Help! Husbands affair

[Everafter6]

Help!

I don’t know what I’m fecking doing… I found out my darling husband of 12 years (together 14) has been having an affair. But not only that ‘they have a connection, they are the same, he loves her more than he ever loved me’ was what he said when I found out- nice…. But alas they can’t be together as she can’t leave her husband!

So the day I found out - (messages on his phone, ) he didn’t come home and got a hotel for the night, the next night he came home … ‘I’m sorry it has to be you, it has to be us… blah blah blah….

Two weeks on he’s still really distant, still really protective of his phone, has told me he’s ‘not feeling it’ …. me and him he means. Has made no extra effort with family life, just works then sits and has his tea, stares at the tele, does more work, goes to bed. Weekends are very busy with family life.

Now here’s the other rub, they work together, he’s her boss. If it gets out this potentially has huge consequences for both their careers….. I have not told a soul what has happened as I am carrying on in a daze. I went to work the same day, have just carried on….. If we were to get back together I wouldn’t want anyone to know about this blip in our marriage, (as in the big scheme of things 10 weeks in 14 years together) I know I could forgive….. but it’s breaking me! I know he wants her more than me, but is staying as they can’t be together…..

She was signed off sick for two weeks ‘stress’ poor love, hard work being an adulterer hey! And she’s back in work today. I am led to believe it’s the first time they’ve seen each other in two weeks (but who know my husband works very long hours and is a liar!!)

I’ve said to my husband that I don’t want him to come home tonight and he needs to speak to professionals (counseling to process things) and decide what he wants to do.

I am just so shell shocked that I am being such a walk over!

I know I am doing it for our family and for the future I thought we had.

To be honest our relationship wasn’t great. And it hasn’t been for a few years - our youngest son is disabled and I dedicate most of my energy to him. We can’t go on holiday due to his needs, can’t have family days out, , family meals out, rarely have time together / dates nights. But that I thought was starting up again as we now have respite and support for our family. We had two nights out together this winter and a lunch date and spa day… I thought we were working towards being ‘us’ again…. Clearly not.

I don’t know why I am being such a walk over!
I can’t speak to anyone and feel if I do it will blow up and create a whole heap of mess I am not ready for!

Help! I need some advice

Of course they can. My husband earns more than double that and we don’t have a penny in savings.

I just want to make a very important point here, about any debt that he has. A poster upthread said that even if debts are in his name, that its marital debt. This is ONLY if you allow it to be included in the financial settlement, and I would argue against this. Just say no, it's not my debt and I want him to service it.

I worked in debt collection for decades, and a creditor can only pursue the person whose name is on the account. So, if your name isn't on it, just refuse to accept it in the settlement agreement.

Your DH earns over £200k, and you don't have a penny in savings? Come on now! I reckon he has, he's just not sharing them with you.

The two circumstances are different. The agreement with the lender is one thing. He will be obliged to repay it and that can be enforced. But this circumstance isn’t relevant to the divorce process. Just like a house or car in his name is considered an asset.

The marriage agreement means that it is relevant to a divorce if incurred in the pursuit of the marriage. It reduces the net asset pool being shared.

If the debt is incurred in pursuit of something outside the marriage like gambling she can have it assigned to him. But if it was used for holidays and living then it is both theirs.

Everafter6 So glad you slept. I expect Citizens Advice can tell you about Universal Credit. It did strike me that with his going (which he should) he may not even be there to help with children at all. Even if he doesn't anyway, he is another adult to mind the others while you bath the young one or other similar examples. So not having the back-up of another adult around plus a disabled child could mean you might have to cut back on work hours. It's just a thought - obviously I do not know.

A lot of people are quoting Fairy MacClary's thoughtful contribution. A lot of it concerns the possibility of reconciliation. I have serious doubts as to whether this is best for you as he has revealed so many terribly untrustworthy traits. He will make your life hell. I would rather you took on board where she says;
'Many marriages seem to end around 2-5 years post infidelity when they realise the spouse they married was a lie. If he cannot do the work to work out why he chose to break his own vows you will not fix this.

You and the marriage did not cause this - he chose to cheat BECAUSE HE WANTED TO. No other reason. Unmet needs are nonsense. He didn’t cheat because you were cross or because you didn’t cook nicely or because he hates your friend Clare from school. He cheated because he wanted to. He left his window and door open to other people - he chose not to stop at the first hint of flirting. He chose to fan the flame. It was not an accident or a mistake. It was a choice - thousands of choices.

You need to push him off the fence. He can land on the fresh grass with his shitty personality traits that make him a man who says it is okay to cheat having a relationship with a woman who also has no integrity and doesn’t believe in fidelity. Or he can land on his own lawn and do the work to make it green. But you need to stop him dithering and that is to pull the plug yourself (which seems counter intuitive).'

That seems to fit well with what you have been saying.
I hope the week-end is going well.

With love and prayers x.

It’s the usual

you caring for the disabled child
him being a weak person and selfish

he’s told you what you need to know

start ignoring him
tell your people
get paperwork ready (it’s a slow process )

i beleive shes on stress leave
she knows it’s a fucking mess !

and you being angry is totally ok
some people murder when they are cheated on ! I’m not advocating that
but allow your anger

What if they have house that costs millions and massive mortgage, debts, expensive cars, astronomical energy bills? Is it really that difficult to understand that people often have different life styles/experiences rather then implying to the stranger that their husband is hiding money from them.

We don’t. Why would we? We’ve got investments, assets but no savings.

He can’t not share it with me. His salary goes into our joint account. There is no separation of finances.

Exactly this. Last month we booked a half term holiday, paid for it in cash. Some people just don’t save. We have enough assets that we don’t need to. What would be saving for?

It’s all good and well to give that advice but if the other side refuses to sign without it included then what do you think happens?

@naysayers1 so what do you do if your boiler breaks, or your car breaks down or something like that? If you don't have any savings?

Absolutely he's squirrelling that away somewhere untouchable. Don't be fooled into thinking otherwise.
During our divorce my ex point blank refused to declare his financial position.
My solicitor went for the jugular in the settlement , which cost him the house.

@AnneValentine what on earth do you spend £9/10k a month on if you aren't saving anything? The mind boggles

@lapsedrdwhoenthusiast probably what most people who don't have saving do, get a loan, use the overdraft, stick it on a credit card, be cold/middle through without a car! Having spare cash is not the norm you know.

Mortgage 4200
cars 900
childcare 800
clubs and lessons 600
meal prep 120 per week
holidays and weekends away varies
dinners out varies
investments plus pension 1000
my life insurance 50
gym 100
utilities 500
mobiles 200
personal care 300-400

there's other stuff I’ve forgotten.

Yeah. He’s not. His and my salary are paid into a joint account. I manage all the money. Unless he’s got a second job which would be impossible given the hours he works. There is no separation of finances.

Actually second job would be flagged on his tax return and credit report. As would savings.

People really think high earners have the same life styles and expenses as an average person. They absolutely don't. They have big houses with huge mortgages and high costs of running those houses, expensive cars, private schools or extra lessons /classes for children, childcare, house help, holidays etc etc. It's very easy to spend that money. Implying that someone's husband must be hiding money away is really over the top and unnecessary. You probably know your husband and your financial situation better then strangers on Internet.

It’s hilarious to me that they think with that kind of income I would care if he was! And what would be be squirrelling it away for?! A rainy day when we get divorced? Mind blowing.

Well most of you will be pleased to know that I spoke to my mum today and told her EVERYTHING! And am going to see my sister tomorrow. Have decided not to share with my friends yet, as they’re too volatile! 😊 But I know my mum and sister will be an amazing support!

You’ll also be pleased to know he is now ‘completely dead ‘ to me and I’m officially done!

He does not know this yet.

He did come home last night and has refused to leave. So I am playing happy families whilst behind the scenes ‘getting my ducks in a row’. I am now a woman on a mission to secure the best future for my boys. Realistically this is all going to take time and we are going to have to live with each other until the house sells.

I have no idea what is going on with him and the OW but to be honest I don’t care. They are welcome to each other!

Wow I’m exhausted! But feeling more in control and now am forming a plan!!!

Thanks again ladies for your support yesterday…. It was invaluable X X x

Wow OP the change in your tone is absolutely amazing, I'm so pleased for you. I'm equally happy that you've told your mum as you'll definitely need support through this. I hope everything turns out well for you and your children.

I am really glad to hear you have told your mum and are seeing your sister tomorrow.
It's too much to cope with on your own.
I hope all goes well for you next week with the appointments.💐

Good for you OP and hope it all works out good for you and your children.🌺
You'll be well rid of him that's for sure.

@Everafter6 you are amazing

@Everafter6 That's wonderful!!

Yes, let your mum and sis support you. They'll be the rock you can lean on and your soft place to land. And I agree that if your friends can't base their 'reactions' on what you want/need from them, keep it to yourself for now.

As far as him being back, there's not much you can to about his 'physical' presence. But it's time to stop any/all domestic services and to move into a spare room (if possible) or find some way to sleep separately, even if it's a pile of pillows or a rolled up blanket running down the length of the bed, like a bundling board.

If he's refusing to leave, I'm wondering if he's already gotten legal advice. One of the main things people who own homes are told is "Don't leave the marital home". Keep an eye on any accounts you have access to in case he starts moving money. Also I think it's time to move any important documents to your mother's. Birth, marriage, passports, financial records, house deeds, etc. Or if that can't be done without him noticing, copy them. And keep an eye on them to be sure they don't 'disappear'. If he has them locked away, you may want to consider demanding they be kept where you both have access to them.

If you're going to be 'living together separately', then you may want to consider telling him you and he need a 'primary parent' schedule on who has primary care of the DC. Who will do school runs on what days, who will bath & bedtime, etc. Let him see what being a single parent will be like.

Bloody well done OP.

Keep posting for support when you need it. Your mum and sis will be a great irl support. Lean on them (and here) as much as you need ❤️

I am pleased for you op. I am pleased you can see the best way forward for you and your children. I am also pleased that you are calm - this is still your strength in this.

Speak to lawyers, get your finances in order. Take copies of pensions etc. Keep a diary of how often he has the children for a future CMS claim if required. Change your death in service at work, plus where any pensions go and on your life insurance straight away so you have the right beneficiaries. People often forget this one. Then write a new will. Don’t remind him to do the above as you are likely to be his beneficiary still.

While he is lost in the land of dopamine use this to your advantage. There is a chance he will start wailing, begging and pleading when his reality hits. If you can manage it I wouldn’t discuss until you are in a position to serve him divorce papers. It means you can get stuff done in peace. You may find he starts wailing and making life hard especially if the ow dumps him. She may end things with him when life with him becomes a possibility she never wanted. A single OM is a greater risk to her marriage as he then has nothing to lose by telling her husband. She may also fear you telling her husband.

All the best op for your future. Remember to look after yourself every day. Eat, drink water and exercise.