Parents family distant during pregnancy but want to meet the baby ASAP

[Clem364]

AIBU - I have been with my partner for 4 years we are expecting our first child I am 7 months pregnant prior to this we were living in a summer house in his parents garden. Since being pregnant we have moved to my mothers house as she does not work and I am cared for 24/7 for some this may be much but I have an extremely good relationship with her! Since the move I haven’t heard much from my partners family apart from his grandma who sends me a text every week asking how I am ( not just the baby but me) I am close in age to both sisters they work in child care and as a nurse. I haven’t heard from either of them since we moved but when I have seen them briefly at family events they have exclaimed how excited they are to be anuties and how much stuff they are buying. My MIL only messages my partner to ask how I am. And on the odd occasion when WE decide to go and see them as they never ask to see us. It is constant awkward digs that we don’t see them anymore. MIL has said she will be waiting outside the hospital when little one is born. It’s starting to over whelm me I don’t want to be stood in a car park after giving birth to befit her. We have also had a lot of complications during pregnancy and I have been rushed to hospital a few times. His mum messaged him to ask if the baby was ok but didn’t ask him If I was or even pop me a text. We were expected to drive to them all over Christmas (2 weeks after I was rushed to hospital) eveyone was aware but didn’t ask if I was ok. This is a long post but in the long and short of it no one has bothered with me but expects all rights to my child when it arrives (they are a Facebook post 24/7 family) for context I hate social media and do not wish for my baby’s face to be uploaded. It seems like they will do anything for me in front of others but once the novelty wears off they can’t be bothered. And don’t actually care. I am worried about when the baby does arrive and I am pressured in to last minute walk ins at my house and entitlement over my baby. What can I do ? I might just lose it please help

That’s a shame that you don’t consider my, and many, any other posters advice to leave your boyfriends relatives to him as advice. It’s the easy and correct thing to do. Enjoy the theatrics if you want.

@C00k
who said I’m not taking that advice ?
seems like you are also very quick not to consider x
as you said it’s advice - but you have stated it’s the correct thing to do … so are you advising or telling ?

I'm glad you think the comments are funny.but believe me..I hardly think anyone is jealous .Strange how you came to that conclusion . A lot of us have more self respect that to want mummy tending to our every need

don't attend their baby shower, you and your DH do not have to participate. the more you enforce your boundaries the less this sitation will bother you. also drop the rope, you are not going to be the bridge between DH and them. leave him to lead the relationship with your own family, whilst you're pregnant you really don't need the stress.

You don’t gave to take your baby to see these people if you don’t want you, your DH can bring the baby to visit, if he wants to.

Just say no to requests for baby to stay overnight. For requests for MIL to be present at birth, just say no, that won’t be happening. You don’t have to be involved with these people if you don’t want to.

You don’t have to go to the baby shower they are organising -just say you’re Mum is organising a baby shower, they are welcome to attend but you won’t be going to a second one. No discussion.

So much self respect but feel the need to read my whole thread and nit pick at that one comment if you haven’t got anything better to do just say.

but if you had a mum like mine I doubt you would be mindlessly scrolling mums net just to be mean about other people’s family dynamics because that’s not nice.

maybe you should go outside the world is changing. You may not agree but unfortunately people have their own feelings not everyone has to be as brave as you!!!

@Greenpolkadot
I have no self respect because me and my mum get along 😂
she is currently gelling my nails no word of a lie ✌️🙂

@Clem364 what are you on about, OP? You want to grow up sharpish before this baby is born. And sort out your postpartum contraception, an unplanned pregnancy and previous losses by the age of 22 suggests you've not been capable of that before. Your mum's ban on boyfriends staying over didn't achieve much clearly

Omg let’s shame the girl for being pregnant. That’s why everyone is mean to me
shame on her for finding out she was pregnant and had a miscarriage all in one day at her place of work in the toilet alone while being on birth control. My first child was conceived while I was on the pill and didn’t make it …because I was on the pill. I mean there are other times of the day you can have sex not just at night, if you didn’t know ;) I used to have my own place with an Abusive ex … got myself in a lot of debt. Wouldn’t recommend but it’s happened now and nothing I can do about it now apart from not do it again.
but if all of that is the reason my soon to be in-laws are mean to me. Then so be it.

Omg let’s shame the girl for being pregnant

My mum washes my clothes cooks my dinner and meal preps my lunches you are a grown woman!

I used to have my own place with an Abusive ex … got myself in a lot of debt

Before the age of 18??

Op you should very immature.

Nowhere did I say cut them off. But you keep saying g you are trying so hard to have a good relationship with them and they are so awful and don’t reciprocate. So don’t do it. That doesn’t mean cutting them off. It means letting your dp deal with the visiting them and so on.

Sounds like you you are very all or nothings and it doesn’t need to be. In a year or so you may find your dp taking his child to visit his parents and giving you some down time.

You don’t describe a family that likes a drink. You described alcoholics. You talked about people smoking around you. You described quite awful people. Then it’s not that they are awful and of course you couldn’t possibly take a step back from the relationship. Despite people managing it all the time.

You clearly haven’t had a great life so far. Since all before the age of 22 you have had an abusive relationship. Got into tons of debt then got in a relationship where you lived in a posh shed, until your mum finally invited you to live with her. She didn’t mind you not having running water before that, so I am glad she has seen the errors of her ways.

You are right about some envy. My mum is dead. There’s a bit of envy, whenever people have a mum. However, there’s no envy over the kind of relationship you have with your mum.

I had my first child at 21 and mum would have gladly had us live with her. It was a choice not to. But she was still my best friend right until she died. I have the same relationship with my Dad now. You aren’t the only person who is very close to their parents. It’s not unique. As dysfunctional relationships are not unique either

@SecondUsername4me
what difference does that make ? I am a bad person for accepting help ?
what is this issue with grown women accepting help ?

let’s replace mum with best friend.
I think the problem is that it’s my mum.

when my childhood friend was pregnant with her first boy I went round most nights after work helped her meal prep did her ironing and consulted her emotionally as well as on call 24/7 for anything she needed.
if she wanted ice cream at 1am she called me
if she needed sugar or milk she called me to grab some on the way round.
(she had a partner for support aswell)
would you shame her and tell her to grow up ?
we are allowed to help each other regardless of the relation to that person.
maybe the world would be such a nicer place if instead of telling people to grow up and deal with things all by them selves we weren't all so quick to judge.

please do not tell me I am not entitled to the help I receive when it’s not coming from you.

yes I move out at the age of 17 with my ex he was 19 I have worked full time from the age of 15.

I was an adult when I deceived to live in the posh shed. I have always had a room at my mothers house. She just wouldn’t allow my partner to be there at the time. I could have returned at any point but I preferred to stay with my partner.
that was a choice I made. This is no error of my mother.

I really haven’t had an amazing Time. All I wanted was some advice on soon to be in-laws.

like you said it was your choice not to live with your mum. Where in this situation it is my choice to live with mum till I have enough for a mortgage (I am only 3-4 months off) I am due to be standing on my own two feet.

this doesn’t mean I don’t pay for anything I own or bum off my parents. I pay rent help with bills child care and pay for food.

I fail to see how this is anything to do with my partner’s parents. I am not here to claim that mine and my mums relationship is like no other.
it was a point that was latched on to by other users. I have since been called names and bashed for still living at home when this is an issue I’ve not asked for advice on 😂.

just because I live with my parents still I am allowed to be mistreated by my partners family ?

I think your relationship with your mother has a lot to do with your current issues with your partners family.

Your partner couldn’t be at your mums house. But as soon as you got pregnant it was fine. That’s unusual.

You are making out you have a relationship like no one else’s, because you assume people are jealous of it.

Where as most people prefer to be independent AND have a good relationship with their parents.

and yes, the list of things you did for your friend because she was simply pregnant is very intense. It seems to be how you form relationships. Which, again, is likely happening because of your early relationships with the people around you. Like your mum.

let’s replace mum with best friend
I think the problem is that it’s my mum

The problem is you are a fully grown adult, about to be responsible for a child, and you don't do your own laundry or make your own lunches.

That's not "getting help" it's downright laziness! Aren't you embarrassed? And no, my opinion would be no different if it was a friend.

Oh boooo well good job your not my mum.
I work 2 jobs, I am also working up to 3 days of my due a date. I don’t go out on weekends to save. I can’t remember the last time I went out with the girls prior to being pregnant. I am well aware of my financial situation and I do everything I can to make sure I am saving as much as I can for me and my child. I have said that I pay my way in my mothers house. She cooks for 5 I give her more money and she cooks slightly more. She still has to cook it regardless.

lady you are really getting hung up on something you have no control over. If I had to cook my own dinner after my mother … it would cost more. If I had to do separate laundry …. It would cost more and she would still have to do it.
some times life is too short to live all high and mighty 24/7. This is a short term plan that is insuring that I am a home owner while my child is growing up. Which is safest place to be when you have a young child. You think I want to spend the rest of my life throwing money at landlords ? Paying their rent, living under their roof ? Oh no because that sounds similar to me just living how I live at my parents house. Only the money doesn’t go to some random landlord oh it goes towards my parents mortgage EVEN BETTER DONT YOU THINK ?

seems like you didn’t get much support while you were pregnant or after birth. You now expect everyone else to receive no help that’s not very nice that you want other people to struggle.

What I don’t understand is why you think you have to have unwanted contact with ILS once baby arrives?

They turn up uninvited, you don’t answer the door. They ask to have baby overnight, you say no.

Are you worried your DP won’t back you up?

@Bluenotgreen
he doesn’t back me up I get the whole “you know what she’s like” like it’s just allowed.

he’s gotten better recently maybe I should bring it up with him. I just don’t want him to think I’m bashing his family. I wouldn’t like it if he said to me !!

@SecondUsername4me
i hope your grown ass partners make their own lunch ? own dinner? and do their own Landry separate to yours while living in the same house hold before you carry on. Do you also have your own bins to take out ? Order on a separate bill at a restaurant ? Buy your own separate tooth paste? Buy your own separate cutlery sets?

I think you need to grow up unless you do all of the above …. I don’t have to do anything separate.
it is also very normal in Pakistani/Indian cultures to go home when you are with child to be looked after. I mean be careful with who you might just offend x

I think it’s worth reminding him that he needs to be more worried about upsetting you than upsetting his mother. You aren’t wanting to cut them out or exclude them, but if they try to trample all over reasonable boundaries, like not stalking the hospital car park, they will be dealt with firmly and he needs to back you up.

Make sure they never have a key once you move. And I would move as far away from them as you comfortably can if they don’t start behaving.

I think people had thought that you were a lot older given that it's a 4 year relationship. You'd also not been so negative about your boyfriends family until far later.

In all honesty, I felt you came across as quite immature (sorry), overly enmeshed with family and overly precious about being pregnant.

However, you are still quite young to have a baby, and without meaning to sound as patronising as I know this probably does, it explains a lot. I lived at home for a period at 22, and my mum cooked for me too.

Lots of people in their early 20's live at home still. Your relationship must have started when you were a teenager, and your parents strict rules in boyfriends meant you moved in to the shed in his garden. You've unexpectedly become pregnant and given you lived in a waterless shed, your can't home to have extra support from your mum. Actually, that's perfectly reasonable for 22.

It's unusual to have been in a relationship for 4 years at 22, and even now I'm not sure how you could rack up large amount of debt at 17 or 18. But that's enough of my business. What it did mean though is most of us probably thought you were a decade older, at which stage the level of care you are receiving would seem a bit excruciating and OTT.

I'm sorry if this comes across as patronising. I don't think you sound immature for 22, but just that your setup would be odd if you were 35. I also don't mean you're too young to have a baby, and I think it'll be good for you and your boyfriend to get your own place as soon as you can.

You write quite bizarrely! I agree that a huge part of the relationship issues is likely to be to do with communication.

It feels like you are playing at either being more mature or having more stability?

What does your partner think about the situation?

I don't think there's any need for the aggression you've had on here towards other posters btw.

No one is jealous of the support you have from your mum.
Many of us have wonderful relationships with our own mum's.

It just wasn't a big deal looking after ourselves when we were pregnant. Those of us that have done it more than once, doing it all with juggling a toddlers needs. It really wasn't that big a deal tbh. But you're not used to living independently (if the shed didn't have water, you couldn't cook/live independently), so it probably seems harder.

We aren't jealous. More baffled that it's thought necessary tbh.

I think this is why you’re getting the responses you are! you clearly don’t want to hear any other side other than your own! This comment alone has really totally diminished any other thing you’ve said as you really have come across as ridiculous - not everyone is jealous of you’re “perfect mother” or as some may now see it absolutely batshit crazy outake on life.
youve taken every comment that hasn’t agreed with you the wrong way and now acting like this.
youvw said it’s not a competition but VERY clearly it is with the my mum is better than yours crap. I think maybe it’s time to stand on your own two feet and not be the pampered princess now. If you want your in-laws involved have them involved if you don’t then don’t it’s simple really but you really haven’t projected yourself very well when comments haven’t gone your way. Hormones may be to blame but I think but still.
everyone wants to do right by their kids but it doesn’t mean they do everything for them or make them any less parents if they don’t.
im genuinely starting to sway towards feeling sorry for your in-laws after some of the latter Comments now.