Horrible row with DH, and I don’t know how to move forwards.

[Pinkswans]

DH and I have a three year old and a six month old. The six month old is going through a challenging sort of period where she seems desperate to be on the move but isn’t quite there yet - lots of hair grabbing and grabbing skin on your neck and twisting and squirming. It isn’t her fault but in all honesty spending time with her isn’t particularly enjoyable. The three year old is easier in many ways but is sidelined because the baby is so demanding and he reacts to this.

I have been struggling with DH lately because things feel a bit chaotic. The house is a mess, it feels like we’re treading water.

So to give some context here, we were looking through some photos the other day and I saw a scarf I was wearing and said something like ‘wonder what happened to that.’ DH said it was under the stairs and I said pretty jovially that if he found it he’d get some brownie points. He then completely emptied under the stairs, bringing me the most random stuff - he found the scarf but there are now eleven bags of crap in the corner of the hall. We also unearthed DS’s old pushchair which he doesn’t go in now. This morning, DS was in a silly mood so I suggested he go with DH to put the pushchair in the garage (DH rents a garage in the village) it should have been a ten minute trip at most. Forty five minutes go by and meanwhile I’m dealing with a fussy, irritable baby and I get a photo from DH - he was on the park with DS.

it isn’t that I have an issue with them going to the park: of course I don’t. But what really upset me was the way it’s just assumed he can do what he wants when he wants. We’ve had weeks of this and I got really upset. I feel we aren’t parenting as a team at all, if I try to talk to him about a worry or issue with one of the children he gives me the brush off, anything ‘important’ like potty training and weaning are left to me (and both are going badly!)

The problem is I don’t know how to address it. When I try to talk to him he just gets defensive so how?

Again...why don't you tell him you'll be swapping kids for the day?

Your OP seems to be more directed at a 'difficult baby'. Your daughter doesn't sound difficult but does sound like she's having a challenging time communicating her needs to you and for you to respond.
She sounds completely age appropriately bonded. She sounds like she adores being with you as you are her safe space. As she spent 9 months inside you it's highly likely that just the sound of your heartbeat helps her know that she's right where she needs to be.
Children who feel happy and safe around an adult behave completely differently to being around others. So if your children think that your boundary setting is awful and fly off the handle - you're doing a great job.

I wonder if you had a birth trauma connected with either? Your 3 year old is possibly a birth during lockdown which could contribute to the feelings of comparison between the two as there's no such thing as a difficult baby, just a baby that needs you when you have too much on your plate.

Your DH on the other hand, is acting oblivious to everything. He is the main issue and probably the 'too much' on your plate. I probably wouldn't waste your limited energy explaining how to communicate to an adult anymore. If he chooses to wonder off, not plan ahead with destroying the contents of a store in the home to the point it's going to put your family at risk - I wouldn't entertain it anymore.

At the time he did that, I would be putting my coat on and putting the baby in their cot etc and just exit the house with or without the toddler. No explanation and no information on time limits either.

He probably wouldn't notice you gone until your baby cried so do let the neighbour know where you're going.

I would also aim to go away for a weekend with the children without him. Couple of friends or family with children same age etc and whilst away look for somewhere else to live.

You need to surround your children with adults that you feel safe leaving them with, even if it's for playdates together and the 'leaving' part is just having a wee alone.

If your husband does notice any changes, ask him what he plans to do about his poor communication skills.

I don’t agree with most of these responses OP all you want is a little communication from him. He wants to take DS to the park, fine but he could have at least text and let you know they were heading there.
It’s not ok for him to swan about and leave you with both/one of the children and no idea where he is.

My husband, now deceased used to go abroad for his business for 3 months or longer and I never heard from him at all . He did that after both children got chicken pox at same time and I upset him so much about it that he said he wouldn't phone when away any more - and he never did! So going to park for the odd hour does not seem too bad!

I can see why you're frustrated. It's the lack of communication as much as everything - or maybe not as much as everything, but definitely frustrating. I've had a partner like that, it drove me mad. There was something really unsettling about the disappearing off and radio silences.
Forgive me if you've already said this but have you tried to have a serious conversation about your relationship/family/communication?

Because surely it’s obvious that isn’t what I want? (And DS wouldn’t be happy.) Plus I am actually breastfeeding although she will take a bottle. A bit pointless being married if Saturday I have DD and he has DS then swap Sunday. Why is this being pushed as a solution?

The point is about spending time together.

Sorry but you sound incredibly hard work. I feel sorry for your husband, sounds like he cant do anything right.

@Pinkswans MN is a very strange place where men who are doing a tiny little bit like taking a child to the park are seen as angels that can do no wrong.

Never mind that the consequence is that you are left (literally in your case) holding the baby. That your DH isn’t being helpful at all and that his great ideas of ‘going to the park’ aka avoiding being at home dealing with the shit that is going on means YOU are dealing with it.

People ARE being obtuse and it is apparent in many threads tbh.

I think you need to start leaving him with the difficult child while you take DS out.
I do get it. My youngest was such hard work miserable and screamy. I hated every minute of her babyhood. She also didn’t sleep. But I used to leave her regularly with DH. He got pretty good at settling her in the end because he had to. Which meant he then got the nights too!
Tomorrow tell him you’re taking DS to soft play while he looks after DD and go from there

OP why can't you have time away from the baby?

I've been reading your posts but I can't find that out.

Is there a specific reason?

But you knew where he was? Away on business. Swanning off in the middle of the day is hardly comparable.

You mentioned scarf, he had an idea where it was and found it despite it meaning turning a cupboard inside out… I assume that wasn’t his original plan for the day so he was trying to please you. Or do you think he enjoyed clearing out the cupboard and adding the job of taking the pushchair to the garage? It was 45 minutes instead of 10… so just over half an hour longer and your ds got some fun fresh air. It’s hard to see any of that as your dh being an arsehole. He didn’t disappear for hours and he let you know where he was. Why can’t he as an adult make that call - do you need to sign off on all his moves? If he’d disappeared for half a day I’d understand but 45 minutes? That’s not a normal reaction.

I’m not trying to be harsh but your posts suggest you have a view and cannot see it from another perspective.

There are difficult demanding babies. I have 4 kids and one was a very difficult baby, like the OPs baby he was frustrated about everything, he was rushing at life and it took a while for him to relax. It is bloody hard and it is really unhelpful to say things like, there's no such thing as a difficult baby.

Ok, I think I get you. I was initially thinking that this didn't sound like a big deal, but it's because it's a pattern that it's bothering you? Have I got that right?

Obviously in a normal world, we would just pop to the park for a bit without telling anyone. But you're at the point of predicting his unpredictability which is putting you in the position of constantly taking up slack.

I can relate to wanting to know where you are so you can plan. I wouldn't get on with someone who was constantly changing plans and disappearing either.

I do think the situation is exacerbated by you having such young children. So at least this stage isn't going to last forever.

I think you need to tell him.
Right now you are furious that he isn't reading your mind.
Tomorrow you need a break
So he needs to take both DC out or you go out.
For the whole morning
He's responsible for it all and there's a few chores,as well
I remember being at breaking point and DH pissing off to the dump
There were 10 loads of laundry etc but he went to the dump.

Communicate with him

BECAUSE NO ONE WILL TAKE HER

Who am I supposed to leave her with? Tell me?

It's very clear from your language how angry you are but you're blowing this out of proportion. He didn't fuck off for ages. It was 45 minutes which included a quick stop at the park. No one's saying your DH is dad of the year. They're saying he did nothing wrong. He was out with his son, they passed the park and stopped there briefly.. The issue seems to be that you're really stressed out by the baby. Ask your husband for help! Don't keep blowing up over nothing. Explain that you're struggling.
I'm wondering if you're depressed, saying you regret having the children etc. I say this kindly, not to belittle you, but I think you need support from your DH, health visitor, wider family etc.

Her

father

You say you're easy going op. I reckon you probably are. And so, I don't think you're being yourself on this thread. I echo a pp, there's something deeper here, and a doctors visit might be in your interest.

Fuck me. I’m going to leave it, as it’s true, it is just upsetting me and frustrating me that DH can do what he wants, when he wants, and I. - well. I can’t.

Your DH

That's the point

People are asking why you can't either leave both the children with the DH or get him to take them both out, or look after the baby whilst you have the toddler

If he won't do that then that's the problem, not that he was out for 35 mins longer than expected at the park

that's where you need to start

Now for your question on what to do.

I’d sit down with your dh and tell him it’s not working. You are left to hold the fort all the time and you need him to take responsibility.
I feel that what might go better is to sit down once a week and do a list of what needs to be done. Then each of you become responsible for specific tasks. Each of you have a break included.
I’d be amazed if your dh suddenly feels involved in potty training or weaning. But you could make it clear that he has emptied the cupboard, he is now responsible for dealing with the aftermath (instead of you having to tell what to do. Fgs, he is an adult!).
I’d also make sure that YOU are leaving him with his dd and also with dd and ds. He needs to learn how to deal with his own dcs. As well as learning how hard work it can be.
Oh I’d start putting yourself first from time to time. You are burnout and exhausted from looking after two dcs? Take a break. You’re not going to be able to do a good job out of it if you are running on fumes.

Saying you wish you never had kids and what a nightmare baby your DD is doesn't really scream not wanting to leave your baby, so no, it's not obvious.

Does your DH know you'd like more family time together? Have you suggested booking an outing like the zoo or something?

You are clearly exhausted, but you need to communicate your wants and needs much better than you currently are.

@Pinkswans I get it. Not many people do but I do I think.

I've got a 3 month old (14 week). He's pretty good in that he sleeps but doesn't like to be put down through the day. A real Velcro baby. We had a difficult start which I don't think helped, I've struggled with motherhood and being poorly (I know you this isn't your situation) and at times I've been extremely overwhelmed. Like I don't get a minute. It causes arguments, something and nothing that builds up and I feel resentful.

Initially it was dad sleeping while I done night feeds. Then it was that dad could nip here there and everywhere (hair cut, shop etc) while I need to schedule in a wee. When he does me a "favour" like getting up with baby, he pissed about so I'm awake by the time he does it anyways. I could come down and he's not changed baby, or he has and put clean pjs on so I've that to do. I do all the "playing" and entertaining. Dad will take baby when it's time to nap which is baby asleep on him. When I haven't got hold of baby (carrying or sling) I'm doing something... cooking, cleaning, mental load things (doctors nursery etc). When he hasn't got baby he's playing games. Ironically when there's a nappy to change his back goes.. a baby to hold he needs the toilet. Last week when we were going to a christening he pissed off for a haircut 🤬 leaving me to get me and baby ready in a short time 😂
But he is actually really good in lots of other ways and can be a really good help (does most of the cooking etc).

The point I'm making is you feel so overwhelmed so everything is getting to you. You're tired, you're busy, your house js a tip, one child is attached to you, the other "hates" you. You do all the crap stuff and DO does the fun stuff. He probably thought he was giving you a break taking one child to the park (because he a man lol) but what you're really wanting is help to get out of the house yourself. To be able to do something nice and easy at the drop of a hat.

Why don't you ask him to watch feed the kids while you get ready and then take the LO for a walk for some fresh air while he gets 1-1 time with the older one.

It will get better, I'm sure 😊

Her own father won't take her?