Husband has another child

[LAC247]

Hi All
I am in need of some advice my partner of 23 years has decided to go ahead and have a DNA test with a 32 Year Old without discussing it with his current family 2 DC and his mum decided to blurt it out on the phone, he wont show me the DNA test saying it is non of my business is that normal behavior.
Long Story short this person was conceived in a one off at a young age before our relationship started a few boys was a possible father but the mother decided to tell her child years later my oh was the dad, of which we decided as a couple it wouldn't go anywhere having 2 young children to bring up and with her being an adult nothing would be achieved and now years later its all been brought up again. Our children don't want any relationship so how to moved forward :(

Is it just me in thinking that 32 years ago a 16 year old boy might not think - hey I need to sort out a dna test? In this day and age of ancestory.com a dna check is easy to do but 32 years ago I don’t think my teens would know how to go about this

The phone was on loud speaker that is why the other children heard the conversation.
I might not have all the grammar correct. I have a lot running through my mind at the moment as does three other people who all deserve answer and the truth finally. If the DNA test had been done then all three children deserve to know the truth he refuses to show it which is why the post in the first place. I appreciate all the comments good or bad that’s why I posted it to get other people opinion's.

You say you have him a choice - but really you gave him ultimatum. And he probably doesn’t want to tell you in case you pull the same card out.

The neither of you are coming out of this smelling of roses. You both need to do the right thing by a woman who has the right to know her genetics

Is it just me in thinking that 32 years ago a 16 year old boy might not think - hey I need to sort out a dna test?
I don't think they existed for the general public.

Please stop saying this women is their sibling.

At best, if it's true, she is a half sibling.

Many families where there have been divorces and a new family, with age gaps, don't have anything to do with half siblings where there is a huge age gap.

The phone was on loud speaker that is why the other children heard the conversation.

well, that's a bit silly.
Why do you do that in your house?

Is it just me in thinking that 32 years ago a 16 year old boy might not think - hey I need to sort out a dna test?

Maybe not.

Also seems odd though that no one would be thinking about the father taking any responsibility at all.

Maybe that wasn't a thing then either??

32 years ago, no one would necessarily pursue a 16 year old girl and a 16 year old boy to find out who fathered a child.

Especially when the girl didn't know which one of many boys were the father.

It's not clear why the mother is so sure he is the father!

Why? His ( possible) child his choice. OP is being unreasonable.

But you told him, if he did have any contact with his daughter, you would support him 'as a friend'!

So you told him if he tried to find out at the time if she was his daughter or not, then you would leave him.

That's appalling. And I say that as someone who had a 40 year old half sibling suddenly appear out of nowhere, so I think I'm quite qualified to have an opinion!!!

All I can say is I feel so very sorry for the 32year old.

I can't understand why he won't show the results of the test.

How can any meaningful decisions be made by anyone when you're all operating on guesswork?

You need to know for definite one way or the other so you know what you're making decisions ABOUT.

So has there actually been a DNA test?

Your posts on the subject of the test are contradictory.

Your H is a horrible man to turn his back on a child he had reason to believe was his. Presumably he hasn't paid a penny in child support all these years. Presumably his awful family have supported him in his fecklessness.

That's the problem here.

You're part of the issue insofar as you are hostile to the older child and seem to think that this child would cause trouble.

You need to tell your husband to choose rightnover wrong now, and do his duty toward his daughter (assuming the DNA test has been done).

FYI it is pursue , not peruse. Completely differently meanings..

This would be a deal breaker for me. My dc have the right to know if they have a sibling and you need to show me the results. If you are staying with him whatever the results then tell him that.

@mathanxiety You need to tell your husband to choose right over wrong now, and do his duty toward his daughter (assuming the DNA test has been done).

It would be great if the OP could encourage her partner to do the right thing - better for everyone.

But it's appalling that it's seen as the job of women to be the conscience of good-for-nothing partners. Does he not have a mind and conscience of his own? He's a grown man.

He is out of order but actually so were you to shut this down when it first came up years ago. Also, your joint children together have a right to know their sibling (if that’s what they turn out to be) and it sounds like you’ve turned them against this.
if this person does turn out to be your husbands child then you’ve wasted years not getting to know them. A very sad situation indeed

Absolutely this

mathanxiety
Ive been told there has been a test done but I have not seen any evidence to suggest it is true.

You need to tell your husband to stop fucking dicking around here, and tell the truth.

He is being utterly unreasonable in refusing to tell you.

Has he told his mother? What did she say that your children heard?

This is actually so totally ridiculous. There is no need for a fraction of the drama. He's either the woman's father or not. If he is, let's face it she probably doesn't have much need of him now, but the choice should be hers. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. I don't care if he was 16 or 60.

Well my guess would be that if the test was negative then he wouldn't be bothered about you seeing the results, so chances are he won't show you because it's positive.

I can sort of see the logic in thinking 'nothing would be achieved' if your DH's potential daughter was already an adult when the option of a DNA test became available...Is it better to keep everyone happily in the dark, or drop a bombshell that has the potential to ruin family relationships? It is a very difficult situation for all parties and it's impossible to make a 'right' choice. Despite the difficulties, I ultimately disagree with the decision not to do anything when your children were young. Everyone should have the choice of knowing where they come from. Not least of which from a medical point of view (are there any hereditary risks this poor woman needs to be aware of, or traits she could pass on to her own children?).

I can also sort of see why your DH says this is none of your business, as the child was born well before you two were involved and he hasn't been part of her life. But it is your children's business, and it therefore becomes your business, as it's usually the mother who has to deal with the fallout. I think he should show you the DNA test but, ultimately, you can't force him. All you can do is control your own actions. You knew this was a possibility and decided on a relationship with him anyway, so does knowing for sure really change the nature of your relationship? If your children are questioning, you could simply say the truth, 'I would tell you if I knew the answers, but I don't; you need to ask your dad' or say that it's possible they have a half sibling, but it's impossible to know without a DNA test and leave it that. Any further questions about why there hasn't been a DNA test/what the results are, direct to their dad.

I agree with this. He is the father, he’s scared of your reaction or doesn’t want to admit it’s his child. I’m not sure I could be with someone who has ignored the fact they may have a child for the last 32 years and is still trying to cover it up. I wouldn’t want that kind of man being a father to my children.

So has all this come about because your DH’s mother mentioned on the phone, over speaker, that there is another offspring in existence?

Is that all? Has this 32 year old woman said she wants a relationship with your or your children? Does you DH want a relationship with her? What exactly is actually being asked of you and your kids?

Surely the first step in all over this is between your DH and his adult daughter? It doesn’t really impact you or your children right now given that she is 32.

Also, why on earth would you or your DH show an 11 year old a DNA test?? Surely all they need to be told is the truth from their father. Not see actual documentary evidence. Would an 11 year old even be able to understand medical test results?

I'm glad it's not just me - how can anyone really understand this gobbledegook?

Did you really that expect a potential child to just be buried away because it inconvenienced him you and your children ? Are you for real?
why would o anyone prevent a parent from contacting their child ? What is your issue exactly ?

It’s pretty obvious he’s the father or he would have shown you the DNA. He needs to stop being an idiot and tell you all the truth. This poor girl has been lied to for years and now he’s continuing to deny her to his family. He needs to sort this out