Why does there have to be a reason for low libido?

[milkonesugar35]

I have very low sex drive - always have done.

Whenever I mention it I'm quizzed with:
Are you on hormonal contraception?
Are you on medication?
Are you depressed?

The answers to all three is no. I just don't want or need frequent sex. It's as if it has to be justified!

Yes my husband would like more frequent sex but he's known me this way for 12 years.

Anyone else experienced this too? It's really annoying!!

What matters is that the other person shows understanding and appreciation of the sacrifice. Relationships need this

I don't agree with the term sacrifice. If I buy a car, do I "sacrifice" everything else I could have bought with that money?

If you have to give up something to be in a relationship, you do it because you want the relationship that much.

People who tell other people that they owe them are awful.

OP is quite open about the fact that she does not understand why sex is important to other people. Read back. At one point she even asks another poster to explain to her why she would feel upset if her H rejected her as OP says she genuinely doesn't understand this. There have been many other posts on the long time I have been on MN where women without an interest sex simply don't understand why its important to other people. Posters are often quite open about this. I've read many posters basically saying a wank is the same thing, OP says as much too.

OP is also not a low libido person. That would imply she has a sex drive and enjoys sex when she has it, she just wants it less than average. Again, OP is quite open about the fact that she sees no point in sex whatsover now she has children, as she sees sex as no longer serving a purpose. Which very much sounds like their previously limited sex life has decreased further.

And yes, if your sex life ends or massively reduces, you would expect your partner to understand the impact of this on you and to appreciate this and to appreciate you choosing to stay with them. Relationships do work on mutual understanding and appreciation. There is nothing you can say to argue me out of that fundamental understanding of what makes a good relationship.

You might not like the term sacrifice but the principle is the same.

When I was having a really bad time with mental health and my then partner stayed with me and supported me through it,. even though that must of been hard for him, did I express my appreciation and love for him doing that rather than walking away? Of course I did.

Same with if you move to follow your partner's career, or you lose your job and your partner steps up to fully support you, or takes on an extra job, or does all the housework if you are bed bound with illness for months.

Healthy relationships are based on appreciation, rather than just entitlement and expectation.

Resentment builds when people don't feel what they are doing is even being seen, let alone appreciated.

I don't think it's necessarily a lack of empathy or understanding though in the majority of cases even though people like to say it's that and they think lack of action equates to lack of understanding and empathy.

In the vast majority of stories I've read about this from both sides of the dynamic the partner who loses their libido did communicate at the start, and they tell their partner it's nothing to do with them, they reassure them they're still attractive etc..and when the person with the low libido is telling the story they very much express upset and empathy and understanding for how their partner must be feeling. A lot of them feel a huge amount of guilt.

It's later on if the libido doesn't return and in the meantime there's been arguments and tension and maybe some duty sex the lower libido partner didn't want that they tend to stop communicating about it or showing empathy or understanding, and I think that makes perfect sense, the partner who wants sex is often listing out all the awful ways they feel and how low and unattractive etc and basing it all on lack of sex and making the lower libido partner feel like the bad guy, there's only so much of that a person can take as it evolves, because the person knows the only thing they want to feel better is the thing they desperately want to avoid.

So many DB follow the exact same pattern which shows it's the dynamic that causes the lack of communication and it's not necessarily the people.

And some people would be like you and say that communication should remain open etc, but if the libido hasn't returned and it's been a sexless relationship for a while is it really healthy to keep talking about it and letting the lower libido partner know that it's still affecting you....I don't necessarily think that's any healthier. The issue still remains.

In OPs case she has always been this way though, and he has always accepted it.
Why would she feel like it's massively important to him if he's chosen to be with her despite the lack of sex?

Relationships working on mutual understanding and appreciation and someone feeling gratitude that their partner stays with them despite lack of sex are not the same thing in any way.

If they're still together for this long, and they're happy then there is probably mutual understanding and appreciation in all sorts of other ways, which is why it works.

I don't think it's necessarily a lack of empathy or understanding though in the majority of cases I am posting on this thread where OP shows no empathy and understanding at all. It reminds me of similar posts. I don't think either of us have a metal analysis of surveys to know if it is a majority or not, but I would strongly argue that its not unreasonable to reference previous experiences of people showing no empathy on a thread where OP openly shows no empathy or understanding.

And some people would be like you and say that communication should remain open And there you go again. Putting your pre-existing narrative of what you think 'people like me' must think, rather than responding to what I have actually said. I didn't say this. I said understanding and appreciation should be shown. I didn't say you need to keep endlessly talking about it for evermore. I didn't say that.

They are not the same though because you're talking about periods of support during tough times, and then the tough time passes, most people will be very grateful for the support in those cases and will very much show appreciation.

When it comes to a low libido which is likely to stay that way forever then that's something different entirely.

If they're still together for this long, and they're happy then there is probably mutual understanding and appreciation in all sorts of other ways, which is why it works

I wouldn't say it works....he's either already sleeping with someone else, is thinking about it, will do it in future or is just living his life without his needs being met. None of which sound great

It sounds to me like OP has not always been like she is now . It sounds like sex has decreased further.

Neither of us have any idea if the H is happy. We only know they are together. Married people's dating sites are full of unhappy men looking for affairs whose wives think they are happy.

Relationships working on mutual understanding and appreciation and someone feeling gratitude that their partner stays with them despite lack of sex are not the same thing in any way
On that we will have to disagree. Spouses should understand and appreciate their spouses and what they do for them.

So your argument is you appreciate your partner for temporary things but not permanent?

Can't see the sense in that at all. If I got an incurable degenerative illness, of course I would appreciate my spouses support!

Her husband doesn't seem to have an issue with it though. Who is she supposed to empathize with or understand?

Is she supposed to make assumptions that he's one of those people who are desperately upset and distressed by the lack of sex even though he hasn't expressed that that that is the case? Not everyone is like that and some people are fine in pretty sexless relationships even though in an ideal world they'd like a bit more.

And some people would be like you and say that communication should remain open And there you go again. Putting your pre-existing narrative of what you think 'people like me' must think, rather than responding to what I have actually said.

That response wasn't to you at all actually 😂I quite clearly quoted another poster!

No, my argument is that if I were with a man who had a low libido then I wouldn't think he owes me or is eternally in my debt.

Her husband doesn't seem to have an issue with it though. Who is she supposed to empathize with or understand?

You can't possibly know that. OP says he would like more sex. She says he has a 'right hand'. She could start by understanding that a wank is absolutely nothing like sex with your spouse. That would be a start.

Those are your words not mine.

If think that understanding and appreciating your spouse is owing or being eternally in their debt, then I don't know what to say to you other than you don't really understand a healthy relationship dynamic.

I'm going by what she's saying. She said he's a good man who doesn't want or expect her to do anything she doesn't want to do, which is the healthiest attitude someone can have if they're staying in a dead bedroom.

Of course good people don't want to have sex with people who don't want to have sex with them!

That doesn't equate to them being happy with not having sexual intimacy with the person they love!

I don't think we are ever going to agree and don't think there is much to be gained by discussing this further with each other.

No, I don't think that understanding and appreciating your spouse is owing or being eternally in their debt. I already said that if they're still together and happy then they have understanding and appreciation in other ways. I just don't agree with making out he's a martyr

It doesn't mean he's unhappy either.

Happy to leave this back and forward there then.
But will be responding to any of your other points on the thread that I disagree with. Feel free to ignore if you wish!

Like I said it's just mental gymnastics and semantics to convince yourself all is well.

You can pick apart sentences and phrases as much as you want...it's a waste of time. All it takes is a new woman starting at work to give him a bit of attention and your apparently perfectly healthy relationship will implode.

@Blueirishrock

Well, I agree that appreciation is fundamental, though I still don't like the term "sacrifice". If my partner has nursed me through a long illness but for some reason I no longer feel we are compatible, should I stay with him out of gratitude for his sacrifice?

What do people hope to achieve from posts like these?
Do you want the posters who don't like sex to go home and jump on their husbands? Or for them to feel anxious? Or what?

There's no guarantee he'll cheat. Some people in dead bedrooms don't cheat even though they have the opportunity to.

Obviously not.

I'm just baffled as to the indifference shown towards their partners. I can only assume they don't like them very much. If you don't want to have sex then don't have it obviously but why not show a little compassion. This must destroy someone's self esteem.

Show a little compassion in what way though? and to who? To people online or to her husband?
If he's not bringing up the lack of sex and they seem otherwise happy then how do you think she should show him compassion? What should she be doing?

It can destroy a persons self esteem, but it doesn't always. People are different.

Me too OP, I don't find any of it interesting, sex or orgasms which I can have - none of it. I'd sooner read a book or go for a walk.
I don't care why it is I'm just like that and I don't want to be pestered or cajoled or be bothered. End of.

@Gettingbysomehow unfortunately beyond about 45 (and I'm now 62) I've always felt exactly like that- it does cause friction in relationships though and I had to be honest and say if it was a dealbreaker then best to separate (we didn't) I honestly couldn't force myself , it made me really unhappy. I can't explain why I felt this way- I've never been that bothered in both my marriages and one live in relationship in the middle. I'm kind of ok for a couple of years and then just am not.