Good mates with friend's DH. Is trouble brewing??

[Fammm]

I am a single parent. I have a good friend who I met at a toddler group, let’s call her Sarah; she is married to Steve. I have known them both for over 10 years, though have only really got to know Steve well over the last 3 years or so. It turns out that Steve and I get on really well, and I would now consider him to be one of my best friends too. We can talk bollocks endlessly, have a similar sense of humour, and it’s really nice to spend time with them and be able to enjoy both person’s company. More recently Steve has been dropping in to mine for advice about stuff, he seems to really value my opinion, and he has done a couple of small jobs around my house for me, which is really kind of him since DIY isn’t my strong point!
However, I am sensing a chill in the air from Sarah. I should say that I would never ever overstep here – making a play for a someone else’s partner is a hardline no for me. And I really don’t think Steve finds me attractive, I am the polar opposite to Sarah who is very slim, glam and pretty (I am podgy, grey haired and a bit hippy-ish!!) However, Steve is undoubtedly fond of me, and vice versa.
I’m not sure how to proceed here. I want to maintain both friendships, but if Sarah is feeling a bit uneasy, perhaps I should cool my friendship with Steve? Should I just carry on as normal and see if she says something at some point? I don't want this to explode in my face in the future. What does MN think?

The road to hell is paved with good intentions OP.

I have been on both sides of this. I became the affair partner to a man (who had a fiance) who kept coming over to 'help' with various things. First he came round to fix a leaky radiator, then he kept on popping over for cups of tea and cosy chats, then he took me out to a concert to cheer me up one day, then we ended up in bed together. It is a slippery slope.

Then later on my best mate got overly cosy with my boyfriend at the time. They are now married.

Lol I think saying those things to her would have the opposite of the desired effect.

I have a friend whose husband I like and (platonically) get on well with. We have 'isms' conversations too, and swap advice on DIY / finance / politics / the world. I exclusively see him with friend there also. I arrange to see them as a couple, or we all meet up with all our kids, or I meet friend alone. If at a party I would happily spend time 1:1 with her husband, and if staying at their house I would happily help him cook or do something with him in the house. I've known both of them since we were kids. But it would still be weird to meet up just us alone, I wouldn't ever do this, outside of an emergency. It would feel odd and direspectful to my friend. My friend is the one who I really love, and he is her husband who is nice. I don't really like most of my friend's husands so it's a nice surprise when one of them is great. But you should never bluir the boundaries: he is her husband, and you are her friend. That is the connection between you.

I am very good friends with my best friend's DH. He is really funny, and a really nice bloke.

I would never go out with him alone, or have him in my house without her. I totally trust him, and I totally trust myself as I don't fancy him, but out of respect for my friend I just wouldn't do it.

If I want to know something from him, I ask her to ask him, and she lets me know. I go through her. That is the right etiquette to dealing with your best mates DH.

Sometimes I read an opening post on MN and I just know the op is going to get their ass handed to them on a plate!

oh well op at least you know that you need to step back from Steve that is not MN 🤣

But OP, you said “Steve has been dropping into mine for advice about stuff, HE really seems to value my opinion” not they both drop in for advice as THEY value my opinion. Which is it?

Are you serious? You think OP going up to Sarah to tell her about her own marriage will be reassuring?

It should be on Steve to pull back on this; it's his marriage. With that said, OP, if you can see what's happening, then while it isn't your responsibility, it would behoove you to cool it yourself. But jeez, don't start having ridiculous and inappropriate conversations with Sarah. Just pull back. The fact you've noticed what's going on means you haven't entirely desexualised this relationship in your head either.

It is so great that you are different and not going to fall for the half a dozen shags and the "illicit affair vibe" and then the massive ick from him. Many women not in relationships do, sadly. They are used by other peoples husbands. They end up looking stupid and desperate.🙁

Imagine the stupidity if you were to lose two friends and gain a nasty reputation but most importantly, your fragile/low self esteem would be in the gutter.

Good for you for asking for advice as you were confused. Sorry posters thought this thread was like catnip for your ego.

@gannett I've seen you post before about this. We socialise with other couples so have friends of the same sex. However, we don't and don't even want to see each other on our own. So even though you think it is normal, it isn't normal for a lot of people. Not that I'm saying your way is wrong.

I have one single best friend and she and my Husband get on really well but they wouldn't be as close as OP is with her Friend's Husband.

MN is the worst place ever to ask about this OP! Back in the real world me and my male DP are both friends with lots of people of both sexes. You're not doing anything wrong and if the wife is having problems, it's their problems to sort together.

Oh FFS! 🙄

You routinely hang out with your friend's husbands on your own do you? I can't speak for everyone obviously, but that doesn't sit right with me.

If i was Sarahs friend i would be protective of her here. He is not your best friend. He is a married father and married to someone else. Get your own man and get some other best friend. You know you are overstepping. She is already pissed off.

Completely agree with this, Many men just love to be the knight in shining armour helping the wimmin, and being there for them for 'banter,' DIY, chat about their relationship problems, a big manly chest for the poor wumman to weep into when her latest boyfriend has fucked her over etc etc.

Makes them feel all warm and snug inside, and some of them do tell the wife, because as I said, double ego bonus points if the wife is insecure and upset and threatened by this other woman. He will ALWAYS have mentionitis, as he wants wifey to know other women 'desire' him. 🙄

Agree also about it not mattering a jot what the other woman looks like, because to many men, any woman who's looking like she may be up for a shag is attractive and 'appealing.' I have seen many a man have a fling with a woman that wasn't a patch on his wife looks-wise, and when people found out they were like...

MN is the worst place ever to ask about this OP! Back in the real world me and my male DP are both friends with lots of people of both sexes. You're not doing anything wrong and if the wife is having problems, it's their problems to sort together.
This isn't about whether you and your DP have opposite sex friendships 🙄

Me and DH also have opposite sex friendships. It's irrelevant to this thread which is about the dynamic between the OP & her friend's husband.

What's telling is that there's actually quite a few posters who have no issue with opposite sex friendships saying something seems off in the OP's situation. Assuming the OP has been a little naïve, it's good she's asked because she can put some boundaries in place on her side.

To be honest when I am single or even when dating… (i was seeing a man for a year up to recently) I get strange vibes off men even if I’m normally friendly/chatty!

One man knew my parents and I was staying with them when I had some work done in my house where it could be unsafe. Parents live nearby. New male friend and his partner and his young DD came round, male friend even invited us to a gig where he sings etc. saw him in street and said “hi, X hope you’re ok” and then just went on didn’t want a long convo with him at all) a few days later after we’d all been to their house (invited) and I’d “shock horror” spoken to him in the garden and he blanked me and hurried away, like I was a leper or something! The next time I saw him with his partner and kid (I’d got on with both of them) locally they were both friendly but again he looked nervous…

Another close NDN (male married with DC etc) looked nervous when I said hello to him in the street when he was alone. Yet when with wife etc acts normal and friendly!

I’ve got no idea why the men act this way, I’m either in a relationship or no way would I be attracted to the DHs, quite the opposite in fact! And no I don’t flirt with them, just normal everyday saying hi. I don’t generally acknowledge them now if they don’t see me.

But some men or women in couples seem to think every single (or single looking men) is after the man!

OP, no idea what the right answer is but no you are not some whore of Babylon simply by having a friendship with this man. Having said that some men can’t separate their dicks from their brains, even normal looking ones!

@Fammm It might be all innocent from your side. But your friend, Sara, is uncomfortable. That in my view should be enough for you to retreat. She is your friend too and this situation is making her 'chilly'. That should tell you all you need to know.

You don't need to defend your intentions or where you are coming from. In the big scheme of things, it is not about you.

100% this. That's why I said Oh FFS! 🙄 Men and women having opposite sex friendships is FINE. What is happening with the OP is NOT. And she bloody well knows it.

My DH works with 18 women and 4 men, so he clearly has more contact with women. His manager who worked there for 3 years and left last year, was 20 years younger than him and slim and brunette and attractive. She used to pretend to push him over and throw rolled up bits of paper at him, and lark about. In front of me when we popped in on a day off, and when I was not there. They had a good laugh. She was also friendly and chirpy with me and invited me to her 35th birthday party. (All women.)

Same with a cleaner who is DH's age, has known him some years, and calls him daft pen names and they have a laugh too. Again, really friendly with me too.

Another lady who is in her mid 60s, (a decade older than DH) has a hobby in common with DH, and they chat about it at work,... ALSO friendly and chatty with me.

I am not threatened by any one, and like all 3 women very much. It's all a laugh and they are just mates.

When it's just a female friend it's not a problem. That is NOT what is happening with the OP. None of these women have him around their house, or contact him outside of work (texting or whatsapping etc.) THAT would be out of order IMO.

I know several men who I have the same kind of friendship with as DH does with these work women. HE has no issue with them either.

@Fammm I honestly can't believe how over dramatic people are. I'm very close friends with my husbands 2 best friends, one is single and there is absolutely nothing in!

I think more posters are looking at it the other way round - so the husband with 'intentions' not the OP

@Newtrix are you hanging out with them all the time on your own? My Husband couldn't be arsed doing odd jobs all the time for my female friends, he has enough going on at our house and he much prefers talking to me. It doesn't mean when we all go out he doesn't have a laugh with them.

If you’re Sarah’s friend I hope to goodness she doesn’t have many enemies 😨

You seem very proud of the fact that young Steve treats you as the fount of wisdom you undoubtedly see yourself as being. Do you know if he also consults Sarah when he’s doing his best, poor chap, to understand feminism? Actually, do you think feminism entitles women to debate the ins and outs of another woman’s finances behind her back? I think Steve needs to consult someone who can answer that question in a far less narcissistic way … poor simple Steve eh? Still, at least you’ll be ready and willing to give him the benefit of your wisdom when he’s working out what he wants from his divorce settlement 🤣

This exactly. This reminds me of a thread recently, (woman receiving texts from friend's husband) where the woman concerned knew exactly what she should do but was 'flattered' by the attention. It rebounded on her, so be careful OP - you know what you need to do, and acting all innocent isn't it! If you allow it to go on, it won't end well.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. It's something between them and they should sort it out themselves. Maybe he prefers spending time with you than doing sth with her or being at home, or possibly he hates doing small jobs in his house, which is making Sarah feel annoyed/hurt. But definitely, it's sth they should talk about.

I would be abit bemused if my DH and friend of 10 years decided to become bffs. I mean it's abit shit for her isn't it?
I don't know, there's something very 'I'm not like other girls' about your vibe. I would imagine you have very low self esteem and poor boundaries. There is certainly no loyalty toward your friend of 10 years.
I'm trying to picture myself getting so close to a friend of 10 years DH. It just wouldn't happen, I value my friends and would never do something to deliberately upset any of them. Which is what you are doing.
Steve should not be visiting your house alone for whatever reason. Do you message him directly or go through his wife when you need help with DIY? How did it get to the point where Steve thought it appropriate to call in at your house alone?
Anyhoo, my guess is you have low self esteem and Steve enjoys the ego stroke 🤷‍♀️. Poor Sarah dealing with that.