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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! Husbands affair

358 replies

Everafter6 · 26/01/2024 07:54

Help!

I don’t know what I’m fecking doing… I found out my darling husband of 12 years (together 14) has been having an affair. But not only that ‘they have a connection, they are the same, he loves her more than he ever loved me’ was what he said when I found out- nice…. But alas they can’t be together as she can’t leave her husband!

So the day I found out - (messages on his phone, ) he didn’t come home and got a hotel for the night, the next night he came home … ‘I’m sorry it has to be you, it has to be us… blah blah blah….

Two weeks on he’s still really distant, still really protective of his phone, has told me he’s ‘not feeling it’ …. me and him he means. Has made no extra effort with family life, just works then sits and has his tea, stares at the tele, does more work, goes to bed. Weekends are very busy with family life.

Now here’s the other rub, they work together, he’s her boss. If it gets out this potentially has huge consequences for both their careers….. I have not told a soul what has happened as I am carrying on in a daze. I went to work the same day, have just carried on….. If we were to get back together I wouldn’t want anyone to know about this blip in our marriage, (as in the big scheme of things 10 weeks in 14 years together) I know I could forgive….. but it’s breaking me! I know he wants her more than me, but is staying as they can’t be together…..

She was signed off sick for two weeks ‘stress’ poor love, hard work being an adulterer hey! And she’s back in work today. I am led to believe it’s the first time they’ve seen each other in two weeks (but who know my husband works very long hours and is a liar!!)

I’ve said to my husband that I don’t want him to come home tonight and he needs to speak to professionals (counseling to process things) and decide what he wants to do.

I am just so shell shocked that I am being such a walk over!

I know I am doing it for our family and for the future I thought we had.

To be honest our relationship wasn’t great. And it hasn’t been for a few years - our youngest son is disabled and I dedicate most of my energy to him. We can’t go on holiday due to his needs, can’t have family days out, , family meals out, rarely have time together / dates nights. But that I thought was starting up again as we now have respite and support for our family. We had two nights out together this winter and a lunch date and spa day… I thought we were working towards being ‘us’ again…. Clearly not.

I don’t know why I am being such a walk over!
I can’t speak to anyone and feel if I do it will blow up and create a whole heap of mess I am not ready for!

Help! I need some advice

OP posts:
6pence · 26/01/2024 20:51

It’ll be horrible living in the same house until it’s sold. Tell him the least he can do after dumping all this on you, is to move out to his parents or friends. It’s not fair to expect you live alongside him. Tell him to do the decent thing. And that people won’t be impressed if you tell them what he’s done and that he won’t move out - which they won’t!

One silver lining is that you’ll get more free time when he has the kids. He’ll have to learn to cope with ds2 won’t he!

Gillbertine · 26/01/2024 20:57

Please tell your Mum. As a mum of a grown daughter with small children I would be devastated to think she was heartbroken 💔 and didn't tell me.

DeeLusional · 26/01/2024 20:57

Valleypop · 26/01/2024 20:38

I agree - surely if he’s earning this much he’s bound to have savings . I also agree that the type of men who cheat do tend to have other , costly habits that tend to be things to try to excite them more . My experience it was drinking

Show quote history

@Valleypop - agree, but you can gamble a lot more money than you can drink.

Sothisiit · 26/01/2024 21:05

Been there, walked the journey. OP he obviously does not want to make the effort to try and get back together and has openly said he prefers his new fling.
I stayed silent and told nobody, I found it hard to even talk as I was so emotional, looking back it was the wrong thing to do.
OP you need to make it real for them, they are both walking round with total impunity from their actions. Tell people, her husband, their employment and make him move out. Make them feel the pain, the consequences and hardship of their actions.
It's hard to accept it's over but your relationship of old is gone, it's up to you if you want to go to counselling and start over again, but essentially you both have to want it.
It's a hard journey but the sooner you face reality and make him see the error of his ways the faster you can process to loss of your old life amd start to create your new future.
I would recommend you both attend counselling so that you can at least unravel the past and get some answers and closure on why he strayed. Then go on your to sessions on your own for support to get out the anger, hurt and hate that will follow.
I hope it all turns out OK in the end, I feel for you.

Horationor · 26/01/2024 21:06

Capricornandproud · 26/01/2024 19:05

Amazing advice here OP. Listen to it.

Show quote history

Agreed, this is fab advice.
Survivinginfidelity has loads or resources whether you stay together or not.

Unfortunately I know the utter shock you're feeling.
Take time, gain advice and look after yourself.

Zanatdy · 26/01/2024 21:08

Well done OP taking those steps today. I think walking away is 100% the right thing, but don’t be surprised if he suddenly tries to win you back. You can definitely go after his pension, and rightly so and you may get more than 50% of the equity of the house. Two reasons alone there to get married for those mumsnetters putting their careers to one side. He won’t be able to go for 50-50 if he’s barely home so he will have to pay maintenance. That doesn’t count for any universal credit you could get. Maybe use the equity to get yourself a shared ownership or something smaller. Good luck - you’ll be absolutely fine

MadMadamMimz · 26/01/2024 21:19

If he is out of the house tonight then use that time to snoop. Get details of accounts he has, including account numbers, any pension documents and who he has pensions with, salary statements etc. If there are any shared computers then have a look if he is still logged in to any bank accounts or investment platforms.

Hadenough2021 · 26/01/2024 21:34

I don’t have anything useful to add, just wanted to say I’m sending you all my love and strength, you will get through this xx

Valleypop · 26/01/2024 21:36

I completely agree that you should talk to someone . I didn’t . But then I blurted it out months later to a few mutual friends after a drink , when I was highly emotional. I think I did that because I kept it all to myself and now I regret that x

Copperoliverbear · 26/01/2024 22:44

You are doing amazing, don't forget to apply for universal credit x

beachcomber70 · 26/01/2024 23:24

My exH had savings alright. He'd stashed money away at work. Often called the 'sock drawer' or 'the running away fund' [as I later found out].

It's far more common than people think.

JodieFostersFurHood · 26/01/2024 23:29

My ex also was taking money out of the bank account. I found about 600 pounds in his trouser pocket one day. He said he had taken too much out accidentally. It was only later that I found out.

ItsBeenRaining · 27/01/2024 00:36

FairyMaclary · 26/01/2024 09:06

The site Surviving infidelity is far slower than MN but full of very considered responses. I recommend you post on there, there are people who have divorced and others that have reconciled. In the resource section of the site look at The 180. You cannot Nice your husband back. Divorce papers are more likely to win him back as his head is in the land of dopamine. Hence he hasn’t figured out where him and his Juliet could live. Or looked beyond getting his ego kibbles from this women.

Buy and read ‘not just friends’ and how to help my spouse heal from my affair. You can probably get through them both this weekend.

If Juliet hasn’t told her husband yet the advice is to call him yourself and bring him up to speed. If she is fighting for her marriage etc then she is less likely to have time to dedicate to her affair. I would do this without hesitation. But others will advise you not to. If they are still talking you will find out as he will be mad at you. If he says he fears the man will hurt him - I would have no sympathy - had he found the text surely he would have hurt him. Fear of reprisals is good. It helps us not do stupid things.

At the moment he is sat on a fence deciding if the grass is greener where he hasn’t yet had the chance to shit. You need to push him off that fence.

‘Husband I love you and would like our marriage to work and be a happy marriage. But there is one thing I fear more than losing you and that is living in infidelity. I am not prepared to live like this. At the moment I am prepared to work on our marriage but that is not an open ended offer. Getting out of infidelity is my priority now’ Then go out of the house. No further comment needed.

Your priority is to get yourself out of infidelity. Be that with him or without him. I hate to say it but it’s likely the affair has gone underground - this is extremely common.

He needs to apply for new jobs immediately if he is serious about reconciling and not rugsweeping.

You are extremely calm (it appears), that is a strength you have on your side at present so use that to speak to a solicitor asap. Infidelity can cause PTSD - so if you are calm at the minute please seek legal advice. Do not tell him HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

I think some people can reconcile but the character traits that allow people to cheat are not the character traits required to truly reconcile. You may also find once the shock has worn off you don’t like the man that stands in front of you.
Many marriages seem to end around 2-5 years post infidelity when they realise the spouse they married was a lie. If he cannot do the work to work out why he chose to break his own vows you will not fix this.

You and the marriage did not cause this - he chose to cheat BECAUSE HE WANTED TO. No other reason. Unmet needs are nonsense. He didn’t cheat because you were cross or because you didn’t cook nicely or because he hates your friend Clare from school. He cheated because he wanted to. He left his window and door open to other people - he chose not to stop at the first hint of flirting. He chose to fan the flame. It was not an accident or a mistake. It was a choice - thousands of choices.

You need to push him off the fence. He can land on the fresh grass with his shitty personality traits that make him a man who says it is okay to cheat having a relationship with a woman who also has no integrity and doesn’t believe in fidelity. Or he can land on his own lawn and do the work to make it green. But you need to stop him dithering and that is to pull the plug yourself (which seems counter intuitive).

All the best op - remember YOU are the prize. You were in the same marriage but you held into your honesty, dignity and self respect. YOU are the prize here and don’t forget it.

Brilliant post @FairyMaclary

Op, I'm so sorry you've joined this awful world of infedelity, I wouldn't wish it upon any one.

The fact is none of us know the future, how awful he is now, whether he will regain any sense of logic, kindness or regret but as it stands he's being very cruel, to state your union meant nothing, that he loves this woman far more than he ever loved you, that was not necessary, it was brutal. He's trying to floor you, it's a gut punch to destabalize you for a reason.

I think he fears your next actions, at present you are in shock and have stated yourself you feel polaxed, unable to move through grief.

He will hold you here in this state of uncertainty until you run out of steam and fight, he want's you innactive. Others seem certain he wants out, I'm not so sure, I think he wants to carry on with the status quo. He want's you desperate to accept crumbs, whilst he carries on and beats you down so you don't tell family, friends, her husband and their work.

Time to call his bluff, do not keep his secrets, this man will use your silence to abuse you and the longer it goes on, the longer you will feel responsible for his blaming you of the breakdown.

This one is clever, he knew that cruel blow would take you out, these words are his threat that if you tell others, it's over.

It's over anyway.

Him telling you he wants time to figure things out is I feel a maniplative move to control you to accept his shit. I can tell with how terrified you are of others knowing and gaining support that this man is abusive.

Remember if you tell no one, this will not help you and him survive, you cannot control his abusive nature and hide it, from this point on if you accept his infedelity, the abuse will ramp up. Please think about opening up to others, your mom maybe, the first step is the hardest.

Tilllly · 27/01/2024 00:43

Everafter6 · 26/01/2024 16:37

Thankfully all our finances have always been separate he’s always refused to have a joint account. Any credit cards he has will be in his name. I have no debt. All we have together is the mortgage.

Zero savings between us. He always refused to save.

Could he have savings you don't know about?

Original poster
Everafter6 · 27/01/2024 06:51

Morning all, thankfully had a good nights sleep. Yesterday I was up from 3am with a banging head ache!! So this morning before the house gets busy thought I’d look at Universal Credit, just went through the turn2us benefits calculator and it’s says I could potentially be entitled to £490 a week! That can’t be right can it?

OP posts:
Tilllly · 27/01/2024 06:57

Everafter6 · 27/01/2024 06:51

Morning all, thankfully had a good nights sleep. Yesterday I was up from 3am with a banging head ache!! So this morning before the house gets busy thought I’d look at Universal Credit, just went through the turn2us benefits calculator and it’s says I could potentially be entitled to £490 a week! That can’t be right can it?

No idea but I hope it is!!

Northernsouloldies · 27/01/2024 06:59

Could part of that be for rent /Council tax possibly.

Original poster
Everafter6 · 27/01/2024 07:24

Northernsouloldies · 27/01/2024 06:59

Could part of that be for rent /Council tax possibly.

It did say nothing towards housing but yes maybe towards council tax. Our council tax is silly money 🤞

so can you apply before you are even divorced? How do they know you are separated or not if you still live together?

OP posts:
Northernsouloldies · 27/01/2024 07:27

I'm sorry I wouldn't be able to answer that, hopefully someone that's been in your situation can give you advice on that.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 27/01/2024 07:31

You can be separated under the same roof @Everafter6 but this will involve living as two separate households. This means you don’t cook for him, grocery shop for him, do his laundry etc. basically you don’t wife for him anymore and live like you’re lodgers.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I’ve been there and it was the most hurtful thing that’s ever happened to me, but 18m on and my life is unrecognisable (for the better). I have to agree with the brilliant advice by @FairyMaclary - don’t wait for him to make up his mind. Take charge. He’s not a safe partner.

Psalmbodytolove · 27/01/2024 07:42

A big part of this is probably the disabled child element, if you get DLA for your son you get that and also a carers element of UC so that will bump it up quite a lot. I was in a very similar situation and had to apply before I was divorced so feel free to message me if you have any uc questions, I know what a minefield it can be!

ChocoChocoLatte · 27/01/2024 07:57

Everafter6 · 27/01/2024 06:51

Morning all, thankfully had a good nights sleep. Yesterday I was up from 3am with a banging head ache!! So this morning before the house gets busy thought I’d look at Universal Credit, just went through the turn2us benefits calculator and it’s says I could potentially be entitled to £490 a week! That can’t be right can it?

@Everafter6 am so pleased you've slept. Have you told your RL friends yet??

muchalover · 27/01/2024 08:33

Everything is cloudy and lies thrives when there is no light. I think it highly likely the affair continues but in the depths as there was too much spotlight on it and he blabbed to you.

By saying nothing you are colluding with the lies. It is not your secret but by not shining a belisha beacon on it you are enabling the OW to maintain her dignity, him to maintain his and you are paying the price.

There is nothing to salvage, tell your supporters so they can do their job and support you. That is probably what he is dreading the most, you being powerful because he prefers you mute.

Wholovesabitofcheese · 27/01/2024 09:11

So sorry OP. I hope you have support. X

Knackeredlass · 27/01/2024 09:15

Everafter6 · 27/01/2024 07:24

It did say nothing towards housing but yes maybe towards council tax. Our council tax is silly money 🤞

so can you apply before you are even divorced? How do they know you are separated or not if you still live together?

Show quote history

Council tax is separate so not included in UC figure and that UC sounds reasonable,if possibly too low!
Did you say you were a carer? The breakdown should include single person, child element for each child,disabled child element, carer element and if you aren't claiming housing costs the higher work allowance.
If you talk to citizens advice they can give you more guidance on claiming as a single parent but you have to not be living as a unit ie not cooking together, sharing chores etc. Check the website for your local citizens advice in case they offer sessions in your GP surgery, they do in my area. Good luck 🍀