Why does there have to be a reason for low libido?

[milkonesugar35]

I have very low sex drive - always have done.

Whenever I mention it I'm quizzed with:
Are you on hormonal contraception?
Are you on medication?
Are you depressed?

The answers to all three is no. I just don't want or need frequent sex. It's as if it has to be justified!

Yes my husband would like more frequent sex but he's known me this way for 12 years.

Anyone else experienced this too? It's really annoying!!

I wonder why you started this thread op. Do you want validation that everything must be fine in your relationship? On another thread you said you don't even give your husband a kiss/peck goodnight/good morning. Ok I could understand a low libido, but not even the odd kiss? How do you actually feel about your husband?

The trouble is that the "odd kiss" often sends out a message that more is desired. Could be seen as cock-teasing if you do not want sex. .

I think you've kind of touched on the OPs point though there in a way.
Some people just don't want or like sex, and people try to shame them for that.

Your shame might have come from a religious upbringing, but many low libido peoples shame comes from a culture where they are always told there's something wrong with them just because they don't enjoy sex.

That tends to be one of the reasons why kissing and cuddles stops though in a relationship where one person has a low libido. They would often like to kiss or cuddle but it gets misinterpreted....so then kisses become even more rare....and then misinterpreted again

@Puddingpieplum If someone has a low sex drive and is clear about that from the start, thier partner has no right to then expect them to change. The husband should have married someone with a higher sex drive of it's a non negotiable for him. Why should OP change to suit someone else?
If she was a vegan and her husband married her then decided actually it was non negotiable that she had to enjoy steak restaurants with him that would be unreasonable, your analogy of him frying himself a steak is the same as telling him to go and have a wank, they don't share this particular interest, end of.
And if the partner decides it's no longer working for them then they are entitled to leave the sexless relationship and fund a satisfying one elsewhere.

@milkonesugar35 I really disagree. Sex is not essential.

Sex is essential in the same way affection, kindness and laughter are essential.

Willl you die without them? Perhaps not but they are essential for many people with regards to quality of life.

No it’s not.

l’d miss affection, kindness and laughter.

@flusterbluff
And if the partner decides it's no longer working for them then they are entitled to leave the sexless relationship and fund a satisfying one elsewhere.

Not sure why people always say that on these threads. That should go without saying surely. People can leave relationships for whatever reason they want.

And in these situations it's better that they leave rather than try to pressure their partner to have sex they don't want.

I think there are a couple of very different issues that get conflated on threads like this.

Someone who just has a low to zero sex drive absolutely shouldn't be shamed. And I recognise that if your sexuality deviates from what you're told the norm should be, then it's not necessarily an easy journey to embrace it. That goes for LGBT people, for women brought up in repressive environments and for asexuals in a hyper-sexualised society, to varying degrees.

I think that's very different to someone in a sexual relationship deciding they can't be bothered any more and unilaterally taking sex off the table without proper communication. (To be clear, the important bit there is honest communication, not having sex you don't want. But honest communication requires you to dig into your reasons and feelings about not wanting sex rather more than "I'd rather have a cuppa lol".)

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow Sex is essential in the same way affection, kindness and laughter are essential.

Willl you die without them? Perhaps not but they are essential for many people with regards to quality of life.

No it’s not.

l’d miss affection, kindness and laughter.
Yes and many many people would miss sex.
The point is it may not be essential for you but for many it is as essential as affection kindness and laughter

You said they were all essential. I assumed you meant for everyone.

It's not always an easy journey but I think that's what the OP is getting at too, for some it's easy to embrace it and why shouldn't it be? Some people are ok with their lack of libido from early on and that should be ok too.

I agree about honest communication and digging deeper, however some people just don't know. Let's say someone loses their libido, that will often just feel like nothing. When questioned on why they have no libido they will look at whatever stressor is going on in their life and think it must be because they're exhausted or stressed about money or depressed or uncomfortable with their body or they're not getting on with their partner etc. Is that the reason? Probably if they previously had a normal libido.

But the thing is, a lot of those things will last for quite some time....and what happens if you keep getting questioned on it and questioned on it and your initial reason is no longer accepted as valid? Then you'll search for new reasons but often you don't know for sure.

And what happens if the partner puts pressure on them to have sex in the meantime knowing that they don't want to, well then their partner just had sex with them knowing they didn't want it, that can have dire consequences for the couples future sex life and it can be very difficult for them to genuinely sexually desire their partner again, now they're dealing with a whole other set of issues that a lot of people don't have the words for, they just know that sex is something they desperately want to avoid. Eventually it might get to the point where they genuinely feel disgust and repulsion, but they're terrified to say it to their partner.

Lack of honest communication is a big part of a dynamic of dead bedrooms and is more of a part of the dynamic as opposed to something that the lower libido partner is doing wrong. If you ever read about this subject on reddit for example there's so many people telling their stories and the vast majority of them tell the exact same story. Read the story from the low libido side and the vast majority of them follow the same pattern too, so it's the dynamic of being in a problematic mismatched libido relationship rather than one person just not communicating.

But it's also clear that in the vast majority of them that the partner who loses their libido did communicate at the start and say why they thought they lost it and over time the situation evolves into an absolute shitshow basically where it's 5 or 6 years later and there's no sex and they're still trying to have "the talk" over and over and over expecting things to change and the low libido person has long stopped communicating about it!

100%!

I don't think there has to be a reason - some people just have lower libido, as others having high libido.

Having said that, hormones definitely affect sex drive. Breastfeeding killed mine dead. I stopped BF and my libido came back; I started the pill and it died down again. I came off the pill and it has come raring back. I am also 35 with two kids and I would feel very sad if my husband and I had sex only infrequently.

We are both happy with the frequency, which is about 2-3 times a week. This seemed pretty average when we were younger but I think is pretty good going given we have young children. We'd both like it more but life, tiredness and work intervenes.

OP, do you enjoy sex when you do have it?

Spot on

I don't think the higher sex drive partner understands what it feels like to have to turn their partner down frequently. Neither side of the dynamic is fun or pleasant.

I very much doubt it feels like they have all of the power in the relationship at all, people on the LL side of the dynamic often report significant distress at the situation.

Neither side in a problematic dead bedroom are happy. One side is constantly wondering when they'll have sex and obsessing about rejection. The other side is constantly anxious that their partner will initiate again, and that they'll have to turn them down again and that there's going to be tension again.

HL people are often even more surprised when the lower libido partner actually leaves them because of the false narrative that the lower libido partner is absolutely loving their life with all of the power and having all their needs met!

If there's frequent rejections, talks, questioning about it then both sides are unhappy in the vast majority of cases.

If 2 people are together, neither of whom happen to have had amazing experiences sexually, then sure it can work, as it's not seen by either as important to them.
Also, if other outside influences take their toll on time and energy, then it can take a back seat. But I suspect that the more positive experiences people have had around it, the more likely they are to pick it back up again when life gets easier.
Conversely, the more negative experiences people have had in their lives with it( and most people have had some at some point) the less happy memories around it, so the less they turn to thoughts of it and the less people are bothered about picking it back up.
It comes down to positive feelings around it.
Not needing to shave is said as a benefit by op to not having to do if no sex, so to her, that's prep, to others it might be just what you do before a night out or more of in summer ( when everyone sees you legs or bikini line if on the beach). It's not much effort, and it's just grooming. Mind you a lot of men in a LTR probably don't care about a bit of fuzz tbf as long as sex is on the table.
It's fair how op is rolling, if she's not changed from the start, her DH knew, if he's happy with that, so be it. I presume it occurs occasionally, as it has in the past, hence DC's, but if its dwindled to none, then that is a change she's possibly expecting him to follow.

Nothing worse than a sex pest who is bad in bed.

I'd be amazed that OP has had children purely having sex three times a year so that would indicate it hasn't always been at the levels she states.

This is a carbon copy of an earlier thread started later last year. OP stated they were 35 had been with DH for same amount of time - posted as namechangedforthisone35 'to think we just don't need sex' - basically asked the question but kept coming back to tell everyone they were wrong if they felt sex was important in a relationship. Even when other posters kept saying 'if your relationship works then good'. Just kept coming back telling everyone she was right and was very clear that the ''D'H was happy with situation (he may we'll be). Feels like they're back again - defo check out the earlier thread - OP same thing if you're both happy then great but everyone is different and shock horror some people like sex and get enjoyment from it and some people don't - it's all fine if the situation you're in works that way

This is the position I am in.
It's heartbreaking to be honest. It can make you feel undesirable, ugly, worthless, and I wish my partner liked me and wanted me to feel pleasure like I do her.
But she doesn't so that's that. Can't force her.

@kkloo

Your entire post is based on a complete comprehension fail of what I actually wrote. You clearly based your post on your pre-existing belief of what ‘someone like me’ thinks, and answered that, rather than what I actually said

It all went wrong right at the start, here, The person does not want sex, what do you want them to do?

I actually directly answer this in my post. You actually quote my sentence answering this later on, which makes it even more remarkable that you failed to link the dots and realise that I’d already answered your opening question to me.

So the answer, again, is that when one person makes a sacrifice for another, you expect the person receiving the sacrifice to show understanding and appreciation of this. The sacrifice may be foregoing sex, it may be moving to from where you love to where your partner wants to be. It doesn’t really matter what it is. What matters is that the other person shows understanding and appreciation of the sacrifice. Relationships need this.

I won’t bother to detail a response to all your points as they are all so clearly wrongheaded, based on your opening misreading.

My DH had a lower sex drive than me, and it almost drove us to separation. Op, I do hope you have your eyes open, and don't be blindsided, if your DH finds affection and sex elsewhere. In my experience, this is how this story usually plays out. Does he want sex? Do you care? Is there a lot of rejection from you? If so, you could be sitting on a time bomb.

In our case, my DH had anxiety about his performance, but once he started taking a drug that fixed that, his sex drive made a huge come back.

The difference this has made to our (long) marriage has been immense. In the last month, we've had sex every day - granted, we were on holiday for most of that time, so our jobs weren't getting in the way.

It has easily been the most erotic month of my life (and I hope his). We've even had sex outside. For context, we are both in our 50's.

I've noticed other changes as well - we cuddle more, touch each other when in passing, send more loving texts, place more kisses on texts, we are kinder to each other.....I could go on.....but it's way more than just the physical side.

We do fancy each other a lot though - and did, even when the sex wasn't there. I did not want sex with my 1st H (at the end), because he felt like a brother to me. I think that's the death knell in any relationship. Whereas with DH, even when he was not being sexual with me, there's no denying that he is very handsome, very manly, 6ft 3, the typical, tall dark handsome.

I guess you think you're happy Op, but sometimes, when you haven't had sex for ages, you forget what you're missing. I wonder if you would feel the same in a new relationship? Are you bored of your DH? In my opinion, you are missing out on so much.

No, I responded to what you wrote, which is that You think people with low libido don't understand this, they don't understand that....

And I addressed what you thought people with a low libido should do, I questioned it because it's a bizarre attitude.

If I enter a relationship with a low libido man then we should be starting as equals, if I made a sacrifice by giving up sex then it's not up to him to make it up to me. Low libido people aren't less than, they're not starting off from a point where they must show gratitude and appreciation for the other persons sacrifice. Nonsensical

If I enter a relationship with a low libido man then we should be starting as equals, if I made a sacrifice by giving up sex then it's not up to him to make it up to me. Low libido people aren't less than, they're not starting off from a point where they must show gratitude and appreciation for the other persons sacrifice. Nonsensical

If it's a new relationship, then yes, ideally, you should start with someone equally matched in libido. But relationships can last many years, and libidos change for many reasons, and often not in parallel with the partner's libido, so you end up with a mismatch, even if you didn't start with one. No one should be having sex they don't want, but if someone has no empathy or understanding at all of how the other person may be feeling - whether they are the one whose libido has dropped, or the other partner, experiencing the effects of that when they mostly haven't changed - if neither side is showing any empathy or understanding, and particularly, not communicating about it, then it's not a great relationship.