There is such a back story to this/a history of 12 years that for space and time reasons I can't fully explain. But currently, I am in a situation of trying to work out whether to stay or leave the relationship and feel I totally lost confidence in my ability to make a decision, am worried I will regret a decision to leave and need some perspectives from outsiders to the situation. This is already going to be SO long, so very sorry, and thanks in advance for reading!
I am fed up of my DH behaviour. He has always been selfish/very interested in his own hobbies and pursuits and these have come first, but it mattered less when we were young as I used the time to do my own things/progress my career etc. Now, we are older (me late 30s, him mid 40s), with a 3 year old child and another on the way. Some examples of how he behaves:
- His running - marathon - dictates his availability to a large extent. He runs most days, including 5 hours on a Sunday, couple hours on a Saturday, 3 hours on a Tuesday evening. Then Weds and Thurs he runs few hours Weds, running and tennis for 4 hours on a Thurs both during the day as he only works part-time. I have always been the organiser (he hates organising, in his own words, so never does any, whether for social or family admin stuff), but have to organise anything we do/seeing friends not only around this but also the 16 week marathon schedule he works to (twice per year as he runs two marathons, one in April, one in October). He expects evenings with friends, holidays etc to be planned accordingly so as not to interfere with his running schedule.
- As a result of the above I have very little/no time for my hobbies. He frequently tells me to get hobbies/do more exercise etc but of course only when he is not doing the above. Any 'free' time I get is spent cooking/paying household bills/sorting stuff for the child/walking the dogs etc. I have no time for hobbies really.
- He is messy and disorganised. He leaves his stuff everywhere (clothes on floor, won't chuck anything out so has 5 wardrobes full of clothes, refuses to iron or fold or hang things so its just heaps of it all stuffed into wardrobes overflowing). He leaves paperwork everywhere and if I tidy and put it away in a drawer he moans that it isn't where he left it. He loses the house key frequently. He loses earphones etc. and blames me. He is late for everything including work every day (but his own business so gets away with it).
- He does minimal household chores. He will unload/put dishwasher on, occasionally does a load of washing (but won't put it away), occasionally walks dogs (if told he has to because for e.g I have to be in work early or late), and he does a school drop off or pick up most days. But that is it. He doesn't organise anything, buy anything for our child, arrange any activities, do any general cleaning, changing beds, paying bills, food shop, cooking, washing up etc. So he probably spend 2-3 hours per week on household stuff and I spend about 2-3 hours per day when taking cooking into account.
- He is dismissive of rules/safety etc. An example is he can't be bothered to loosen and tighten the straps in the car seat so will squeeze DC into it as it is and then lets the straps sit across her arms rather than on her shoulders. He is frequently involved in mild altercations in the car - he is always blaming someone for being in the wrong lane/cutting him up and ending up having arguments with those drivers. He cares little for speed limits - driving 55+ in a 40 because he treats the 40 sign as the starting point to reduce speed. He is always late so always speeding.
- He is dismissive of the need for any medical attention, ever. After the birth of my DC I had a PPH and, after finally getting home, was feeling worse and worse each day until I eventually felt I needed to go back to labour ward. Turns out I had the start of sepsis, needed several days in hospital, blood transfusions, IV antibiotics etc. He was in a huge mood that I was going back into hospital, told me it wasn't necessary, made me doubt myself and put off going to get seen for a day. He then was moody with doctors, saying I didn't have sepsis just an infection, and refused to come to visit me the following day (I was there alone feeding my newborn whilst trying to recover from sepsis) because he was so annoyed. Friday night DC woke with croup - has had before but only usually gets the cough, this time she had some breathing issues as well. Saturday morning asked if he would ask our mutual friend (who he knows a bit better/has his mobile number) who is a GP whether he would recommend anything. He refused to message him, insisting she was fine. I should add that when he came into our bed unwell with croup he immediately just left, no asking if I needed anything/any help.
- Related to above - our elderly dog has a recurring UTI - started in November and now on 3rd lot of antibiotics. Husband denies he has a UTI/or if accepts it declares no need to do anything about it. As a result, he won't get involved with giving him the meds, won't take him to the vets and has refused to give me any money towards the almost £1k vet bill (He has had 7 urine tests, one set of bloods, a scan of his bladder and 6 appointments plus 3 lots of antibiotics) as he says I shouldn't have paid for any of it/done any of it.
- Bills - arrangement when we first moved into our house was I paid all utilities and food, as I was a student then and only working part time. He was working his own business earning £100k+. He paid mortgage and council tax. So he was paying more, but also earned way more (I earned about £15k at the time). My earnings have since increased, but bills have massively gone up so what used to be about £800 a month is now £3k when taking into account childcare etc. He paid mortgage off. Agreement last year (after I begged) was that he would contribute half to the bills now he wasn't paying mortgage and because they were now so much more than they used to be. I have to chase/remind/beg every month for the money and he eventually pays it a month late, meaning I am constantly £1500 out of pocket. He won't set up standing order. He refuses to pay towards things he sees are unnecessary (presents for friend's birthday parties etc).
- We remortgaged last year to allow us to do some work to the house and potentially invest some money elsewhere. He promptly took about 65/70% of the money, put it into his own savings accounts and bonds that tied the money up for a year making it inaccessible. He didn't tell me he was doing this. So when bills come in for work to house or whatever he says he can't help as all the money is tied up until X.
- He went on holiday with his friend recently. He had mentioned doing it - which is fine, they often have a few days away together as an annual thing - and I just asked to be given notice of what dates he was planning so I could arrange grandparents to help etc. He booked it then told me the dates, which clashed with me being away on a course for work AND our 20 week scan, which he missed. No apology, no acknowledgement this was a problem.
Whenever I attempt to bring these things up it ends up in him getting defensive and ignoring me for several days. He won't sleep well because he gets in such a mood about it, so will be up all hours banging and making sure I am also disturbed (or at least, has no care whether I am). He will then promptly return to normal and ignore everything as if the argument never happened. He makes me doubt myself/feel like all of this is trivial so I end up feeling like it is all in my head or I am being unreasonable. Like with household stuff, when I suggest we write down the list of weekly tasks and divide them, he accuses me of being boring, says relationships shouldn't be about itemising every single task you do, and points towards our friends who had an agreement to do this but ended up splitting up (I hasten to add, they split because one had an affair, nothing to do with the division of household labour!!) He will then say 'and anyway, I do loads of things you don't like put bins out (not strictly true as I also do this regularly and bring them in after collection day, I am always the one to take stuff to the tip as I hate mess/clutter etc) and cut the grass (the latter is true but that only happens 6 months of the year and takes an hour a week, so still nothing in comparison).
I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how much better it would be if I left, as many of these problems would persist - finances, car seat etc would all remain a problem. I also don't trust him to have my DC on his own for any length of time because he is so disorganised and, for example, would not take her to hospital if she was unwell, would leave her crying in the night so he didn't have to deal with her etc. When she was younger and slept very badly he would get so angry he would hit walls in the middle of the night when she wouldn't sleep :(