Horrible row with DH, and I don’t know how to move forwards.

[Pinkswans]

DH and I have a three year old and a six month old. The six month old is going through a challenging sort of period where she seems desperate to be on the move but isn’t quite there yet - lots of hair grabbing and grabbing skin on your neck and twisting and squirming. It isn’t her fault but in all honesty spending time with her isn’t particularly enjoyable. The three year old is easier in many ways but is sidelined because the baby is so demanding and he reacts to this.

I have been struggling with DH lately because things feel a bit chaotic. The house is a mess, it feels like we’re treading water.

So to give some context here, we were looking through some photos the other day and I saw a scarf I was wearing and said something like ‘wonder what happened to that.’ DH said it was under the stairs and I said pretty jovially that if he found it he’d get some brownie points. He then completely emptied under the stairs, bringing me the most random stuff - he found the scarf but there are now eleven bags of crap in the corner of the hall. We also unearthed DS’s old pushchair which he doesn’t go in now. This morning, DS was in a silly mood so I suggested he go with DH to put the pushchair in the garage (DH rents a garage in the village) it should have been a ten minute trip at most. Forty five minutes go by and meanwhile I’m dealing with a fussy, irritable baby and I get a photo from DH - he was on the park with DS.

it isn’t that I have an issue with them going to the park: of course I don’t. But what really upset me was the way it’s just assumed he can do what he wants when he wants. We’ve had weeks of this and I got really upset. I feel we aren’t parenting as a team at all, if I try to talk to him about a worry or issue with one of the children he gives me the brush off, anything ‘important’ like potty training and weaning are left to me (and both are going badly!)

The problem is I don’t know how to address it. When I try to talk to him he just gets defensive so how?

@Pinkswans

I hadn't read through all of your posts before I said that. I think you're at your breaking point and you need to figure out a new normal going forward. I have a 6 month old as well. It's so hard at that age.

I think you overrated to the park situation which your husband probably can't understand. You need to make him see that it's a culmination of events and that you absolutely must have some time to rest and be alone.

OP I know you say you're not depressed but I think you maybe are. That said you are in a hard depressing situation and I recognise it as my DD was very similar for quite some time. I was similarly thin-skinned as you are - the smallest things are horrendous because you're so on the edge all the time you just can't manage another second of more problems. And everyone else says 'oh dear' and then changes the subject which makes you wonder how they can be so completely oblivious to the fact that you're drowning and they're just standing by and watching.

Go on a day away yourself and do something you want - tell DH it's happening and go. Prepare in advance all the stuff you think DH will need if it will give you peace of mind but tell him you're going and go. Both of my DC are EBF but I felt immeasurably better after a few hours away and they managed being bottle or cup fed. I was home alone with my baby and toddler for a few weeks when he was still a newborn, I managed to get some cover for the baby for a spa day and honestly it was transformational.

Sit DH down and tell him in the strongest possible terms you cannot cope any more and you don't know what will happen if he doesn't start mucking in. The very least he can do is get DS dressed and take DD so you can play with DS. Tell him you shouldn't have to ask, that's his basic job as a parent.

Good luck.

I can cope. I may not be particularly enjoying coping, but I can cope. I don’t want a day away. A nights sleep yes but I don’t want a day away

Oh yes the long toilet trip trick. My H used to do that too - if we were out I'd suggest he used the public toilet before we got home as I wasn't prepared to sort the shopping and DS all by myself which he disappeared to the loo. He didn't like it but it was the only way to get him to not run away when the shot jobs needed doing!

Having young children is really the hardest job in the world. Your post reminded me so much of how it was when my dc were young & my dh would disappear doing ‘little’ jobs.
If you can try and communicate how you feel when you’re not upset (easier said than done), hopefully he will acknowledge what you’re saying and you’ll feel more like you’re on the same team.

And I can see that as you've just replied focusing on one thing in the negative and ignored other suggestions. Maybe some pnd is at play here? You sound like you've lost any joy, to the extent that you are shunning things that actually might help.

You do sound depressed to me. I've been there, and it's awful.

I’m very tired. DD generally wakes at 1-2 and doesn’t go back down until about 4, and I’m very awake by that point so find it hard to go to sleep.

Op I feel you, your husband sounds intensely irritating!!

What is your DH doing?
Why can't he take her so you can sleep?

Because he doesn’t, does he? And that’s the crux of the problem.

Tomorrow. Get the baby fed and then ask DP to take her out for a walk in a baby carrier as she likes being held at the moment. You and your boy can get out somewhere, fresh air ideally. Your stress is likely being compounded by guilt for the relationship you feel has been damaged by this new dynamic. You need to work as a team as it’ll be so much harder to do on your own so simply say to DH I’m sorry we don’t seem to be understanding each other/communicating very well at the moment but I’d like us to keep trying. It won’t be like this forever.

What would happen if you handed DD to your DH and said that you're exhausted, please look after her?

Go and tell him to take her.
God he so needs his arse kicking
What a selfish pig !

You need to play him at his own game. Don't be sitting around waiting for him to come home, go out yourself and don't be there when he gets back. Have him wondering where you are or what time you might be getting home.

If your DD is waking up at it's twenty past 10 at night, go down to your DH and say that he must look after DD until it's time for him to go to bed (you'll get up again in the middle of the night - keep that bit to yourself) but you simply must get a few hours of sleep and he must look after DD.

Then go to bed, put ear plugs in and an eye mask on and get at least a few hours of sleep.

Probably take her but she’d be so noisy I doubt I’d be able to sleep.

But when someone turns their back on you and says get me if you need anything then I think you know you’re alone. I’m just waiting for her to go to sleep.

I don't think people are misunderstanding. I think, very gently and kindly - that you are overwhelmed and taking it out on the one closest to you.

Your DH did nothing wrong. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that he did the absolute best thing he could - which is to make life easier for the most vulnerable one in the whole situation. I am sure there are a million places he'd rather have been than the park but he was looking out for your little guy.

So there he was thinking he had done the right thing and he is still not getting it right.

This is just a point in time. It will pass. It's a tough time - but does get easier.

It's sad to hear you feel so alone, but I think one of the issues here is that you're hoping he'll just step up and take initiative in the way you need but he isn't proactive. I think the only way things will improve is by literally telling him what you need and then doing whatever is necessary for your own wellbeing (napping/bathing/screaming into the void etc)

The OP is pretty tired, feeling unsupported, and possibly has a bit of PND. I've been there at the 6 months mark with my 3rd DC and feeling exhausted when you get so little respite from it all exacerbates things hugely.

I think you are being too harsh on the OP.

Argh it's so hard when the baby is so attached to you. But you just need to tell him he needs to take her. I've had to do this with my DP multiple times when I've been too exhausted to manage any more. What about if he takes her in the car so she can sleep and you can't hear her? [Though I know for me, exhausted as I am, I often can't sleep for worrying about how the baby is getting on!]

You know - I think I will leave the thread. Thanks for supportive comments but honestly that last one from @Vinrouge4 has really upset me.

I wish I could be stronger for my children but I’ve barely slept. I’m doing my absolute best and I am sat up with her holding her, comforting her and hopefully she knows I am with her even though she obviously can’t settle. She’s going through a difficult patch and I don’t know why but it doesn’t mean I’m complaining about her personally. It’s just hard to deal with.

If isn’t healthy todwell though and I do think there’s a lot of toxic comments here and on MN generally. It isn’t a good place so I’m going to delete my account. I hope MN delete the thread but I suspect not.

Oh OP I have been there and I see you. He unilaterally elected to take more pleasurable experience - older child to the park rather than stay at home with baby. I used to get like this at weekends after we had our second. My husband would take our three year old out to classes and meet friends and would make these plans with no reference to me - it was simply assumed I'd want to be at home with baby, even though it was hard and I'd been desperately lonely all week and looking forward to family time. I actually do feel that your DH is being selfish, because time is precious at the weekends and you ought to be entitled to look forward to help and family time. It needs to be structured when they are little, not just someone deciding for themselves.