Good mates with friend's DH. Is trouble brewing??

[Fammm]

I am a single parent. I have a good friend who I met at a toddler group, let’s call her Sarah; she is married to Steve. I have known them both for over 10 years, though have only really got to know Steve well over the last 3 years or so. It turns out that Steve and I get on really well, and I would now consider him to be one of my best friends too. We can talk bollocks endlessly, have a similar sense of humour, and it’s really nice to spend time with them and be able to enjoy both person’s company. More recently Steve has been dropping in to mine for advice about stuff, he seems to really value my opinion, and he has done a couple of small jobs around my house for me, which is really kind of him since DIY isn’t my strong point!
However, I am sensing a chill in the air from Sarah. I should say that I would never ever overstep here – making a play for a someone else’s partner is a hardline no for me. And I really don’t think Steve finds me attractive, I am the polar opposite to Sarah who is very slim, glam and pretty (I am podgy, grey haired and a bit hippy-ish!!) However, Steve is undoubtedly fond of me, and vice versa.
I’m not sure how to proceed here. I want to maintain both friendships, but if Sarah is feeling a bit uneasy, perhaps I should cool my friendship with Steve? Should I just carry on as normal and see if she says something at some point? I don't want this to explode in my face in the future. What does MN think?

@Fammm Yeah you need to steer clear of this man. This is someone else's husband and you are clearly interested in him - even though you claim you are not. You deny fancying him, but it sounds like you do. Maybe you don't even realise you do, but it's kinda coming across like that.

Many married women have to tolerate women like you being over-friendly and flirty, and exchanging banter, and being 'playful' with their DH, and being good mates, and 'really friendly,' and quite frankly they do my fucking head in. They love to do it moreso when their wife is about, which I think is such shitty behaviour, and cruel towards the wife...

The men have to take responsibility for this too of course, and on some level I think they enjoy the attention/other women being friendly/seemingly interested. And more than anything, they enjoy the thought that they are making their wife jealous. Keeps her on her toes, makes her more thankful for him, and 'grateful' to have him (in his head!) and boosts his ego! But these 'over friendly' women need to step back and stop flirting with married men.

Steer clear of him, stop the banter, stop the flirting, and quit the 'talking bollocks endlessly' with him. It's not fair on his wife, and no matter what you say, you ARE loving it. And so is he. More than anything, he is not YOUR husband, so stop acting like he is, and that your behaviour is not a problem.

His poor wife.

As far as I can see on this thread, the only ones who support you are the ones who very likely engage in this behaviour themselves. Seriously, get your own man, and leave other womens men alone.

She thinks you are after her husband. Whether you are or not is irrelevant, it is how she feels that matters.

Either that, or he has been suffering from a spot of mentionitis lately, or someone else has said 'Your Steve seems to be getting on rather well with Fammm lately, I saw his car outside hers again the other day'.

Yes, you definitely need to take a massive step back from this friendship with him, and turn down his handyman offers as well.

You need to back OFF!

100% this. ^

Yeah I wondered what Steve has been saying around his wife and how often OP’s name is coming up

This is an interesting thread!

Not sure why it has been derailed by imputing the OP with motives when there is a much more interesting question to mull over!

Are you asking, does Steve's behaviour suggest he's getting a little too attached to you @Fammm ? You've already sense a coolness from Sarah so you're trying to work out why. You say that you do not compare to his wife's beauty so I assume you are a bit flummoxed by the situation.

I believe that in most situations where a married man starts doing more for a single female friend or visiting her more, that he is doing it because he receives a payoff. It could be because he likes to be thought of as mr niceguy. If that is the case, then he would also be doing favours for others, not just you, and not just women.

If he does it only for you then there is something about his interactions with you that gratifies him. Attention on him and decent conversation perhaps? We don't know Sarah so we cannot judge!

@EbonyRaven 100% agree with you!

Something similar happened to me a few years ago. Nearly identical situation. I backed right off and we're no longer friends, just friendly.

Seriously, get your own man, and leave other womens men alone.

I think that pretty much sums it up TBH.

I think it's really shitty to his wife that you both get on like a house on fire, talking bollocks, and he is asking you for financial advice, amongst other things. You friend is probably now thinking there are 3 people in her marriage. Steve, may find your company different to married life, because you aren't his wife and you aren't asking him to take out the bins and pick up his skids off the floor.

I'd be really pissed off if I was her.

Thank you @Secondstart1001

She’s upset because there’s another woman in her husbands life that he shares lots of jokes and fun with, that he goes to for advice, and that he occasionally does little jobs for. They are all things that a husband and wife share together. It’s making her jealous. Obviously. As it would
many women. Yes, my DH has female friends he has an occasional laugh with, maybe once in a blue moon will give some
advice if it’s to do with his line to work, for example. But nothing like this intense friendship you and Steve have.

Exactly this. A shiny new flirty woman is always great fun for married men, and double bonus points if it upsets the wife! Boost his ego a bit, keep her on her toes etc etc... But if he were to leave wifey for said flirty woman, the relationship with her would be EXACTLY. THE. SAME. as it was with his wife. Then he would start piss-arseing around with another shiny new flirty woman!

I'm single. Dealt with it by no longer socialising with married couples or married men.

Only exceptions are longstanding relationships with two couples.

I no longer have to deal with these issues and I'm missing nothing.

Why have you posted if you really believe there's no issue, you aren't fanciable and he's just popping in with kids/wife/other people?

I think if Sarah is quite like any of the outraged MN peeps then you'll need to back off !
But it could be also she's just generally pissed off with him/life/kids.
It sounds like you have your head screwed On. But the check you need is whether he does!

@dollyolly that's too bad it turned out that way. Some people are insecure

My DH occasionally goes to comedy shows with a friend of mine. I'm fine with that. They're into comedy. I'm not, and nor is my friend's husband. So, it can be done

But, in OP's situation, I get the impression she's playing with fire

Maybe this is a controversial opinion here but I genuinely think that the vast majority of men given half the chance would love to have female friends outside their marriage/long term partner who they can use as a sounding board with on their terms and get the occasional ego boost of feeling like "the man" by doing some no hassle for them occasional small DIY.

Of course they want to have sex with them but they usually know that will never happen so they get the sexual satisfaction of seeing a female who is not their wife/girlfriend enamoured with them/wanting to spend time with them.
For as long as the wife does not pull them up on it they will carry on with this ideally with multiple different females if they can get themselves in that position.
It is totally irrelevant that you look nothing like his wife and that you are self deprecating about your own physical features - sex is sex to men, I really believe if their mind has gone there the fact you are not obviously physically like the type of women they go for is irrelevant. They get a sexual thrill from the "what if", you are nurturing it with the "nothing has happened" and poor Sarah is sitting back at home pissed off but feeling like there is nothing she can do about it.

Get real. Most men irrespective of their relationship status will keep "prospective" women around if they possibly can and that is what you are no more no less.

But, in OP's situation, I get the impression she's playing with fire
Agree with this.
I'm ok with opposite sex friendships, when they're healthy and respect their spouses/relationships.
I'm less ok with them when boundaries are blurred from one or both sides.

In my experience if you're asking/wondering if a line has been crossed, it either has by one party of you've got a gut feeling it's heading that way.

I think you’re completely right.

The fact that you and Steve are not interested in each romantically is irrelevant.

Sarah is probably starting to feel threatened by her husband's relationship with you.

I've been Sarah;it was the mentionitis,it was the feeling that he found her opinion more valid than mine,it was the sharing of our private affairs that isn't someone else's business,it was the talking to her before me about important stuff,it was the effort he made for her,it was the messages on the phone,the posts on social media tagging each other and the embarrassment of others noticing and suggesting to me something was between them and then looking at me with pity.

And yes I was friends with her too and she spent time with me and my children.The difference is she wasn't single;it would have felt so much worse if she was.

This is how i lost my dearest and closest friend 30 years ago and i am full of regret and shame when I think of it. I became so close with her partner and massively intruded and caused her distress. Totally selfish of me. I was very young and naive. Step back and do not have Steve at your home. Do not see him on his own or be too chummy with him. Recalibrate your friendship with your friend Sarah.

"@dollyollythat's too bad it turned out that way. Some people are insecure"

On the one hand women and female friends are not the "keeper" of men, i..e women are not responsible for men and what they are thinking about when it comes to fidelity or possible infidelity.

On the other hand, get real! the above statement is a very misguided attitude that some women have thinking they are being hip cool and laid back, and/or having been encouraged by their quasi controlling boyfriends/husbands to chill out and let them have female friends/ or even "not be so controlling" bullshit.

The bottom line is most men will have sex with someone who is not their partner if they thought they could with absolutely zero consequences for them and for anyone else and no one else would know. They just would. I firmly believe it is hard wired. It is not relevant in the vast majority of cases whether they like this 3rd party woman or this 3rd party woman is anything like (or if that is what they want - the total opposite of) their wife. It is a sexual opportunity which they won't pass up if they think there will be literally no consequences ever for anyone.

Women need to accept this and factor it in.

This. Imagine this scenario with you being the wife. Would you be fine with this? The fact you feel flattered by his attention says everything

Just to add to the above – I’ve had several male friends – one where the friendship pre-dated the relationship, another where I knew both together from uni – who tried it on behind their wives’ backs, apropos of nothing. I didn’t fancy either, and as far as I was aware there was no sexual tension between us. I wouldn’t have said I had any edge in terms of looks.

I think the only common point of comparison I can think if is that in each case I’d been a bit upset about something around that time. So maybe they see a bit of ‘vulnerability’ as a way in.

Either way, I would never be hanging out with a mate’s husband alone, no matter how well we got on.

I think it just comes down to opportunity, and like someone else said above, it’s the sense of possibility that people enjoy as much as the actual doing. In that space, a line’s already been crossed.

I haven't RTFT but I have exactly the same relationship with a couple, started with female friendship, husband and I see each other much more (we both WFH) and he does my DIY. This may come as news to some people but changing a fuse and having a laugh with someone doesn't have to be overstepping the mark/an emotional affair. The only difference is there's no chill from my Sarah - can you have a chat with her, clear the air, say you never want to take advantage - make it clear that she isn't being pushed out of the relationship...