DH always planning trips/night out with his mates

[ParrotCatDog]

Am i being unreasonable here?

DH and i both work full time and have separate money. im happy for him to have a social life but i feel this is just taking the piss. Our set up is living together with children school age.

He seems to be out every weekend either to watch sport/drinks with mates local/overnights and weekends away with mates. Always planning and saving for this.

what gets me is theres no mention of family days out/trips/summer holidays. He always skint and often doesn’t pay equally into the bills account.

because hes always out his weekends tends to look like this;
gets home friday night, goes for drinks with a mate (2 drinks early), sits drinking rest of the night, bed
saturday, lies in bed to late morning, gets up showers, packs bag and out the door
sunday, home at lunchtime or just after (sometimes will ho for lunch on way home), hungover and grumpy, says cba to do anything so either goes to bed for a few hours or sits watching sport and drinking to bed time

meanwhile im running the household, food shopping, kids entertainment, lifts, washing etc

im a mug arent i?

when i raise this, he tells me he helps but he does the bear minimum

Yes, he is absolutely making a mug of you. You need to be doing house and child care 50/50 on the weekends to rebalance this. I would start planning some trips of your own and put them in the diary early.

He’s talking the piss and acting like he’s single.

Im all for separate interests and friends but not at the expense of family life and its needs to work both ways.

Do you have nights out as well?

Yeah he sure is taking you for a mug. Married but also living the single life. Imagine what would happen if you decided to do the same thing. He thinks the kids and house are your responsibility. I'd tell him it's 50/50 or divorce.

This isn't a marriage or any kind of partnership. He sounds utterly uselss as a husband and father. Does he contribute anything at all?

Ideally this should have been nipped in the bud after your first child was born, realistically it's going to be hard to enforce it now you've allow it for such a long time.

But for me, it would be step up or get out territory. Be prepared though, he doesn't sound like a keen father or partner so he likely will need to go...

Why OP are you acting like his mum not his wife? He’s not part of your family life just a bystander - financially and emotionally
I think you need to have a serious conversation with him and stop being so passive. When do you get to see your friends , go shopping minus kids etc , go for a drink?
Its a terrible example for your kids .
Whether you do this by leaving him a note and the kids to say your having the day off I don’t know, but doing nothing is a very lonely bitter path x

Yes you're being a mug!

I do raise this with him, especially the not paying his full share often. When i say his money all goes on drinking/going out he says i should also go out, which i could yes, except im constantly saving for days out with kids/birthdays/holidays/christmas. If i dont cover these, generally he doesn’t have the money on time and owes it back to me the following month. What also annoys me is he claims hes skint and he wont have enough until the end of the month but then he comes home with a bag of beers/wine 😡

yes i feel full of resentment and so lonely. We dont have sex (my choice) but share a bed

im thinking, after years of this, divorce is looking the better option

You have married yourself a cocklodger there.

Without mentioning it, pack a bag Friday, as soon as he arrives home, breezily announce, my turn and don't return until Sunday late afternoon. Go to your parents/sister/friend/premier inn.

When he complains, this will be your perfect opening to have a conversation. Make sure you jot down your points and expectations. His response will be all you need to know.

The fact that you have to ask is worrying.

It's bad enough that he isn't paying 50:50 but the fact that the reason he can't is because he is spending it on his own jollies is outrageous!

From your OP it sounds like he is an alcoholic, depressed, not wanting to be a father/family man. Even that he thinks if he behaves badly enough you will want to split up and he won't have to make the move.

First thing you have to believe in yourself that you are in the right here and he is behaving atrociously.

Second, have another talk, not when he's drunk or hungover. Is there any time like this? Ask him if he wants to remain in this house/marriage? Take it from there.

You have to ask?! It's said too often here but in this case true, you'd be better off without him!

He sounds worse and worse. Your life would be better if you divorce him and claim maintenance. Don't expect him to see his children though.

It doesn’t sound like he even cares very much for you. If he valued you he would ensure the bills were not just being covered by you, he would check with you about plans in case you had something going on, he would want to plan things to do with his family. If he’s always been like this then he’s unlikely to change. I would say give an ultimatum and stick to it - if he won’t/can’t then you know there’s no future.

He's an alcoholic, you don't want to have sex with him and you are parenting on your own.

What is the point of him being in the house at all?

Are you absolutely sure he’s with his friends every weekend and not living a double life?

That might sound dramatic but it’s not out of the realms of possibility he’s spending weekends with another woman.

Helps!? Helps!? That suggests it’s actually all your job. Which is bollocks. He should be parenting and husbanding but in fact he’s taking the piss and living like he’s single. You’re doing your job and his job.

And, btw: he’s not doing even the bare minimum because that would involve being around at weekends and getting up with your children. And providing proper financial support. That would be the absolute bare minimum. Instead he’s doing fuck all. He is a very poor quality father and a very poor quality husband.

And he is your children’s role model for how a father and a husband behaves. Do you want them to grow up thinking this is okay?

Did he by chance grow up with no father or a very distant and useless father? A good friend of mine married a man who’d been raised by an extremely capable single mother with no caring male role model. Fortunately, she’d grown up with a very involved father. Once they had children, she found she had to educate her husband in no uncertain terms as to what was required of him. No doubt his mother would have expected that of him, too, but without the role model, he didn’t have the instinct for it. Fortunately he took this all on board and is a very involved father.

Nor sure there’s the same hope for your DH but perhaps if you make clear that this behaviour is a dealbreaker, this can be turned around (though the fact he’s not even providing properly financially is a very bad sign).

I agree with this.

One day a week should be family day where you all spend time together, preferably out of the house.

Well he may be an alcoholic but to me he does not sound depressed. He is living his best life going out and away with a housekeeper to keep the kids and home running well. Time to have a big conversation, make changes or split up i think.

Yes. Why do you let him?

You are defo being taken for a mug, big time.

He is behaving like a (selfish) bachelor with benefits.

How long will you put up with this sh*t? What’s your plan?

You know what you need to do. Stop wasting your life.

A looked after pampered adult with sex on tap? Why would he want to change that set up OP?

Set a rocket up his arse man, tell him if he wants to live as a single man he can go live somewhere else and do it.

@ParrotCatDog why is he not your EX??????

I know, hes living the life of reilly! Ive given him far too many chances and unfortunately my patience is wearing thin. He is a daily drinker (he argues he isnt but he is). I know hes with mates on these weekends away as i know who he goes with. Like last night we went for a meal for mutual friends birthday. Hes sat there planning a trip with his mate (who doesn’t have kids) to a different country. Leaves a bitter taste in my mouth

re me going out, i do but the odd night here/there. Harder for mums to do this. He tells me ive no friends, im boring because i dont do anything?! 🤷🏻‍♀️ im not a massive drinker, id rather not if im honest but then im his taxi if we go out together and then i want to leave and hes always - one more drink (or purchases another drink from the bar even though he knows i want to go)

I don't think he likes you. And I don't know why you like him?

I would book an appt with a solicitor and get free.