Abuse is everywhere

[Eastwestt]

Cheating, lying, financial abuse, emotional abuse etc is so common, I’m actually shocked to come across any relationship that doesn’t feature abuse.

Not sure why I’m posting. It’s just something I have very depressingly realised lately.

Friends, colleagues, relatives etc - the experiences are countless. From all walks of life. Including my own experiences of men too.

well done @Iamnocook that must have been so hard

but I think you have shed light on what we are talking about-
there have been generations of abuse in your family, because children grew up accepting that this was a normal way to behave- only when someone is able to escape and protect their children from learning this can things change

in the same way children who grow up seeing loving, respectful relationships will, on the whole, not put up with abuse or be abusive

I agree it is very common. A couple I know who post on facebook about how wonderful their relationship is and pose in public as the perfect couple, are in an abusive relationship. The woman one evening came out without her partner who was ill. During the evening she got upset and admitted how controlling her partner was - gave lots of examples. Since then she refuses to talk about it and just says they had a blip and everything is wonderful. I do not believe her. And I am sad every time I see them out holding hands and giving an impression of a perfect relationship. She is independently wealthy, so it is not money keeping her in the relationship.

I agree. And no one in these sorts of relationships will either see it for what it is or admit to it in real life.

As I’m getting older I see why so many older women live alone with cats.

Parents abuse their children quite commonly too !! Kids bully each other .

People take advantage of each other

Also I think OP that there is now more awareness what makes a relationship abusive.

In the past as women depended on men financially, they had to put up with cheating, violence and so on.

The police also often minimised domestic violence and sexual offences in general in the past and failed to support women so men got used to getting away with it.

These days there is more awareness of the fact that emotional and physical abuse is unacceptable and not something you should put up with.

Unfortunately many men still carry the belief that women are second-class citizen put on this earth to serve them and meet their sexual needs.

I think toxic masculinity is a big problem and still not being addressed properly and porn being so widely available online hasn't helped improve their ability to have equal and loving relationships.

Official stats show that 1 in 4 women have been raped or sexually assaulted as an adult.

That is really staggering and appalling. And as long as we continue to pretend that there is no real issue with sexism, misogyny and violence against women and girls this will continue to happen.

If that counts as DA of men, then I would imagine it is closer to 9.5:10 and for men and 1:1 in my experience 😆
For all I understand women do emotional labour for housework, I have typically been the one expected to physically do it. It is different, a man physically hitting a woman of insulting his physical appearance is abuse, a woman doing it to a man is not really. Equally, we have gaslighting to a woman and mind games to a man.
A change in going from UK to Europe has been that domestic chores are based much more on who has responsibility rather than who does them on an emotional level.
I am afraid sometimes that MN can normalise abusive relationships.

She is independently wealthy, so it is not money keeping her in the relationship

but this may be a significant factor in the abuse
she may be independently wealthy but does she control her own money?

its really not the case that educated, more wealthy women suffer less abuse- however they may have more resources to escape it. for example they may have friends rich enough to let them stay for a few months, they may have their own car, they may have a career that can be easily transferred elsewhere etc etc

The more you date, the more you see it in men, especially online. There are a fair few out there, the trick is to spot the signs and keep your whits about you and dump asap, only then will you get to the ones who are not abusive.
It's a worry when you hear some women who want to try OLD, who you can tell would perhaps be too trusting and naive and vulnerable, it's not for the feint-harted. Good men do exist though.

I think you haven't understood what I meant.
I mean the derision, eyerolling and verbal abuse women face if they ask their partners to do their share
Not women abusing men

Yes, but that really is shocking and abusive behaviour.
It is also not normal.

Why are you so stunned? I don't know anyone in an abusive relationship either. None of my friends or family have ever spoken about knowing about an abusive relationship.

As an aside, what is all this 'naice' business? What's wrong with using the word nice?

I can't be bothered to explain why I've used the word naice, are you new on here?

You don't understand why I'm stunned?
I've explained that I was abused and that I work with dv victims!!
I'm also stunned at your lack of empathy - just awful.

@MarnieMarnie ive dated lots of guys who haven’t been abusive. Do I think it’s because I am somehow more switched on and superior ? No. In fact, I’ve later found out a boyfriend from my early 20’s had recently been caught beating up his wife. I have no idea why he did it to her and not me, but I’d think it was more to do with his issues rather than because his wife ‘put up with shit’ and I didn’t.

I have also been married to an abusive man. Did I put up with his shit? No. I left almost as soon as the abuse started which was when I became pregnant. Short on having a crystal ball, I’m not sure what else I could have done.

perhaps it was more difficult for me to spot because he was a privately educated, post graduate in a professional job. So, the assumption that middle class men don’t abuse their partners didn’t help me.

its found across all sectors of society. A friend who worked for a DA charity knew the wife of a high court judge who would purposely wear revealing clothes because it meant her husband wouldn’t hit her and leave bruises.

your attitude is one that is widely held and is a way of people psychologically protecting themselves from the anxiety of worrying that awful things might happen to them. ‘I’m too posh/clever/confident’…when it can happen to anyone.

It’s like me saying ‘none of my friends have cancer- that’s because they all look after themselves better’. Nice theory, but in reality, more likely to be a statistical quirk.

And just so you know your family & friends are unlikely to talk to you about their abuse (many of us keep it hidden) Nobody knows what other people's relationships are like, your ignorance is worrying.

Its a lot more common than I used to realise.

And you really can't spot the guys who are. Some are expert manipulators and deceivers.

If you read the threads on here it's absolutely rife.
My point is though how many women in seemingly " normal" relationships would suffer this type of abuse if they stopped doing all the CC and housework?
Almost all of them

@MarnieMarnie, I know men who have wives who work full time, take main responsibility for the housework and are the main emotional support in the household. Some of those men declare themselves to be amazing and others consider themselves lucky. Frankly, I agree more with the latter group and you are sounding like the first.

Same here.

Have found men much easier to work with tbh. Also have a bullying narcissistic mother who has made my father's life a misery for decades but is good at passing as normal.

Lots of women who post on MN are financially abused as well. And there are always other women commenting saying that is normal and not abuse.

I've been in two .
My daughter been in two.
Friend (J) been in 3.
Friend ( B) been in 2.
Friend (P) been in 2.
Only one of us have a wonderful relationship now.
Rest are single.. me included and I'm staying that way.

@MarnieMarnie I don’t think you can say your friends and family do not have abusive relationships. None of us really know what others are like behind close doors, even our parents.

And there is lots of abuse in middle and upper class marriages and relationships as well.

Is the 1:4 figure for reported to the police instances or charged and found guilty instances, does anyone know? There will be many, many more who haven't reported their abuser(s). The only way my ex would be included in the figures would be if the statistics take into account Women's Aid and Rape Crisis users.

There are people being abused who haven't told anyone, as PPs have said, but there are also people being abused who don't realise it. Sometimes it can be very subtle, but always with intent.

Interesting post. I went a friends house last week, usually husband is out . The weather he spoke to her, and undermined her was unreal. I call it emotional abuse and control. She doesn't think it's an abusive relationship..even telling her how to put a glass away 🙄