Thank you all for your messages. I've been reading through all of your posts today and given them lots of thought (had hoped to reply earlier but DP and I have both been in the house together most of the day).
As an initial update, the last thing DP said last night, after my last update, was that he was going to try his best from today to do better, work on his stress etc. He’s woken up today behaving like nothing happened over the weekend (but doing a couple of things differently like gone out for a run which he used to do to relax). I'm not sure I even vaguely believe that things will change, but even apart from that, I'm finding it difficult today as the weekend was emotionally so awful that just “going back to normal” isn’t realistic for my emotions - and I've actually had a few moments of feeling quite angry that he seemingly gets to just go back to normal. I am trying to be fairly normal on the face of it though, as I don’t want to put myself back into a position where I've been distant and then in my mind given him a "valid claim" that I've caused the problem by not bothering with him. So I’m trying my best to internally keep processing while on the face of it being fairly normal until I know what it is that I want to say/do - giving myself some breathing space effectively.
It reads like you are hyper focused on his every mood, sigh, gesture. But you have no time to think about what you want / feel. Try googling Sick Systems and see if that resonates
This is absolutely true, I don’t know how I’ve ended up being so hyper-vigilant but I definitely am. I wonder if it’s because there have been times when DP's stress has resulted in outbursts of anger or the silent treatment so I’ve ended up trying to read his mood earlier to avoid it getting to that point.
Sick systems was a really interesting read too as at the moment I’m ticking all the boxes of too tired to think, too busy to think, emotionally invested and have days where things go well and keeps the hope alive. I definitely need to try and carve out more alone and down time so I can at least get rid of two!
You made a comment about fear of rejection. Is this a one off, or is it generally an issue for you? if so, does it come from earlier times?
It's not something I fully understand yet, but when I’ve been doing some reading online I saw it and it resonated a bit. I know I don’t like it when people are unhappy or angry with me for example, I have to consciously stop myself trying to “fix it”. Or the fact that even when I’m having doubts about the relationship myself, it makes me feel anxious to hear DP say it. I got bullied at school so that would perhaps be the obvious thing to trace it back to.
I reiterate though that he's probably not doing it on purpose. He genuinely IS unhappy. So if you don't respond the way he wants - by assuring him YOU will be better, maybe he WILL leave.
Thank you, that’s a helpful reminder. In a way, I think it would be easier if it was on purpose as it would be easier to be angry with him if he was being deliberately cruel. Whereas someone who's genuinely struggling taps into your empathy more.
what is his relationship history like? Any crazy/abusive/controlling/money grabbing exes around....?
His last relationship was 5 years and the one before that about a year. He’s never spoken about his ex's disrespectfully etc. so no obvious red flags there. I have heard some stories that are now familiar though… how they used to have huge arguments and he’d end up storming out of the house, how she used to get annoyed with him for texting on a night out, how they used to have arguments about him wanting to know what time she’d be home from work… When I first heard some of the stories and it was painted as “I just wanted to know what time I should have dinner ready for” I was sympathetic. Now I can understand where his ex was coming from!
I’ve been reading through the recent posts and it sounds really topsy-turvy.
Topsy-Turvy is a great description – as you mention, he’s been nice, distant, depressed, angry, distressed, sad, considering breaking up, asking to make it work, wanting to buy a car together… all in the space of a week. When you say it like that it’s no wonder my mind feels like mush. I did actually wonder at one point whether he’s having some form of breakdown. Breakdown or not though, I am at least starting to see more clearly that it’s not my fault – even if it doesn’t always feel that way in the moment!
I’m sorry to say it’s not normal for a functional relationship to be like this. Yes we all have low or rocky periods, but a relationship is an equal partnership where you should be able to communicate and, importantly, actually enjoy one another.
I think that’s a reasonable comment and helpful as a benchmark for me to check in against. I've been thinking over the last few days about the fact that I wouldn't have gone into the relationship at the beginning if I’d known it was going to look like the way it is currently. It’s the fact that there have been enjoyable times, times when he actually was the most supportive partner I’ve had etc. and the fact that even now it's not bad all the time – that’s what makes it more confusing. It's like the good times that you're trying to get back to.
Start investing your time and effort in YOU. Start imagining how your future looks. Can you put up with the rollercoaster behaviour for another 30 years? If not, start envisaging how you want your life to be.
I’m going to bring this into part of my plan. I’ve already made a literal list on my phone of dealbreakers and boundaries that I’m trying to hold myself to, so that even when I’m struggling to think clearly I’ve got something to make decisions based on. But I think you’re right that making a positive list of what I want to work towards too is equally helpful. Between those two things I should be able to measure the relationship against how it fits against those things, rather than the relationship being at the centre.
He asked if I think we can make things work. So I just said that things need to change compared to where they are now, and in particular he needs to cope with stress better. Well done, @baffleddays That can't have been very easy.
Thank you @DancesWithDucks. Somehow this time it was actually easier than I expected… Perhaps because he wasn’t angry at the time (as that’s what I find the hardest to deal with), but I think also because I was so drained with it all that I knew I couldn’t answer the question any other way. After everything that’s happened in the last few days there’s just no way I could say yes we can make things work as I know can’t live with the way he’s been behaving. So if things don’t change the answer has to be no, we can't make it work.
He is a perpetual victim (he even blames children for not behaving the way he wants/needs!?) – is extremely controlling, has zero interest in your wants or needs
- *When you say it like that it doesn’t sound great. As you’re right that even with the children it’s always that the issue is with them or with me (e.g. with my niece “we should be able to just have a normal conversation”), (e.g. with nephew, “maybe it's because he doesn't know that no means no”). I've rarely, if ever, heard DP reflect on his part of anything or have any empathy towards them (e.g. my niece gets anxious, maybe talk to her about something other than school... or my nephew has a lot going on at home and is only young still, maybe it's okay for him to have tantrums). It’s been hard to see the unreasonableness because as you say there’s always a factor or reason – my nephews tantrums can be very stressful, my niece has just snapped at him etc. so it makes it more understandable that DP would be stressed or upset. If DP was unempathetic during a moment of calm somehow it would stand out as being an issue more easily.
The fact that you've had these conversations multiple times, in my opinion, is an extremely bad sign.
I think you’re right on this too – rationally if previous conversations haven’t fixed things, I don’t know why I’d expect it to be different next time we have a conversation. I think I’m finally reaching a point where I’m accepting in my mind that these have to be the final set of conversations. I think now it’s about getting the strength and knowledge to deal with those conversations properly.