Horrible row with DH, and I don’t know how to move forwards.

[Pinkswans]

DH and I have a three year old and a six month old. The six month old is going through a challenging sort of period where she seems desperate to be on the move but isn’t quite there yet - lots of hair grabbing and grabbing skin on your neck and twisting and squirming. It isn’t her fault but in all honesty spending time with her isn’t particularly enjoyable. The three year old is easier in many ways but is sidelined because the baby is so demanding and he reacts to this.

I have been struggling with DH lately because things feel a bit chaotic. The house is a mess, it feels like we’re treading water.

So to give some context here, we were looking through some photos the other day and I saw a scarf I was wearing and said something like ‘wonder what happened to that.’ DH said it was under the stairs and I said pretty jovially that if he found it he’d get some brownie points. He then completely emptied under the stairs, bringing me the most random stuff - he found the scarf but there are now eleven bags of crap in the corner of the hall. We also unearthed DS’s old pushchair which he doesn’t go in now. This morning, DS was in a silly mood so I suggested he go with DH to put the pushchair in the garage (DH rents a garage in the village) it should have been a ten minute trip at most. Forty five minutes go by and meanwhile I’m dealing with a fussy, irritable baby and I get a photo from DH - he was on the park with DS.

it isn’t that I have an issue with them going to the park: of course I don’t. But what really upset me was the way it’s just assumed he can do what he wants when he wants. We’ve had weeks of this and I got really upset. I feel we aren’t parenting as a team at all, if I try to talk to him about a worry or issue with one of the children he gives me the brush off, anything ‘important’ like potty training and weaning are left to me (and both are going badly!)

The problem is I don’t know how to address it. When I try to talk to him he just gets defensive so how?

"He can disappear but she can't"

How do you arrive at that conclusion? I'm assuming OP could take one of both children out when she wants too. Is there a reason she couldn't?

I always update my partner

I'm sure he loves her. My point was the dad may think it's more helpful to give her a break from the difficult pre-schooler.

She's also said that she's breastfeeding, and sometimes dads can feel like they aren't as useful with a breastfed baby, they can only manage for so long. I don't know if that's relevant in this case but with a fussy bf baby it's a common scenario.

Sometimes they even feel inadequate because they can't seem to offer comfort. It's possible to get over - the dad will find his own ways to soothe the baby - but it takes time to figure it out, and often it is better if the mum leaves. The baby will keep trying to get back to mum if she sees she is there, and it's too tempting for both parents to break down if the baby won't stop fussing and just turn things over to mum. It's hard to stand up against a crying baby.

The main thing is this idea that it should be obvious what she wants. The first third of the thread people weren't sure what the issue was. Then they thought she wanted him to take the baby. Then she said, no, she didn't want that at all. I would be surprised if the father isn't similarly confused. It's always a mistake to think what we want and feel is obvious to others, it's just not how it is.

@adriftinadenofvipers look, I know you want to be lovely and helpful but I have to say I find the comparison of another baby to committing adultery really offensive. It’s a bit of a ‘thing’ on here at the moment and seems to come up on most threads where a mum is struggling with two children and I do find it offensive in the extreme. Please let me be clear: I don’t find you personally offensive, it’s the comparison I don’t like.

Anyway, we are six months in and DD isn’t a newborn. It’s fair to say we did initially struggle as you’d expect really but he genuinely seems to like her now.

Things will come right and it isn’t like me to overreact but this really isn’t ’how dare you go to the park’ it’s simply ‘please treat DD and I as part of the family.’

she could of course take just one but she will 100% communicate beforehand to her partner what she plans to do, where she is going, for how long and whether he is on board looking after the other child during this time.
she wouldn’t just disappear for an hour.

whereas he does not feel the need to do this

OP if it ain't too late I hear you. DH is free and you are not. It's very tough.
DH may be doing his best or he may be coasting, impossible to tell. Maybe he thought the cleanout and the park trip represented him taking some of the load.
But you're exhausted and fed up.
I've NO experience of decent partners sadly but if I had one I'd explain how crap I felt without blaming him.
And find some ways to get yourself some time outs (even 20 mins).
Take a leaf out of his book??
Anyway solidarity from me

YANBU. And you've had some utterly batshit and spectacular point-missing replies on this thread OP.

I have also had a six month old and a three year old and I remember breaking down and crying on the stairs one evening when DH told me he would be half an hour late home from work. I'd had a whole day of holding a squirming, whining baby that didn't want to be put down but would claw and grab at me while I was holding him and I was on my absolute last ragged nerve. It felt so claustrophobic. I just wanted the free use of both my arms back. I remember how sore my neck and chest were from him clawing at it and feeling like if he clawed at me one more time I would go irretrievably insane. It was like I'd been rubbed with sandpaper. The idea that I had to endure it for half an hour longer than I thought I had to was, at the time, completely devastating. Even though I'm sure some posters here would tell me to pull myself together because it's only 30 minutes.

When you have a demanding tiny baby, everything is magnified. DH can just get up and get himself dressed and walk out the door - unimaginable for you. DH can just sit on his arse in the morning with the TV on in the background and not even consider that his child might be hungry for breakfast or that the mess in the kitchen needs sorting - not a luxury you have (also, he is a twat for this). He can go out for drinks and then extend it into dinner, knowing that his children won't be screaming for him at bedtime - no such free pass for you. Imagine just leaving the house without performing intricate logistics first and then just deciding you'll stay out a bit longer!! Maddening.

You're only a couple of years away from getting a bit more of your freedom back. But I understand completely how hopeless you feel when you're in the thick of it.

I can't believe he left 11 bags of crap in the hallway and you're supposed to be grateful for his scarf gesture! I hope he's going to put all that back himself?

Nothing but sympathy from me and all I can say is I hear you.

I understand you op. Your dh is cherry picking the easy bits and leaving you with a screaming baby. As for the posters saying you should be grateful he took his son to the park, Jesus low bar!!! I hate all the ‘my dh was abroad for 3 months at a time and didn’t even phone’ posts too, what, so because your dh was a useless shit, op should put up with anything? RAISE THE BAR!

You sound overwhelmed, tired and unhappy. Please try to talk to dh or leave both dc with him and take a day to yourself.

it does get better x

You are the problem and super-controlling!. Your DH has done nothing wrong

I'd had a whole day of holding a squirming, whining baby that didn't want to be put down but would claw and grab at me while I was holding him and I was on my absolute last ragged nerve. It felt so claustrophobic. I just wanted the free use of both my arms back. I remember how sore my neck and chest were from him clawing at it and feeling like if he clawed at me one more time I would go irretrievably insane. It was like I'd been rubbed with sandpaper. The idea that I had to endure it for half an hour longer than I thought I had to was, at the time, completely devastating. Even though I'm sure some posters here would tell me to pull myself together because it's only 30 minutes.

I will read the rest of your post now but thank you because I’ve started crying (good tears!) as it feels so freeing to have someone who gets it. I really don’t know what’s got into her, she was lovely and easy once and I hope she’ll settle again soon. But just now it’s pretty awful. Will read the rest now 😂

Not she's not. Her DH is shit

This is just a personality difference though, or maybe what they were used to growing up.

There is no right or wrong as such. Couples work both ways, some like to keep closely appraised, others not so much.

The main thing is they get on the same page about this kind of thing. I tend towards not constant updating, but I grew up in an era where you didn't generally know where other people were a lot of the time and there weren't phones.

He isn’t shit but I do feel let down by him today and we need to taken about it calmly. I’m really not controlling in the slightest. DH can do as he wishes. Literally all I want is to be kept in the loop.

Also solidarity OP. Will DH not be told that he needs to bloody well put all that shit away again and take the baby properly, for an hour or two at a time?

I know exactly what you mean about being the default proper parent. It's all optional for DH. I still have it now when they're older - he saunters off with the eldest to do something they both enjoy without checking whether I mind staying in with the other 2. (And before the snippy sisters get here, they're autistic and not very easy to get out, esp together.)

Just fucking lay the law down in simple sentences. He might think he's doing a brilliant job, so just tell him exactly how long and where he's taking the baby.

@Pinkswans

You sound at the end of your tether.

If I've got this right last night your DH went out, came back late so slept on the couch, you did the night feed for DD then your son woke up. It would have been preferable for you dh to see to your son but he didn't initially. Eventually he took over so you could have a little lie in.

You came down to a messy kitchen, a son undressed. I'm going to assume the kitchen wasn't messy when you went to bed. Spoke to your DH about a scarf at which point he emptied the understairs area to find the scarf and leaves the rest of the stuff out. You suggest he takes the pram to the garage, he does that with you son and then disappears for a bit with your son.

I can see why, when you're already struggling with your dd, that all this extra work he's created would do your head in. Sit him down and talk calming with him about it. Point out to him that you need his help not making things harder. He will probably assume he was helping by finding the scan and taking the pram to the garage but left a big mess behind. Hope you can find a solution.

Don't tell me. On the app, saw it in trending, read the opening post, didn't see it was in Relationships?

I get that but thats not the point

I was trying to work out where the communication issue was

Whether they both don't text each other, but the outcome of that is disproportionately affecting the OP, or whether the DH is not communicating as effectively as the OP

What other people do isn't really helpful for determining that, but anyway the thread has moved on massively since then, and the OP has opened up far more about the situation than her first couple of posts since then so my comments at the start of the thread are hardly still relevant now

I think you HAVE pulled the short straw made worse because the baby is fussy and difficult

I think you need to take control of this and carve out me time for yourself whilst DH looks after the kids

Once a week you have a whole day out or a whole evening. Whichever you prefer

Once a month a whole weekend

It's YOUR job to make YOUR life better

@Pinkswans I'm a father of two and I'm surprised that you're getting such a hard time on here. It makes total sense that you would want your DH to communicate and make a plan together to share the hardest bits of parenting,, instead of cherry-picking the easier bits and disappearing off. Almost anyone would find it much easier to take a 3-year-old to the park than deal with a screaming baby. If you can find a sliver of calm time to speak with your DH, do you think he could understand that it needs to be fairer? If you lead by saying that you're finding it really hard? Or will he always deflect?

@Pinkswans I can feel you’re overwhelmed and frustrated, but this too shall pass.

My mom said my youngest sister was like your DD and then my sister’s youngest son was the same way.
The only relief is to enforce space so you can have some downtime.

The ideal for you (if I’ve understood your posts) is that you would like to have family time, all four of you, all together. This is not an ideal situation, however, so that’s unlikely to be the remedy at this time.

My mom said my sister was so clingy, she could sense her from a mile away, so to get a break, she had to hand her over to my dad and leave the house. She said sometimes my sister wouldn’t eat or sleep until she returned, but she had to trust my dad would keep her safe and persevere. It also allowed my mom to reenergise herself and It was the only way to break the cycle.

Until this changes, leaving her with her dad or sending them out together may be the best option for your family. You’ll also get the chance to spend time with your son, who I’m sure doesn’t hate you. He is just reacting to the changes, and it’s good he feels safe in doing so.

You will have many years to spend time together as a foursome once the clinginess is sorted and your DD settles.

Sometimes divide and rule is the best way. You also deserve a break, so let them do things without you and use that time to relax, wash your hair, go for a solo walk or whatever makes you feel better about yourself. Remember you can’t pour from an empty cup.

I think the problem is that you don't like being a mother at the moment, which is nobody's fault

Pal you remind me a bit of myself at the same stage of parenting. I found certain stages really tough as dc2 was much harder work than dc1 ever was. It can be isolating and exhausting. Looking back now I probably did overreact to things that now seem trivial but when you are right in the midst of it these things feel huge.

I think moving forwards you need to be really upfront about what you want. Is it to leave baby with dad and get one some to one with ds? Spend time together? Maybe organise a babysitter so you can go for a meal together and reconnect with no children?

It does get easier, I promise.

I'm sorry you are being given such a hard time op. It really really isn't unfair for you to want to know where your husband is. Surely it is the basic done thing to say, "hey I'm popping out" rather than leaving without a trace and leaving you in the lurch?!

I think some posters on MN will do anything to stick the boot in and be unkind. I feel like I'm on a different planet when I read some of these comments.

Please trust me, you have done nothing wrong. Your husband needs to be there for you and be a more present husband and father. Does he understand how badly you are struggling? From your comments he sounds oblivious. Like his life hasn't changed much but yours is completely upside down. I'm so sorry you are struggling.

OP I’m so sorry you’ve had such a hard time on here. I can see why you’re struggling. Have you got any Mum friends in real life you can chat & vent to? My little gang of Mums & I often talked about this when our kids were very small - how tough it is being the default parent & how lonely it can feel when it feels like your partner’s life has barely changed & yours has. I think having young kids is a tough time in a marriage.

Thanks @TwTwylaSands , this was what I was going to say!