Abuse is everywhere

[Eastwestt]

Cheating, lying, financial abuse, emotional abuse etc is so common, I’m actually shocked to come across any relationship that doesn’t feature abuse.

Not sure why I’m posting. It’s just something I have very depressingly realised lately.

Friends, colleagues, relatives etc - the experiences are countless. From all walks of life. Including my own experiences of men too.

I don't disagree but I also think a lot of people on here are hypocrites. How many times have we seen men called financially abusive for not sharing 50/50 but in the same situation seen women encouraged to 'build an escape/emergency fund' or told it's wise to be independent?

No abuse in my house, OP. I'm single, there's no man.

DS and I get on well, we live generally in harmony and if I'm lied to, it's only about how much German homework is getting done. 😄

It creates a lovely secure feeling, knowing no-one can pull the rug from under us.

@FatPrincess do you really not understand?
This is a site for mums. Abuse ramps up or starts for many women during pregnancy and soon after birth. This is a time when many women have less money. Having a bit of money put aside so you can leave an abusive partner means a lot of women can get out.
I know there are refuges, but every day women are turned away because there are no beds. Having some money gives you some hope of escape.

Yes, but these things are material and context.
To quote a previous quote "She doesn't think it's an abusive relationship..even telling her how to put a glass away" - which would not be unusual for a woman to do with a man, but we understand that is weird for a man to tell a woman to do. A man relying financially on a woman really is more frowned on. I knew of a man who relied on his wife financially, while he had a hobby business that he did as he fancied and I held him in contempt, I think most would. It is different the other way round.
To a large extent, the man has the job to not be creepy, whereas the woman does not and that makes sense in the context we have.

I feel the same sadly.

Totally agree. My dad is dead and it’s only now that I fully realise how bad he was as a father and a husband. A vile man who would swear at his children, get them to come near him to get their face slapped for some discrepancy or other. My mothers also dead and I felt she should have stood up to him, but she made the bullets for him to fire, then seemed surprised at the outcome. She never disagreed with him. It’s now coming back to haunt me as there’s no fixing it now. A neighbour came to the door after mum died and said how much of a lovely couple they were. I wondered if she knew them at all. Dad would go out of his way for strangers so he did know how to behave, he just didn’t want to. It ruins lives. I thank god for my husband as he’s the total opposite of my parents. No one knows what’s going on behind closed doors. Neither of my parents would recognise this description of them.

So you only have 3 friends? Because statistically 1 in 4 relationships are abusive so if you have four friends, chances are one of them is in a difficult place. Obviously most do not talk about it so how would you know?

The most vile, narcissistic men are also those who are adept at appearing most charming in real life so friends & family would simply never believe them. Those are the men that lots of girls are secretly jealous of and think their girlfriends/wives must be so lucky.

I agree with OP though, definitely believe that the true percentage is much higher if you take other forms of abuse into account.

I'm not sure that what you posted is what you meant.
If a woman is being told to build an emergency fund she's probably a SAHM?
Or to be independent also a SAHM

If had her own FT salary none would make those comments in the first place
.
The bottom line is women are often left as the default child carers and burdened with domestic chores.
It's not hypocritical at all,it's common sense.

No I 'm not new here. I do realize that people use the word 'naice' to mock wealth. Actually it's ok to have money, but generally speaking, people don't like it. Sometimes it's like a race to the bottom on here.

I'm not unsympathetic either and I'm sorry you have suffered abuse.

I do think our view of the world is coloured by our own experiences though. Personally I truly don't know of any abusive relationships - this doesn't make me lack empathy. If I knew anyone was suffering then of course I would be sympathetic.

I don't agree with your comment about it being inevitable for people to know of hidden abusive relationships. My family and friends are very open, and I'm certain none of them is hiding anything.

I also think it's unwise to speculate on a person's character based on a couple of throwaway comments on an Internet forum.

This was exactly my experience when I left my husband. They all come out of the woodwork. I was shocked at the number and some of the couples who I would ah e thought were rock solid.

Lots of them in very nice homes that they don’t want to lose if they have to divide the assets.

I think it's a bit OTT to say every relationship has some form of abuse. But some do yes. Including friendships, and sibling relationships, and parent/child, etc etc, as well as couples.

'

I have been emotionally abused, as has my cousin in her LTR.

I know several colleagues who have had abusive relationships.

@MarnieMarnie you must have a very sheltered life. Or all the men you know are without reproach, which seems unlikely.

Yeh, realistically, choices are 1,) shit man, 2) no man. Easy decision.

It’s not everywhere at all. Maybe you are hyper aware of it? Lots of people including myself and my parents have normal happy marriages.

Which is terrible advice.
It is post like that that encourage women to stay with men who do not put them first.

But the same answers were given when women said they didn't want to share their inheritance. Other way around it'd have been a different story. Like the thread where OP's husband was paying for the ex to go on holiday every year. Had it been a woman paying for her ex husband people wouldn't have been saying to keep paying/oh, what a nice gesture etc.

Of course I understand it's a site for mums. That's why it's biased at times.

And tbf there are even less refuges for men so surely they also need escape funds?

And there's also the fact that a decent bloke will usually look for somebody without a personality disorder. 🤣

@FatPrincess most men are working and have a wage that means they can leave. There are not less places for men in refuges. Most services are for women and men. Most councils who give grants to domestic violence services insist on this. A particular refuge may only be for women and children, but there are other arrangements for men. And now days many services put both women and men up in cheap hotels. But as I said way more people ask for emergency accommodation and help than there are places available. If you can pay for your own accommodation you can still access other help and support.

You really think people would think it is okay for a married woman to pay for her ex to go on holiday? Why not start a thread saying that and see what people say. I can tell you people will think it is bizarre and would suspect they are having an affair.
Most people on MN say if a couple are married income is family money. But some have different views.

The claim that people would react differently if it was a woman or a man are tiresome and not true.

@FatPrincess I do not need escape funds. I work and have my own bank account. Financially I could leave with my children if I had to.

I have/had been chatting to the loveliest, sweetest old man on the edge of my estate since I moved here 4 years ago. Talked endlessly about his lovely late wife with such love, how they met, how much he had to work to get her, how she was the love of his life. I always thought how lucky she was. Until one day, I clicked that I knew his Daughter, age lived at the top of my estate.

Next time I saw his DD, I said “ahh Sue, I didn’t know xxx was your Dad, he’s lovely!” & she nearly cried telling me he used to beat his 5 children and his wife. He’d beat the children & lock them in their rooms every single Saturday then force his wife to have sex whether she wanted it or not. Beating her black & blue if not.

I will never look at any person/relationship and think it’s perfect again.

Same for me but with a DD! I get lied to too (in the best way a 7yo can, but I’m smarter!) Me, My DD & my Dog, happy & relaxed!

My Ex would love to come back but no way would I put myself back in the firing line if more moaning, shouting & eye rolling!

There are not less places for men in refuges. Most services are for women and men. Most councils who give grants to domestic violence services insist on this. A particular refuge may only be for women and children, but there are other arrangements for men.

Unfortunately not the case. It's been like this for decades. I remember seeing a documentary 20 years ago as a kid where they interviewed a battered guy. He was saying his local authority basically told him "sorry, we've got no provision to help males."

It's a bit better now but still dire.

Male domestic abuse: Lack of refuges 'inexplicable', charity says

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-oxfordshire-60942626

Male domestic abuse: Not enough support for victims, says charity

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-45490173

Male domestic violence victims lack support...

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/male-domestic-violence-victims-refuges-mankind-initiative-a8540346.html

You don't know this

If abuse is everywhere, so is acceptance of abuse, learned of otherwise. Abusers will always abuse, it's how a society helps their victims is what matters. Too often the victims themselves are the last to realise they're being abused in the first place.

This is just so disturbing.