Apologies in advance for the long message. Just the tip of the iceberg. My husband has always been demanding, suffocating, overbearing. When I moved in he wanted the toilet roll a certain way, the towels on the hand rail in the bathroom had to be perfectly level. He would always redo them after I did them. The curtains had to be pulled just so and every day he would redo them moaning and tutting. Like a fool I put up with it and thought he’s got ocd for cleanliness, it’s just ‘his way’.
After we had children I packed up work and it got worse he would want the house just so. Whatever I did it felt wrong. Now the children are 8 DS and 10 DD, he is so mean to our son, says he’s trying to toughen him up. When son got frustrated when he was around 4 or 5 if he lost at something or couldn’t do something he would roll on the floor beside himself hysterical upset, my husband would laugh and go and get the phone to record it which infuriated DS more. Last year it got to the point I could take no more, he shouted right in my face saying how pathetic I was in front of the children because I said that son didn’t want to ‘play fight’ anymore as it generally ended with him in tears. He would shout at them practically every day for not hanging up their coat or put their shoes away, when he really loses his temper they cower in the kitchen under the table or go and hide under their bed or under their bed covers. I spoke to doctor as I was a mess, they brought in the children and spoke to them, then reported it as safeguarding issue, they called SS and they came round, DS heard that we might get divorced and went into the kitchen, took a knife and said he was going to kill himself cos he was so upset. He blamed himself for SS getting involved because he had spoke out to the doctor and said what husband was doing. That was a year ago, things improved mildly, we still tread on egg shells, it still feels like he’s got two army recruits rather than children. I hate him. He still does the curtain thing, tells me all what cleaning I’ve missed doing round the house, opens cupboards and says loud enough for me to hear ‘ffs can’t even stack a cupboard, has no one taught you anything ’ same with the dishwasher, always redoes it. His way of attacking my mum for ‘apparently not teaching me anything or how to do things properly.’
Last week DS got to our door from school first and rung bell. Husband deliberately left sons bag at end of path so he had to go and get it, then he let DD in and then pushed in front of DS and took his time taking shoes off to make DS wait, son got infuriated by this and pushed into husband to shove him, then DS got angry and bit husband, husband screamed at him and walloped him round the head, the first time he has ever struck him , DS was beside himself, ran in and curled in a ball on the stairs. DD saw what happened and stood trembling in the hall, I tried to console them, all husband went on about was how he was the injured party. Yes he shouldn’t have bitten him but it was years of pent up rage coming out.
After I spoke to DS, he said ‘I just can’t stop thinking about it, I don’t know how my fathers not in prison’.
I confronted husband upstairs and he’s still raising his voice going I don’t know how you can take his side after what he did. He could not see how mean he had been not letting him in. My daughter heard me talking, him raising his voice and told him what she thought how she lives in fear how she has no safe place to go how she doesn’t feel safe at home. He would not even look at her while she poured her heart out and stared at the telly. This was Friday. Today he is acting liking nothing ever happened. Trying to buy the kids off again, like he does every time he treats them like shit. He said before if I ever filed for divorce he would fight me every step of the way and there’s no way he’d let me get custody.
When he is in a good mood, he’s fun, he takes them places, wouldn’t think twice about taking them away for the weekend, he’s generous with all of us. But he has an evil, mean nasty streak that even odd times when it’s not there you are always on heightened alert waiting for it. I very rarely go out as I don’t feel comfortable leaving them with him. I went out for lunch this week, he got them from school, I had a really nice time, I got in and they were both really upset cos he’d screamed at them. I have no life. My kids have no ‘normal’ life, they both suffer with anxiety, my DD has toileting problems since age 4 even now, they said it was behavioural. My DS has anger issues and throws smashes things when he’s frustrated or upset. They both are erratic and have nightmares , my DD struggles to go to sleep cos that’s when she thinks when lying in bed. To the outside world we are a ‘perfect’ family. Nice home. Holidays. Yet we live in hell.
I am seeking legal advice this week, I can’t do it to kids any longer, thing is they will be devastated as love the ‘nice dad’. Has anyone been through this and come out the other side?