Help! Husbands affair

[Everafter6]

Help!

I don’t know what I’m fecking doing… I found out my darling husband of 12 years (together 14) has been having an affair. But not only that ‘they have a connection, they are the same, he loves her more than he ever loved me’ was what he said when I found out- nice…. But alas they can’t be together as she can’t leave her husband!

So the day I found out - (messages on his phone, ) he didn’t come home and got a hotel for the night, the next night he came home … ‘I’m sorry it has to be you, it has to be us… blah blah blah….

Two weeks on he’s still really distant, still really protective of his phone, has told me he’s ‘not feeling it’ …. me and him he means. Has made no extra effort with family life, just works then sits and has his tea, stares at the tele, does more work, goes to bed. Weekends are very busy with family life.

Now here’s the other rub, they work together, he’s her boss. If it gets out this potentially has huge consequences for both their careers….. I have not told a soul what has happened as I am carrying on in a daze. I went to work the same day, have just carried on….. If we were to get back together I wouldn’t want anyone to know about this blip in our marriage, (as in the big scheme of things 10 weeks in 14 years together) I know I could forgive….. but it’s breaking me! I know he wants her more than me, but is staying as they can’t be together…..

She was signed off sick for two weeks ‘stress’ poor love, hard work being an adulterer hey! And she’s back in work today. I am led to believe it’s the first time they’ve seen each other in two weeks (but who know my husband works very long hours and is a liar!!)

I’ve said to my husband that I don’t want him to come home tonight and he needs to speak to professionals (counseling to process things) and decide what he wants to do.

I am just so shell shocked that I am being such a walk over!

I know I am doing it for our family and for the future I thought we had.

To be honest our relationship wasn’t great. And it hasn’t been for a few years - our youngest son is disabled and I dedicate most of my energy to him. We can’t go on holiday due to his needs, can’t have family days out, , family meals out, rarely have time together / dates nights. But that I thought was starting up again as we now have respite and support for our family. We had two nights out together this winter and a lunch date and spa day… I thought we were working towards being ‘us’ again…. Clearly not.

I don’t know why I am being such a walk over!
I can’t speak to anyone and feel if I do it will blow up and create a whole heap of mess I am not ready for!

Help! I need some advice

Does he have a mum, dad, or sibling he can move in with (i.e. you tell them what's going on and insist on it)?

Might be quite humbling for a 100k career guy to be sofa surfing/back to his childhood bedroom.

Never mind that he has nowhere to go, my exhusband had to go to his parents retirement bungalow, for a few nights, then find a bedsit, as that was all he could afford. I had tried to forgive his affair, but found it very hard to trust him, and then realised he was still at it, so asked him to leave. He was devastated, as he didn't expect me to be so independent, but like you, I realised there was no future for us. You will find the strength to deal with whatever you need to, you have already coped with worse, just keep going, it will be easier without a disappointing husband letting you down, when you least expect it! My divorce was 30 years ago, and I had a good life afterwards, and even now when I look back, I can see that he wasn't the wonderful person I thought he was, all along. I had made allowances for him, as I thought he was stressed, when actually he was a selfish, self serving arse! Do not blame yourself, you were doing your best for your children, while he was too selfish to be thinking about you, or them.

And thank you for all taking time today to post. Today has been the first day I’ve really let myself take the time to process everything! I have to say I’ve cried and cried and cried a lot! I know I’ve been in denial really about how bad it is and just been carrying on with work / family life. But I’ve let myself stop today and just process the enormity of what’s going on!!

You simply must tell her husband. Why should he be the only one not to know or do you think he already does?

There are times in life we need to accept reality and work with what is available to us. He doesn’t want to be with you. It’s hard to accept but it’s true. You need to make the best of this shitty situation and LTB.

You will be better off in the long run, I know that’s hard to see.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

What a wanker.

I’m sorry that you have been completely blindsided with this 🌺
If you click the 3 dots on the top RHS you can quote / make it easier to follow who you’re responding to

I said this morning, we need to make arrangements about how we move forward - he said he didn’t know what he was doing yet…

Goodness OP you didn't ask him if he'd be home for dinner.

How bloody flippant can he be, that's like him saying if OW definitely doesn't want to end her marriage and set up home together with me I'll stay here with you and just carry on seeing OW as we have been doing for the last few months.

No, just no...

It sounds like he fully expects to control it all. He was dumb struck because you've got agency. Of course he cannot continue to live with you!

He needs to leave. He's exploded a bomb on you so he needs to go. Where he goes is not your concern.

I would tell her husband. I wouldn't tell work because you need him employed.

He's no longer your friend so you have to protect yourself.

I bet once this becomes real they will find out it's not all that exciting or wonderful. Oh well ...

Hi

Firstly, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m writing because I’ve been through similar and I know that heart wrenching pain and how it will always be with you . I know how it feels to have to keep it to yourself because you don’t want anyone to know in case you work it out and also because you don’t really want to admit it to yourself .

Firstly, marriages CAN survive infidelity and the can become stronger for it - you will rarely hear that because people don’t tend to talk about being cheated on and staying - I will give you advice on this below from my own perspective and hope it helps . I’m not advising you stay , but if you do you also need support for that instead of being told you’re a fool and he will only do it again.

My husband slept with another woman more than once over a period of a few weeks. He says twice but one thing I believe is that people who are capable of cheating lie , they lie repeatedly and will never tell you it all straight away , they will get away with admitting as little as possible because they know they are vile for doing it. Now my situation is different because I know it was purely sexual . I don’t need to go into all the details as it would take ages but I 100% know this. Also, I know that my husband wants me , I saw the other woman , I have no insecurities about this I know he really cheated down ( like they usually do because cheaters do it to make themselves feel better ! 🤮) . So , unlike you i didn’t have to deal with any emotional aspect or have to know that my husband wanted to be with her other than sex, thats what will be hard for you ! But don’t entertain the idea that you bought it on yourself or she is better than you because she is not and it is not your fault. He made that choice to betray you , there is always a choice. This is what I found hard - my husband had so many chances to stop and he knew it would hurt me but he did it and not just once . So this is what I’ve learnt..

1. your relationship will never be the same. The couple you were , they’re dead. The person you were is dead - youll never fully trust him again. He is not the man you fell in love with , there’s another part of him capable of hurting you that you didn’t know existed and you’ll always wonder if he will do it again.
2. You won’t forgive him . You may work through it ( we had counselling and it really helped us - we had problems already and whilst I was neglecting the relationship as a result of these problems, he chose to cheat instead . Counselling helped us face a lot of our issues and I will say that now .. 3 years down the line … we are better than ever ) but you won’t forgive . You may decide you understand the reasons that led him to temptation but you won’t understand or forgive the fact that he did it.
3. You will never forget it. Those early days I was a broken woman, I couldn’t get graphic images out of my head . I lost weight , I became ill, I lost my job as I pretty much had a breakdown . It ruined my life at the time. But slowly , it became easier . Now , I rarely think of it but certain things trigger it and I’m back there but it’s not as raw . It could be watching a show that has infidelity in , a time of year that reminds you of it, even a smell - my husband had a certain aftershave on when it all came out and I told him to never buy it again but if I smell it I’m back . For a long time I couldn’t sit in the chair I was sat in when it all came out and that’s my own home . But it does get better .
4. Dont hide your feelings from him , if you’re working through it. When you are in that dark hole tell him. Let him see your pain , unfiltered . Let him see what he has done to you and how he reacts to that tells you a lot about him . My husband had hell for a long time and he did everything he could to make me feel secure. He changed everything he needed to , he said the right things , he sat and listened whilst I screamed and shouted and told him he was a disgusting person. He took everything.
5. You are not weak for wanting to try . People will say you are or say that it will only happen again but it’s your marriage . You also are not the one breaking your family apart if you decide not to stay - he did that

Whatever you do , do it for you . I personally think you deserve better. Although my marriage has ( so far ) made it through , we’re still scarred. I cling to the fact it was purely sexual , I don’t think I could have dealt with all the pain if it was more than sexual .

Take care of yourself and give yourself time and space to heal . Feel free to message me if you ever need to talk ( hopefully I’ll get it , this is a throwaway account just so I could say my story , to try and help you , completely anonymously )

xxx

Here with you in solidarity. I posted under a different name about something similar in Nov. The help I got from MN was invaluable in keeping me sane. My H was just starting what I suspect may go on to be an affair so I’m processing in real time and watching it slowly unfold like a car crash knowing what might be coming, I understand the numb shock….your H has treated you disgustingly. Stay classy be the better person but also take him to the cleaners and blow his world apart like he’s done with you. Tell her husband. Why shouldn’t she suffer like you are.

Definitely this as I don't see how much worse off you could be really.

Why are you not telling her husband and telling everyone what he has done? tell his work also. He is treating you like dirt while she had two weeks off and he thinks the fate of your marriage is in his hands only get rid of him he is a pig.

OP, I wouldn't tell her husband. Or his workplace. He won't want you to and these could be bargaining chips when it comes to negotiating a settlement.
If she is afraid you will tell her husband she may well put pressure on him to agree a favourable financial deal with you to prevent this.

OW often have ‘explosive partners’. Makes you wonder if it’s to elicit the married man’s sympathy and bring out the knight in shining armour aspect of his personality. Or if they like the danger of a volatile man. Or if they are lying to stop OW being dropped in the shit.

You sound like a fantastic woman and Mother.

Go and see a solicitor, get some financial advice and then kick him the fuck out. Take him for every penny you can and don’t entertain anymore bullshit. The only contact you should have going forward should be around your kids.

Don’t waste your time with petty point scoring around the other woman - let them get on with it and move forward positively xxx

OP I just want to let you know it WILL be okay. Maybe not right away, but eventually yes it will all work out.

It sounds like you do the majority of the parenting slog at the moment. It sounds like you're more sensible with money than he is. You also sound like a much nicer human in general. Things will definitely work out.

Get yourself a shit hot lawyer and make sure you and your kids are taken care of in terms of finances, pension, house sale assets, child maintenance etc.

Maybe when the house is sold you could look at part ownership if you can't stretch to a full mortgage on your own salary. Definitely worth a look at. In my town they're popping up everywhere, nice new builds with good home insulation etc.

I'm not sure if you'd be entitled to a UC top up on top of your wages but it might be worth a look into.

It must be so hard to process what a shit he's been, and that his actions and words have ended things for you. But that's the sad reality and it's all of his own doing. He's a walking cliche!

good luck op.
get all the info you can about his finances… he lied about being faithful, I can’t see why he would be truthful about money.. I doubt you know what he has or doesnt. It doesn’t matter if you have no joint bank account - you are married so whether you share money day to day or not, legally all your money is shared and the law won’t care how you manage your accounts day to day. sending you strength!! Agree with pps tell her husband!!!! Kick him out first xxx

Possibly. But as you’ve only been married 14 years it isn’t going to be much.

child maintenance wise for 1 kid on a £100k salary you’re looking at approximately £800 assuming he never stays at dads.

there’s an online calculator.

you will likely be entitled to benefits, go to entitledto.

Even if they’re in his name they will be considered marital debt.

Ahh I did think when I was clicking reply. It wasn’t replying to the person I was replying to! Thanks 😊

How awful for you. Definitely sounds like you are in shock. Could you take dcs and go and stay with a friend for a few days just to give you a bit of breathing space and moral support?

Hello Everafter6, First, I am so sorry about your Husband's horrific and utterly selfish behaviour. No wonder you are frozen in shock!

I was going to copy your message saying 'single parents cope' but wanted to refer to the info regarding his salary and yours. Plus, importantly the time you gave to family. which kept you from the time you could have been developing your career and increasing your salary.
You will cope very well as a single parent. You already are coping at this horrendous time while trying to manage the stress of his being at home and trying not to let the horror of what he has done to you impinge on others, your mother in particular.
I want to urge you to talk to your mother about all this. The shock of it and the daily stress, especially of being with a husband who keeps saying how much he loves this other woman, is worse than a bad car crash. Your mother will be upset that you are trying to keep going on your own. I would be in pieces if any of my daughters were going through any kind of stress, even something small and not remotely as awful as this, and could not talk it over with me. Please tell her. She will want to help support you.

Your Solicitor will advise about finances but I do know you will entitled to support for giving up earnings and career opportunities to take care care of the children especially your dear disabled son.

Do not start trying to work out where he will live etc. That is going to be his problem. You need only to find out how to get rid of him, maintain an acceptable home and make sure he contributes financially to enable you and the children to live as comfortably as you did when married to him. That is your Solicitor's responsibility, to arrange your divorce so you and the children are secure.

You must start to accept help from the right quarters, the Solicitor is paramount. Then you need a Counsellor. Can your GP help? The shock and strain will have caused a big stress on your health. Please go to the Doctor and tell him/her what has happened and that you have nobody to talk to. You really need people to talk to. I know this from personal and professional experience.

Please stop trying to think how to sort everything out. You can't do it on your own and it will be in the hands of the Legal teams. Trust your Solicitor. If you don't like him/her, ask around for a really good divorce solicitor for the wronged wife. Some solicitors get a reputation for being good at divorces then it turns out they are good at supporting errant husbands and getting them off lightly with financial support obligations.

Remember you have rights and they are extremely important because you have to support the children. With a person as selfish as this man, you will need to fight for your rights. The children's father has no morals regarding responsibility towards them or sympathy for you. He really is one of the most selfish and horrible cases I have heard of and he obviously exploits your extremely good nature. You must only think about the interests of the children and yourself from now on. You should have as little to do with him as possible. As for where he lives, he brought this on himself, he needs to take responsibility for that. Throw him out, tell him he has no right to be under the roof now he's set up with another woman. He has deserted his marriage and responsibility to his wife and children, he must leave. He must continue to pay all the bills as before, because his children and their mother need the home. Whatever he says, stick to your argument. He may refuse to go, but you still keep telling him you want him out of there. Certainly he has no access to your bedroom. If he says he has nowhere to go, do not feel that is for you to sort out, he and his floosie should sort out their predicament - it's of their own making and not up to you. Tell him so. Perhaps her parents will have them?!

Good luck with your solicitor, I hope she/he is really good.

Talk to your mum. Please. See your Doctor. And remember, you are a wonderful person and you deserve so much better than him!

I am sorry you are going through this. In all my years of living (I'm pretty old), it seems to me that once a man is out of his marriage, there really is no coming back from that. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be for you to be on your own, especially with a special needs child, but if he isn't helping now, will it really be any different. Get angry. Tell him to shove it up his arse. Find her husband and make sure he is aware of all that is going on. Go scorched earth. Make him feel the repercussions for being such an awful human being.

This happened to my friend. She begged and begged and begged her other half to take her back

He kept telling her he was still seeing this woman….he said he didn’t want to be with my friend but the ‘other’ woman

dhe had a break down. He came back

they lived until he pretty much stopped interacting…..she hated her life and left after he made it hell cos she begged him to stay

love who you are and know you deserve better. Kick him out! If this was my husband he’d be gone before his backside sat down!

Spousal support?