Husband has another child

[LAC247]

Hi All
I am in need of some advice my partner of 23 years has decided to go ahead and have a DNA test with a 32 Year Old without discussing it with his current family 2 DC and his mum decided to blurt it out on the phone, he wont show me the DNA test saying it is non of my business is that normal behavior.
Long Story short this person was conceived in a one off at a young age before our relationship started a few boys was a possible father but the mother decided to tell her child years later my oh was the dad, of which we decided as a couple it wouldn't go anywhere having 2 young children to bring up and with her being an adult nothing would be achieved and now years later its all been brought up again. Our children don't want any relationship so how to moved forward :(

How lovely that your children have a surprise older sister while they're still young enough to appreciate her! You're so lucky to have a second chance after depriving them of a relationship with her when they were tiny.

Except that's not how you've been presenting things to them, is it, OP? Shitty parenting from you.

I bloody hate the possessive cage some people lock their families in.

So basically

• there was a story going around about your husband being the father of child (presuming he slept with her as she was 'easy' but subsequently couldn't be sure the child was his because other people had slept with her aswell)

• he asked your opinion when you were together years later & a mother yourself wether you thought she was able to determine the father & wether he should include this child in with his other kids

• you said you didn't want to be involved & would just focus on your kids as the only kids in the relationship no step child ect.

• he later re-connected with his 'love' child

• he underwent a dna test that showed him as the father

• hes kept you out of the matter & is now refusing to discuss it with you but only his children when he's ready

???

If this is the case then you probably have to just respect it - you & the child will never have a relationship beyond a 'by marriage' arrangement
Obviously it's not preferable but it's also not a mark on your relationship either with it having happened years before you met & being aware of it. Your children may very well change their minds about it all once they have kids & familys of their own so it's good he's willing to include them when he's ready

His shit behaviour predates yours but you need to own that you gave him an ultimatum. By all means if you didn’t want to be part of the situation you have a right to remove yourself from it, but it shouldn’t have depended on whether or not he chose to pursue a relationship.

None of you need to see that DNA test. The man has already shown a willingness to avoid his responsibilities where his daughter is concerned. Given it’s even being discussed, you already know the answer.

At best? What does that mean.

My siblings are all half siblings except my adoptive brother and step sisters. I never refer to them as my half sister and half brother.

You are correct she might not want to have a relationship with any of them but yes, if they are biologically related they are siblings. That's just science. Not sure why the "half" makes a big difference in reference.

The children will 'know' it's their sibling if the father tells them it's their sibling unless they themselves dispute it & request a dna test themselves when there over 18 (just asking for it/lying about wanting to know if there their fathers children ect.)

The only person he would be proving it to (& then you in turn would inform the children ?) Would be you.... right ?

You want to see the dna proof before you allow them to be informed they have a sibling ?

Ah, so he has said the DNA test is a match?

Then why would anyone need to see the results. Do you think he's lying? And the kids don't need to see a piece of paper. I never questioned my siblings DNA.

Poor kid! No you don't get a veto on this, it should have been dealt with when she was younger. The reason he's done it behind your back is because he knows your thinking.

You don’t have the right to demand he show you the DNA test results and gatekeeper to your sons’ knowledge of their half sister.

Sounds like a shit show all round.
Sadly a person who has done nothing wrong and didn't ask to be in it is caught right in the middle.

You want to see the dna proof before you allow them to be informed they have a sibling ?

well tbh it’s fair enough I think.

I mean if someone was coming on MN saying that an ex gf was saying they were pg with their child, most people would say to get a DNA test first. (Ofc not in a committed relationship bla blabla).
And I don’t think that telling children they have a sibling when it might not be the case and it would all come out unravelling a few years later is a good idea either.
And first and foremost, it wouldn’t be fair on the child themselves. Can you imagine thinking you had found your long lost father to then learn actually he isn’t ?!?

So yes a DNA is fair enough for everyone involved.

I must have mis read - I thought it was uncertain who it was for years and then the mother said it was the OP's husband which is when they decided to ignore her.

I don't understand...

He's had the test for a reason. Do you still doubt that he is the father? Why do you think he would lie about that? I do find it really odd that he won't show you the results, but at the same time I don't know why you think he would lie about it and insist on seeing them.

Why after all this time was the DNA test arranged? How did they come to be in contact?

Sorry if you already answered some of that.

This thread just proves that women are responsible for men’s behaviour. I cannot understand the posters who are blaming the OP when it is quite clear that it is her husband who is a twat.

• The OP was just 17 when she met her 25yo man. This is a huge age gap when that young and I’d be worried about her if she were my daughter. 17 is an actual, legal child. 25 is a proper adult and men will continue to be selfish dicks as long as women claim “but they’re just immature” at twenty-fucking-five.
• She was clear with him early on that she absolutely would not be involved with someone who already had a child. This is exactly what we say on here all the time. If you didn’t want to be a step parent you shouldn’t get with someone who has a kid. She tried to do the right thing and was lied to.
• Once already tied to him by marriage and children he admits the child could well be his. Despite knowing all along she wouldn’t be with him if she knew the truth: he’d essentially trapped her. She probably should have just walked away at that point, but it isn’t always that easy to break up your children’s home. The ultimatum was a mistake (her only one btw).
• The OP’s partner chose his wife over his child. If a mother did that she’d be slaughtered on here, not defended.
• Years later the partner has secretly had a DNA test and refuses to share the result with the OP. He may well have continued to lie if his own mum hadn’t told the OP the truth.

There is exactly one dickhead here - the OP’s husband. The OP has every right to worry about how her DC will cope finding out about a secret sibling. And she should seriously consider why on earth she puts up with this entirely selfish man.

I really don't think that you and the other kids need to see the test. You knew this was a possibility and why would he lie about it being positive that he was the woman's father? As for your kids... he's their dad and they trust him- I assume- so therefore should trust that he's telling the truth on this.

Also, after rereading your OP- mega ick that he was a 25yr old with a 9yr old daughter when he got together with you when you were SEVENTEEN. I would suggest that your feeling so threatened by his daughter at the start of the relationship was a lot to do with your immaturity at the time. And maybe in a way you're stuck there as that threatened 17yr old.

@JemimaTiggywinkles has written all I wanted to say. There is only one person in this sorry saga who should be slated and that's the OP 's lying husband. If I'd been lied to for so long I'd want to see the test too, just to stop myself from going crazy.

Agree with @JemimaTiggywinkles too. The responsibility is squarely on the dh shoulders there.

I have to say I didn’t realise everyone’s age when all of this happened.

So you said you'd break up with him?

of which we decided as a couple it wouldn't go anywhere having 2 young children to bring up and with her being an adult nothing would be achieved and now years later its all been brought up again. Our children don't want any relationship so how to moved forward :(

"as a couple"? There may be a child but instead of finally finding out for sure, made the decision to deny because you already had other children who were more important? If your children don't want a relationship that is because they have been influenced not to.

He certainly knew what he was doing when he went after a naive teenager at 25. He already had a possible child he'd fucked off and needed to wipe that slate clean. Along came you and he was able to rewrite his life with you as a willing accomplice.

If he's not showing you the test, he's clearly the father if he wants to pursue a relationship. You do what you need to do with that knowledge. Don't get bogged down by the mysterious test, he's the biggest indicator of what it says

He's not showing the DNA test because it's positive. I'm guessing he is concerned you'll leave him if you see it. It's sad for the 32 year old that you and your children want nothing to do with her because if his parents are involved with her she might get invited to family events. Will be sad if his Mum has a birthday party or whatever and your kids blank her.

None of the "adults" in this mess seem mature or intelligent enough to be having any children to be honest....

I think my point is being missed by many.
He was asked when we met if the child was his and he denied it, he was told that was a deal breaker for me i was allowed to make that choice .
When it came up years later once again i was allowed to make that original choice, our kids would of been allowed to have a relationship with the sibling if that is the case back then he choose not to go ahead with it.
It is not the child's fault her mother has lied for years and years he should of insisted he had the test done when she was born to clear it up 16 or not he choose to have unprotected sex which resulted in a child.
His mother was more than aware of it all and she also choose not to doing anything about it until now when it has suited her is that not wrong.
The woman lived on the same street as my OH did and the other boys that was in question one of them had contact with the child for 6 months until he found out he was not the father.
The child contacted oh on social media 8 weeks ago that's when he said they met up and did the apparent test.
After a lot of thought an advise Ive took on board its time to walk away and let OH get on with his own life with or without his 3 children that is on him now.

No wonder he didn't show you the test result, he knew if he did that he wouldn't have your support and you would leave.

Really confused about why this is a dealbreaker for you, - he put YOU first instead of a child (that would be the dealbreaker for me to be honest!!) and now you are punishing him for wanting to finally do the right thing and construct some kind of relationship WITH HIS CHILD.

You aren't taking on board advice, you are running away from a situation that you are trying to manipulate as you would prefer that he had nothing to do with this.

No wonder he didn't show you the test result, he knew if he did that he wouldn't have your support and you would leave.

This doesn’t feel right to me.
The OP has the right to not want to be involved with a man who already has children. She said that right from the start. That’s her boundary. And one many MNters would agree is an excellent one.

So, to me, it sounds like you are suggesting it’s normal for someone to lie because they know their partner would actually follow on respecting their own boundaries? Is that right? Why?!?
Because I’m pretty sure that of it was any other boundary, no one (I hope) would agree with that.

@chemicalworld No wonder he didn't show you the test result, he knew if he did that he wouldn't have your support and you would leave.

Really confused about why this is a dealbreaker for you... You aren't taking on board advice, you are running away from a situation

Amazing that the female is being blamed for the lying and deceitful behaviour of the male.

He took her agency away from her at the start of the relationship by not being honest. If he's not a good partner, she's entitled to move forward.