slow and gauge his life plans, if he has financial sense and savings etc. He's over a decade further into life than you so certain matters should already be in place. Don't get swayed because he's older, older doesn't necessarily mean mature and responsible.

You're young. Take your time there's no rush, or at least shouldn't be. He'll be 40 when you're just 29, please think about that realistically. Date him if you want to, nothing to say he definitely won't be right for you but don't get carried away with superficial stuff such as 'plans to travel'

But why can't someone travel again? or forever? not everyone has to settle down or wants to @DeeCeeCherry i travelled for years in my 20s and now in my 30s i haven't stopped - i take the kids with me - we pack up all the time and leave and move somewhere else / travel for a while - don't know where we will settle ! maybe we never willl.

exactly @Fupoffyagrasshole my closest male friend travelled a lot in his late 20s, early 30s. He got engaged and married in his late 30s ,and is a wonderful father of 2 kids a few years later now in his early 40s. Him and his wife have lived in 3 countries, two since the kids were born and are looking forward to exploring Europe as a family now they’ve moved to the UK.

And not everyone has the chance to travel much in their 20s for various reasons or maybe they just didn’t have the appetite for it then.

That isn’t what poster was saying. She is asking would you date somebody was was 11 years old in 2024 in ten years time. Quite an odd way to comment on the age gap, but she isn’t saying anything about dating a child.

So dependent on the personalities involved and life stages.

11 and 22 obvs not
22 and 33 ok possibly.
33 and 44 well, ok
44 and 55. It's a nope from me.
55 and 66 even bigger no
66 and 77 NO. (and so on...)

I'm spouting off my own prejudices here but men do not generally age well unless they are physical fit non smokers who are keen on exercise.
If you get together with a man 11 years older than you, when you're in your 20s, you then share kids and a long history together,. If it's a loving a mutually supportive relationship or marriage then him being older and frailer at some point in the future is no biggie.
However, the prospect of a new man 11 years older when you yourself are 45+ does not appeal in the slightest.
The upshot being...There are a lot of single women in their 40s and 50s. There are a lot of single men in their late 50s and 60s. These two groups are not well suited to each other!
.

I obviously didn't write it in easy-to-understand flicking through MN terms, but the point I was trying to make is that the age gap is huge.

When I was 22, mobile phones were huge, heavy and very expensive. A computer at home was a luxury. CDs were fairly new and you watched TV when it was aired unless you had a video recorder. Internet access wasn't a thing. Margaret Thatcher was the PM. Someone 11 years younger would probably not remember those times.

After you pass the age of 30, the age gap would seem smaller because it's not such a big portion of your life.

MN views reflect the truth people think but wouldn't say to your face. MN is mostly used by women who have seen how age gaps play out.

I'm a woman and I've had a relationship with an age gap and it worked very well. It's so reductive to see people only in terms of their age. People are individuals.

The only thing that rings alarm bells for me is that OP has come on here to ask opinions. If all is well, just get on with it.

@SpraggleWaggle It would be reductive if age wasn't highly correlated with many other things such as maturity, knowledge, experience, finances, outlook, housing etc.

For her partner to be at the same stage as a 22 year old at 33, then I'd say he's actually lacking in all of these areas.

Correlations are interesting when you look at groups. They are not very interesting or relevant when you're talking about two individuals who will have their own levels of maturity, knowledge etc. Mistaking group averages for truths about every group member is reductive and prejudiced.

I think it’s ideal actually. Men take far longer generally to mature and aren’t ready for marriage and children as early as women usually are. I’d stick with it. 11 years is nothing really.

@SpraggleWaggle But we are talking groups as we are discussing age gaps in general and people's opinions of them. Statistical correlation has nothing to do with prejudice, the reverse in fact. Only the interpretation of those statistics can be prejudiced. There will always be outliers and exceptions to the rule. Maybe this couple are exactly that, but opinions around them will be based on these averages and that is what the OP is questioning.

It's not the age gap it is the life experience gap in many cases that can lead to the power imbalance.

Eh? Whit?

You can do as you like, but having been previously married to someone 10 years older than me, I am of the "there's something wrong with him to be not dating someone in his own age group" camp.
I'm a little suspicious of large age gaps tbh