Horrible row with DH, and I don’t know how to move forwards.

[Pinkswans]

DH and I have a three year old and a six month old. The six month old is going through a challenging sort of period where she seems desperate to be on the move but isn’t quite there yet - lots of hair grabbing and grabbing skin on your neck and twisting and squirming. It isn’t her fault but in all honesty spending time with her isn’t particularly enjoyable. The three year old is easier in many ways but is sidelined because the baby is so demanding and he reacts to this.

I have been struggling with DH lately because things feel a bit chaotic. The house is a mess, it feels like we’re treading water.

So to give some context here, we were looking through some photos the other day and I saw a scarf I was wearing and said something like ‘wonder what happened to that.’ DH said it was under the stairs and I said pretty jovially that if he found it he’d get some brownie points. He then completely emptied under the stairs, bringing me the most random stuff - he found the scarf but there are now eleven bags of crap in the corner of the hall. We also unearthed DS’s old pushchair which he doesn’t go in now. This morning, DS was in a silly mood so I suggested he go with DH to put the pushchair in the garage (DH rents a garage in the village) it should have been a ten minute trip at most. Forty five minutes go by and meanwhile I’m dealing with a fussy, irritable baby and I get a photo from DH - he was on the park with DS.

it isn’t that I have an issue with them going to the park: of course I don’t. But what really upset me was the way it’s just assumed he can do what he wants when he wants. We’ve had weeks of this and I got really upset. I feel we aren’t parenting as a team at all, if I try to talk to him about a worry or issue with one of the children he gives me the brush off, anything ‘important’ like potty training and weaning are left to me (and both are going badly!)

The problem is I don’t know how to address it. When I try to talk to him he just gets defensive so how?

@OgdensGoneNutFlake can you not understand this if my point? I can’t leave her with her father if her father went on a ten minute trip an hour ago, or vanished to south wales or somewhere can I?

Thanks to others, it’s been a difficult day compounded by the fact it should be getting easier but is getting harder.

I had this with my youngest at 6 months. Turned out he wasn't getting enough milk from me. Moved him straight to bottle and he was fine after that. Could it be that?

Oh OP I hear you. We only have one, but the tyranny of the relentless breastfeeding and settling … and feeling like I’m the default parent and he can go off when he feels like it, has lead to a lot of resentment and tears (mine).
I’m not quite sure why you’ve had such rough responses on here. Sure, some people wouldn’t find it so hard. Some people wouldn’t mind, are most spontaneous, whatever. But you are minding and you are having a hard time of it currently, and you don’t feel like your DH is being a team with you, which makes it feel worse.

its not personality difference, it’s mum/dad difference.
you really think she could just leave breastfed baby with DH and walk out for couple of hours without ensuring that everything is sorted?

I’m really sorry you feel like this op. I’ll be honest it really sounds like you could have a touch of post natal depression. Can you speak about how you are feeling to your gp. Some of your feelings are really not normal but it sounds like you’re at breaking point. Can you arrange to meet a friend for a few hours and leave your husband with the kids so you can get a break. Don’t ask him just tell him you need a break and he’s on dad duty!

PS as to when will you get a break: honestly for me it was when he started nursery. Before that, it got easier when he started eating more solids /less boob so I could leave him with grandparents for a couple of hours.

You just sound exhausted and like you need some help. Both of you need some time to recharge. Your DH is getting that and you are not. I think your assumption is that in the current situation if your DH took on more you would both be fine. It sounds to me like you would just have two exhausted people. Do you think you could get a bit of help or agree & schedule some you time?

I think you overreacted and should probably apologise. In this particular situation, it’s unreasonable for you to be upset, because you have acknowledge your baby is difficult and potentially your son isn’t getting the amount of attention you would want. so in this specific occasion, it’s not unreasonable for them to have gone to the park with or without turning you because they both probably needed a break. I 100% agree light sounds like you need one too, so the next time you want to hang out with your son, give him the baby and go.

Personally, I don’t care where DP is as long as he checks in so I know he’s alive, he does his bit and I get my time.

I really don’t think I have depression and even if I did I won’t take pills and I don’t like counselling so there’s not much that can be done!

I am in a particularly trying phase with DD. She is better out of the house but I can’t be out all of the time with her, and it means I really struggle to get anything done.

Oh fgs now you are being unreasonable! It's only a silly metaphor and I personally found it helpful when I had my 2nd and 3rd to understand the enormity of having a sibling is for a young child.

You're easily offended. And you don't know much about young children either.

Apologies for trying to help! Seems that some of the other posters have in fact got it right.

It is a personality difference in that some people like to be updated on small changes, and other people don't care.

You can see that in the reaction to the dad and son going to the park. Some posters would have liked a text, others didn't care.

And remember its not like they left without any communication, she knew they were out together.

There are always cases where there will be more coordination required, most people would have been put out if he'd taken the preschooler out for the weekend. And with a bf baby, there will often need to be a little more communication.

But that wasn't what happened here. The OP seems like she might prefer updates about small changes, there is no reason the husband would know this though unless she tells him.

You say I’m easily offended but I think you’ve taken far more offence than I have.

I don’t like it. I certainly haven’t only seen it from yourself: as I’ve said it is a bit of a ‘thing’ on here just at the moment.

I don’t think it’s helpful personally because adultery isn’t something you get over. If your husband or partner cheats on you then it’s clothed in secrecy and lies, it’s damaged trust, it’s broken vows. None of those things apply when you have another baby.

The babies are probably picking up on your stress, they’re like little sponges and playing up accordingly.

I don't think your DH sounds like dad if the year at all.

Doesn't get the three year old a drink and breakfast?Piss poor parenting.

Makes a shit tip in the hall and expects you to be grateful? Doing half a job and leaving the rest to you.

Apparently doesn't notice you're clearly exhausted and touched out after six months of being the main settler of your DD. Day and night. With no break. Yet he has the energy to go out for dinner and drinks.

It's bullshit. I'm calling it, he's selfish. One of those who doesn't 'see' mess. Or says "you need to tell me what to do, and I'll do it!" Rather, than taking the initiative to do just do what needs doing.

A man like that will a expect you to shoulder the mental load, until you crack, then acts surprised that you didn't ask for help.

But we are already talking not about thus specific situation but about general “why cant she just get up and go when her husband can”

I'm not getting at you OP.

I do understand that in the immediacy of a moment you can't ask him to help if he's not there, obviously.

I meant can you clearly communicate to him "I am going to have an hour / an afternoon off on Sunday starting at 1pm. You will need to have your children."

My DH is an excellent father and we managed to parent our two at the age yours are now through the whole of lockdown, but it wasn't easy. At times it was fraught and claustrophobic and overwhelming. We managed it by being almost patronisingly clear about time off - we called them "tag outs" and every evening we would earmark our exact tag-out time for the next day. They were like golden nuggets of joy because however shitty and clingy and awful the day was you'd know that for however long at whatever time, you could escape.

I am still surprised at the verbal skills of a 3 year old to ' hurl abuse ' at his mother.

And baby needs to have more bottles so she CAN be given to daddy to feed / hold her / take her out in the pram etc

Lockdown with similarly aged children must have been hideous.

I don’t need, want or expect DH to have the children while I have a break, though. I know it might sound that way but in fact I’d rather have DD for ten minutes, break for ten, have her for twenty, then a break for fifteen, than have three hours away then do another three hour shift. Maybe that makes little sense to some but to me it does.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon you’ve never heard a three year old scream go away? Not you mummy? I don’t want you mummy?

Hey, I’m reading between the lines a bit but it sounds like the issue you describe in your OP is just the tip of the iceberg.

For what it’s worth, if my DH went out for a 10 min job and was still out 45 mins later, I’d be checking in and would be a bit peeved he hadn’t thought to text.

You need to start acting the same - go out for one drink and roll in at 1am, start going to something you enjoy. Act like a man. Maybe it will even things up.

This whole post is nuts. Your husband is muddling along at a difficult doing the best he can. I’d LOVE it if my husband kept the toddler out and amused when I had the baby - no matter how difficult she was. One on one time for both of them is healthy, and if your DD is difficult - some time for you to bond etc.
He’s parenting in a way that benefits the 3 year old, not you - that’s so good.
I don’t know why you’re having a go at everyone who has disagreed with you. If you’re not interested in what people think why on earth did you write the post?
2 kids is bloody hard but it sounds like your husband is doing what he can and you’re just blaming him for not being happy.

This! I can’t understand the disgusting attitude aimed at you. How can you read a post by a struggling mum and go ‘I know, I’ll kick her while she’s down!’

@Pinkswans I think you're going through a very difficult time at the moment, but I also think you're making life a lot harder for yourself than it needs to be.

Rather than picking up the pieces when your husband drops the ball, you need to leave him to sort it out. He took 11 bags out from under the stairs, he needs to put them back. If your DS makes a mess, then that's a natural consequence that your DH has to sort out. But I would say that the situation only arose because you made a big deal over the scarf in the first place.

I think you need to find ways to carve out time for yourself. You mentioned your DD does take a bottle, I'd be insisting on DH doing more bottle feeds if I were in your position. He needs to have more 1:1 time with her to give you space to yourself, and also to give you opportunity to have 1:1 with your DS.

I know you've argued that you didn't have 2 children just to spend time alone with one of them/not spend time as a family unit, but the reality is that kids crave 1:1 time. Your son is pushing boundaries at the moment, but what he's looking for is for you to consistently try to rebuild the relationship not drift away from him. At the moment, it seems he rarely sees you without his DS nearby. You need to show him that you're there for just him too.

I really sympathise with your position and can see your DH isn't putting in as much effort as you are, however I think you're focusing on small issues that he can easily pose as being unreasonable rather than communicating effectively with him and working on a viable plan that will keep you sane!

OK - @Bellatrixxx I don’t think you would, because you’ve skim read the post.

I don’t think you’d like your husband deciding some desperately essential task just simply had to be done at that moment when you were half asleep with a newborn and just wanted a couple of hours.

I don’t think you actually would be left trying to sort the carnage of a house with a crying, irritable baby while wondering where on earth your DH was (the park.)

I don’t think you would like to have eleven (I just counted) bags of crap to sort!

It really isn’t ‘nuts’ to want a bit of a team effort.

It’s a lot easier managing when there are two of you. Even though the adult / child ratios are the same at the moment DD does need a certain amount of sharing out.

@Pinkswans I can't help but notice that you have been posting regularly for nearly two hours. What's been happening with the children in this time?

@CaribouCarafe i didn’t make a big deal about the scarf? I only asked if he’d seen it!