Why does there have to be a reason for low libido?

[milkonesugar35]

I have very low sex drive - always have done.

Whenever I mention it I'm quizzed with:
Are you on hormonal contraception?
Are you on medication?
Are you depressed?

The answers to all three is no. I just don't want or need frequent sex. It's as if it has to be justified!

Yes my husband would like more frequent sex but he's known me this way for 12 years.

Anyone else experienced this too? It's really annoying!!

@flusterbluff I apologise on advance because I know this may sound like a bit daft question - but do "low affection" people even love anyone? not in the "I like this person well enough and I feel some sort of duty towards them"?

I can logically understand lack of desire for sex, low libido / trauma / hormones /menopause / etc...but having no affection for another person for me cancels out the idea of genuinely loving them

The thing is that that's all kind of just therapy talk or "in an ideal world" kind of talk, The reality is that that rarely works even with therapy.

It's even less likely to work in a long term relationship where any intimacy that was there is long gone..

I've seen people share their stories about this before and the forced intimacy feels false and unnatural and doesn't tend to improve.

The other person also wouldn't necessarily want their partner to give them token shows of affection that they don't genuinely feel. Some would see the effort as an act of love and see it as the thought that counts, but others would hate it.

It's also important to note that the OP has said on a previous thread that the sex she does have is because she feels duty bound after some time has lapsed, she also said she could have written a response shared by another poster about how the only time she passionately kissed was during sex a few times a year and feels repulsed afterwards.

What people don't seem to get when it comes to sexless relationships or relationships lacking intimacy is that that was the person trying to put the effort in for their partner, but it didn't improve it, it actually often makes it far worse and puts them in an even harder position to try to fix things from.

So what I'm saying is in theory your advice sounds good but it's very unlikely to work in long term relationships where intimacy was never there or has long gone.

*But why does there have to be a reason. What if some of us simply don’t have an interest in it

But you won't have no interest in it without a reason!*

I do not agree that there has to be a reason. It is just a fact, like not liking cabbage.

Pathologizing a preference is wrong.

If the person genuinely had lost their libido or never had one in the first place there was unlikely to be a better outcome for the relationship if they had sex they didn't want anyway.

I think it's also common that both feel neglected in relationships, one feels neglected emotionally or otherwise which impacts how they feel about their partner sexually and they don't want sex, their partner then feels neglected sexually...

then a lot of couples get stuck in that situation where one doesn't feel like having sex if they don't feel close in other ways, and the other doesn't feel close in other ways without having sex....so the situation just deteriorates.

There's a difference between having low libido and not caring and having a low libido are caring.

I've had phases where my libido has dropped - everyone probably has to some extent - but rather than be ok with it, I really miss it, and want it back!

When I lost my sense of smell and taste when I had Covid, I really wanted it back- I can't imagine many people going "meh, so what I can't taste my food, it doesn't matter at all"... Libido is as fundamental to my existence as either of those things. I suppose we all just have to accept that we're different biologically in many ways, and it's futile really trying to understand it sometimes.

@milkonesugar35

Given your DH wants more sex, and it's something you actively dislike and it plays no real part in the relationship or feelings towards him, would you be ok with him finding an outlet for his sexual frustration with someone else?

No offence taken. I am not avoidant of affection. I can be really affectionate but I am someone who feels crowded very easily and need space. My DH is someone who would be physically attached to me 24/7 😂

I just have a limited capacity for physical contact. So when the kids were very young I could be touched out and not want too much hugging from dh. He understood and I tried to accommodate him as well. So I would lie in the sofa and he would massage my feet. I don't feel crowded but he still feels connected.

I am pretty sexual so there is physicality between us but I am just but very huggy. I don't like cheek kiss greetings. I don't even really like shaking hands. I loved the aspect of lockdown that I didn't have to shake hands!!

So I will snuggle up on the sofa ...briefly 😂. He would stay like that for hours.

So yes. Lots of love. Just less touchy on a frequent basis.

@milkonesugar35
Why do you go to bed so early? Are you avoiding your DH?
What's the reason for no affection? Not wanting sex I can understand but to withhold affection seems cruel. Do you actually like him? Care for him? To me it sounds like you're just housemates.

@kkloo

The thing is that that's all kind of just therapy talk or "in an ideal world" kind of talk, The reality is that that rarely works even with therapy.
Who says it rarely works? Where are you getting that from? I'm but actually sure what you mean by therapy talk. I actually had to check you were replying to me as I'm confused what you mean here.

It's even less likely to work in a long term relationship where any intimacy that was there is long gone..

Intimacy hasn't gone in our relationship. I was discussing the fact that I am not as huggy as my dh. We still have sex which I have said.

I've seen people share their stories about this before and the forced intimacy feels false and unnatural and doesn't tend to improve.

Nothing forced. I like making my dh happy. He likes making me happy. You do realise dint you that this is the basis of a long term relationship. If all you do is please yourself then no relationship is going to last.

The other person also wouldn't necessarily want their partner to give them token shows of affection that they don't genuinely feel. Some would see the effort as an act of love and see it as the thought that counts, but others would hate it.

Effort is required in all relationships be they partners, parent/childten, siblings, work colleagues. Why would anyone hate people prioritising the relationship?

It's also important to note that the OP has said on a previous thread that the sex she does have is because she feels duty bound after some time has lapsed, she also said she could have written a response shared by another poster about how the only time she passionately kissed was during sex a few times a year and feels repulsed afterwards.

What people don't seem to get when it comes to sexless relationships or relationships lacking intimacy is that that was the person trying to put the effort in for their partner, but it didn't improve it, it actually often makes it far worse and puts them in an even harder position to try to fix things from.

So what I'm saying is in theory your advice sounds good but it's very unlikely to work in long term relationships where intimacy was never there or has long gone.

Again you've kind of lost me here. I'm not sure exactly what aspect of my post you are referring to. But dh and I are over 30 years together and both are happy being together so something is going right.

@flusterbluff
I wasn't talking about your relationship. I was saying that what works for you and a relationship like yours doesn't tend to work in relationships that have been devoid of intimacy or where a dead bedroom has set in for years.

It was a subject of interest for me for a while and I used to always say the same as a lot of people used to say in regards to communication and complete honesty etc. I genuinely thought that if someone who didn't want sex was completely honest with their partner about it then that would be a dealbreaker etc. Turns out that that's not the case at all! A huge amount of dead bedrooms follow the exact same pattern and even if the partner who wants sex knows how much their partner hates it they often still don't give up. Therapy rarely works. I think a huge amount of therapists who work in this area are also really shit too which doesn't help.

Effort is required in all relationships be they partners, parent/childten, siblings, work colleagues. Why would anyone hate people prioritising the relationship?
Some people would hate their partners having to force themselves to show them affection, particularly people who have in the past tried to force themselves to show someone affection because they know how it feels to have to do it!

@kkloo so what are you suggesting? That couples don't^^ talk and be honest? I'm not quite sure what you are suggesting is better

I love going to bed early. As soon as kids are in bed that's me and I absolutely love it. Sometimes I read or watch tv but most of the time I'm asleep around 8.30. I'm up at 5.30.

@milkonesugar35 do you even like that guy? as in if it was not for the hassle of divorce, would you even mind if he left?

it's one thing to not like sex, but what you're describing sounds more like avoiding entire person

Agreed.
@milkonesugar35 you didn't answer my question: why no affection? Do you actually like him? Seems like you're avoiding him.

@milkonesugar35 sorry why are you married again?? Guessing it's handy having another person around - not really sure why you're still flogging this. You sound delighted with your life so not sure what you're trying to get from randoms on the internet

No.

People should and do talk. But people also have to listen...and there also comes a point where they have to realise that talking isn't going to change anything either,

Out of the all of the stories where people said their partner won't communicate about this issue they literally detail how it got to that stage and the person who doesn't want to have sex pretty much always did talk early on and said it was nothing to do with their partner, they just had no or low libido at that time, or at all and so on.

It's only later on that they stop communicating about it because the reasons stopped being accepted or because the patience wore out or because it always led to arguments and tension or because they ended up making false promises they couldn't keep etc.

The thing is that advice for the one who wants sex is always to talk to their partner about it but the advice never seems to say that if the situation doesn't change after a long period that they need to accept that talking isn't going to change it so people get stuck in a loop of having the talk over and over again.

There needs to be more focus placed on accepting that it won't change if it's already been a long term thing and isn't associated with something like it being a period of time such as the baby/toddler years!

She's probably married for the same reason he is?

I give and receive plenty of affection to my children . I don't like touchy feely affection from my husband no. Again - Always been this way. Affection isn't just physical. I appreciate and give kind thoughtful words. I'm hot on love languages and physical is the very bottom for me.

As I keep repeating my husband has known me unchanged for 12 years.

We might not fit the societal mould but we're ok the way we are.

As I keep repeating my husband has known me unchanged for 12 years. We might not fit the societal mould but we're ok the way we are.

You're ok, but is he? You said he would
like more sex but you're not interested... It sounds like he's just given up rather than being happy with the situation. I've been in a relationship where I was the one who wanted a lot more sex... i suppressed it for a long time - it wasn't healthy. We're now divorced...

Given that sex and affection are of zero importance to your marriage, it's only reasonable that you'd be fine with him finding a FWB. Would you be ok with that if he asked?

I've mentioned it myself over the years but he maintains he doesn't want to.

Op... don't answer this if you don't want to but are you nd?

You're just repeating yourself throughout this thread and you're earlier ones - I'm guessing you're enjoying being 'controversial' but tbh you come across as sounding quite controlling are probably have a very different perception of yourself than others do. I wouldn't equate how you are with your children to be a demonstration of how you are capable of showing affection as being a parent and being a partner are not the same. You have said earlier you think your H would like to have sex more and you've mentioned FWB for him. You say your ok with that him being with someone else but if it happened it could open a Pandora's box with ultimately him leaving - this is about more than sex but feeling desired and wanted by your partner - otherwise you might as well get honest and say you're friends living together raising children. I still reckon you know he's not happy but are desperate to justify your feelings as the only valid ones and you know he's probably just given up - although as long as you get your 9 hours a night everything will be fine I'm sure

What does nd mean? Neurodivergent? No, I am neurotypical.

What are the things you actually enjoy doing with your husband?

Honestly if your (lack of) sex life genuinely works for you, fair play; it's not anyone else's place to tell you different, as long as you're actually keeping communication lines with him open.

But everything you say just adds to this picture where you're two ships passing in the night; where your family life is centred around your children, and your husband is some distant satellite you occasionally glimpse.

@gannett a few times a year we have a date day (no overnights as youngest is too young to leave still imo) such as lunch / cinema / theatre / comedy. On weekends we do family days out and sometimes the two of us will watch a film or something if the older kids are out/entertained. We have family holidays abroad 2/3 times a year so do lots of lovely things. We have a shared hobby in that we both like going to the gym but tag team for childcare. But yes day to day life is a regimented schedule of work/school/kids clubs.