DH always planning trips/night out with his mates

[ParrotCatDog]

Am i being unreasonable here?

DH and i both work full time and have separate money. im happy for him to have a social life but i feel this is just taking the piss. Our set up is living together with children school age.

He seems to be out every weekend either to watch sport/drinks with mates local/overnights and weekends away with mates. Always planning and saving for this.

what gets me is theres no mention of family days out/trips/summer holidays. He always skint and often doesn’t pay equally into the bills account.

because hes always out his weekends tends to look like this;
gets home friday night, goes for drinks with a mate (2 drinks early), sits drinking rest of the night, bed
saturday, lies in bed to late morning, gets up showers, packs bag and out the door
sunday, home at lunchtime or just after (sometimes will ho for lunch on way home), hungover and grumpy, says cba to do anything so either goes to bed for a few hours or sits watching sport and drinking to bed time

meanwhile im running the household, food shopping, kids entertainment, lifts, washing etc

im a mug arent i?

when i raise this, he tells me he helps but he does the bear minimum

Oh and another thing these abusive men hold against you is 50/50. Fortunately men like this commonly don’t follow though. My ex husband has never had the children overnight.

I don’t understand why you say you don’t want to see a solicitor OP. He’s abusive and manipulative.
Why are you reluctant?

You are doing the right thing in splitting, but be careful. He might turn really nasty when he realises you are serious.

When does your tenancy end? Do you have somewhere you and DC could go to be safe if it came to it?

But what more will i get? He wont be able to do 50:50 with kids, and as long as child maintenance is paid, savings are already halved, we keep own pensions.

i might end up using a solicitor further down the line but i doubt he will put up much of a fight

It can take a while for your divorce to come through. At the very least, you must, as a matter of urgency, make a will leaving your assets in trust for your children and naming responsible, trustworthy adults as trustees. You must also name guardians for your children. If anything hapoens to you between now and the divorce being finalised, and you haven't got this in place, he will get everything. Take out a life insurance policy naming your children and name them as your pension beneficiaries too.
If you haven't done all of this, you need to see a solicitir asap.

He's a loser and I don't see why you are with him. LTB. Aim higher and set a good example for your children

If you're having the kids most of the time take more of the savings. You need to be thinking of you as a family unit rather than as an individual. So finances should be more like 80:20 than 50:50.

Your housing needs for you and your children as their primary residence are greater than his will be for weekend visits. So you and your children combined should have more than 50% of the family savings.

I can see why you would walk away with just 50% to avoid too much conflict but you should at least consult a solicitor to make sure you aren't missing anything important.

Yes you are right and something that needs consideration

A solicitor can advice on things like a legal separation - it was invaluable to my mum, ending tenancy , wills buying new home as well as dividing assets . You can get a free half hour consultation to steer you in the right direction OP.
Your H is manipulative and does gaslight you. Knowing your rights just seems wise

Just to add and log, he came home late morning and i popped out ten mins, heres me running round doing washing/playing with kids/cleaning and he opens a beer at 1pm and watching tv 🤬 this will be him for the rest of the day - to bedtime, i pointed out it was only 1pm and why was he drinking? so i thought it perfect time to drop the divorce conversation, told him id completed it and ready to submit. He looked hurt but then was asking why, why am i doing this etc etc. i said he cant keep burying his head

your right i do need to see a solicitor but will go ahead with the divorce application in this mean time.

Well done on deciding to see a solicitor - you need to look out for your best interests and find out your entitlements. 💐

Tell him he is a rubbish dad and husband, spends no time with his family, a financial drain and most likely an alcoholic. You are not boring but you are the grown up in this relationship and you are not a team. Those are a few good reasons to divorce him.

OP if you are going to divorce him you need to get a final financial order. If you don't, even though you are divorced, he could come back for any assets in the future, e.g. if you end up buying a property. There was a thread about a similar situation on here the other day. I'll try to find it.

Cautionary tale OP
My mum had the foresight to get a legal separation as the divorce was going through & changed her will to benefit her kids . Sadly she did not remember to change the beneficiary of her life insurance, that still went to my dad who used it to pay for his Caribbean honeymoon instead of her funeral . They’d been married 45 years!
Your H has shown he is not trustworthy.
You are the one who needs to protect your kids future otherwise your hard earned money could go to him & any future floousy .

You need to be very careful OP

Exactly this. You need what is called a clean break. Mediation is much cheaper than solicitors. You won't need many sessions and it's not counselling, just going through all the paperwork. Once all your financial details are logged, you agree, details get sent to a solicitor to put together a financial order for the courts to sign off. It needs to be shown that you have considered everything and is a fair agreement. A clean break means no comeback later on.

Hello, just checking in. Thanks for all the support on here. Ive applied for the divorce today online. It should have some kind of notification perhaps in his mailbox? Dont know how long it takes to go through to him? I know im doing the right thing but its still scary! Ive got knots in my stomach.

last night he was so in a bad mood and shouting/swearing angry. Ive just had enough of this shit

Do you feel safe with him in the same house? If he was angry before, he's likely to be more angry now. Can anyone come and stay with you, or could you stay with someone for a few days?

If he kicks off i will call the police. Im not putting up with his crap any longer. Hes known its coming. Im sure it will be ok.

Make sure to phone the police if he kicks off, he sounds utterly useless and it must be awful for the kids to have this shouty, drunken twat around! Onwards and upwards

Thanks for the update. Good luck. Have you spoken to family/ friends about it?

Ive confided in two close friends. They are both on the side of i need to leave if im not happy and they are fully supportive. Not told many as i wanted to apply for the divorce first. Ive spent a lot of time pushing feelings of unhappiness back down so i wanted to make sure i was 110% sure. After last nights paddy, i know im doing the right thing.

Well done OP. Stay resolute. Glad you've got RL help and your friends are supporting your decision. I can imagine it's emotional. You don't have to be 💯 in favour to do it and a small part of you will probably feel pulled back for a while. But keep going.

However do consider what you'd do if he changes or says he's going to - it can really confuse you. My own experience is that he won't even if he wants to as he has a big journey to improve, and it's not coming for himself.