Horrible row with DH, and I don’t know how to move forwards.

[Pinkswans]

DH and I have a three year old and a six month old. The six month old is going through a challenging sort of period where she seems desperate to be on the move but isn’t quite there yet - lots of hair grabbing and grabbing skin on your neck and twisting and squirming. It isn’t her fault but in all honesty spending time with her isn’t particularly enjoyable. The three year old is easier in many ways but is sidelined because the baby is so demanding and he reacts to this.

I have been struggling with DH lately because things feel a bit chaotic. The house is a mess, it feels like we’re treading water.

So to give some context here, we were looking through some photos the other day and I saw a scarf I was wearing and said something like ‘wonder what happened to that.’ DH said it was under the stairs and I said pretty jovially that if he found it he’d get some brownie points. He then completely emptied under the stairs, bringing me the most random stuff - he found the scarf but there are now eleven bags of crap in the corner of the hall. We also unearthed DS’s old pushchair which he doesn’t go in now. This morning, DS was in a silly mood so I suggested he go with DH to put the pushchair in the garage (DH rents a garage in the village) it should have been a ten minute trip at most. Forty five minutes go by and meanwhile I’m dealing with a fussy, irritable baby and I get a photo from DH - he was on the park with DS.

it isn’t that I have an issue with them going to the park: of course I don’t. But what really upset me was the way it’s just assumed he can do what he wants when he wants. We’ve had weeks of this and I got really upset. I feel we aren’t parenting as a team at all, if I try to talk to him about a worry or issue with one of the children he gives me the brush off, anything ‘important’ like potty training and weaning are left to me (and both are going badly!)

The problem is I don’t know how to address it. When I try to talk to him he just gets defensive so how?

I would Hide this thread now if I were you OP. I think it's not helping at this point.

@Pinkswans i can understand your situation perfectly. It does seem like the problem is you're left to do all the actual parenting while DH is there for the fun things. During a time when a parent is up most of the night, doing the feeds, toilet training essentially all the parenting it is easy to lose your shit at anything. So of course when DH isn't communicating if he's going to the park or going to stay out late it will be one of the worst things because in that moment there's too many things that have happened which just creates frustration and makes everything feel shit. I remember this stage with my 2 under 2 it was extremely hard. And regarding my oldest he's going on 4 and still prefers my DH. It hurts me and some days I think should i even bother trying to join in their games because I'm almost invisible.

Posters seriously need to think before they write and how it can effect a parents mental health specially a mother who's postpartum.

@AutumnCrow I totally agree, it's like the whole site has become AIBU. I'm disgusted at the pile on tonight on this thread. OP, I would just step away, you're not awful, hard work or even that unusual, you sound like you're really struggling and your DH is not doing enough. I hope you have someone kind to talk to in real life

"Well, firstly I was stuck in with DD, who is very difficult. I couldn’t take her out as I didn’t know where they were."

It seems like you're looking for problems. How does not knowing where they were stop you from going out? Do you not have your own front door key?

I had a difficult baby so you have my sympathies as I know how crap it can be but I don't see what your dh has done wrong (in any of your posts).

Why didn't you just call him and ask? 45 min is no time.

Hi @Pinkswans
so sorry things are tough right now. This too shall pass. At the moment don’t bother bringing things up with your dh. When emotions are high communication fails.

Focus on what you are able to do and leave the rest.

Cry it out. Call a friend or relative. Watch funny animal videos. Put on your favorite music. Take a moment to sit you ds with you while holding your dd and sing them both some songs. Children love listening to their mums sing to them.
You really are a good mother

Agree! And you sound lovely!

Regardless of how you are feeling there is no need for this

You sound at the end of your tether. Utterly frustrated.

The way my health visitor put it is that, for the elder child, it feels how it might feel to you if your DH moved another woman into the house. It's really hard to juggle two - it takes a while to manage it. I had a 22 month gap between my first two.

I think you should see your GP - you could have or be headed for PND?

When the children are settled tonight, sit your DH down for a discussion. Make a rule, neither of you is to get angry. You need this to move forward constructively, and you need to work as a team.

Oh I feel for you so much OP. Have been there and am (mostly...hopefully!) through the other side. What used to help me was counting down to milestones. I literally counted down the days until my youngest turned six months and I could start weaning. Soon enough your baby will be crawling and hopefully will give you a break from the yelling. Your son loves you! My eldest probably took a year to adjust to her baby brother being born but she got there. Sending hugs.

Ffs. Leave her alone

Was that necessary? Do you feel good about posting it???

Empathy certainly is not your strength, is it??

I have a six month old baby and a four year old, and I get you. You’re not being ridiculous or unfair. It’s a really hard stage and I don’t know why some posters are being so foul. Breastfeeding and being with the baby is exhausting. I’m often desperate for my husband to take the baby for a bit, so I can be with my four year old, be alone, get stuff done. It’s hard not to get resentful when you have to ask someone to take the baby, while the other person carries on as normal. You’re in the thick of it and in six more months things will be very different. However, I think make a conscious effort to ask your husband to take the baby e.g. this morning I said to mine, I’m just nipping to the shops, you look after the baby. I on,y went for fifteen minutes to the local corner shop and it was a nothingy trip out, but it was nice to go alone. Things will get easier x

I can see I’ve overreacted but I still don’t see this as DH doing me an enormous favour in taking DS to the park while I struggle at home with DD.

I do love my children but my relationship with DS is difficult because I never get to spend any real quality time with him. I’m also aware I’m tired and more irritable than normal and it does frequently feel like I’m the only one who actually does stuff. DD - it’s a phase. I don’t take it personally, she just wants to do more than she can but it doesn’t make it any less hard work and I really appreciate just having ten minutes where she’s not on me. If that makes me a contender for stately homes, be it so.

Most people, adults and children, aren’t at their best when tired which probably applies to everyone. DHs tired is because he was out while mine is six months plus of broken nights, though!

The key thing here is you are so swamped that all you feel is negativity right now.

Your 3 year old will bounce from favourite mum to favourite dad - it's totally normal but does take some effort on your part even if it seems like he doesn't like you - I promise he more than likes you, he loves you very much. Even when it really doesn't seem like it.

Have a really good think about what you want to change to make you feel happier and speak to your husband about how he can help make that happen. It doesn't matter if its going out as a family, him making sure he's around more and not going off grid so you're able to have snippets of time to do what you need to without your DD clinging to you crying.

Yes, he should realise this without a sit-down chat, but apparently, that's what is needed. Communicate and be proactive, you might find having a plan together makes you feel much better.

Just to add, I too get annoyed when my husband disappears randomly, for an extended poo, a shower, gone to the shops, decided to go somewhere on his way home… it’s just inconsiderate.

You're being absolutely ridiculous, as well as cruel and mean.

Can't you see this mum is totally overwhelmed? Have you ever had a clingy baby? Or even a baby?

That is so nasty and uncalled for!

Couldn’t disagree more.

@Meagainnewname - I adore DD. I couldn’t love her more if I tried. Just as my own mother loved me. However, she also wanted someone to take me away in July 1981 when I famously ruined the royal wedding. It wasn’t a reflection on me personally. Crying babies are very stressful.

Im late to the thread but I completely understand how you feel and why the row happened. I think it feels that he has more control of what he does and can just decide to go to a park on a whim whereas you are tethered to a baby and a toddler and you wouldn’t just disappear for 45 mins with one of them. It’s not wrong that he went to the park of course, it’s just the feeling that you don’t have even this little freedom. It is not rational yet very real.

For example. in our household i take a shower/even go for a wee when there is a spare moment and when someone is taking care of baby/toddler (or they are asleep/away). So I often have to hold it, or have no shower. Whereas my husband JUST TAKES A SHOWER when he wants.

I don’t have any solutions, but I’ve read its pretty common feeling among mums that is hard to explain to dads… so I sympathise

@Pinkswans I remember when my second was born. Reflux baby. He screamed from 2weeks until he was 7mnths. There was a heatwave. Summer baby. I was so sleep deprived I was hallucinating. The sweat was dripping off me, the noise was horrendous. My dh was taking our eldest (6 so basically an adult compared to the baby) to wash the car. An hour went by, two hours. Get a photo from dh of them in the (air conditioned) cinema with Ben & Jerries ice cream.
My god. I could have killed him. I would have loved two hours in a cool cinema bonding with my eldest.

I am still pissed off about it 6 years later🤣

wow, some of these comments. Don’t get a job at Samaritans, eh.

Eleven bags of crap in the hall and a screaming bambino would have turned me into the Tasmanian devil. Sounds like your nerves are frayed, and stress is cumulative. Also, hormones, man. Easy to say but try to just get through these days. Speak to your HV, see what she can recommend. Have you done the PND quiz?

DD won’t die from crying, if you need to shower, stick her safely where you can see her and just do it. It won’t be relaxing but at least you’ll be clean. If he can go to the pub you can wash your hair!

Btw, your son likes you fine, he loves you too. When DC2 was born, DC1 went off me. Didn’t want me to read his story, which I always did. It broke my heart but it didn’t last long and now he’s a big tall fella and follows me about talking about stuff I don’t want to hear!

take care of yourself ✊

@Pinkswans I think that we are often fed this blissful image of family together time but the reality is far from that. Children are hard work and especially babies. She is only 6 months so this is a big upset to all of your routines. As for your son , don't they say if something like toilet training is too much work then it is too early? Does it really matter if it is now or in a month or two time? Sometimes we get so upset because we are disappointed with how something has turned out - we thought it would be like A but it ended up like B. Perhaps you and your H need a chat just to try to establish some guidelines about what is reasonable in terms of communication. It doesn't matter that the house seems in chaos. It won't be like that forever. As for the "doing things together" well that will come in time.

two wrongs don't make a right. yes what she said was wrong but by retaliating only stresses you out more. rise above the shite comments and ignore.

I completely understand. You want to share the load, and as you're struggling with the baby you want your husband to not go awol as that's another thing for you to think about!

Also, he should be around when you get in from taking them both out over the weekend, as him being off work is as much a break for you as it is for him.

I felt exactly the same when I was going through this stage.

My husband also doesn't feed our son, or wash up or anything when I have a rare lay in. He wants to relax in the morning if he's up with ds, and that's fine, so long as he pulls his weight later on.

It's hard. It's really hard and your feelings are valid. Talk to him, tell him what you need.