DH always planning trips/night out with his mates

[ParrotCatDog]

Am i being unreasonable here?

DH and i both work full time and have separate money. im happy for him to have a social life but i feel this is just taking the piss. Our set up is living together with children school age.

He seems to be out every weekend either to watch sport/drinks with mates local/overnights and weekends away with mates. Always planning and saving for this.

what gets me is theres no mention of family days out/trips/summer holidays. He always skint and often doesn’t pay equally into the bills account.

because hes always out his weekends tends to look like this;
gets home friday night, goes for drinks with a mate (2 drinks early), sits drinking rest of the night, bed
saturday, lies in bed to late morning, gets up showers, packs bag and out the door
sunday, home at lunchtime or just after (sometimes will ho for lunch on way home), hungover and grumpy, says cba to do anything so either goes to bed for a few hours or sits watching sport and drinking to bed time

meanwhile im running the household, food shopping, kids entertainment, lifts, washing etc

im a mug arent i?

when i raise this, he tells me he helps but he does the bear minimum

Thanks everyone for the supportive comments. I doubt he could do 50:50 anyway as hes out the door early and back late with work so school drop offs/pick ups wont work. Plus he makes such a song and dance over taxi-ing the older teen to friends that they wouldn’t go over to see him (makes the fuss because he cant settle in to drink). I doubt they would want 50:50 in all honesty. Would likely be a weekend thing.

Yep and ive been in this circle a while. Issued ultimatums, which get laughed off. Empty promises etc. nothing changes and my patience had now run out. Whilst you might feel like ive jumped straight into divorce, its been a long time coming, trust me 😆 ive spent a lot of time considering it.

He always skint and often doesn’t pay equally into the bills account...What also annoys me is he claims hes skint and he wont have enough until the end of the month but then he comes home with a bag of beers/wine

He does not contribute fairly to the family or household expenses (for both himself and his own children) but instead spends lots of money on things he wants (not things he needs). This is financial abuse.

meanwhile im running the household, food shopping, kids entertainment, lifts, washing etc...im his taxi if we go out together and then i want to leave and hes always - one more drink (or purchases another drink from the bar even though he knows i want to go)

These are examples of emotional abuse - he doesn't think of you as an individual who is equal to him, he considers you beneath him. You are, in his opinion, not a person in your own right but merely an appliance whose purpose in life is to serve him. He does not view your relationship as a mutual undertaking where support flows both ways. He believes he is more important than you (he believes you are of no importance and only exist in relation to his wants).

When we did have sex, he would get me to promise we would have sex that day, if when it came to it, i didnt want to, he would get angry, shout at me, pull the covers off the bed, slam around the house, put music on loud whilst continuing to drink and swear. In the end i either agreed to, even though i didnt want it.

This is coercive control (which is illegal in its own right), domestic violence (it doesn't matter if he didn't hit you, his aggressive behaviour is designed to let you know what he could do to you and therefore to control your behaviour) and sexual abuse. You did not really consent to sex - given the absolute free choice you would have chosen not to have sex, you only "gave in" to stop his behaviour.

I would really recommend that you read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Also have a look here:
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/ There are lots of resources to help you as you leave (later on, you might like to do the Freedom Programme to learn more about recovering from abusive relationships).

Change is hard OP but this is a good change.
Youll finally get to buy your own home & do the things you want with your kids without having to keep treading on eggshells
Have you sorted your wedding license yet x

I am gobsmacked by the immature, selfish behaviour of your so-called husband and poor excuse for a father.

I am sending you my first ever LTB - I have always withheld them, but this time I have no doubt that you DESERVE BETTER!!! XXX Good luck, you sound like you know what you're doing. Even if he doesn't see the kids 50/50, life will still be easier without him x

Hey, im still looking for the certificate. I might just order a new one tomorrow. Hes been drinking tonight and has got a right bag on. Slamming doors, swearing and shouting in front of the kids. Im trying to get them to bed and hes just in a bad mood picking faults with them.

@OneLollipop thank you for writing that out. Honestly i didnt see it like that your right. Ive put up with and accepted this for so long its just become normal. I think once hes gone, its going to become a lot clearer x

Enough is enough. He can’t be allowed to abuse you & your kids anymore OP.
You seem all frightened of him

Hes Off out on another jolly! I started to feel a bit of, well is he really that bad? Enough to split up the family etc. yet here we are.

He got home last night (friday) 8pm after meeting a mate at the pub after work (didnt text/tell me), sat watching tv all night, drunkenly singing along to music videos early hours, then rolled into bed. No house help/parenting given.

today, had a lie in and jumped in the shower, sorted his overnight bag and came downstairs to iron a couple of bits, left that out, then has buggered off til tomorrow out with work colleagues. I’ve purposely left a shed load of washing up on the side, hoping he might have thought, ill quickly do that before i go, but no. Out the door without two fucks given 😡

onwards with the separation/divorce

im going to have to tell him tomorrow about applying for a divorce. Ive just not had the chance. Ive found the marriage certificate now so its just a matter of paying but i feel like i need to just tell him before he sees it in his email inbox 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP why do you keep doubting yourself ?
He puts in zero effort and hasn’t cared for years. You don’t owe him anything.However he owes you and your children so much .
You are procrastinating OP .
Have you seen a solicitor yet ?

He won't believe you're going to apply for a divorce because he just laughs when you've issued ultimatums before. The most you can expect is more of his "empty promises".

Why not crack on and actually make the application. Start making things happen and stop hoping for change. See a solicitor and ask about having an occupancy order on the basis of his drunken abuse - your children (and you) are being abused by an alcoholic. You don't want him in the house screaming at the children and slamming doors.

This man is not capable of being a partner. He wants everything on his own terms and when challenged on his behaviour he will not engage like a rational adult, instead he laughs it off, doubles down, sticks his head in the sand.

You will be better off without him and when you do get free I would factor in that he may not engage with the children at all. It might be better to just forget that he ever existed 🤷🏼‍♀️

I just want to add that I wouldn't tell him about applying for a divorce and occupation order (or non-molestation order). I think you'd be better off seeing a solicitor before informing your DH - don't hold back on telling the solicitor why you need DH to move out - you're not safe with a drunken, shouting, door slammer.

Jesus. Who does he think he is? What a scumbag. Cannot wait until you tell him. I’d be tempted to not warn him, just let him find out when he’s notified. Fuck him. He doesn’t tell you anything.

He's useless. Get rid

I agree since it would be counterproductive to give your opponent a heads up on what your next move is!
His strategy in this relationship has been to work everything to his advantage, you need to follow suit op.

I really hope you genuinely mean it this time because at this point, do you not acknowledge you are part of the problem here? He’s just doing what you have always allowed him to do…if you are not happy about it (rightly so!) then it’s for you to do something about it. Stop wasting your life waiting for him to change.

We both earn similar, both have pensions (mine better than his i think but hes had the same opportunity to pay in as me, even when i worked part time), no house to sell. The kids will be with me the majority of the time as he cannot do drop offs/pick ups due to work, we only have savings that are split 50:50. I just want to walk away with child maintenance

i do raise the issues of no house work/no parenting etc plus going out most weekends. He just says he will try to help more, never happens. Re going out, he will say hes allowed to see friends. Im just sick of it all. I just want to be me and kids

Your life will be so much better without him, keep going.

Have you seen a solicitor yet OP ?

Im sort of thinking i dont want to at the moment. Like i say, we dont have much. Ive got a very good pension (better than his) i want to keep hold of that. Were on similar wages. I just want child maintenance. Hes getting a good deal. I just want to walk away

@ParrotCatDog where does he actually stay when he is on those overnight jaunts?? ps have you got all your accounts and passwords sorted? banks, emails etc and also make sure your phone does not have location on.

Hes out with colleagues, so at a male friends overnight.

yes weve always had separate money so i have all my own accounts. My location is not on my phone

@ParrotCatDog let us know how you get on at solicitors

Are you married to my ex husband? If so, deepest apologies. Jokes aside, exactly like this. Used to say why don’t you go out, get a hobby, go on the lash with girlfriends whilst he golfed every weekend day, went to the gym, and out with friends. We both worked full time and had three primary aged children. If I had acted as he did, our children would have no family to speak of. Ended with him having an affair with anyone selfish mother of three he met at the gym! That worked out, not! You and your children deserve more OP. I know how exhausting it is to live with a husband like this.

Also, the slamming doors and picking faults with you and your children is abusive. Please don’t allow him to erode your and their confidence. Sending support to you. X