Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Parents family distant during pregnancy but want to meet the baby ASAP

133 replies

Clem364 · 30/01/2024 21:03

AIBU - I have been with my partner for 4 years we are expecting our first child I am 7 months pregnant prior to this we were living in a summer house in his parents garden. Since being pregnant we have moved to my mothers house as she does not work and I am cared for 24/7 for some this may be much but I have an extremely good relationship with her! Since the move I haven’t heard much from my partners family apart from his grandma who sends me a text every week asking how I am ( not just the baby but me) I am close in age to both sisters they work in child care and as a nurse. I haven’t heard from either of them since we moved but when I have seen them briefly at family events they have exclaimed how excited they are to be anuties and how much stuff they are buying. My MIL only messages my partner to ask how I am. And on the odd occasion when WE decide to go and see them as they never ask to see us. It is constant awkward digs that we don’t see them anymore. MIL has said she will be waiting outside the hospital when little one is born. It’s starting to over whelm me I don’t want to be stood in a car park after giving birth to befit her. We have also had a lot of complications during pregnancy and I have been rushed to hospital a few times. His mum messaged him to ask if the baby was ok but didn’t ask him If I was or even pop me a text. We were expected to drive to them all over Christmas (2 weeks after I was rushed to hospital) eveyone was aware but didn’t ask if I was ok. This is a long post but in the long and short of it no one has bothered with me but expects all rights to my child when it arrives (they are a Facebook post 24/7 family) for context I hate social media and do not wish for my baby’s face to be uploaded. It seems like they will do anything for me in front of others but once the novelty wears off they can’t be bothered. And don’t actually care. I am worried about when the baby does arrive and I am pressured in to last minute walk ins at my house and entitlement over my baby. What can I do ? I might just lose it please help

OP posts:
Hipnotised · 30/01/2024 21:07

It's not weird that your inlaws message your partner to ask how you are. Why wouldn't they?

SecondUsername4me · 30/01/2024 21:08

How often does your family message your dp?

innerdesign · 30/01/2024 21:09

Can't make head nor tail of that really. Communication works both ways though. Do you ever contact your partner's sisters? Saying they're excited to be aunties is just the polite thing to say

Tourmalines · 30/01/2024 21:11

Seems you hate your in laws .

KrisAkabusi · 30/01/2024 21:12

There have been numerous threads here by women complaining that the in-laws are messaging them when in hospital, and why can't they just ask their sons. I think you are being a but unreasonable. You loved away, of course they're not going to see much of you. And it's natural to then be excited about the new baby when they do see you. I can't really see that they're doing much wrong.

seven201 · 30/01/2024 21:21

Sounds pretty normal to me. Would have been nice if they'd asked how you are but maybe the complication was more baby related? I don't understand the in the hospital car park thing - can't they come in? If you don't want them to visit until you're home and ready just make sure you get your partner to make that clear. But given your mum will meet the baby when you get home it would be nice to do it pretty soon. They were very good to you letting you live in their summer house for so long.

Greenpolkadot · 30/01/2024 21:40

Why do you need to be cared for 24/7 ?
Your pregnant..not ill
What does your DH say about your mil waiting outside the hospital when you have the baby ?
Remember..it's up to you who visits..mum is priority

Londonrach1 · 30/01/2024 21:45

Sounds normal to me asking dp how you are. Why you really hate your ..that not inlaws as you not married but your partners parents.

Slightly surprised your mum looking after you so much. Are you ill?

NoTouch · 30/01/2024 22:00

How often do you message his mum to ask if she is ok?
How often didbyour mum message your partner to ask if he is ok when you were staying at his parents?

Unless you are close and have an active relationship separate from your dp, it doesn't sound like you do, it is completely normal for your inlaws to message only your dp.

They might not message or directly ask you around, but saying they dont see you is their way of doing that and letting you know the door is open.

It sounds like you are fussing over nothing and would benefit from chilling out a bit and not overthinking it.

Of course the grandparents want to see their sons new baby. That is normal too, and it would be nice to try to include them so they dont feel sidelined. Either seeing the baby at hospital or maybe an invite to a short visit at your mums until you feel up to getting out and about.

TheSnowyOwl · 30/01/2024 22:02

You sound hard work.

I’m assuming you message all of his family on a very regular basis to see how they are so perhaps when they hear from you they feel you would say if there was a problem. Or do you expect them to do all the messaging and not you?

Lavenderosa · 30/01/2024 22:11

I sympathise and I think you might be having pre-baby anxiety as you're role playing in your head about situations that haven't even happened yet. Talk it over with your DH and Mum and come up with a post-baby plan for the first couple of weeks. It might make you feel more at ease about how to manage things eg the fact that you don't want your baby's photo on social media and you don't want impromptu visits. My in-laws made me anxious before my first child but you learn how to handle it, especially if your DH supports you.

Babyboomtastic · 30/01/2024 22:35

Honestly, you sound like your the first woman ever to have a baby, and weirdly entrenched with both families.

Living with husband family and then moving to your mum's so she could look after you 24/7. What have I just read? I've had very rough pregnancies are things sounds totally OTT for me unless you are bedbound with older children etc.

Your in laws must have felt a bit rejected tbh when you left, not too be independent, but to move in with your mum.

Likewise, going on a 2 hour trip when 6m pregnant shouldn't be a big deal. If you were too ill then the onus was on you to say so.

No they shouldn't be waiting for you in the hospital car park, and I think expectations/boundaries do need to be set with them. Equally however, it's a bit cheeky to take advantage of the hospitality of both sets of parents when it suits you, but then put big restrictions on when they can see the baby.

Tourmalines · 30/01/2024 23:08

Communication between families goes both ways . Why are they the ones to always be expected to text you if you never text them . You make yourself sound superior to them because you are pregnant. And what do you mean about all these unexpected walk ins and entitlement over your baby ? You complain that they don’t text but have some perception that they will swamp you when baby is born . I think you are too precious.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 30/01/2024 23:19

Are you getting in touch with them and they are ignoring you? If not it doesn't sound like there's much in your OP that makes their behaviour unreasonable. Sure they could message you directly but they are checking in with your partner and asking after you through him. I also think it's quite normal for them to be keen to meet their new grandchild but you can ask your partner to make arrangements for them to visit baby.

KnowledgeableMomma · 31/01/2024 03:41

Maybe I am missing something? You lived close to his parents but now your mother cares for you 24/7. His grandmother texts weekly, his sisters are excited and buying baby things, and your MIL always asks about you when texting her son.

It seems like their family is definitely thinking about you and baby???

Your post says no one ask about you but your post also says they have many times. You say they want "all rights to your baby" but no where in your post have you given an example that they actually want this.

People DO come over to your house to see the precious new family member. It's just a thing that families do, a celebration of the new child. I think you are stressing over nothing, OP.

Wadermellone · 31/01/2024 03:56

Mil doesn’t mean she wants to meet the baby in the car park.

She means she will be waiting in the car park to come and see the baby when you are ready. It’s fairly normal for family to pop in while you are in hospital to see the baby. And it’s actually better than them coming to house soon after you get home.

How long would you like them to wait before seeing the baby? You don’t want them coming to your mums house.

I also don’t get the issue with you going to then 2 weeks after you were rushed to hospital. What were you rushed in for?

To be honest, you sound like you are expecting too much. Mil isn’t wrong for texting your dp. And it’s I wouldn’t expect my partners sisters to come visit me because I was pregnant.

I can’t believe the only reason you moved home is so your mother can care for you 24/7. That expectation is, I think, is really over the top. Did you move home for just for that? Do you work? Do you do anything around the home to help your mother?

You are talking about losing it, but I think that’s because you have entirely unreasonable expectations of how family should treat a pregnant woman. All you are going to do is cause massive issues between you, your partner and his family. These people are your child’s family. And I can’t really see much that they are doing wrong.

Popcorn23 · 31/01/2024 04:14

Lavenderosa · 30/01/2024 22:11

I sympathise and I think you might be having pre-baby anxiety as you're role playing in your head about situations that haven't even happened yet. Talk it over with your DH and Mum and come up with a post-baby plan for the first couple of weeks. It might make you feel more at ease about how to manage things eg the fact that you don't want your baby's photo on social media and you don't want impromptu visits. My in-laws made me anxious before my first child but you learn how to handle it, especially if your DH supports you.

This is really good advice. Have a plan in place - it will help you manage your anxiety about this.

MCOut · 31/01/2024 04:21

Did you all miss the part where she’s been rushed to the hospital multiple times? Of course OPs Mum is going to want to look after her. I highly doubt that she meant she gets waited on hand and foot and doesn’t lift so much as a fork.

Are you from a different culture by any chance OP? This all sounds fairly normal for a British family but in my culture it’s more normal for people to visit and communicate regularly. It’s not that they don’t care it might just be that they don’t want to overstep or they’re worrying about bombarding you especially given that you moved out to go to live with your Mum.

I am firm believer that the only person that can allow you to be pressured is yourself. Politely manage expectations before the birth and speak up when you are uncomfortable afterwards.

ElevenSeven · 31/01/2024 05:50

Why do you need to be cared for 24/7?

Wondered the same. Do you not work either then?

GreatGateauxsby · 31/01/2024 06:00

Agree it’s probably pregnancy anxiety /anxiety related.

I say this as someone who had it and insisted I did not 🤨

comms can go through your DH that’s fairly normal.

Just try and keep things chilled and remember it’s more people to love your baby…

SKG231 · 31/01/2024 06:02

Sounds like the perfect in law relationship to me 🤣 then care enough about you to ask your partner how you are but they aren’t constantly pestering you personally. Most women would love this!

considering you’ve said you’re living with your mother to be cared for 24.7 which I can’t imagine any person would like, it sounds like you have a different idea of how a “normal” family communicates etc.

fairo · 31/01/2024 06:04

Why does your mum look after you 24/7? Do you have additional needs?

fairo · 31/01/2024 06:05

Greenpolkadot · 30/01/2024 21:40

Why do you need to be cared for 24/7 ?
Your pregnant..not ill
What does your DH say about your mil waiting outside the hospital when you have the baby ?
Remember..it's up to you who visits..mum is priority

Edited

I was wondering if if OP had additional needs that meant she might need a nighttime carer

IrritatingIrritant · 31/01/2024 06:06

You sound a bit needy and all-consumed by your pregnancy. Do you have a job? Friends? Sounds like you need some distraction from obsessing over your partner’s family.

autienotnaughty · 31/01/2024 06:09

That all sounds really normal and they wouldn't visit at your mums especially if a, they have never met her and b, she is unwell/frail

They are staying in touch and want to see more of you. If you really do want them to visit you at your mums you need to invite them. And do you message them and they ignore you? Or are you expecting messages?

There may be a back story but based on what you said they sound fine.