Horrible row with DH, and I don’t know how to move forwards.

[Pinkswans]

DH and I have a three year old and a six month old. The six month old is going through a challenging sort of period where she seems desperate to be on the move but isn’t quite there yet - lots of hair grabbing and grabbing skin on your neck and twisting and squirming. It isn’t her fault but in all honesty spending time with her isn’t particularly enjoyable. The three year old is easier in many ways but is sidelined because the baby is so demanding and he reacts to this.

I have been struggling with DH lately because things feel a bit chaotic. The house is a mess, it feels like we’re treading water.

So to give some context here, we were looking through some photos the other day and I saw a scarf I was wearing and said something like ‘wonder what happened to that.’ DH said it was under the stairs and I said pretty jovially that if he found it he’d get some brownie points. He then completely emptied under the stairs, bringing me the most random stuff - he found the scarf but there are now eleven bags of crap in the corner of the hall. We also unearthed DS’s old pushchair which he doesn’t go in now. This morning, DS was in a silly mood so I suggested he go with DH to put the pushchair in the garage (DH rents a garage in the village) it should have been a ten minute trip at most. Forty five minutes go by and meanwhile I’m dealing with a fussy, irritable baby and I get a photo from DH - he was on the park with DS.

it isn’t that I have an issue with them going to the park: of course I don’t. But what really upset me was the way it’s just assumed he can do what he wants when he wants. We’ve had weeks of this and I got really upset. I feel we aren’t parenting as a team at all, if I try to talk to him about a worry or issue with one of the children he gives me the brush off, anything ‘important’ like potty training and weaning are left to me (and both are going badly!)

The problem is I don’t know how to address it. When I try to talk to him he just gets defensive so how?

Why isn't your husband taking her?

This is what I think is unclear. Your posts haven't mentioned that your husband isn't willing to look after the baby, so People responding to you are wondering why you aren't just saying "I'm popping out for an hour at some point today, you need to look after the kids"

@Pinkswans it sounds like you both have different expectations and ways of ‘being’. Neither are wrong but you’re not feeling heard (or not able to describe what it’s like to your DP so he understands). It’s not your job to have to do everything but it is your job to find a way to speak up for yourself. Even if it means you have to do a bit if leg work to get through to him in the first instance. It’s easy to say he should do x or y, the fact is he isn’t and something has to change.

It’s not a race to the bottom - just because others have a view does mean that’s how you want to live - what do you and your partner want together? It’s so easy to slip into bad habits

You’re still a good mum - Anyone would get frustrated with a fussy grabby baby even if they are one of your loves of your life. Is there any chance for an afternoon together without the kids to do something nice. Sod picking up the house/chores in that time - get back to bring you.

I am saying this gently as I totally understand things are rough right now, but “spending time together” isn’t actually in everyone’s best interests.

You have said yourself that your older child is being sidelined because the baby is so demanding and “he reacts to this”. Hence actually the best thing is to give 1 on 1 time to BOTH children. Doing things together “as a family” looks lovely on the tv adverts but when you have a 6 month old and a 3 year old, they have absolutely nothing in common, and 6 month old monopolises attention.

Spending time separately gives both children focused attention. It’s not going to be this way forever but in the short term, there is a reason people refer to having young children as being “in the trenches” sometimes.

Your older child has had a much better day at the park with dad than they would have playing second fiddle to a demanding baby, that’s what you should focus on. They have had a lovely day. Tomorrow or next weekend, let it be YOUR turn to have that lovely quality time with your older child.

OP, you're not getting the partnership and teamwork you need from your DH.

You're struggling with a clingy baby and a toddler who is pushing your buttons.

It's too much. You shouldn't have to feel this overwhelmed and alone.

I wonder whether you could do with a visit to investigate PND. But that doesn't mean your DH isn't failing you. By mentioning PND, I'm not for a second suggesting that your difficulties are simply down to your own hormones. He's not helping you in the way you need him to.

You desperately need some teamwork, partnership and a sense that the family is pulling together. Please try again to talk with him about how you're feeling. Maybe you could put it in writing so that you can articulate your feelings more easily rather than him defending himself without hearing between the lines?

Things will get better. And you shouldn't have to be the one to instigate improvement. But the reality is that he's unaware of what he's done wrong (as I was guilty of too, at the beginning of your thread). He needs it spelling out to him. Then he needs to show you that he's able to work with you as a team and acknowledge how difficult it is with a small baby and a trying toddler.

You need an actual break from both children, and then you need to factor in time every week where your DH has the baby and you spend time with DS however unpleasant it is until you've patched up your relationship.

Then you can start working on family time together.

I actually completely understand what is making you angry, but I do think you need a break to get some perspective and hopefully be able to have have a constructive talk with your husband.

It isn’t a trip to the zoo I want.

If I wanted one child at a time I wouldn’t have had another.

It isn’t even family time as such. I have happily taken both children to give DH a bit of space but the point is he knew this. He knew I was taking them to a birthday party or a group or soft play and roughly when I’d be back. He didn’t wake up like Kevin in Home Alone to us all gone.

I understand, by the time I had my difficult one the grandmothers were too old to cope with him. Is there any way you could pay for some help, half a day in nursery so you could switch off might help. There was a helper at my daughter's playgroup who would have mine for an hour or so and I'd get a chance to play with the 2 year old.

Tomorrow is Sunday
The weathers looking up why don’t you and ds go out
Leave dh to handle a difficult baby.
You might even want to forget your phone

I wouldn’t put up with this inconsiderate crap from a man that has fathered my children
My dh and I worked together with everything. That’s marriage.

Your husband? He doesn’t get to choose not to take her. She is his child. You just walk out and leave her with him

I don't understand why you're getting so much grief on here.
I remember how hard and intense having a limpet baby was, and I only had the one.
I also had a DH who would take the baby the minute he got in from work so that I could have a breather before starting the evening routine, on a weekend he would put her in the pram and take her out for an hour to give me space because he understood.

And letting you know where he is and how long he'll be is simple consideration.
I know you want to do things as a family and once the baby's through this stage that will probably happen but for now your husband should get his finger out of his arse and be more involved in the baby stuff.

I hear you 💐

45 mins will feel like ages when you are exhausted, trying to sort out HIS mess whilst he is relaxing at the lark and having a coffee or whatever.
And he is making it even clearer by sending a cute picture!

I doubt the Op would have been annoyed if she had been relaxing reading a book whilst tye dd was sleeping.
But she wasn’t. He knew that. And instead he chose the easy p/nice option fur himself and kept the OP dealing with the hard stuff on her own AGAIN.

So heck yes. Those 45 mins will feel awfully long.

OP you need a break.

Reading your OP, yes it sounds petty. Reading on, I can absolutely hear your general frustration with things and it honestly just sounds like you need a break. Some space to breathe and think, away from the kids. Whether that’s the pub or a mates sofa or your parents or whatever - you need a bit of looking after and a reset. DH can juggle for a day or two. Is this a possibility?

I don’t want to leave her in nursery.

Look. I know I’ve lost my temper and I’m sorry. But please try to understand.

That hour or so DH was out before is a long time with a struggling baby. When there are two adults you can share it a bit. He has her for ten minutes, I have her for ten. I can have lunch, shower, put the washing away.

I don’t really mean I don’t want them but it’s so hard, DS understandably hates me and DD is so so needy.

Lucky 3 yr old that his Dad wanted to take him to the park

Wow @Parentofeanda your bar is set very, very low.

And I don’t need a ‘break’ to be honest a break would make it worse. I just need some relief if you like even if that’s DH holding her for fifteen minutes so I can wash my hair.

"So people think it’s all right for him to vanish, go off to places without letting me know first?"

Yes.

So can you.

You could have gone off somewhere with the baby while he was at the park with your son.

He should communicate his plans with you and do more with the baby.

I think what people are responding to negatively is your anger, which out of context seems disproportionate to events. In the context of him not pulling his weight domestically and with the baby and you being exhausted it's much more sympathetic.

I think it's quite common where there is a fairly small sibling age gap that the father does more with the older sibling while the mother gets stuck with the baby all the time. I remember being furious with my husband about how long it was taking him to put the toddler to bed while I was trapped under a baby. I also think it took him longer to bond with our second child. It's what everyone says, I know, but it gets so much easier. Those days seem a bit of a blur now.

We are mostly all telling you the same thing here....we appreciate that its a difficult phase and many of us have been there. Your DH sounds like he isn't good at communicating..not unusual..he sounds like he's got the message that you are very stressed and is trying to help -i guess in a clumsy way. But you are even complaining at all the people's suggestions here..no one can win.

You want to spend more time together as a family ..so you need to sit down and plan your day. You are both navigating this part of parenting two kids which is really tricky at times. Give him a break..listen to everyone's advice - which you came on here for - and communicate with him yourself. Explicitly tell him what you need.

@Pinkswans I think that what your dh was shit.

He is thinking of himself, and just himself.
Hecis doing all sorts to avoid the hard parts of parenting. So he doesn’t answer discussions on potty training. He escapes doing his own things wo a second thought for you.

Its running deeper than just ‘not having family time’.

And you’ll need to address it before resentment really sets in.

My God! I wish I could say what I want to, but it'd only get deleted. I'd be shamed of myself if id just posted what you did.

And you sound like you can’t read….

What a shame

I’m sorry if this sounds trite, but I just wanted to say, even if it doesn’t feel like it just now, your son loves you very much and this too will pass.

And if that makes you want to scream, “STOP BEING SO PATRONISING, I KNOW MY SON LOVES ME!” then that is a very good thing.

Exactly. It was also just 45 minutes not the whole day. I’m guessing it’s the stress of irritable baby OP so I’m trying to be as kind as possible but 100% YABU