Horrible row with DH, and I don’t know how to move forwards.

[Pinkswans]

DH and I have a three year old and a six month old. The six month old is going through a challenging sort of period where she seems desperate to be on the move but isn’t quite there yet - lots of hair grabbing and grabbing skin on your neck and twisting and squirming. It isn’t her fault but in all honesty spending time with her isn’t particularly enjoyable. The three year old is easier in many ways but is sidelined because the baby is so demanding and he reacts to this.

I have been struggling with DH lately because things feel a bit chaotic. The house is a mess, it feels like we’re treading water.

So to give some context here, we were looking through some photos the other day and I saw a scarf I was wearing and said something like ‘wonder what happened to that.’ DH said it was under the stairs and I said pretty jovially that if he found it he’d get some brownie points. He then completely emptied under the stairs, bringing me the most random stuff - he found the scarf but there are now eleven bags of crap in the corner of the hall. We also unearthed DS’s old pushchair which he doesn’t go in now. This morning, DS was in a silly mood so I suggested he go with DH to put the pushchair in the garage (DH rents a garage in the village) it should have been a ten minute trip at most. Forty five minutes go by and meanwhile I’m dealing with a fussy, irritable baby and I get a photo from DH - he was on the park with DS.

it isn’t that I have an issue with them going to the park: of course I don’t. But what really upset me was the way it’s just assumed he can do what he wants when he wants. We’ve had weeks of this and I got really upset. I feel we aren’t parenting as a team at all, if I try to talk to him about a worry or issue with one of the children he gives me the brush off, anything ‘important’ like potty training and weaning are left to me (and both are going badly!)

The problem is I don’t know how to address it. When I try to talk to him he just gets defensive so how?

You are very much not being unreasonable. Let’s start with baby steps- that pile of crap in the hallway would have me in tears. ‘Dh, thank you for finding my scarf but all those bags in the hallway make me want to burst into tears. I can’t tidy those with two small children, I can’t even parent two small children at once right now. If you disagree you are welcome to try. If they stay here ds will scatter it all over the house, at which point baby and I are going to a hotel until you and ds have cleaned it all up.
now, next weekend. I am taking ds out to spend some time with him. You will stay with baby. And do a load of washing or similar, I will leave a list.
calm, assertive, follow through. Take your needs. I wish I’d been better at that when my dc were teeny. Dh would have been shocked at what I was thinking. Except what I did tell him, which is that I wanted to strangle him, and I meant it. He never ever helped at nights and baby never slept so I was a sleep deprived barely functioning mess. He deserved it.

Oh god I’ve been in this position recently. 2nd baby is 14 months now so slightly easier but doesn’t sleep. My partner gets to get up in the morning and get dressed alone with no one pulling at his legs, he goes to work, eats lunch on his own, toilets on his own…. Then he used to go and do the shopping on his own on the way back from work whilst I had baby and then 6 year old. Baby was so fussy with terrible reflux allergies….

I was pissed, I wanted to do the shopping if it meant me going alone. Even together as I was stuck in with a baby crying 15 hours a day and in a sling because of the reflux. They don’t really understand what it feels like. When he looked after the 2 the house was a shit pit that I ended up having to clean. Still is now when I get back from the one shift I do at work. I’m supposed to be happy they are all alive but I manage to look after them and not have the house a mess when he returns. It’s hard on them also as when they get back from work they walk in to a stressed out partner, it’s no fun for anyone in those early days really.

My partner also leaves a mess everywhere and says don’t tidy it I’ll do it another day. It’s not possible to leave it with 2 small children so really you end up doing it. I do try and remember why I loved him and try not to loose it all in this haze of small children and sleep deprivation. I’m not great to be around either at times. Tiredness makes small things feels so big. I don’t think they are doing it on purpose. Now I say right Im off out they are your problem, he usually ends up at his parents house and that’s fine with me as their house gets destroyed by the children!’n

I am in bed but she keeps waking up. Sorry - I honestly don’t wish to sound excessively grumpy but it’s very frustrating being told what to do. I will come off MN when I wish to come off MN and I will go to sleep when DD stops waking up.

I think you have every right to be annoyed. The bar is SO so low for dads, it's incredible. I know exactly how you feel. Please ignore everyone saying you are lashing out, controlling etc. You are absolutely definitely not. It sounds like you are very tolerant, and he is selfish and entitled. Don't put up with being the default parent, it only gets worse. I also know what it's like to have children that age, it's tough and made worse when your partner cherry picks the easy bits. It's so unfair. He does not deserve a medal. You do. Well done for everything you do for your kids.

What??! He wasn’t exactly doing as he wished. He was with one child while you were with the other. You say your DS can struggle with lack of attention due to the baby, your DH was doing something to help resolve that. Your feelings towards your baby seem a bit odd to be honest, have you let on to him how much you are struggling at being alone with baby?

Haha I used to love that comment of sleep when they sleep… lovely and when might that be?????? Shall I lay on the floor outside on the pavement whilst walking or whilst driving the car because that’s the only time mine would. It’s bloody hard to sleep
with a fussy baby bolt upright all day and night in a sling. I think some people’s understanding of fussy is different to others. I had a terrible terrible 8 or so months with my second, it was pure hell.

How much of the thread (if any) have you read?

It’s not even ten o clock and I’m on my sixth wake up.

Do the same to him and fuck off out with the older child without telling him a few times. He’ll soon want to talk about it then

Sounds like teething to me.
What is DH doing?
Tell him he's doing the next few !

Have you tried a playpen filled with toys to grab at and chew at. I found mine invaluable. Can have a shower, do housework or just chill for a bit. My DS loved it. Bouncy seats and walkers- or any seats, might look fun to adults, but are a bit crap in practice. Playpen gives safe freedom to move and let's you get on with whatever you need to do.

Probably is teething. And wanting to be more independent than she is .

I do get it op - H was like this as well. It's a key reason why I only have 1 DS.

He'd go out to do his dad a favour and be out hours. Or he'd say he was working (he had a side hustle then) but he'd often then just do something he wanted to do.

I was the default parent and he swanned in and out as he fancied. But he's lost out. He doesn't have the relationship I do with DS. And interestingly when me and DS reminisce about stuff we did when he was young, DS normally talks about days out when he were with other people. As H very often didn't come.

I'd suggest talking to him. It didn't work with mine but it might with yours!

OP I 100% get what you're saying and have lived it. My kids are adults now and a lot of what you wrote was quite triggering actually, I'd forgotten how awful it was! People won't understand if they haven't experienced it.

All I can really say is - hang in there and do what you can to get through this tough patch with the baby. Keep on telling DH what you need from him, even if he's not listening. As you've found out in this thread, it's a difficult problem to articulate and easily misinterpreted. How he reacts to this 'critique' will be very telling.

In time, it'll become clear whether this was just a really horrible phase for both of you or whether there are more serious cracks in the marriage. (For me it was the latter.)

Wishing you the best

Also a playpen leaves you time to concentrate on your DS's potty training, which is a tad behind if over 3 and not there yet.

Oh, and PLEASE leave those 11 bags for him to deal with. Even if seeing them sitting there is driving you mad... deep breaths, not your problem!

It’s not behind, my nephew was 5 before he had it sorted and he’s 11 and the most clever boy I know of. Playpen was a no no for mine just wanted to be held all the time. A sling worked but broke my back. It’s just hard and it’s hard for many. You can only do your best, don’t let the fear take over, try and make a joke of the shit times because they don’t last forever.

@Pinkswans I feel for you 💐I think people quickly forget or don't understand if they haven't had a baby going through a very fussy, difficult time. It is all-consuming and relentless, and you just want to be given a break from it to replenish your own empty cup every now and again. When you're the primary caregiver, you do feel as though you're trapped and the weight of it all falls on your shoulders. You also get fed up of having to be explicit in asking for help from the other adult in the family.
I've been there before with my partner a number of times since having kids but I don't really have any advice. Everything always feels much better again once you've got through the tricky period with the baby. If I knew how to fix the relationship issues along the way then I'd have sorted mine too! Just know that you're not alone and many of us do remember how it feels, or still are in the thick of it with you.

@Pinkswans

I'd be glad that my older child got some one on one that you said yourself they needed. Why didn't you just join them at the park instead of sitting home feeling like a martyr.

Lots of people reading this and thinking of their own situations and think I wouldn't mind if my DH took my kid to the park. But OP is barely coping and that's a totally different context. OP start saying no and being really specific about what you want. He shouldn't be going for drinks when you're really struggling. You're not saying never your just saying not now. Say no. Baby won't be this young or difficult forever and then he can do the drinks. Also think about what you need. It sounds like maybe a break from the baby for an hour a day so ask him.for it. Maybe a nap too? Ask him. I think you might find he steps up. He thought you wanted the scarf so he got that for you after all. Be really specific he's not reading between the lines. Don't forget to tell him how much your struggling. Equally if you have anyone who can babysit it sounds like nows a good time to get that organised. You sound sleep deprived and burning out. Tell him and anyone else who can help that

What a bastard. He is probably having an affair. Time to dump and move in. You deserve so much better than this.

I didn’t know where they were.

@Pinkswans it sounds like you're in a situation where you're frequently reaching the limits of what you feel you can cope with, and you and your DH are struggling to communicate effectively so it's hard to make improvements or help each other.

Small children are frequently exhausting, and that "I want to get moving but physically can't" stage is sooo hard. I don't think it's unreasonable to have an agreement that both parents get opportunities to have a break or a rest at times. Babies rely on us for so much and of course we prioritise their immediate needs, but remember that they also need their caregivers to be functional. If that means they get 10 minutes in a bouncy chair while you wash your hair or eat or even just sit quietly without anyone touching you, then so be it.

The cupboard-emptying would really annoy me. I can see that your DH may have thought it was a nice thing to get your scarf, but it doesn't take much cognitive functioning to go "oh, I'm making a bit of a mess here, I'll need to put all of this back". In the process of the small nice thing, he created a whole new task to be done by you.

I wouldn't mind DH doing an impromptu park visit, but in the context of your exhaustion, difficult family dynamics and communication issues, I can understand why it might have been upsetting and further underlining that your DH and DS get to have fun together but you and DD just seem to get to be miserable and stressed.

You could try having a family schedule that includes 1:1 parent:child time for both children (you and DS need nice happy fun times too), 1:1 time for you and DH, and 1:0 time where you/DH can have a break. And I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for a quick text of "oh, we're going to the park for a little bit" so you know where they are - an invitation to join them might have been nice too if you don't get to spend much time out and about as a family.

DH-wise, he is an issue in a general sense. I think you got a lot of flack as the park situation was not a good example, and while it doesn't seem bad on its own, if its off the back of disappearing often, just to do his own thing, then I can see its a straw that broke the cammels back.
Have a proper sit down and tell him straight how you need better coms from him. Is suspect to him its an individual nag at the time, each time he does it, which has started to wash over him.
So pick a calm time when it hasn't just happened and tell him that if he doesn't keep you in the loop your relationship will suffer and go downhill, and you will resent him.
As part of that discussion plan yourself some evenings out with mates while he looks after his DC's. It's only fair to the turns if you don't have family support so you can go out together.

I won’t be going out any time soon, if I did have an evening of peace I would prioritise sleep.

Life does feel a bit bleak just at the moment.