Horrible row with DH, and I don’t know how to move forwards.

[Pinkswans]

DH and I have a three year old and a six month old. The six month old is going through a challenging sort of period where she seems desperate to be on the move but isn’t quite there yet - lots of hair grabbing and grabbing skin on your neck and twisting and squirming. It isn’t her fault but in all honesty spending time with her isn’t particularly enjoyable. The three year old is easier in many ways but is sidelined because the baby is so demanding and he reacts to this.

I have been struggling with DH lately because things feel a bit chaotic. The house is a mess, it feels like we’re treading water.

So to give some context here, we were looking through some photos the other day and I saw a scarf I was wearing and said something like ‘wonder what happened to that.’ DH said it was under the stairs and I said pretty jovially that if he found it he’d get some brownie points. He then completely emptied under the stairs, bringing me the most random stuff - he found the scarf but there are now eleven bags of crap in the corner of the hall. We also unearthed DS’s old pushchair which he doesn’t go in now. This morning, DS was in a silly mood so I suggested he go with DH to put the pushchair in the garage (DH rents a garage in the village) it should have been a ten minute trip at most. Forty five minutes go by and meanwhile I’m dealing with a fussy, irritable baby and I get a photo from DH - he was on the park with DS.

it isn’t that I have an issue with them going to the park: of course I don’t. But what really upset me was the way it’s just assumed he can do what he wants when he wants. We’ve had weeks of this and I got really upset. I feel we aren’t parenting as a team at all, if I try to talk to him about a worry or issue with one of the children he gives me the brush off, anything ‘important’ like potty training and weaning are left to me (and both are going badly!)

The problem is I don’t know how to address it. When I try to talk to him he just gets defensive so how?

P.S. currently on a similar number of wake ups to you, and biting whilst BFing 😥

@Pinkswans This WILL pass. It does get much less exhausting.

Your DH could have just rung/messaged you when he made the decision to go to the park and invited you & DD. Not because your controlling or he felt he had to check in. But just to include you both. Even if you didn't fancy it he's showing you that he's thinking of you. Everybody wants to feel seen and heard and you aren't wrong for feeling excluded. I get it

Why why why do women feel they need to kick other women when they are already down?! Why is this?
I don't know any woman who has not found their baby hard work at some point.

...and that is why a hotel for one night would be bliss. Whether or not your DC's and DH have a shit night together. It's only one night, however things go down, they will all be alive and well in the morning unless you really don't trust him and he's abusive. Do you not trust your DH to cope for 1 night without you? He will learn a lot by it no doubt (and appreciate what you do more).
If you really see that 1 night with their Dad could cause them harm, you either have problems with how you are viewing things, or a big DH problem.

It can be miserable and hard work, esp with a toddler in tow. Everyone knows that. Stop gaslighting her.

I don’t want to presume I know how you feel but your DH sounds very like mine. I think we carry the mental load and if we want to delegate it for whatever reason to the other half of the partnership it’s just not as simple as saying, it’s your turn.
last weekend I wasn’t feeling well so said I needed to lie down for a few hours (over lunchtime) came down after 3pm and one of the kids hadn’t been given lunch because he ‘didn’t seem hungry’. We don’t want to have to say, I’m going to rest so in that time can you please do x, y and z. We want them to know what to do because nobody tells us what to do, we just look around and see what needs done and do it.
he’s either oblivious or doesn’t care. Some days I can’t decide which one.
My DH was just diagnosed with ADHD which explains a lot but not all.
I think you want him to notice. Notice you need a break. Notice the dishes need done. Notice your child should be given breakfast if he’s been up for 2 hours already… without having to be told.
The only way I survive is to make lists for him and he tries to get the stuff done but it’s not ideal. I can only imagine all the tiredness and night wakings is testing your patience even more than if you had a good night’s sleep. It’s still frustrating when you’re rested!
i hope in time it gets less frustrating. I hope somehow you can get through to him so he sees your point of view.
other people have said about getting to the GP but I remember talking to my GP when I was frustrated and they helpfully said, we can’t give you a pill to fix your situation and they’re right. My frustration was coming from my husband .. and communication and teamwork is what needs sorted. And maybe the going out and not communicating where he is or what he’s doing is part of the not noticing… not noticing you’ll be wondering where he is. Or not noticing you might prefer to share the baby duties. It’s tough!!

I think it would do you all a world of good for you to get up, feed the baby then hand her to her dad and take your DS out for breakfast and the park. You'll get some one-on-one time with your DS and your H will hopefully start to understand what parenting the baby feels like.

I agree, you say your 3yo is getting pushed to the side, your husband found a way to give him some quality time and you're cross at him. Seems unfair, I actually think he did the right thing here.

Parenting a toddler and a baby isn't for the faint hearted, you're going to be tense and stressed and argue, but it's a short lived phase and it will pass.

@Vinrouge4 horrible post. Hope you feel better for writing that. Christ.

He should have texted- going to take DS to the park.

@32degrees since when does one parent have to text the other to let them know that they’re taking their child to the park? Unless they’re running on a tight schedule and had plans, I cannot see why one parent needs to message the other.

It seems like you’re struggling with parenting at the moment OP and that’s completely understandable. If someone does something that is meant to take 10 mins, when you’re relying on their support, you expect them to be back within 10 mins. You’ve just said that your DS has taken a step to the sidelines due to his little sister at the moment. Surely it’s a nice thing to have 1:1 time with DS and have some time with him at the park? I think you need to look at it that way.

If you have issues with DH then they need to be dealt with separately. I can’t see what he’s doing wrong here

I am starting to feel sorry for your husband if you speak to him the way you have spoken to me.

I'm out. I have plenty of crap in my own life without taking on someone's online.

Op it seems that you’ve posted here thinking that people will automatically agree. Some will some won’t - if we don’t, it’s nothing personal… we just don’t.

It seems that the issue you had in your op, most people (including myself) think you’re being unreasonable. Your husband doesn’t need to tell you hour by hour what’s he’s doing. He took his son to the park, no big deal. You will cause problems in your marriage if you pull on that string.

HOWEVER

To me the crux of the matter is that you feel like DH is getting the fun jobs and you’re getting the not so fun jobs. Now that is understandable. I would say a concrete plan needs to be drawn up - pen to paper. with you both knowing what tasks you’ll be doing and when - making sure nights are appropriately covered by both of you. Feeding, changes, toilet training etc.

I think you took a very reasonable grievance of being stuck with the difficult jobs, but you blanketed it with the park example and most people were understandably lost as to what the problem was.

But in the grand scheme of things, taking his son to the park is fine. But not fine in the context of he does all the nice jobs and leaves you home struggling.

Thats what I’ve estimated to be the problem, I understand that I may be wrong.

I can't see a problem myself, if you are finding the baby that hard, have you thought you may have post natal depression ? You seem quite negative x

Seriously OP call Ann at nuturing sleep about this - I posted the link above.

she will help you get the baby sleeping better and is not a cry it out nutter.

I understand you OP.

Being the primary carer for a new baby can be overwhelming, especially when as you put it.. you get all the crap jobs and hubby swans around doing the fun stuff.

I suspect there are other deep rooted grievances you have with him about the lack of responsibility he takes on in the home, maybe you feel like his life has not changed much, whereas you are at home, exhausted with a baby and a toddler. This has resulted in you blowing up at him over taking your 3 year old on a detour to the park (which in itself isn't bad). You just haven't explained yourself properly which is why other posters are confused.

Sending hugs

I had a challenging second child and it was really, really hard to deal with. I think if your first child is relatively easy (even thought it's obviously life changing and very demanding) a second child with more challenging behaviour is very hard to take. No longer is it just one child between two adults but one each, which can mean no break.
Men always take the easiest route (in my experience / opinion). This can lead to the second child eventually becoming more clingy with you. So be smart and tell your partner to TAKE child no 2 out for some hrs at the weekend so you get a break. Don't let it slide.
It's so funny, everyone says women are the manipulators but men can be much smarter and stealthier at being manipulative. Maternity leave can run them too as you do everything and it can be hard to shift some of the load back on to them. Don't let "you doing it better" stop you from getting him to do it. Lay it down early and don't get guilted into doing more and don't get upset/emotional. Stay calm and MAKE him take on a more equal load. Be logical and keep emotions out of it. Easier said I know but form a plan!!

I think a lot of pp haven't read all of the OPs posts. I admit from reading the initial comment, I was struggling to see a problem myself. After reading the rest her husband sounds like a selfish pig and he isn't pulling his weight with parenting leaving her exhausted and feeling let down.

Your title bar suggested that you wanted to move forwards with this. There are some replies that are a hard read and best ignored, but you seem to block an awful lot of suggestions or perspectives from others in this long thread. All you want to have confirmed is that your DH is in the wrong; you aren't; the best way is that you all spend time as a family; everyone WILL be happy with this, and DH has to change and see the error of his ways or nothing will change.

Maybe that's true, but there could be other things to wonder about.
A 3 year old DS was in a silly mood and you sent him out with his DF - how many people have honestly just tried to get said child out (along with anyone in the house who may also be twanging on their last nerve) from under their feet when that's the day you're getting? I think your DH and DS were trying to stay out of your way with the longer-than-10 minute exit, possibly with the thought that it would be best for everyone. It didn't tick your box but I don't think it was malicious at all - yet they're still in the doghouse. If the even better option would be for him to take both kids, and for 10 minutes, then you need to make damn sure that is clear and to try and see other points of view too.

There's advice upthread about leaving potty training to warmer weather. I would back that up wholeheartedly. If your DS is also angry and not happy about the status quo with the baby right now, as he sounds to be, this might also be a good reason to wait a bit longer.

Awk op to be honest I feel for you as I know that stage of parenting really isn't easy or enjoyable at times and when my children were small I hated it too when my DH would take himself off to do something or call in to his parents on way home from work when I'd had a hell long day at home with the kids. Honestly though without trying to patronise you I don't think he ment any harm, perhaps getting the toddler out of the way seemed like a better idea as it's easy juggling 1 child than the two. I definitely know what you mean when you say you would have liked to have gone to the park too but just tell him next if he does something like this that you need a break to gather yourself and your thoughts and let him get on with it. Before you know it this little stage will pass. Xx

Also you are not him mum, yes he can go off on his own with his son and enjoy himself, he doesn't have to clock in and out, you told him to go out, it seems to be you are a bit controlling and don't like the fact he didn't do exactly as he was told.
Maybe ask him to take both of them to the park on Sunday for a few hours and you can get some jobs done at home and then have a nice quiet bath or something.

Eventually got DD back to sleep at half 3, then DS woke screeching the place down at about 545. I did go into him but had abuse hurled at me so left him. DH eventually heard him and took him and I went back to sleep. 8 am I go down, DS hasn’t had breakfast or got dressed or a drink and the kitchen still looks like a bomb hit it.

I can't understand what you mean here.

Do you mean your 3 year old son hurled abuse at you when you went into his room? What exactly is when a 3 year old hurls abuse?

Or your DH hurled abuse?

I think this whole thing is quite simple.

You and your H aren't communicating.

It's pretty simple.

If you haven't already, ask him to message you if he's going to do anything over and above what he's told you.

So if it was a 10 minute walk to the garage he rents, and he then went to the park, he should have let you know.

It's not clear if you have spelled it out to him like this .

If not, ask him.

If you do ask and he still doesn't communicate, you need to sit down and discuss it.

On the surface it sounds like a power game where he's pulling away and doing things and not letting you know, to give him some 'power'.

Is he?

@Pinkswans I haven't rtft or even all of your responses, but have read enough to see you've had a hard time from some posters

I totally get it. My (ex) H was the same. He dudnt think he needed to communicate anything to me. Would go to work for 4 hours and come home 12 hours later. Having been at work for 4 hours and at his parents the rest of the time. No call, text, nothing. Meanwhile I had a 2 Yr old and 6 month old.

Didn't understand at all why I didn't just "get on with my day" well because you said you'd be home by lunch so I kind if expected you would be, and we have 2 babies? Apparently, him not being there or coming back when he said he was, shouldn't have made any difference to me at all. But, when I stopped waiting, and started doing, he didn't like it. When I started getting help, company, support, etc from friends and family. Nope, he didn't like it.

@Pinkswans hi lovely, having stumbled across this post I just wanted to say: I have felt very similarly to you, and my heart goes out to you. I don’t know if this is just me projecting, because it’s what was going on for me when my baby was a similar age, but I wondered if you’d thought about whether or not you may have post natal depression? I don’t say that to make it seem like it’s all on you - I think it sounds like there’s all kinds of complicated things happening - I just know that when I didn’t enjoy being around my baby and felt trapped and resentful of my husband’s lesser load - it escalated and turned out I wasn’t well. Once I was given treatment for post natal depression things started to look very different - my husband did still need to take on more and be more considerate, but also I had been feeling more strongly about it because of how I was feeling generally. I also started to feel differently about being alone with my baby - instead of just dreading it. I’m not trying to diagnose I just wanted to say; maybe consider it, as if it is that things can be easily helped and also, it’s a really tough thing to spot when you’re the one in the thick of it. Hope this comes across as intended - helpful and out of concern and empathy xx

I can't understand why posters are saying the OP is controlling.

If my DH goes out and is delayed and won't be back when I expect, he texts me.

Likewise I do the same with him.

It's common sense to let your partner know where you are in case of an emergency for instance.

NOTHING to do with being controlling.

It's being an ADULT and being responsible.

Shock horror, a man takes his child to the park rather than force him to stay indoors while his parents snipe at each other and spend their time doing boring domestic chores rather than do anything fun. Let's divorce him for unreasonable behaviour.