Parents family distant during pregnancy but want to meet the baby ASAP

[Clem364]

AIBU - I have been with my partner for 4 years we are expecting our first child I am 7 months pregnant prior to this we were living in a summer house in his parents garden. Since being pregnant we have moved to my mothers house as she does not work and I am cared for 24/7 for some this may be much but I have an extremely good relationship with her! Since the move I haven’t heard much from my partners family apart from his grandma who sends me a text every week asking how I am ( not just the baby but me) I am close in age to both sisters they work in child care and as a nurse. I haven’t heard from either of them since we moved but when I have seen them briefly at family events they have exclaimed how excited they are to be anuties and how much stuff they are buying. My MIL only messages my partner to ask how I am. And on the odd occasion when WE decide to go and see them as they never ask to see us. It is constant awkward digs that we don’t see them anymore. MIL has said she will be waiting outside the hospital when little one is born. It’s starting to over whelm me I don’t want to be stood in a car park after giving birth to befit her. We have also had a lot of complications during pregnancy and I have been rushed to hospital a few times. His mum messaged him to ask if the baby was ok but didn’t ask him If I was or even pop me a text. We were expected to drive to them all over Christmas (2 weeks after I was rushed to hospital) eveyone was aware but didn’t ask if I was ok. This is a long post but in the long and short of it no one has bothered with me but expects all rights to my child when it arrives (they are a Facebook post 24/7 family) for context I hate social media and do not wish for my baby’s face to be uploaded. It seems like they will do anything for me in front of others but once the novelty wears off they can’t be bothered. And don’t actually care. I am worried about when the baby does arrive and I am pressured in to last minute walk ins at my house and entitlement over my baby. What can I do ? I might just lose it please help

It does sound like you just want to vent because you’ve got extremely defensive to responses and you clearly will not even contemplate you may be slightly wrong in any part of the posts. It’s fine to rant if that’s what you want to do but you also have to understand that not everything you do is the right/best way. Other people have lives too. It’s clear you don’t like your in laws so why you are so so desperate to be invited/visited is a hypocritical to be fair. Maybe it’s hormones raging?

So stop inviting yourself to people homes?
You can’t keep on chatting with people you don’t like, and acting surprised when they perform behaviour that you don’t like, over and over.

I would like to post a bit of a sulky Suzan moment she had recently to give you more insite. On our most recent vist my mum has been planning our baby shower. We have invited his whole family … even distant cousins as I would not like to leave anyone out. My mum has been planning this for 4 months. Baby shower is to take place soon. She has told us she will not be attending and would like to host her own baby shower. Separate from my family. I am expected to make an appearance and be available of the day she chooses if not they will be celebrating my baby’s baby shower without the attendance of said baby 😂
more than happy to segregate my family but “would be delighted to be alongside my mum at the baby’s birth” I have told her that I am only allowed 2 birthing partners (as I didn’t want her hurt her feelings) but has insisted that I speak with my midwife on them making the exception for her. This is where I will wait in the car park came from as I politely declined
So please tell me I being weird.

@C00k
great advice I’ll just lose all contact with them, then allow them in my home with my baby as and when they please once baby arrives 👍🏻 wicked plan.
no …. I would rather have some communication with people that are expecting to have a relationship with my child. I am not handing it off without it x

Obviously just behave in a normal manner and arrange contact as and when you want. Your boyfriend can sort it, it’s really a non-issue.
👍

@C00k
please enlighten me all knowing being.
I have asked for advice and you are just projecting without offering any substance.
what have been my actions to make me behave in an un normal manner and not arrange contact as and when I want it. I have done nothing but.
I always text in before I leave I always go when it suits me. Me and partner make all effort.
seems like effort only wants to be made on their side once baby arrives. doesn’t quite cut it for me.
you can’t just pop in and out of our lives when it suits you.

@Noglitterallowed
100% hormones are taking over. But I have given it almost all of my pregnancy before seeking advice. At the end of the day they are my child’s family which makes them my family in a sense.
I am not a vessel or a birthing unit for their grandchild I am a human being. The fact they have no time to pop me a text when I drive to see them every 2 weeks. But when the baby comes they will have all the time in the world seems a little bit odd don’t you think ? All of a sudden they will have afternoons free (expected I take the child to them) they have weekends free (expected I will take the child to them) which I would more than happy to do ! But why can’t they free a weekend up now ? To have dinner with me and my partner why can’t they free up an afternoon now to grab a coffee and ask how the baby is doing or how I am feeling ?
maybe I am being pedantic or maybe they don’t like me ?
eveyone has stuff going on but as I said they post on FB 24/7 they regularly go out for family meals (we don’t get invited) they regularly all meet up for a coffee (we don’t get invited)
me and my partner are not invited to anything
yet we are expect to have invited her to the birth …. The hospital…. Bring the baby to her once it’s born. … bottle feed so she can have it once a week

'all knowing being'? Try to not be rude to people engaging in your incoherent rantings.
Just stop indulging in drama, there's no need for any of it. Stop all of it.

It seems to me that you're more bothered about all this than your partner? It's his family to deal with - let him deal with them and chill out. If you don't want to drive to them then don't. If you don't want them in the car park at the hospital then don't tell them you're there. It really is quite simple and you don't need to be this stressed about it.

@C00k
what would you expect back from an incoherent person.
the only person indulging is yourself.
I have asked for advice you have given 0%
thankyou next x

@SpicyMargaritaPlease thankyou x

You have every right to feed how you want and see people straight after or not if you want to but you need to tell them. I think the problem with your post is as soon as you got replies you didn’t like you got very defensive and then kept adding and adding and adding so it comes across quite bitter

Sorry op but it sounds like you have a lot of growing up to do. You don’t need cared for 24/7 , don’t need your mum infantilising you just because she likes to look after everyone. You are going to be a parent soon and that requires a degree of selflessness.

@Noglitterallowed thankyou.
not making an excuse but I do believe some of the comments were unwarranted I asked for advice on how I feel and how to deal with my emotions and create a safe space. A lot of comments didn’t cover that instead came for my “strange” family dynamic and the roof I chose to live under. Which is nothing to do with my partners family. As well as name calling. I thought it was a website that would be a group women that would share a similar experience or tell me I am wrong and offer advice on ways to deal with this. I have had a lot of positive messages from people like you and others to say that I am in the wrong … but here’d what I can do to resolve. And not bitchy snide remarks with no solution.

Hey, I wrote some more replies similar to this one. Cared for 24/7 was to be take loosely. Just because my mum cooks and does laundry for me (paid of course) that means my partners family should completely disregard us until the baby arrives ?
genuine question

Some of the comments ere are terrible! If my 22 year old daughter was 7 months pregnant, working, living with me I would be looking after her too - especially if looking after the rest f the family anyway but I would do irrespective of that - anxious new mums need looking after.

OP, personally I would definitely breastfeed even if just so you have the excuse why you are not handing your baby over for a night each week. Though you shouldn't have to make excuses. No way should a newborn be in a house with smokers in any case.

It sounds to me like you are making too much effort with the in laws and need to focus your efforts on your own little family of three. Put the onus on them to travel to you, when the baby is here you will have your hands full and shouldn't waste your precious time with a new baby driving round to see people who aren't respecting your boundaries.

I do thing your partner needs to man up here and manage his parents better.

Sounds like you are trying to rip your partner and his family apart
make an effort invite them all over for dinner .
enjoy having them in your life

@Mazpaz
i am really trying my best to keep a relationship between him and them as well as me. I’m failing to understand how I am trying to rip their family apart?

I live at my parents house I can’t host 5 of them here for dinner while I am 7 months pregnant ….
we did invite them to the baby shower here and they do not wish to attend with my family and have exclaimed they will be having their own baby shower.

Thankyou x
care 24/7 was not me saying I don’t lift a finger.
but my mum is always on hand 24/7 for emotional support.
some people clearly find it weird and act as if I am moddycoddled which is not the case. Just because she is there doesn’t make her a suck up trust me she will always be the first person to tell me I am being a bitch or to pack it in and think about others. She runs the house like a prison yard and keeps everyone in check. But at the same time offers a safe space for everyone to share how they feel. I never feel dictated to by my mum. Our house is and open forum so I’m always preped for some home truths you get honest advice back but never told what to do.

maybe partners mum likes control and has always told her children what to do … I am not her child and I won’t be spoken to like one!!

im finding it hard to articulate my self with out being to light or going all in x

Yep

You clearly think they are bad people. And they sound like it from your description. Alcoholics, who steal alcohol, expect to smoke around you and the baby, grabbing at you and so on.

But tbh, as I said, something isn’t quite right. Someone whose issue is that their in laws are terrible don’t usually start with ‘they don’t text me enough’. The escalation of their behaviour seems to have come along when not everyone agreed.

The additions to ‘24/7’ came along when not everyone agreed, that this was a healthy relationship to have.

Have you ever lived not with yours or your partner parents? As I said, you describe terrible living conditions. But your mum only inviting go you home once you were pregnant. Did you not see that as her only caring about the grandchild and not you?

My point is, why are trying to have a relationship with people you obviously don’t like and think are harassing you whilst also not contacting you enough.

Let your dp deal with them and communicate the boundaries you both decide on

Agree. It sounds like she loves being at home with.mum. .being pampered and 'looked after 24/7 '
Your not the only one who's had a baby op.

I mean the additions came with caring 24/7 people thought that I was terminally ill and my mum wipes my bum and shaves my legs & spoon feeds me. She cares for me emotionally 24/7 and sometimes physically. By cooking me dinner along with everyone else in the house.

yes they drink yes they steel does that mean I should cut completely cut them off ? They smoke outside not around me or the baby but they smell of smoke.

I have posted another note explaining that me and my partner we here financially trying to get ourselves in a good position to get a mortgage instead of rent. My parents wouldn’t allow my partner stay prior to me getting pregnant as I have younger teenage siblings (my mum believes there should be no boyfriends over night) but now we are starting a family it solidifies our relationship. The summer house we were in was built for my partner when he was young as there were not enough rooms in their house it has no access to water kitchen or bathroom we had to use the main house my parent didn’t want me walking across the garden in winter while pregnant to go toilet.

to say my mum has only let me move back to have more rights to the baby is fine! The difference is she’s supported the pregnancy so yes I am more inclined to allow her more time with the baby.
my partners family has not bothered but expect to have just as much time with the baby as my mum does ….. my mum acts like family. These people act like strangers.

I’ve asked for advice on what I should do and I feel penalised … so do I break all communication but then allow them to see the baby at the drop of a hat ? Do I carry on as per usual making effort then Once baby arrives leave it down to them ?
or do I cut off all communication then when the baby is born keep the energy they did through my pregnancy.

i don’t need to be told what think! as you see so clearly your right I don’t like them. Doesn’t make them my baby’s grandparents any less.

your asking me why are trying to have a relationship with people i obviously don’t like as above again.

they don’t message me no …. But she has said if she can’t be at the birth she will come to the hospital I said no thanks and she said she will wait in the car park. How do I make my boundaries any more clear ?

@Greenpolkadot
quite funny really,I mean I am having my first baby.
it’s even my first day being this old.
so to me yes this is very new !! I have lost baby’s in the past. I wouldn’t call my mum caring for me 24/7 pampering. I work 2 jobs. But she does drop in to wipe my bum and feed me my lunch 😇 some mornings I get the old girl up at 5 am to brush my teeth 🙂 got to get my money’s worth ;)
you sound bitter

@Greenpolkadot
A lot of the comments are really funny about my mum. I have 100% triggered the green eyed monster in a lot of you 😂
if you don’t have a mum like mine it’s not my fault please don’t project your bitterness/jealousy on me and tell me I need to grow up.

just because you had to do it on your own doesn’t mean I have to.

im not any less of a prize mum like YOU of course because I have accepted help.

this isn’t a competition on who’s had to struggle more