DH always planning trips/night out with his mates

[ParrotCatDog]

Am i being unreasonable here?

DH and i both work full time and have separate money. im happy for him to have a social life but i feel this is just taking the piss. Our set up is living together with children school age.

He seems to be out every weekend either to watch sport/drinks with mates local/overnights and weekends away with mates. Always planning and saving for this.

what gets me is theres no mention of family days out/trips/summer holidays. He always skint and often doesn’t pay equally into the bills account.

because hes always out his weekends tends to look like this;
gets home friday night, goes for drinks with a mate (2 drinks early), sits drinking rest of the night, bed
saturday, lies in bed to late morning, gets up showers, packs bag and out the door
sunday, home at lunchtime or just after (sometimes will ho for lunch on way home), hungover and grumpy, says cba to do anything so either goes to bed for a few hours or sits watching sport and drinking to bed time

meanwhile im running the household, food shopping, kids entertainment, lifts, washing etc

im a mug arent i?

when i raise this, he tells me he helps but he does the bear minimum

He is MAKING you boring. He is stealing your free time as well as your money. You could be using that to maintain your friendships. You are being forced to be nothing but a mother.
He should be supporting you to build your social life back up after having children. How can he not see what he is doing to you?

You might as well divorce, you'd be better off in the long run as you are actually funding his lifestyle. As you are married it's all family money legally, so you might think you are financially independent, but you are not in reality. You are effectively subsidising all his beers , nights out and trips away.
Given there is no intimacy, and he is not even interested in his own DC's, I think you will find that the only reason he sticks around is because you fund him and keep the house running without him lifting a finger.
Give him the shock he deserves. After divorce, he will either have to put 50/50 in with his DC's, or he will have to pay you maintenance. So you have nothing to lose, but his life will change drastically, and that is just what he deserves after majorly taking it all for granted.

OP, I'm so sorry, I was in the same situation, my ex only used to come alive on Wednesday when he would start excitedly making plans for nights out Friday and Saturday with his friends. He was a hungover grumpy mess all of Sunday and never wanted to go anywhere or spend time with the kids. I was told I could go out any time I wanted and I was boring and dull and controlling for trying to stop him having fun with his friends. It is only now looking back that I can see that he has a sour face on all our photos from family days out. He ended up meeting someone exciting and 'bubbly' on one of these nights out. You are not on the same page I'm afraid.

He sounds incredibly selfish and utterly useless, OP. And also like he really doesn’t like you. Separation is serious so you should probably have a final attempt at persuading him that he needs to step up but it sounds like you probably need to be making plans to end your marriage.

You’re no longer sexually intimate in any case. Celibacy in marriage can work when it’s what both parties have chosen but imposed unilaterally (unless for health reasons), it’s often a death knell.

Yes, you're a mug, need to chat with him and agree a fairer situation. If he thinks you're out of order/in the wrong, you're not, it's a massive flapping Red Flag.

I just cannot stand to have sex with him. How can you be intimate with someone who always smells of alcohol at night/morning? I tend to be knackered come bedtime, i just cba with it anymore. Its like an extra chore. When we did have sex, he would get me to promise we would have sex that day, if when it came to it, i didnt want to, he would get angry, shout at me, pull the covers off the bed, slam around the house, put music on loud whilst continuing to drink and swear. In the end i either agreed to, even though i didnt want it. Then i thought that was ridiculous so said no, no more sorry. Idk if hes getting it elsewhere? Hes said to me i must be getting it somewhere thats why i dont want it with him! But, yeah like ive got time and everywhere i go, the kids are in tow 🤦🏻‍♀️

he is so selfish, he goes out with the lads doing stuff he could be doing with his kids eg going to football/go karting etc.

i pull him up on it, promises of change but nothing happens. Im sick of the cycle

The more you talk about him OP the more useless he sounds.
Do you own a home together or do you rent, if so whose on the tenancy agreement? Are you married ?
Firstly your finances need addressing. He needs to be paying equally for his children this is not something that you should be shouldering alone.
What is going out of the joint account that’s for his sole benefit , if there is anything cancel it and get him to pay for it from his own money ie gym membership .
If he won’t and continues prioritises drink and mate breaks I can’t see a happy future for your family.
You deserve better than this OP x

See a solicitor to find out where you stand if you divorce, then give him a final chance.

Your life sounds miserable. And he’s a crap father.

There's just no point in continuing the relationship, OP. He's a lazy, entitled, selfish alcoholic who disgusts you.

Have a think about next steps. Do you have a mortgage or pay rent?

He's got plenty of friends, it seems, so if you do kick him out he'll have somewhere to go to.

Yes, you are a mug.

Why is it harder for mums to go out? It shouldn’t be, not if the dad is a decent and equal parent

He is contributing nothing beneficial to your life , not emotionally, physically or financially. Please get rid , you only live once .

Do you cook for him? Why
do you do his washing? Why

why would you stay him with?

im his taxi if we go out together and then i want to leave and hes always - one more drink (or purchases another drink from the bar even though he knows i want to go)

So. Leave him to it. Just go when you want to and leave him to sort himself out.

You sound more like his mother than partner.

There isn't one reason to stay with him. What's he showing his children?

Start making plans and follow them through

Not sure that's the main issue

She's living with a selfish alcoholic

You sound more like his mother than partner.

yes i agree. I need a fresh start

No its not hard for me to go out. What i mean by this is, its harder for mums to get together in general without the kids to let our hair down. Mums are the caregiver so it has to be a date were all free

How much is he drinking? He could have a dependency behind this behaviour

We rent currently. We have a good amount saved that can be split and will see us both right into the next property. Im hoping to buy

i feel like im in limbo here at the moment. I do want to split up and day dream about this. He is not going to go easily. He very much relies on me for a lot of stuff eg sorting bills etc. hes going to have a rude awakening

He drinks pretty much daily (maybe one day off a week). 4 pack at night, 6 beers Fri/Sat/Sun and possibly more/wine too (if hes at home) more if he is out

What would happen if on his pay day you say I need £xx from you for the bills?

I do, i make sure he pays but sometimes he will say he is short this month due to xyz and can he pay me £100 next month. Ive been too lax on this i know 🫤

Is xyz the nights/weekend trips with mates? Or paying for unexpected car breakdown/other necessary expense?

If so you know the answer. Family bills come first. Not mates trips, alcohol, his unnecessary friviolities.