Horrible row with DH, and I don’t know how to move forwards.

[Pinkswans]

DH and I have a three year old and a six month old. The six month old is going through a challenging sort of period where she seems desperate to be on the move but isn’t quite there yet - lots of hair grabbing and grabbing skin on your neck and twisting and squirming. It isn’t her fault but in all honesty spending time with her isn’t particularly enjoyable. The three year old is easier in many ways but is sidelined because the baby is so demanding and he reacts to this.

I have been struggling with DH lately because things feel a bit chaotic. The house is a mess, it feels like we’re treading water.

So to give some context here, we were looking through some photos the other day and I saw a scarf I was wearing and said something like ‘wonder what happened to that.’ DH said it was under the stairs and I said pretty jovially that if he found it he’d get some brownie points. He then completely emptied under the stairs, bringing me the most random stuff - he found the scarf but there are now eleven bags of crap in the corner of the hall. We also unearthed DS’s old pushchair which he doesn’t go in now. This morning, DS was in a silly mood so I suggested he go with DH to put the pushchair in the garage (DH rents a garage in the village) it should have been a ten minute trip at most. Forty five minutes go by and meanwhile I’m dealing with a fussy, irritable baby and I get a photo from DH - he was on the park with DS.

it isn’t that I have an issue with them going to the park: of course I don’t. But what really upset me was the way it’s just assumed he can do what he wants when he wants. We’ve had weeks of this and I got really upset. I feel we aren’t parenting as a team at all, if I try to talk to him about a worry or issue with one of the children he gives me the brush off, anything ‘important’ like potty training and weaning are left to me (and both are going badly!)

The problem is I don’t know how to address it. When I try to talk to him he just gets defensive so how?

@Pinkswans
You sound absolutely worn out, you have my sympathies.

My DC2 had terrible sleep from 6 months on. He was a lovely smiley thing, but also incredibly stubborn and would scream and claw and nip. DC1 was lovely and easy in comparison so if my parents wanted to "help" they would take DC1 out and leave me with the screaming baby. I had to take DC2 to weekly hospital appointments that made me feel restricted and trapped.

DH claimed to help but he always took DC1 out but never told me how long for or if he would feed them, invariably didn't so when he appeared back from nip out to the shop that took 3 hours and a trip to the park, DC1 was ravenous, I was frustrated and annoyed at being stuck with DC2 and none of the housework DH said he would do being done. DH would say it was unfair if he had to spend his weekend doing chores or he was too tired to get up with the baby. Oh, poor him. It made me full of rage because where was my choice? If he buggered off, it took away my choices.

It is BORING and frustrating and tiring and relentless having to wrestle an unsettled and annoyed and upset baby when someone else gets to flit off and do fun things.

I ended up telling DH he had to actually take both kids out. And let me spend time with DC1, and that him choosing not to put the bins out or tidy up after himself, meant he was choosing me to do it instead.

No idea if this is helpful @Pinkswans but I sympathise.

Well, I was holding DD for ages and posting then.

Then they were in the bath and I was with them.

Then I was lying with DD while she went to sleep.

Now they are asleep. Thank goodness

@Hiddendoor yes, I hear all that!

Hmm…..I have 2 under now (have done for a year as they’re 12 months apart). There’s tough times and reasons to blame your husband for making things harder at times I’m sure….but essentially what I’m taking from your post is that he’s not horrendous. He’s not absent. He’s obviously finding things hard too. Don’t get me wrong I’ve shouted at my husband many many times the last year for not stepping up and leaving the place like a bombsite when I tried to get some rest, but not to the point I’d get on here and actually argue with other people to persuade them he was an awful partner and dad, despite them thinking otherwise. It’s extreme and I’m just making the point that he’s probably struggling too but he is being a parent and your take on things is so much and so focused on you so it seems. I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time I truly am - I’m no stranger to being a breaking point, but you wanted other peoples input so here it is.

I’m not trying to do that at all. I’m asking how to actually approach it given he won’t listen when I try to talk to him about it.

I think you need to stop saying no problem.

You said it a lot in your posts about stuff that you clearly did think was a problem. Then sounds like you snapped over not very big stuff, when it was presumably a whole raft of stuff you’d gritted your teeth for that made you snap.

If I take one kid on an errand and stop to play for a bit that’s not me vanishing or leaving my husband stranded, waiting or in limbo. There’s obviously a lot more
to this than this event.

What have you got for DD to go in that she can move about in?

I had a door bouncer and an activity station, which was like a baby walker but no wheels.

I can see how you feel, OP, and I think many posters here are being deliberately obtuse because they love a disagreement or halfwits, quite frankly.

It sounds as if you’ve had 6 months of parenting in parallel and not together, only on your side you have been allocated the parts of parenting that tether you – tether you to a routine, to being ‘bad cop’, to manager of the chores, to the sickness and screaming and sleeplessness. Your DH on the other hand experiences freedom in his parenting (which sounds cherry picked), performing jobs that create more work for you, being absent when you need him most, and having the more independent, fun child. Your DH is free from routine and the consequences of mess, sleep deprivation and having to be the one that keeps all the plates spinning.

I get it.

Everything 😂 Seriously, she has a Bjorn bouncy chair, a moving chair that plays music, a little Bumbo with an activity tray. She tends to tolerate them all for about five minutes then just cries.

@Didimum thanks. I do want to move forward but hard knowing how to.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. In all honesty I really didn't get it when I read your first post, but your subsequent posts give the full picture and I do understand now. All you want is to be a team and get through the hard times together, taking it in turns for the shit stuff and the good stuff.

I remember a time when I had a 2yo and 3yo at home (it was our first week of fostering them) and they were both screaming. DH texted to say he was going to be 5 minutes later home and my response was, "Are you fucking joking?". 5 more minutes of trying to deal with this by myself seemed so unbearable and overwhelming. And I had the advantage of having been told and knowing how long it was going to be, which you didn't.

Hopefully a good conversation with your DH to help him understand how you feel and what you need will help.

One thing I did was put clawy, nippy baby in a sling facing outward.
If grizzly, radio on and a bit of dancing.
That way I could move around but she couldn't nip me.

I'm afraid I just couldn't tolerate being clawed at, if BF I put mittens on her

Ps is she teething?
Mine were complete miseries
I always think of this as teething baby emoji !

Haha my oldest does this on a daily basis. No matter how much I do with him I always get told he prefers DH. Worst is during school pick ups infront of teachers. kids will be kids and to be honest maybe we should be glad they can articulate who they prefer even if it is at the expense of being hurt. It won't always be like this.

This sounds like you are both tired and ratty. The ages of DCs are super demanding and I remember this exact age gap vividly. Micro arguments, exhaustion, poor communication really are a part of small children. Stop at 2 kids, OP, I promise in 2 years it will be so much easier.

You and DH able to get a date night? Are you comfortable discussing how frazzled you are with him so he can understand better?

I think so but it feels like she’s been teething forever (and still no teeth!)

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but YABVU.

i remember this stage when the kids were very young- it’s hell on earth. You are exhausted, over wrought and emotional and are likely to lose your shit over the slightest thing.

it’s not your fault. And it’s not your DH’s fault here. I’m the first to criticise men for being dicks, but this is not dickhead or selfish behaviour.

I think what you really need is a solid 8 hours sleep. I know it’s hard now, but it will get better

Not read the entire thread OP but I get it. I have a DH who shows up for the fun part of parenting and yet often has “essential” jobs that need to be done in between activities. For example, we were heading to the zoo this morning at 10. DH had to nip out apparently to drop his van off at the garage, promised would be 10 minutes tops but ended up being out for nearly 2 hours (visiting his friend nearby) and getting home at 9.45 am. He sees nothing wrong with it because he was home ready to go out for a family day to the zoo and seems to be oblivious to the fact that I am not showered and hot and sweaty from wrangling the 9 month old and the 2 year old on my own - doing breakfast, tidying their toys, making sure they had clothes to wear, packing their bag, getting the pram in the car etc against a background noise of screaming. He turns up fresh as a daisy and ready to be “fun dad at the zoo” and I can’t help how resentful I feel sometimes even though he’s not really done anything wrong.

Also, my 2 year old pushed me away with rage and shouted for daddy when I tried to play with him earlier and it upset me way more than I’d admit to anyone else.

You can’t wash your hair yet you can post on Mumsnet every 5 mins for 3 hours 😵‍💫

@Nosleepforthismum I’d have wanted to murder him. That does sound like something DH would do!

It’s a bit difficult to wash my hair with a baby on one arm, or when they’re in the bath, or when I’m getting one to sleep. Come on - you know there’s a difference in what you can do with a phone with one hand and actually anything else. (And I’m not washing my hair now because I don’t want to wake them up!)

At six months she will have outgrown most of those for entertainment value. How about a jumparoo style toy?

op have you tried one of these? A jumperoo https://www.argos.co.uk/product/2726306?storeID=667&istCompanyId=a74d8886-5df9-4baa-b776-166b3bf9111c&istFeedId=30f62ea9-9626-4cac-97c8-9ff3921f8558&istItemId=rlarxqmla&istBid=t&&cmpid=GS001&_$ja=tsid:59157%7Cacid:629-618-1342%7Ccid:20378155429%7Cagid:%7Ctid:%7Ccrid:%7Cnw:x%7Crnd:17013607527635193830%7Cdvc:m%7Cadp:%7Cmt:%7Cloc:1007265&utm_source=Google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=20378155429&utm_term=2726306&utm_content=shopping&utm_custom1=&utm_custom2=629-618-1342&GPDP=true&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAD9II9kSdmBwKH5iz5CRZ5xzNVqSD&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI9bmd6YqQhAMVPZVQBh2XigBsEAQYGSABEgIyyPD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

I think sometimes you need to ask for help with the baby outright (apologies if I’ve missed a post!). Many of mine and my OH’s arguments are because I assume it should be obvious I don’t always want to be left holding the unsettled baby, and he thinks if I wanted help I’d ask for it, and I think I shouldn’t have to ask, and he…well you get the picture!
This sort of seems like the final straw, like he gets to go out for drinks/to the park etc and you’re just stuck. It doesn’t need to be an argument, you just need to tell him what you want him to do e.g please can you take the baby so I can take DS to the park, I’m completely worn out. Maybe you think you shouldn’t have to, but equally he’s not a mind reader - I know my OH doesn’t realise because I don’t like to make a fuss!
This resentment is verrrrry common in the early days/weeks/months even when it’s baby #2 (in fact I’ve found it worse this time round - DD1 is 2.5 and DD2 is 3 months), but if you communicate openly it will eventually get easier. Don’t just hold the resentment then let it boil over into an argument.

I think you are taking it way too literally. I don't know if it's a 'thing' here but the HV said it to me 25 years ago so it's not new.

You could have let it go, and responded to the rest of my post. It was meant kindly.

Nah, I'm too long in the tooth to be offended by something some random person says online. I was merely a tad taken aback by your reaction to a perfectly innocent, well-meaning post.

Maybe time for you to get off MN and talk to your husband?

I 100% understand OP. I have children the same age as yours and my youngest is going through a phase of wanting to be in our arms, yet when he is he pulls our hair and digs his nails in. Us not enjoying this does not mean we haven't bonded with him or that we don't love him. He's my whole world but I am so touched out by him sometimes you need your DH's support to stop you going mad. During these difficult phases you need to tag team so I 100% am with you in your frustrations.

My DH's mindset towards his free time has not changed much since we had children and I'm often left feeling like a babysitter when he goes off to do something. It's not about him not being allowed to do things, he absolutely should have time to himself (as should the mum!). It's the absence of forward planning at the detriment to the family unit that got to me. I did have quite a stern discussion about the fact that they are his children just as much as mine and that parenting is equal and he can't just up and go to the gym whenever he fancies anymore. I explained how it made me feel lesser in the marriage and that his time was worth more than mine. I asked him how it would make him feel if I just upped and disappeared and left him with the kids multiple times a week. He got it and things are much better now.

Hope that helps. I didn't want to read and run when your post could have been written by me.