Good mates with friend's DH. Is trouble brewing??

[Fammm]

I am a single parent. I have a good friend who I met at a toddler group, let’s call her Sarah; she is married to Steve. I have known them both for over 10 years, though have only really got to know Steve well over the last 3 years or so. It turns out that Steve and I get on really well, and I would now consider him to be one of my best friends too. We can talk bollocks endlessly, have a similar sense of humour, and it’s really nice to spend time with them and be able to enjoy both person’s company. More recently Steve has been dropping in to mine for advice about stuff, he seems to really value my opinion, and he has done a couple of small jobs around my house for me, which is really kind of him since DIY isn’t my strong point!
However, I am sensing a chill in the air from Sarah. I should say that I would never ever overstep here – making a play for a someone else’s partner is a hardline no for me. And I really don’t think Steve finds me attractive, I am the polar opposite to Sarah who is very slim, glam and pretty (I am podgy, grey haired and a bit hippy-ish!!) However, Steve is undoubtedly fond of me, and vice versa.
I’m not sure how to proceed here. I want to maintain both friendships, but if Sarah is feeling a bit uneasy, perhaps I should cool my friendship with Steve? Should I just carry on as normal and see if she says something at some point? I don't want this to explode in my face in the future. What does MN think?

Arrange to do something with her - just the two of you without Steve.

You shouldn't have to do this, but maybe drop into conversation either one of the following:

• you don't want a relationship with anyone as you enjoy being a single parent
• you have met someone / there is something in the air between you and a third party (not Steve).

Just something that reassures her really.

^^This

And I wouldn't talk to her about it, it's giving it too much oxygen. Just make sure you see them togther

Not read the whole thread.
The OP is enough.
OP you know the answer don't you.
And if you genuinely don't, you are a single parent so you were in some kind of relationship at some point in your life which resulted in your child. Ask yourself this. "if this man was my husband and he was doing what this man is currently doing with me with a single woman in our social group would I be happy?"
If you can honestly say yes I would be happy then Sarah and you were never friends. But I bet you would not be happy would you?

This has nothing to do with whether or not you fancy him. It's to do with boundaries and respect. The odd jobs, although U woukd question why you need so much done, it's the issue.

The real issue is that there a man who regularly seeks out your opinion and has conversations with you (what would do you if you were them financially). He seeks your advice. If they were a team, would he really needs do much advice from you? He should value her opinion more than yours and be having most of these conversations with her. She is his wife. You are just a randomer wanting free labour.

You sense she has a problem with it, so why wouldn't you just look at it from her point of view.

It sounds like you are attention starved and really enjoying how highly he rates your superior opinions.

@Fammm hope you are OK.

What did Sarah do/not do that made you worry?

I would never ever overstep here

Too late, mate. Private conversations - him 'dropping in' - you're in affair country.

I Suppose on the surface it all looks dandy but the question you need to ask yourself is, why doesn't he get advice from his wife, why does he seek you out.

If my DH was asking a female friend for help instead of me i would be annoyed and, as my friend i would hope she would understand that she is crossing a boundary.

You seem utterly clueless - i genuinely believe you think this is innocent but trust me it aint.

In about six months he'll be telling you his wife doesnt understand him....

Keep clear.

The point is surely that you sense Sarah is unhappy. This should be enough for you to back off. Otherwise you are literally saying you don't care about her feelings and that you and Steve take precedence. You must see that it's not right to prioritise your relationship over theirs.

I can't help but feel that you were looking for validation and aren't interested in hearing another view. Which raises issues in itself.

surely its not that unusual to get on well with somebody? You dont need to become besties with someone just because you get on great. I love seeing some of my friends dps and can have great banter, but you just cant really do platonic best friends as adults very easily, as generally speaking, someone will get hurt.
I think he likes you a lot and now his wife, your friend is hurting.

You need to back away from the friendship.

I’m in the minority to be fair, I get on so much better with guys than girls. I have many guy friends and don’t plan on jumping into bed with them all.

Society says it’s wrong and it’s a shame. I’d be in a much darker place if I told my guy friends that we couldn’t be friends anymore. They support me so much.

Just tread carefully.

Yeah me too, but I don't go on about how much they value my opinion and advice because they're my friends so yeah. I also tend to make friends with them themselves, not make friends with their wives and then move onto them.

Also I'm not "not like the other girls."

Same and I feel sorry for you, OP, that a nice friendship isn't possible here. But it's how things are.

I lost a friend about a decade ago. Her husband and I were out of work at the same time, we got on well and I suggested we have a coffee one Tuesday or so. It went down badly with her. She never spoke to me again. I was naive to suggest it. At the time, I thought she would think it was cool that we were friends. Clueless of me, frankly.

Now I know better, I certainly wouldn't want my husband running round to a female friend's house all the time.

I'd say generally when people get a gut reaction or sense of unease somethings off. Different people have different views around opposite sex friendships and that's between them really. I think I'd be a bit jealous in Sarah's position but I also wouldn't want to dictate who my partner could be friends with. A lot would depend on the start of my own relationship.
Emotional affairs are real. For me it would be about the level of intimacy and closeness rather than simply the physical side. I also think you're sensible enough to realise that dumpy grey haired women can be sexually attractive - thank goodness!

You've already overstepped.

Steve is probably up for sex with you.

Back away...

Ohh I see, that little bit of attention from Steve is making you feel a bit better about being 'grey and podgy' and good heavens your innocent little mind can't comprehend why his wife would feel a bit threatened by his "fondness" of you!! Honestly 😂😂

I don't think it's about you being single. Or about you potentially having an affair. Or even about women and men being friends.

it's about Steve not having appropriate boundaries. His wife has a friend. He has now decided the friend is more HIS friend, and he's having fairly intimate (ie private, not sexual) conversations with this friend about things that really, he should be able to discuss with his wife or in a group. Meanwhile, Sarah has found that someone she was good friends with has blatantly made it clear that actually, she likes Steve better. and sure, her feeling a bit cheesed off about that might be a bit petty, but no one likes to be supplanted (I have a sister who had form for deciding she likes my friends and then, before I know it, her and the friend are besties. I didn't like that I got annoyed about it, but nonetheless, I did. In the case of a husband and wife, that feeling must be x100).

I have male friends. But my male friends usually pre-date DH. The few that aren't, are usually men I've met through work. And while I consider them friends, good friends at that, my relationships with them have never developed in the same way my original male friendships developed or the way new female friendships develop. I think that's fine, and normal.

What's happening with you and Steve is not.

I think you are at risk of losing both of them if Sarah is unhappy. You need to have a conversation with Sarah to clear the air and then only see Steve whilst Sarah is about, that way there will be no cause for any concern.

You need to back off. You know this that's why you have come on here.

If you’re a single woman, a lot of women assume you’re after their husband. It’s embarrassing.

It is totally possible to have a friendship with a male and not want to shag them.

OP, I'm sorry this has happened to you, it is one of the perils of being a single woman.

I love the company of men but, as a single mother, had to forgo friendships with married men because of people like the posters answering you.

Take your pick, but I'd favour talking to Steve about it first, something along the lines of " I'm sensing that your wife is maybe a bit concerned about our friendship, which she doesn't need to be as I have no interest in you in a romantic way at all and would never want to cause issues within a marriage". Job done, sets him straight in case he has any ideas.

only really got to know Steve well over the last 3 years or so. It turns out that Steve and I get on really well, and I would now consider him to be one of my best friends too.

But she’s not your best friend is she and neither is he, not really. Yes you may be close friends, but a best friend really cool it with you and not talk to you about it? She’s a situational friend - you met via the kids and it’s great you kept in touch.

I would find it very unnerving if my DH suddenly got close with one of my mum friends - he gets on with them well but it’s just a line you wouldn’t cross. And why after 7 years of knowing them all of a sudden you are close and having banter etc?

There are certain boundaries you should not cross and this is one of them. Sarah is your friend and no matter how much you like her husband platonically, you and he can’t be “best friends”. Are you and him texting/phoning a lot? Could be she’s seen messages too?

Nobody is frothing, just giving you advice you asked for. Maybe come back to this thread in a couple of days. Nobody is frothing? Have you read all the posts? Many are verging on hysteria. It seems every board has turned into AIBU these days.

OP I'm friends with the husbands of some of my friends and have occasionally been in their company alone (shock horror). There's nothing wrong with that - you're not robbing his wife and DC oh special family time 🙄. If Sarah was happy then no problem, but the issue is Sarah has cooled towards you, so she may have an issue. Best to talk to her and apologise if you've unintentionally upset her.

Well just to reassure you that many of us (also single) women are reading this and 100% get you and your position here. Some people on MN seem to just want to wind up/verbally attack the OP no matter what. Either that or they have terrible reading comprehension

Just cool the friendship with Steve. You can still all be mates but I’d start swerving him dropping in and anything that involves just the two of you spending time together.