Parents family distant during pregnancy but want to meet the baby ASAP

[Clem364]

AIBU - I have been with my partner for 4 years we are expecting our first child I am 7 months pregnant prior to this we were living in a summer house in his parents garden. Since being pregnant we have moved to my mothers house as she does not work and I am cared for 24/7 for some this may be much but I have an extremely good relationship with her! Since the move I haven’t heard much from my partners family apart from his grandma who sends me a text every week asking how I am ( not just the baby but me) I am close in age to both sisters they work in child care and as a nurse. I haven’t heard from either of them since we moved but when I have seen them briefly at family events they have exclaimed how excited they are to be anuties and how much stuff they are buying. My MIL only messages my partner to ask how I am. And on the odd occasion when WE decide to go and see them as they never ask to see us. It is constant awkward digs that we don’t see them anymore. MIL has said she will be waiting outside the hospital when little one is born. It’s starting to over whelm me I don’t want to be stood in a car park after giving birth to befit her. We have also had a lot of complications during pregnancy and I have been rushed to hospital a few times. His mum messaged him to ask if the baby was ok but didn’t ask him If I was or even pop me a text. We were expected to drive to them all over Christmas (2 weeks after I was rushed to hospital) eveyone was aware but didn’t ask if I was ok. This is a long post but in the long and short of it no one has bothered with me but expects all rights to my child when it arrives (they are a Facebook post 24/7 family) for context I hate social media and do not wish for my baby’s face to be uploaded. It seems like they will do anything for me in front of others but once the novelty wears off they can’t be bothered. And don’t actually care. I am worried about when the baby does arrive and I am pressured in to last minute walk ins at my house and entitlement over my baby. What can I do ? I might just lose it please help

I think your own mums attitude that you need caring for 24/7 has given you a false expectation of the level of fuss you should receive when pregnant. Your in laws sound pretty normal to me, showing excitement, asking your DH how you are and looking forward to the baby's arrival. I mean, in fairness, what more attention do you expect? Because I dare say you'd be very quick to complain if that crossed into overstepping.

As for the baby's arrival, I think you need to brace yourself, because as far as your in laws go, their new relative is likely going to recieve far more of their attention than you do, and like most mums, you will find yourself taking a back seat to your child. This is normal and you shouldn't be thinking of withholding your child to punish people for not fussing enough over you.

you don't have to allow this, if you don't want hospital visitors (which is perfectly reasonable) simply tell your partner you don't want to tell anyone when you are in labour and then inform them the baby has arrived once you are home and let them know you will reach out when you wish to plan a visit. Honestly I don't think mumsnet is the place for this discussion, there are a lot of angry MIL's on here and they seem to think its normal to treat a woman like a surrogate and then make plans and demands about her most vulnerable moments when you haven't shown the slightest amount of care. Your baby, your rules. Don't act out of spite but protect your mental health as thats one of the most important things for the baby.

@5128gap i think my mum putting her children priority has made me realise how much of a priority this baby is going to have over me. I have not once desputed that the baby is less important than myself. Considering my family does not drink nor smoke why would I allow my child to be in the hands of people that do constantly. I have high expectations for anyone that interacts with my child yes. Apologies if I don’t want it to stay the night in a raging alcoholics house over night that I have no bond with! Then be called selfish and I am taking away grandparent rights. She has said previously “I won’t drink when I have the baby “ the fact that has to be said …. Not good enough sorry

You sound like a precious princess. I know how that comes across but some of the comments you've made make me think you're so used to getting things your own way that you can't see that others do things differently.

You want more communication from them but are calling it harassment when MIL says she wants to see the baby. Obviously she doesn't actually mean you have to take the baby in the car park (unless English isn't your first language and you're missing the meaning behind it?).

You don’t need to indulge in this, grandparents (and parents) do not have rights. (Parents have responsibilities, not rights)
Don’t send your kid there if you don’t want, it’s fine. ‘No thanks!’ The boyfriend should be advocating for you and his kid once born.

@WannabeMum22 thankyou for your comment. I feel like this is such a fair thing to say. I haven’t asked to be cuddled on this app. At the end of the day I am just an anxious hormone driven person.
x

OP are you from a Pakistani or similar background? Your whole situation is unusual for white British, unless very young. Your childcis entitled to a relationship with both GPs and aunties etc. If they didn't smoke in the conservatory then that's the place to visit. The rest is completely normal. Your Mum spoils you and hasn't let you grow up. What your inlaws are doing is the norm. This baby is as much your MILs GC as your Mums. It's toxic if you only allow contact with your child if they are making enough of a fuss about you.

@sparepantsandtoothbrush
no no no miscommunication I am English mil is English. She asked to be at birth we said no. (Why would she we don’t have a good relationship)
I also said that we would bring the baby after having it. I would just like a few hours to go home get washed dress and feel normal before any visits. I don’t think I am asking for much. I was told “well I can wait in the car park “ no miscommunication. I am not with holding the child from anyone. I do have to heal too and I’ll be honest I don’t want her wandering in the hospital while I’ve got a nappy on. 🤗

@sparepantsandtoothbrush
every time I try to set a boundary I am met with “well I will….” I wouldn’t call that heathy communication. That’s bargaining and taking the piss quite frank. Maybe even pressure …

If they are such awful people why did you live with them so long? Why didn’t your mum not invite you to live with her sooner?

You put the ‘we will be outside the hospital’ in the Op but not all the actual awful stuff they did?

And if they are such awful people, who you consider to be harassing you (waiting outside the hospital isn’t harassment) and treat you so terribly, why are you put out they don’t text you?

You want nothing to do with them. But also want them to keep getting in touch.

You say you don’t want your baby to be around drinkers or smokers, but go (so you baby is going with you as you are still pregnant) round to their house?

Something really doesn’t add up. Especially around your mother. Her husband pays for everything. But you also pay huge amounts to the bills, pay your mum to support you and also do the housework and look after your siblings? But also you loved in so she could care for you 24/7. You even said you know people would find that strange. Yes they would find your mother looking after you 24/7 strange. But that’s not what’s happening.

If you don't want them at the hospital, don't tell them you're there. They can't be waiting in the car park if they don't know you're there. When you get home, DP can then send the message or call them and say baby has arrived and tell them when is a good time to visit.

no worries at all - honestly I'd leave this thread and focus on getting on the same page as your partner as far as postpartum boundaries are concerned. visitors after birth, spending time with family ect... if you have a normal set up then you may suddenly be having people who barely bother with you demanding you spend your maternity leave hosting them and catering to them on so they can play with your baby. so just have these discussions on your partner so you can get on the same page and can be a team. feel free to message me if you want some good places to learn more about the best ways to approach this.

Are you very young? It's my only explanation of your thinking

I'm not clear why you want more fuss from someone you don't have a good relationship with. My in laws don't usually contact me directly but through my husband. That works fine for me.

You clearly don't like them much so I don't know why you are bothering about this. You sound like you are just looking for reasons to justify moaning about them. That's cool, you just don't get on that well. I imagine you rub them up the wrong way too. Not everyone gets on.

You don't need to have them at the birth. Just tell them after it's happened. Job done no need to stress.

They are excited to meet the baby and I'm afraid that is the case for most new mums or mums to be. People ask how the baby is doing, not the mum. One thing I learnt when I became a mum - I don't matter as much as my kids, not in a bad way, just reality, your life takes a back seat to prioritise theirs. To my kids I am a mum and not necessarily seen as a person with my own wants and needs. Until I had kids I didn't fully appreciate my mum as an individual not just a mum. Shame she died before I got the chance to say thanks, I totally appreciate what you did for me, sorry for being a bit self obsessed!

Your current mind set is probably going to change a lot. I doubt you'll ever like your in-laws much but it will be a rude awakening how little fuss you will get compared to your child. So maybe try and get a bit more used to the idea and chill out about all this. If you don't get on anyway then just welcome the fact that you aren't in such frequent contact.

If someone, anyone is taking time and effort to see you/baby etc they must be really happy for you - at times people have things going on in life and dont share even with those nearest and dearest.

@Ponoka7
i don’t think my race plays any part of this. I am English my partner is English. The reason I live at home is because I am early 20’s saving for a mortgage. We are due to be out in our own home once baby is 2 months old. I actually know a lot of people this was very common for with an unplanned pregnancy that are English.

Regardless of contact it’s your baby and you need to put your foot down now and say you’ll let them know when they can come and meet the baby.

I don't understand why people are being so mean to the OP. She's 7 months pregnant and clearly anxious about her situation. Whether you think she's overreacting or not, she feels how she feels and it would be good to see some sisterly support for her.

Wow. What a line up of people and behaviours. Christ.

Are you very young, OP? You don’t sound very good and asserting your boundaries. At all.

@Wadermellone
we pay our way, the return of my mother is out of kindness. Their life wouldn’t be much different if we didn’t live there. My mum still wouldn’t work and would care for eveyone else in the house just the same. I find living at home to be a really calm environment. They are still the grandparents. They don’t smoke in the house and when we vist it tends to be a 11-1 pm before drinking starts. I wouldn’t say that makes them bad people. The issue I have is the fact that I am constantly told want to do what not to do what to share what not to share by people that I don’t have a good enough relationship with. Our communication when I am away from the house is light and fluffy. But when I do go round I am bombarded by their expectations & judgement. I think would only be reasonable if they were involved more. I am more tired of the fact that I don’t get asked how I am feeling. I get spoken to like a child and get told what they expect and when they expect it. Seems like to me I am just a vessel for their grandchild. My mum doesn’t pressure me, she does not grab my belly (as mentioned I have explained I don’t like this) but still I am disrespected. So my question is I am not with holding my child from no one but at the same time I am not playing this come and go relationship with my child as you please. Also I don’t believe that if all you have done is disrespect a monthly her pregnancy done nothing but shame her body what she is eating her plans to Brest feed. Then expect to be in the delivery room ?

@Wednesdaysphiltrum
hey I am 22. I would say yes I do struggle with setting boundaries and I do try and compromise to keep eveyone happy since being pregnant I have had time to think about someone else and not just myself.
when I have asked for people not to grab me.
they proceed to do so just quicker …
when I have asked for people not to things
I am met with “well I will then completely disregard my point …”
ill be honest I don’t know how to react afterwards. I just send to laugh and smile because I feel uncomfortable. Hormones are telling me to rip a face off or swear and go crazy but i can’t because I am worried about completely ruining the relationship beyond repair and I want my child to have both sets of grand parents.
what do I do if people cross my boundaries or Bargin with them constantly?
thanks x

i would also like to say I have a very strong relationship with my partners grandparents. We have heathy boundaries. We speak a lot more and when they have something to say about my actions I don’t take it personally because we have built an open bond. Compared to my partners mum who just breathes unsolicited judgment every time she speaks to me.

@NoTouch
as a matter of fact yes! She did my partner plays a competitive sport and she would always message to ask how he got on at his games. (Not that his family ever asked) she would also come evey 2 weeks to support him with me at his games (not that his family ever did) oh and we also was invited for dinner every Sunday. (She would also send him his own text to ask if we were both attending that Sunday) I didn’t receive those texts FYI.

@TheSnowyOwl
oh sorry my mistake it’s not that I drive to them every 2 weeks. That’s the only reason we speak.
apologies for putting out and being hard work.
but I don’t remember anyone driving my way to have a coffee in a cafe

@MCOut thanks!
your right cared for 24/7 was an exaggeration. My mum does a lot for me that is unnecessary but she likes to feel needed and like she helping.

we are both from similar back grounds.
the main problem I have is that I am not spoken to I try to get round there every 2 weeks so that we don’t completely disconnect as I want my child to have both sets of grandparents but I am never invited I am once again expected to put out for them(while being pregnant) . When I do arrive I am met with constant judgement/expectations and boundaries being crossed x

@innerdesign
i travel to their house every 2-3 weeks to keep regular communication because I don’t want it to be as if “strangers” are meeting my baby. Evey time I gone there (I have to invite myself) the sisters stay up stairs or come down and go out with out saying hi. I am then met with constant judgment and expectations by Parents in law about when the baby does arrive. Makes me feel uncomfortable as I feel like I am going there just to be bashed.