DH always planning trips/night out with his mates

[ParrotCatDog]

Am i being unreasonable here?

DH and i both work full time and have separate money. im happy for him to have a social life but i feel this is just taking the piss. Our set up is living together with children school age.

He seems to be out every weekend either to watch sport/drinks with mates local/overnights and weekends away with mates. Always planning and saving for this.

what gets me is theres no mention of family days out/trips/summer holidays. He always skint and often doesn’t pay equally into the bills account.

because hes always out his weekends tends to look like this;
gets home friday night, goes for drinks with a mate (2 drinks early), sits drinking rest of the night, bed
saturday, lies in bed to late morning, gets up showers, packs bag and out the door
sunday, home at lunchtime or just after (sometimes will ho for lunch on way home), hungover and grumpy, says cba to do anything so either goes to bed for a few hours or sits watching sport and drinking to bed time

meanwhile im running the household, food shopping, kids entertainment, lifts, washing etc

im a mug arent i?

when i raise this, he tells me he helps but he does the bear minimum

You seem to have an extra child. Was that your plan?. If not, I suggest the following:
Tell him this isn’t working for you. Today. And mean it. He is disrespectful, rude and selfish. That is honestly about as attractive as the clap. So tell him that. I don’t think he has ever seen the assertive side of you? Time to find it op, if not for you, for your DC. Tell him you ARE separating and you expect him to do 50% child care. Watch him shit himself (he will never do that) use his fear to get the best settlement you can for you and DC, then get rid of the lazy, cock lodging Wanker. Don’t expect him to step up and actually be a parent - he won’t, all the parenting will fall to you moving forward, but it does now, so what really changes? Other than you will be free of this man baby, entitled thundercunt who is making your life harder?

He is a husband and father. He is not doing you a favour by looking after his own kids or doing a few chores, or paying half the bills. You both need a rocket up your backsides. Him for thinking his family is secondary to his social life. You for accepting this attitude.

Ok, i seized the moment and had a word earlier. Its been the elephant in the room for a long time. Ive said i wanted to split up. He kind of laughed as if he didnt take me seriously. He asked why and really just sat there (beer in his hand) turning everything i brought up round to be me and my issues.

drinking- he said he drinks because he can and helps him unwind, hes an adult, doesn’t have a problem, drinks no more than Dave down the pub. Because i barely drink, im seeing his drinking as a problem.

money/nights away- he said hes allowed to go out with his mates. He works full time. I need to get out more myself apparently, hes not stopping me, but again ive no friends and im boring because i dont go out and get hammed like im 18 anymore. Moneys tight for him, if he doesn’t get his bonus that month then his standard wage is crap. Well that standard wage is the same as im on annually and i think its fairly good £35k. He can earn up to £42k with bonuses. yes hes going to try to be better with money but im clearly a great saver hes not as organised as me 🙄

that was as far as we got because he then conveniently had to go loo. I feel like i didnt get anywhere, hes not listed

Well the divorce papers and the end of tenancy letter might get through?

As of now, stop washing, cooking, cleaning or anything else for him

Go through your day for you and the DC as though he's not there.

would asking him to move out by end of Feb be too soon? He has money to set himself up in his own rental/could move in with family. I just want to move on. Ive just had the whole- i just love you, i dont want to end it and split up, why am i doing this, im breaking up his family, he will make changed. I just kept repeating that its over for me. Feel a right cow now

Yep that’s fine

HE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY

Get rid op
save yourself now

He totally dismissed you. A wave of the hand - doesn't want to hear it.

Wave bye bye. End of Feb is generous.

If he's got family to stay with then I'd get the day off work tomorrow, pack his bags when he's at work then let him know his things are on the doorstep waiting for him.

He'll work his way out of the drinking being an issue and he can talk about how you can have friends and nights out too but there's a fundamental principle he's missing and you can stick to...

Every weekend he chooses to spend his time with other people. That's it. He doesn't spend weekend nights with you and doesn't spend the days with his family. He's choosing other things. So if he doesn't want to be part of family life then don't be.

You don't need the permission of a financially, emotionally and sexually abusive man to end your relationship with him. Do you recognise that he is abusive, in all these ways? Be careful, because leaving is statistically the most dangerous time. Ring Women's Aid, they can help you to form a safety plan. You don't deserve to live like this (no one does).

Stay strong OP. He's the one who has broken up the family with his unreasonable behaviour. Not you.

Fuck sake, don’t feel bad. This cunt you’re married to should be feeling bad. He’s appalling. You do everything and pay for everything. He’s a complete failure.

That you have children and he behaves this way is frankly, shocking.

I’d want him gone by next weekend, fuck the end of February.

He thinks he’s a single man!
He’s a selfish twat! You sound like a lovely Mum, who is putting your family first. You deserve so much better.
Children grow up so fast and there is so much fun in those years and memories to be made.

Do you think hes abusive? I might sound like a plonker but Ive never thought about it like that really. Ive just always put up with it, painting a smile on and making excuses for him

His behaviour is extremely poor. He’s lazy, useless and selfish as a husband and a father. You feel like a cow because you’re not used to asserting yourself and sticking to it. You are doing absolutely the right thing but it will feel uncomfortable to you because you’re so used to letting him have his way. He doesn’t care, OP, and he’s a shocking example to your DCs. They will grow up thinking dads do nothing and repeat this in their relationships. Don’t excuse it - don’t tolerate it any more.

Of course he is

Get rid now.

Take it from one who knows. This marriage is dead in the water. He is not a decent husband or father, and never will be.

You will be far, far happier without this albatross round your neck.

Be careful with your savings - has he access to them ?

What a waste of space he is.

Why wait until the end of Feb. You've made the decision to separate. You don't need his agreement. Just put the wheels in motion.

That said, ensure your money, savings, pension etc is all safe. I suspect he'll play dirty so you need to be prepared.

He's a poor partner and a poor parent. You deserve better and so do your DC.

Echoing what's said above about making sure your own money etc secure.

Please go to a solicitor who is good at getting what wives need and are owed - the money you spend on this will be worth it eventually.

You deserve better than being stuck with this alcohol dependent, selfish man-child. Don't let him persuade you that it's your fault or that he'll change. Good luck!

Thank you for all comments. Im determined to have him gone by end of feb. Im going to go straight into applying for a divorce. Ive thought about this situation so much over the past year and ive not changed my mind/hes done nothing to change his drinking etc. i know im doing the right thing, thanks for confirming that 👍

Well done OP change is hard but staying with this man is harder.
BOOK an appointment with a divorce solicitor and citizens advice. You need to know your legal rights , custody housing , financial entitlement. They can help re tenancy , division of money - take all the information with you.
I would be very careful with any joint bank account would he empty it ?

I think you need to change your mindset about giving him money. He is not taking money from you but literally food from your kids mouths, he’s taking away holidays etc all because he wants to drink.

Stop doing his cooking washing etc and move him out of your bed. Don’t let him be comfortable. This is the consequence of his abuse and neglect.

Talk to someone you trust who can support you. They will probably be amazed you didn’t do it years ago

Ah ok, I didn’t realise you meant a group of mums. But I think my point still stands, if the husbands/boyfriends of the other mums are decent parents it shouldn’t be any harder for those mums to meet than it should be for dads to meet (I get it would be different for single parents). However, I do get in reality it often isn’t that simple!

How are you today OP ? X