Parents family distant during pregnancy but want to meet the baby ASAP

[Clem364]

AIBU - I have been with my partner for 4 years we are expecting our first child I am 7 months pregnant prior to this we were living in a summer house in his parents garden. Since being pregnant we have moved to my mothers house as she does not work and I am cared for 24/7 for some this may be much but I have an extremely good relationship with her! Since the move I haven’t heard much from my partners family apart from his grandma who sends me a text every week asking how I am ( not just the baby but me) I am close in age to both sisters they work in child care and as a nurse. I haven’t heard from either of them since we moved but when I have seen them briefly at family events they have exclaimed how excited they are to be anuties and how much stuff they are buying. My MIL only messages my partner to ask how I am. And on the odd occasion when WE decide to go and see them as they never ask to see us. It is constant awkward digs that we don’t see them anymore. MIL has said she will be waiting outside the hospital when little one is born. It’s starting to over whelm me I don’t want to be stood in a car park after giving birth to befit her. We have also had a lot of complications during pregnancy and I have been rushed to hospital a few times. His mum messaged him to ask if the baby was ok but didn’t ask him If I was or even pop me a text. We were expected to drive to them all over Christmas (2 weeks after I was rushed to hospital) eveyone was aware but didn’t ask if I was ok. This is a long post but in the long and short of it no one has bothered with me but expects all rights to my child when it arrives (they are a Facebook post 24/7 family) for context I hate social media and do not wish for my baby’s face to be uploaded. It seems like they will do anything for me in front of others but once the novelty wears off they can’t be bothered. And don’t actually care. I am worried about when the baby does arrive and I am pressured in to last minute walk ins at my house and entitlement over my baby. What can I do ? I might just lose it please help

If you don't want your baby's picture on social media everyone should respect that - your baby, your rules. Ask DP to make that clear to everyone.

Also, if you have clear ideas about when you want people to meet the baby then that's fine too and again DP should communicate that for you. You may be out of hospital hours after the birth or be in for a few days, how you feel at the time may change but if for now you want hi to manager people's expectations with a 'back off' message you should gently explain to him that this is what you need.

Re the in laws, I can understand why as a heavily pregnant woman you are feeling sensitive to this but I expect that they are just trying not to bug you. Don't take it to heart, once the baby is here I'd expect you will want to show him or her off and all will sort itself out. xx

Is there a reason you need caring for 24/7?

The whole situation sounds exhausting and a bit unhealthy. I'd want a bit of distance from both sides of the family. Do you get out of the house or work or do you have plans to get your own place? It sounds as if you're totally focused on the pregnancy and birth and don't have anything else going on.

A relative of mine has just had an extremely difficult pregnancy (hospitalisation, daily injections) but managed to get on with life and running her own business which probably helped as it gave her other things to think about.

On the whole pregnancies aren't very interesting for anyone else apart from the person who's pregnant. I don't think it's normal for other people to ask about it all the time.

I don’t think it’s weird. I think the fact I lived with them for 2 years. Moved away for pregnant and have not received 1 personal messaged from them ? But when I do see them they would act as if it’s my fault we don’t speak. As I said no one asks to see us we have to arrange around them

we Live with my family but prior to this before we moved back my family made sure we had dinner at their house once a week to keep contact with me and my partner.

There is no reason for me being cared for 24/7 my mother is a house wife/ home maker. Her husband provides everything this house needs. Me and my partner both contribute massively towards house payments/ car payments as well as child care for my younger siblings. It’s a 2 way relationship we get cheeper rent for helping out and providing. Mum just helps with cooking cleaning and washing I don’t believe it’s a big deal. We don’t do things for each other to have one up we do things for each other out of respect.

Hi yes, I have a very busy work schedule I work 5 days a week and do the dog weekend nights in a bar every now and then. I get out a lot but I’ll be honest I’m not a massively extroverted person

I have no problem with being messaged while I am in hospital. I have a problem with being told that I am going to be met in the car park of the hospital by my in-laws if the hospital doesn’t allow them in. I would call that harassment

I think you are having a meltdown. I think you are taking things people say literally and you are taking things personally. I genuinely can’t see the problem.

I don't understand why you lived with them before being pregnant and then moved out?
Or why your mum looks after you 24/7
But obviously they don't come and visit you, it's not your house, they would want to be invited.

I don't text my own family very often, let alone my in laws.
You seem very needy but don't want to be crowded

I wrote another comment about the “care 24/7” my mother doesn’t work she’s a home maker/ house wife she has no need to. She does things for me to make my life easier I don’t see this being a problem. I am currently looking after my child I don’t see why my mum can’t look after hers at the same time. My mum had 3 kids by the ages of 25 her choice of course but no one helped her. I think she is worried about leaving me stranded. PSA I do not take advantage of my mother I pay her eveymonth for doing laundry dinners as well as contribute to food and bills & help with child care.

So you aren't cared for 24/7 then?
What an odd thing to give as a reason.

Why wouldn't the hospital let your in laws in? Sounds like you may have suggested you would ask the hospital not to let them in and her response was I will have to wait in the car park.
That's really not that unusual. I did not want visitors either but I understood people's desire to want to visit.

they live 30 mins from my house. There work is 10 mins from my mothers house. I’m not expecting them to show up here of course not. But they post on socials that the family tend to meet up for coffee dates on lunch breaks at work and oginise it amongst them selves 10 minutes away from my house. Every time I take it apon myself to go and see them I am met with nasty comments that make me feel uncomfortable “you never see us”
“did you forget about us “ “you have your own life now” but then at the same time comment on my weight grab the fat above my bra strap “you’ve got big there “ the main post I wrote is only a small chunk on what’s happened

Your relationship with your family is very full on. Not many people would be happy as an adult living with their parent(s). I think you just have a different view and opinion to how “normal” families interact with each other. To me it just looks like your in laws are being respectful and not trying to be overbearing or smothering. They ask how you are through your husband which shows they care.

How does your partner feel about living with your parents? Id be miserable and so would DH. Sounds like you need to stand on your own two feet. You're having a baby soon and surely want your own space and time alone as a family. Also sounds like you're comparing the two families. Yours is too full on and maybe his isn't making enough effort. Somewhere in the middle would be fine. But it shouldn't all be on the ILs to make the effort either. Perfectly normal for them to ask about you through DP, also perfectly normal for them to want to meet their grandchild straight away. My family and ILs all came to the hospital with first DC. Remember your DC has 2 sets of grandparents and you need to treat them equally. Would you allow your own parents to the hospital? If so, dads family have that right too unless there were serious reasons to ban them. Which you dont sound like you have.

All sounds a bit much, from everyone.

But of course your MIL is excited to meet her grandchild. My PIL came to visit us in the hospital and it was lovely.

I have an excellent relationship with my in-laws, but they only communicate by phone/text with my husband, not me. Would not have expected constant texts asking how I am in pregnancy, in fact I would have found this pretty annoying and invasive. You may not like your PILs or SILs that much but they have actually expressed concern about you (albeit through your husband) and more importantly they are excited to be involved in your child's life. It would be very unreasonable to try to cut them off from your child just because you don't like them that much. Your child will benefit from a relationship with loving grandparents and aunties and should be allowed this opportunity.

However, you (or your partner) would certainly not be unreasonable to ask your MIL not to come to the hospital but to wait to see the baby at home when you're ready. However, it would be U to hold off letting her meet the baby for a long time.

The whole thing is exhausting. It’s clear you don’t like your in-laws and are trying to find any excuse to find something to moan about.
it sounds as though you really do need to stand on your own two feet at some point. There’s looking out for your adult children and then their is totally mollycoddling them

Do you think the world revolves around you because you’re pregnant? Have you bothered to message any of them? You’re pregnant you’re not dying. And the fact that your mother does absolutely everything for you 24/7 is telling that you are a bit spoiled and expect a lot from people. What do you do for these people? You should not expect anything from anyone, everyone has their own lives and I doubt your the top of anyone’s thoughts accept your husband and mums. You’re about to have your own family so concentrate on that and stop worrying about why no one cares about you and you will be a lot happier. Personally my brothers partner is the bottom of my list of priorities, she has her own family to worry about her.

I thank you to everyone that has put some reassuring messages underneath.
maybe I am being dramatic and sensitive.
I think my paragraph above doesn’t completely show the whole picture as to how I have been treated by my in laws and my relationship with my mother and why we don’t currently have our own space. But I’m more than happy to share. I feel like some of the comments under This post have been negative because I have a good support system and a lot of help. This doesn’t change the fact I am still a person and my feelings are valid and relative to me. Prior to meeting my partner I was in a really bad relationship and I got myself into a lot of debt. My partner’s already lived in the summer house prior to me meeting him ( it was build for him) as there are not enough rooms in their council house from a young age he lived in there. Only access to the water/toilet/kitchen is across the garden. When I moved in we both made huge contributions towards the rent (for context both of his parents drink and smoke a lot.
we gave them lifts paid for car MOTS all at the same trying to get our own life started with mortgages (we were clearing my debt and his oarents) if I had a bottle of wine in his room it was stolen by his parents and drunk my sanitary and wash items were also stolen alot by his sisters. I let this slide I am not a confrontational person and I was living in their house. Once I got pregnant it was no longer viable for me to walk across in the night to the house as winter is only now ending …..
instead of losing all progress of our mortage savings (we are half way) and renting my mother offered us to come home and she would help us.
my mum lives in 5 bed house with my 3 younger sisters and her husband. They are not well off but they live comfortably. I have never taken advantage of anyone in my life I have worked full time and always given my mum board (even when moved to the summer house as my bed and wardrobe was still occupying my room) before I was pregnant my parents would allow my partner to live in the house as I have younger sisters and they like to set heathy expectations of boyfriends in their house but now we are planning to have a baby this solidity’s our relationship enough for them I’m not arguing it’s their house their rules. My sisters 19/16/7 are well aware there are no boyfriends in the house over night. Pretty responsible I know. Even though my parents are comfortable they still have bills to pay. Me and my partner both contribute to wards bills food and toiletries. We always replace anything in the house we use the last of. Its commen respect. Maybe “care for 24/7” should be taken loser. My mum washes my clothes cooks my dinner and meal preps my lunches. I mean top woman I would say that’s a 27/4 job looking after 6 people as well as pets (again her choice to live that way) I work I have friends and I get out of the house.

1. yes I do message my in laws I am always the one to drive over and meet them I try and see them evey 2 weeks.
2. the last time I arrived at the house his sisters walked down the stairs didn’t say hello and left. (this is very common) sometimes they don’t come down stairs
3. The only time they will speak to me is at a public family event .. dinner out … birthday parties.
4. when we lived with the in-laws my family invited me and my partner round evey Sunday for dinner.

all in all I do all the driving I do all the messaging. mad I said perilously is grandma messages me once a week. I go and see her more than the rest of the family. Because we have a bond ( I am not incapable of making bonds with in-laws) I can prove that with my soon to be GIN. we saw them for 7-9 days we had off over Christmas. We don’t see them for new year as I was too tired and needed to spend time with my own family. I was told that I am selfish! And again that I don’t make enough effort. this pregnancy was unplanned of course looking at my financial situation this doesn’t mean I don’t love my growing baby any more than if it was planned. Soon to be MIL has told me that I have to bottle feed so she can have the baby 1 night a week. (I didn’t mention they drink heavily smoke also have early 20’s daughters) they also allow their girls to bring back men from clubs. You do you but I’d rather my infant was not around drinking smoking and random men 1 night a week. this really is the tip of the iceberg. I have been grabbed pinched and rubbed so many times I have told her I do not wish to be touched (due to my ex relationship) and we have never had the touch bond with her. I’m not asking for them to come to my mothers house. But I am never invited to the house. I have to arrange my vist myself. same goes for my partner.

All sounds unnecessarily dramatic. Just go about your life, your boyfriends relatives are for him to communicate with.

How long are you planning on staying at your parents?

The idea of an adult woman, who is starting her own family having her clothes washed and a packed lunch made sounds ridiculous to me.

Whatever you do don't go back to your in laws - they sound awful, but i do think it's time you started standing on your own feet.

Uh, move under your own roof.

Invite them around for tea now and then.

This is all way more complicated than it needs to be.

By the time baby is here we plan to leave after 2 months we don’t have long left ✌️

@NoCloudsAllowed uh spare me another 5K and I will … my life is won’t be complicated anymore 🥰 thanks x