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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! Husbands affair

358 replies

Everafter6 · 26/01/2024 07:54

Help!

I don’t know what I’m fecking doing… I found out my darling husband of 12 years (together 14) has been having an affair. But not only that ‘they have a connection, they are the same, he loves her more than he ever loved me’ was what he said when I found out- nice…. But alas they can’t be together as she can’t leave her husband!

So the day I found out - (messages on his phone, ) he didn’t come home and got a hotel for the night, the next night he came home … ‘I’m sorry it has to be you, it has to be us… blah blah blah….

Two weeks on he’s still really distant, still really protective of his phone, has told me he’s ‘not feeling it’ …. me and him he means. Has made no extra effort with family life, just works then sits and has his tea, stares at the tele, does more work, goes to bed. Weekends are very busy with family life.

Now here’s the other rub, they work together, he’s her boss. If it gets out this potentially has huge consequences for both their careers….. I have not told a soul what has happened as I am carrying on in a daze. I went to work the same day, have just carried on….. If we were to get back together I wouldn’t want anyone to know about this blip in our marriage, (as in the big scheme of things 10 weeks in 14 years together) I know I could forgive….. but it’s breaking me! I know he wants her more than me, but is staying as they can’t be together…..

She was signed off sick for two weeks ‘stress’ poor love, hard work being an adulterer hey! And she’s back in work today. I am led to believe it’s the first time they’ve seen each other in two weeks (but who know my husband works very long hours and is a liar!!)

I’ve said to my husband that I don’t want him to come home tonight and he needs to speak to professionals (counseling to process things) and decide what he wants to do.

I am just so shell shocked that I am being such a walk over!

I know I am doing it for our family and for the future I thought we had.

To be honest our relationship wasn’t great. And it hasn’t been for a few years - our youngest son is disabled and I dedicate most of my energy to him. We can’t go on holiday due to his needs, can’t have family days out, , family meals out, rarely have time together / dates nights. But that I thought was starting up again as we now have respite and support for our family. We had two nights out together this winter and a lunch date and spa day… I thought we were working towards being ‘us’ again…. Clearly not.

I don’t know why I am being such a walk over!
I can’t speak to anyone and feel if I do it will blow up and create a whole heap of mess I am not ready for!

Help! I need some advice

OP posts:
Capricornandproud · 26/01/2024 19:05

FairyMaclary · 26/01/2024 09:06

The site Surviving infidelity is far slower than MN but full of very considered responses. I recommend you post on there, there are people who have divorced and others that have reconciled. In the resource section of the site look at The 180. You cannot Nice your husband back. Divorce papers are more likely to win him back as his head is in the land of dopamine. Hence he hasn’t figured out where him and his Juliet could live. Or looked beyond getting his ego kibbles from this women.

Buy and read ‘not just friends’ and how to help my spouse heal from my affair. You can probably get through them both this weekend.

If Juliet hasn’t told her husband yet the advice is to call him yourself and bring him up to speed. If she is fighting for her marriage etc then she is less likely to have time to dedicate to her affair. I would do this without hesitation. But others will advise you not to. If they are still talking you will find out as he will be mad at you. If he says he fears the man will hurt him - I would have no sympathy - had he found the text surely he would have hurt him. Fear of reprisals is good. It helps us not do stupid things.

At the moment he is sat on a fence deciding if the grass is greener where he hasn’t yet had the chance to shit. You need to push him off that fence.

‘Husband I love you and would like our marriage to work and be a happy marriage. But there is one thing I fear more than losing you and that is living in infidelity. I am not prepared to live like this. At the moment I am prepared to work on our marriage but that is not an open ended offer. Getting out of infidelity is my priority now’ Then go out of the house. No further comment needed.

Your priority is to get yourself out of infidelity. Be that with him or without him. I hate to say it but it’s likely the affair has gone underground - this is extremely common.

He needs to apply for new jobs immediately if he is serious about reconciling and not rugsweeping.

You are extremely calm (it appears), that is a strength you have on your side at present so use that to speak to a solicitor asap. Infidelity can cause PTSD - so if you are calm at the minute please seek legal advice. Do not tell him HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

I think some people can reconcile but the character traits that allow people to cheat are not the character traits required to truly reconcile. You may also find once the shock has worn off you don’t like the man that stands in front of you.
Many marriages seem to end around 2-5 years post infidelity when they realise the spouse they married was a lie. If he cannot do the work to work out why he chose to break his own vows you will not fix this.

You and the marriage did not cause this - he chose to cheat BECAUSE HE WANTED TO. No other reason. Unmet needs are nonsense. He didn’t cheat because you were cross or because you didn’t cook nicely or because he hates your friend Clare from school. He cheated because he wanted to. He left his window and door open to other people - he chose not to stop at the first hint of flirting. He chose to fan the flame. It was not an accident or a mistake. It was a choice - thousands of choices.

You need to push him off the fence. He can land on the fresh grass with his shitty personality traits that make him a man who says it is okay to cheat having a relationship with a woman who also has no integrity and doesn’t believe in fidelity. Or he can land on his own lawn and do the work to make it green. But you need to stop him dithering and that is to pull the plug yourself (which seems counter intuitive).

All the best op - remember YOU are the prize. You were in the same marriage but you held into your honesty, dignity and self respect. YOU are the prize here and don’t forget it.

Amazing advice here OP. Listen to it.

Original poster
Everafter6 · 26/01/2024 19:10

Again thanks for everyone’s advice. The three things I’ve done today are arranged a valuation of my house, found the name of a recommended local solicitor - off a local mums group on fb, and contacted citizens advice to make an appointment. Have buried my head in the sand about everything else for now as am thoroughly exhausted!

OP posts:
Muffin777 · 26/01/2024 19:13

Everafter6 · 26/01/2024 19:10

Again thanks for everyone’s advice. The three things I’ve done today are arranged a valuation of my house, found the name of a recommended local solicitor - off a local mums group on fb, and contacted citizens advice to make an appointment. Have buried my head in the sand about everything else for now as am thoroughly exhausted!

You’ve done so well. Take care this weekend. Just feeling like you have some control over the situation will help.

Original poster
Everafter6 · 26/01/2024 19:19

Going to park it now for the weekend and focus on the kids (as our weekends are always so busy) but then will get back on to it next week on my day off when I’ve got more head space again!

OP posts:
Jl2014 · 26/01/2024 19:22

I do wonder how genuine this relationship of his is. He is her boss. It is not a relationship of equals and by the sounds of it she isn’t actually willing to be with him. Doesn’t sound like the relationship of dreams to me…

AnneValentine · 26/01/2024 19:22

Everafter6 · 26/01/2024 19:10

Again thanks for everyone’s advice. The three things I’ve done today are arranged a valuation of my house, found the name of a recommended local solicitor - off a local mums group on fb, and contacted citizens advice to make an appointment. Have buried my head in the sand about everything else for now as am thoroughly exhausted!

You can’t put it on the market without his consent or a court order.

HappyLittleTreeFriend · 26/01/2024 19:24

I have just read through all of this - you are awesome, going from when you first posted to everything you’ve thought through and been proactive about doing now - well done! Stay strong, have a good and busy weekend with your lovely kids and then back on it on Monday - you can do this and get away from your feckless, heartless, idiotic excuse for a man of a spouse and make a brilliant new life for you and your kids. Sending you all the positive vibes, you’ve got this!

Gagaandgag · 26/01/2024 19:30

You deserve so much better. This time is hard but your strength will come

beachcomber70 · 26/01/2024 19:31

I too know the pain and shock of betrayal when the person you have entrusted your love and life and children to then tells you they love someone else.

The person they 'loved' [it only took a few months to fizzle out] was someone I didn't like at all and who I knew was just getting back at an ex partner of hers. So I was furious, and absolutely furious that my children had been treated so badly.

After being stunned by disbelief and the agony being felt, the next stage is to be angry and being spurred into being pro active and I am so very glad you have taken steps today to get things moving and begin to take back the control. Good on you. Anger is a great motivator when channelled into moving away from this very weak and selfish person [who does not deserve you or his children].

I agree with being as dignified as is possible, whilst getting your support system in place. No need to be loyal to him any more. Your life is your own. Finances will be sorted out in due time. OP you sound very level headed and a strong character and I wish you all the very best.

NonPlayerCharacter · 26/01/2024 19:44

Jl2014 · 26/01/2024 19:22

I do wonder how genuine this relationship of his is. He is her boss. It is not a relationship of equals and by the sounds of it she isn’t actually willing to be with him. Doesn’t sound like the relationship of dreams to me…

It's a fantasy and even the OW isn't prepared to leave her real life for it, which says it all.

ttcat37 · 26/01/2024 19:46

Everafter6 · 26/01/2024 08:20

I don’t want it to be me that tells their work, but I honestly believe it will come out…. There were already rumours but I have never ever in 14 years ever doubted him.
But I don’t want it by my mouth. I want to take the high ground and be proud of my conduct through all this.

Fuck that. Go and shit in his briefcase and hang a bedsheet painted with “Sandra Smith is having an affair with Mike Everafter” near their work car park.

Itsdifferentnow · 26/01/2024 19:47

queenMab99 · 26/01/2024 17:30

Never mind that he has nowhere to go, my exhusband had to go to his parents retirement bungalow, for a few nights, then find a bedsit, as that was all he could afford. I had tried to forgive his affair, but found it very hard to trust him, and then realised he was still at it, so asked him to leave. He was devastated, as he didn't expect me to be so independent, but like you, I realised there was no future for us. You will find the strength to deal with whatever you need to, you have already coped with worse, just keep going, it will be easier without a disappointing husband letting you down, when you least expect it! My divorce was 30 years ago, and I had a good life afterwards, and even now when I look back, I can see that he wasn't the wonderful person I thought he was, all along. I had made allowances for him, as I thought he was stressed, when actually he was a selfish, self serving arse! Do not blame yourself, you were doing your best for your children, while he was too selfish to be thinking about you, or them.

These are wonderful words QueenMab99. Thank you. I can identify with so much. Especially how I constantly made excuses for mine. In fact I built a completely fictitious figure around his callous, rude, selfish and uncouth behaviour but found it harder to explain away his calculatedly and carefully prepared cruelty.

Everafter6 I am relieved to hear that numbness of the initial shock has broken and, altough it might feel worse when you cry, you are now feeling the reality of this man's behaviour. Don't be surprised if you get shocks of realisation as more of his actions in the past come to your mind and you see them in the cold light of what you really know about him now. He truly is totally selfish I think. Even too selfish to bother to save money from a very big salary! This was something I experienced - my now late husband was reasonably paid but never gave me a penny and was always complaining he hadn't enough money. I could not understand why. You will have a much better life when you have sorted all this out and are settled without him, I promise.
You've done a lot today - arranged a valuation of my house, found the name of a recommended local solicitor - off a local mums group on fb, and contacted citizens advice to make an appointment.- Great start! I hope the week-end goes ok and the children get on with their usual things and that keeps you going. Do try to avoid him, don't get involved in talking about where he's going to live etc. That will be dealt with by Solicitor's letters.

There is some good advice on this thread use that which comes from people who've been through it and learned the hard way. Protect your interests especially financial - his wayward spending is atrocious, says a lot about him, so get as much as you can in info on his spending and be sure to make notes on his involvement (or not) with child care.
Wishing you the very best. You are very capable. Good luck you deserve it. xx

Northernsouloldies · 26/01/2024 19:48

Everafter6 · 26/01/2024 08:20

I don’t want it to be me that tells their work, but I honestly believe it will come out…. There were already rumours but I have never ever in 14 years ever doubted him.
But I don’t want it by my mouth. I want to take the high ground and be proud of my conduct through all this.

I wouldn't tell his work only on the grounds it could impact you financially if he got fired other than that make his mind up for him with a bye bye fucker.

GreenFrog13 · 26/01/2024 19:54

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Please tell your best friend or your Mum, I think it’ll really help you.

Wishing you all the best

oakleaffy · 26/01/2024 19:59

Everafter6 · 26/01/2024 16:50

Because I know he spends every penny he earns… always has! Has never had savings hasn’t got that mind set.

£100,000 and no savings?
Come on, @Everafter6 , he's hiding his money in a secret account.
NO WAY can a man be earning £100,000 and have no savings.

Unless he has a crack cocaine habit? which I very much doubt.

He's probably treating the new fancy~woman ..He absolutely will have some savings stashed away.

Friend's husband certainly did have hidden money.

The early shock IS exhausting and numbing, and feels terrible.

Your husband is probably sick of being a parent, the relentless nature of looking after {particularly a disabled child} is hard..he probably wants some ''Fun'' and ''Passion'' in his life again, so often after children men do this.

They can be very selfish, especially if the 'Sparkle' has gone from the sex department.

And there is always an idiotic ''other woman'' willing to fall for them, particularly when he's a good earner on £100,000 K. {This may not be much in London, but in the rest of the country it's a good income}

Get what is due to you and your children.

He's clearly ''C**t Struck'' as Dad used to call it when men he knew left their wives and children.

Find your Anger, OP.

Tryingmybestadhd · 26/01/2024 19:59

Is this for real ? Are you really lowering yourself this low that you will stay with him ? Why ? Are you financially dependent?

Itsdifferentnow · 26/01/2024 20:03

Everafter6 · 26/01/2024 13:21

Yes I don’t currently feel the need to tell their work or her husband. I want to have clean hands in all this so I can hold my head up high for my actions throughout all this…. I have no doubt it will come out. It has to- but it will not be from me.

I have so much respect for you. For the above and for how you look after your children and work and how you didn't want to upset people.
You are a wonderful person, OP. Please look after yourself. Your mum, I feel sure even though of course I don't know her, would want to give you moral support and hug you. Please remember what I said, that it would hurt me to think my daughters tried to cope without telling me in case it upset me. I would rather know. I think from what you said, your mum will want to help you just by listening and making you a cup of tea. If I'm way off mark I m really sorry.
Similarly I hope you'll be able to talk to friends now. I think it's important to have your friends to support you.
Take care of yourself means treat yourself kindly, other people will want you to let them support you. Hope all goes well for the week-end. x

AcrossthePond55 · 26/01/2024 20:08

@Everafter6

I'm afraid I must agree with a few PPs. He's proven he can't be trusted, end of. So don't trust that he has no savings. Or perhaps he's put money into some type of retirement savings or other investment vehicles.

At any rate, your solicitor will know what to do. Just tell them that he's never 'admitted' to you that he has any savings.

oakleaffy · 26/01/2024 20:09

@Everafter6 You will get through it, but you need to find your rage! 💪 😤

Itsdifferentnow · 26/01/2024 20:16

oakleaffy

My late ex mysteriously managed to be aways short of money despite decent salary and never giving me a penny. Others in his work on lower salary had better cars, houses, holidays, generally better standard of living. I had to work or I had literally no money. I paid for our family holidays, the children's clothes and things they needed, my stuff of course, and I even bought his clothes too! He paid the mortgage which was below average, and the telephone and Council Tax, but I took over the Telephone as he stopped paying, I put money in for the other amenities which actually covered them well. I just have no idea what he did with his much higher salary than mine. It's the mystery of my life.
I simply have no idea where his money went.

Lavenderosa · 26/01/2024 20:20

I think people definitely need close allies at times like this. It sounds like they would be your close friends, who will put their arms around you, lift you up and let you vent. Wouldn't it be awful if one of them found a way to anonymously let the OW's husband know...

DeeLusional · 26/01/2024 20:23

oakleaffy · 26/01/2024 19:59

£100,000 and no savings?
Come on, @Everafter6 , he's hiding his money in a secret account.
NO WAY can a man be earning £100,000 and have no savings.

Unless he has a crack cocaine habit? which I very much doubt.

He's probably treating the new fancy~woman ..He absolutely will have some savings stashed away.

Friend's husband certainly did have hidden money.

The early shock IS exhausting and numbing, and feels terrible.

Your husband is probably sick of being a parent, the relentless nature of looking after {particularly a disabled child} is hard..he probably wants some ''Fun'' and ''Passion'' in his life again, so often after children men do this.

They can be very selfish, especially if the 'Sparkle' has gone from the sex department.

And there is always an idiotic ''other woman'' willing to fall for them, particularly when he's a good earner on £100,000 K. {This may not be much in London, but in the rest of the country it's a good income}

Get what is due to you and your children.

He's clearly ''C**t Struck'' as Dad used to call it when men he knew left their wives and children.

Find your Anger, OP.

Show quote history

Men who find the "grind" and "tedium" of real life too "boring" often find their excitement in gambling, whether it's horses,dogs, casinos. online poker. So just because you don't see any physical manifestation of their spending, doesn;t mean they aren't spending.

MadMadamMimz · 26/01/2024 20:27

Everafter6 · 26/01/2024 19:10

Again thanks for everyone’s advice. The three things I’ve done today are arranged a valuation of my house, found the name of a recommended local solicitor - off a local mums group on fb, and contacted citizens advice to make an appointment. Have buried my head in the sand about everything else for now as am thoroughly exhausted!

Well done OP. This will all feel very surreal for a while, almost like you are going through the motions and not actually realising this is your life. There will be times when it hits you and it will feel shit but we are all here for you.

Go live a fantastic life!

Valleypop · 26/01/2024 20:38

DeeLusional · 26/01/2024 20:23

Men who find the "grind" and "tedium" of real life too "boring" often find their excitement in gambling, whether it's horses,dogs, casinos. online poker. So just because you don't see any physical manifestation of their spending, doesn;t mean they aren't spending.

Show quote history

I agree - surely if he’s earning this much he’s bound to have savings . I also agree that the type of men who cheat do tend to have other , costly habits that tend to be things to try to excite them more . My experience it was drinking

Knackeredlass · 26/01/2024 20:39

Just wanted to say you are amazing 🤩, be aware you may crash this weekend but am in awe of your strength. KOKO.