DH always planning trips/night out with his mates

[ParrotCatDog]

Am i being unreasonable here?

DH and i both work full time and have separate money. im happy for him to have a social life but i feel this is just taking the piss. Our set up is living together with children school age.

He seems to be out every weekend either to watch sport/drinks with mates local/overnights and weekends away with mates. Always planning and saving for this.

what gets me is theres no mention of family days out/trips/summer holidays. He always skint and often doesn’t pay equally into the bills account.

because hes always out his weekends tends to look like this;
gets home friday night, goes for drinks with a mate (2 drinks early), sits drinking rest of the night, bed
saturday, lies in bed to late morning, gets up showers, packs bag and out the door
sunday, home at lunchtime or just after (sometimes will ho for lunch on way home), hungover and grumpy, says cba to do anything so either goes to bed for a few hours or sits watching sport and drinking to bed time

meanwhile im running the household, food shopping, kids entertainment, lifts, washing etc

im a mug arent i?

when i raise this, he tells me he helps but he does the bear minimum

Im doing well thanks but i dont think he actually understands what im saying! Im going to have another conversation tonight. Hes not mentioned it again and is carrying on as normal 🫤

Good for you OP time to stop being a mug and get the life you and your DC deserve.

It doesn't matter what he wants to believe or how he re-writes the narrative, it doesn't change the reality so I honestly wouldn't bother trying to reason with him (although I'd definitely stand firm on the one that it's his drinking that is causing the break up!)

It's not conversation that's needed - the time for that is well and truly over. Conversation suggests there's room for debate and the changing of minds.

You can inform him this evening that you've made an appointment with a solicitor to discuss divorce proceedings and that you expect him to move out by half term week - that gives you 2 weeks negotiating leeway, should you need it. Suggest he sees a solicitor too.

Once that information has been imparted - step away. No debate. And yes - I agree stop the washing, the cooking and life admin for him. And get 50% of those savings locked in to your account

Definitely don't try and talk to him again. You know nothing will change. I was a child in this relationship scenario. Well, some similarities. My dad couldn't give two shits about us. Always out drinking. Made my mum's life miserable. I just wished she'd got rid of him, so we didn't have to grow up with it. I grew up not even interested in guys and then getting into the wrong relationships. Your kids father is not a good role model.
Honestly, just get rid for you and your kids. You can do this!

My goodness. What have I just read?
Glad to hear you are taking steps to get away from him. He literally brings nothing good to the table does he?
He lives like a single bloke, with the benefit of a wife doing everything for him. He is all me me me me me.
Think of all the things your dc have missed out on because he basically loves his beer and his mates more than his family. He'd rather piss his wages up the wall than take his kids out for a weekend.

Oh and he understands completely what you are saying OP. He is just so far up his own arse that he thinks you won't possibly go through with any of it.

Carry on as you are. Inform him when he is moving out, rinse and repeat. Calm as you can.
If he still hasn't moved out by the date you have given, pack him some bags and leave them outside for him to collect.
If he is capable of planning his weekends around drinks out, hotels, his mates, he is fully capable of finding a sofa to sleep on.

Stay strong. You've got this.
He is not your responsibility.

Sorry OP, he sounds like a feeble loser and you’re going to be so much happier without him leeching off you and your kids.

The way he treats you all is despicable - imagine how the kids must feel, like they are totally unwanted by him and that booze and his friends are his number one priority.

Lock your half of the savings away, make sure you speak to a solicitor and ensure he doesn’t have access to any joint credit cards etc.

I have half the savings in my account. So theyre safe! Ive half applied for a divorce today, i just need to find the marriage certificate out to complete it. I feel like a woman on a mission!!!

@Datgal i do try to make sure my kids dont miss out on stuff. I do feel really angry for them that hes so bloody selfish, and he just cant see it. Like when hes boozing at home on a sunday watching sport, ill take them along to the park to burn off energy and have some fun/fresh air. Its so frustrating. My DH is always off to football matches and rugby matches, never takes the boys with him. Its all about the lads and drinking. But yes, its crap and time for change

Good on you for taking steps to get this sorted.

You will feel free once he is gone. No more booze breath, moods, sexual bullying, using you as an ATM.

Clean air, fresh start for you and the children. What a lovely thought.

Be prepared for a fight about money - take copies of all his financial records that you have access to and get onto CSA ASAP.

Also be prepared to help your children navigate him being absent. He may be a total knobhead but he is still their dad and this will hurt them. Although nowhere near as much as the ongoing hurt of living with a waster as a Dad - they aren't blind and know that other Dads are better.

You are doing great. Well done 💐

This is what comes of picking A Bare Minimum Man. He's not into family life and no doubt finds it boring. Nothing anyone here says will change a man like that. I mean you could split up if you're doing it all anyway. Let him find somewhere else to live and pay his own bills. The alternative is to continue being an absolute mug really. Just depends what you want out of life.

Stay strong!

Yikes! Ofc you have to divorce him! At least he'd have the dc for some of the time and you wouldn't have to be his mum. Go for it!

@ParrotCatDog you can go to the registrars in your town and they will print another marriage certificate out for you. you dont need to hunt for it!

He’s basically checked out of any sort of family life. By divorcing him, you’re just completing the process.
well done for taking back control. I suspect your life is about to get immeasurably better. His won’t, but that’s not your problem.

You can get a copy of your marriage certificate here:
https://www.gro.gov.uk/gro/content/certificates/login.asp
You'll need to register but it's free to do that.

Well done on taking the first step to get rid of this anchor.

I'm so happy for you that you're divorcing him. You won't ever regret it.

He shows you no respect or love. He acts like a teenager who gives his mum some board but can't always afford it, then gets drunk with is friends and calls his mum boring when she calls him out on it. He is deeply immature, lazy, selfish, entitled, pretty useless, willing to work you into the ground looking after the home and children while he lives like a 19 year old.

And that's all before the drink problem.

He sounds deeply unattractive, disinterested in family life, no practical use. He just grinds you down and makes you feel bad.

Keep going! Please don't change your mind. You have a chance now to make your life 100000 times better, and for good. If you weaken to him now, he'll make a tempoary change to reel you back in, then go back to his old ways pretty quickly. Only he'll be worse than ever, because he'll have seen you wouldn't ever leave him.

Stay strong. Be happy.

Half the savings doesn't seem right. He hasn't been putting anything into the savings, has he? He's been drinking his share.

I'm not saying leave him with nothing but honestly I would not split that 50:50. If you have 2 children, I'd give him 1/4 of the money.

I know marriage is a legal partnership but if it's a joint account then can access all the account - just as he can, so be warned he doesn't empty it. You'll be taking care of the kids and will have a lot more expenses going forward than he will.

Your poor children, witnessing his drunken behaviour, knowing his mates and booze are more important to him than their company.

The sooner you get shot the better and you can start your new life without him.

Would he want 50/50 custody? Would the DC?

There is no way on this earth I'd let him have 50:50.

Agreed. Best to pre empt any of his ideas regarding custody etc 🦆🦆🦆

OP have you ever come across the term DARVO ? I'd look it up if you can and have a read
Some of the things you written he's said when you mentioned splitting up to him stinks of it
It's classic gaslighting and abusive

I feel for you being in this situation but sometimes we are the author of our own misery. You don’t need to ask his permission to end things. He’s not taking you seriously because he’s probably heard it a million times before but knows you won’t leave. He’s treating you this way because he knows he can. He’s an alcoholic who is living a single man’s life, if he hasn’t changed things by now he never will. He doesn’t add anything to your life and he won’t change so it’s down to YOU to break the cycle. There’s no point keep going over and over the same issue yet staying in the relationship. Trust me, if he’s got a drinking problem you will never win. He will always want to do social things that involve drink because that’s where it’s “acceptable”. Him staying in with you or doing family things doesn’t fit in with his desire to drink. And if he’s drinking pretty much every day, not spending time with his own children and willing to risk his family for him to go out on the piss, then he does have a problem.

So any partnership works best if the majority of family time is actual family time. Being out or away at the weekend needs to be occasional

Be very careful for the next little while. A man who will scream and shout and pull covers off for sex is a man who will hurt you if he decides to. Be ready, talk to Women's Aid (or use online resources) to build a grab-bag of essentials to leave somewhere with a friend or family member. Let someone trusted know you might need a spare room or sofa.

He's not a good person and you need to be ready for him to get worse.

Well done OP keep up the momentum. He is a terrible role model for your kids
You however are blooming marvellous x