I don't love my husband anymore

[Womblemom]

After 20 years together, and 15 years married, I told my husband I don't love him any more in early December. I told him I couldn't see us growing old together and I wanted a divorce.

We haven't had a big relationship crisis such as an affair, money problems or arguments.

We have three kids together who are all still at school. For years he has worked hard and I have done the lions share of domestic and childcare stuff, We have no support from family and we don't live close to them.

We live in a suburban area of London. For about 10 years I have longed to live where I grew up in the Cotswolds. I find where we live really dull and have no real friends there, despite living here for 10 years. Five years ago, I became depressed and was put on anti depressants. I received CBT through NHS counselling where we talked through my issues. These were mainly having undiagnosed post natal depression after the birth of my second child and ongoing feelings of helplessness and loneliness, stemming from dissatisfaction in my marriage. My husband worked long hours when the children were small and still kept up his hobbies. He plays golf every weekend for at least one day. He has always been more forceful at getting his way in our relationship.

I tried discussing needing to move back when I was depressed years ago, this ended up in a few arguments. In the last one, my husband said he would never have married me if he knew I'd wanted to move out of London. To be honest, I was shocked that anyone wouldn't want to move out of London so it didn't come up before we married. All of our friends have moved out of London over the years.

My husband has never paid me a compliment when we've been married, never holds my hand or acts affectionally. Sex became another job around the house, I did it because if we stopped, we wouldn't be married anymore.

The kids are older now, two are at secondary school, and I have reached crisis point, I just don't love him. I have started to fall other people and I just need to be with someone else. I long for this, my heart aches to be with someone else.

We have a lot of equity on our home and I can afford to move home without him if we divide our assets. I don't have a firm plan but would like to move back to the Cotswolds and be near real friends, not isolated here.

After telling my husband that I wanted a divorce, he has transformed into the most amazing husband, the friends that he has confided in are shocked and they keep telling me how "sad" they are about our news, and how perfect we are. I know this isn't true in my soul. My husband is adamant that we "try" but I genuinely don't know what that means. How can I force myself to love someone? I feel lost, at sea, and would prefer to move forward with separation as it feels so phoney. We are at Relate and it has been no help whatsoever. In fact it has made us argue more.

Please can anyone comment if you have been in the same situation or fell out of love? I am being made to feel that it is simply a matter of time and things can be magical again simply but talking and doing couple's exercises. Has anyone else found Relate useful? Any shared experiences? Most of my friends are not independent from our relationship and simply want us to stay together for the children. I long to be without him.

Am I making a big mistake or am I being brave in saying how I really feel. Help! :(

Sounds to me like you already know exactly what you want, and that the time for him to play at being the perfect husband / work on the relationship was five years ago. You don’t need anyone’s permission to leave him.

That said, you do need to work when you could realistically move home to the Cotswolds. If your teens are living at home and are at school in London then you can’t simply sell the family home and move to Cotswolds. Unless you’d be aiming for him to have 100% custody? In which case I expect a judge would order that the family home can’t be sold until the youngest child turns eighteen, which limits your money to move on, a lot. Or are you hoping that the children will move to the Cotswolds with you? That seems unlikely given friends and GCSE prep.

I’d suggest quietly going to have a chat with a divorce solicitor and work out what your practical options are regarding the children and housing. Perhaps you’ll need to live elsewhere in London until the children are older I don’t know.

Good luck.

You have every right to express how you feel and it’s likely your current h has at all stepped up because it’s dawned on him you’re serious about leaving.

I would consider seeing a counsellor who is BACP registered on
my own and from that decide on when you want to start divorce proceedings. You only need to give your own self permission to leave.

Consider too what you want to teach your children about relationships and what they are learning here. Staying in what is a loveless relationship will do them no favours as children tend to copy what they learnt about relationships from parental example. Divorce is not failure, living in unhappiness is.

You need to consider the fact that if you separate a move to the Cotswolds is unlikely, the children are probably comfortable where they are at least until they go to university.

Apart from that don't let your husband manipulate you, he just likes his easy life. Finally, stop having sex, it's soul destroying having sex because you feel you have too.

I would try relate. I have fallen out of love and in love with my husband a few times. We both have changed our behavior to each other massively and it has lasted years so it is possible
If all that fails then leave but I wouldn't leave without trying.. look at the dating threads here. You might want to meet someone new but it seems to be slim pickings out there

It’s the parent who moves away who must transport the kids for their time with the other parent. Would you make you kids move away from their entire lives? What job will you do?

They’re already at Relate workshy46 and it’s not working.

Thank you I have spoken to a solicitor. I know that I can't just move, its something that I have worried about for years, it leads to me feeling very trapped. Me moving to the Cotswolds would cost us a lot less should we divorce and this would be a point for negotiation . I have two kids who aren't doing GCSE's yet (one is still at primary school) so we would have to discuss what to do. I'm aware we would need mutual consent. This sounds like an awful thing to admit "out loud" but I am prepared to move by myself as I don't want to be dictated to by my husband about this issue anymore. He wouldn't be able to have them all full time, so he knows that they would need to be with me. I won't be taking him to court or fighting with him however. We would need to sell the home so my housing needs are met, I have had to work part time over the years to support his career. If he doesn't agree to this, I will live in our large family home and he will need to move out, and we will have to sell when my daughter is 18. If he won't let me move, he will have to continue to work to support us financially in London when he could just agree to let me live where I want to. I know that this is open to debate and am ready to compromise for the freedom not to be with a man I'm not in love with.

We are at Relate - the woman says very little and all we get is couples exercises. Things like improving communication and getting to know each other better. Struggling to see how this makes to feel butterflies again. Or get over the huge resentment of being forced to live a life in a place you don't want to be. How did you find Relate? What did you find that helped? I just want the woman to say what she's thinking, to give some actual advice, voice an opinion. All I get is a worksheet and she sits back and watches the pain of us ripping each other to shreds.

I know there is slim pickings! I am prepared to live alone for the rest of my life with the prospect of eventually being with someone that I actually want to be with, than be forced into staying in a marriage that makes me feel like I've died inside.

C00k - I work part time three days a week (only 50% of my time in the office), there is a direct mainline train service to London from where I want to move and I could commute for 1 and a half days a week. It is well paid for what I do and I can do my job from there.
I would need to negotiate what to do about the children and I know that it is messy, divorce isn't easy.

Stop going and find a different counsellor (not related).

Relationship counselling can also be used to negotiate a separation.

I think you are being very naive to be honest.

I would love to sell up and move to the coast. The reality is that isn't particularly possible and to make it possible I would have up end our kids lives and reduce their opportunities in life.

The fact you say you would be willing to walk away from your kids to move honestly I'd be questioning how controlled your depression is. Most people who have secure attachments to their children wouldnt be willing to move to be closer to friends over being a regular part of their children's childhood.

It doesn't sound like you feel trapped in your marriage but also as a mother.

Can you fall in love again in your marriage. Yes.

I think its stupidly unrealistic to expect to stay in a relationship with someone for over half your life and love to stay the same and have butterflies day in day out. They come and go.

But that depends on what is left to build from and what your core values are as a couple/a family and your desire to stay in the relationship. Love and true connection just doesn't happen it's built/invested in and priotised.

But you have to be open to it as even a possibility. Of redesigning what your relationship/future and goals are.

You aren't.

Find a new counsellor. Just because she is from relate doesn't mean she is good.

Honestly op. I think you haven't thought this through at all. It's far far more likely that your children will choose to stay in London near their existing schools rather than upsticks to follow your dream. In that instance you'll have to pay your husband maintenance and may not get half the equity in the house.

Blaming your husband for ruining your life because he wouldn't move to thr cotswalls is all a hit unhinged to be honest .

You really have two questions.

Are you making a mistake?

No one can possibly answer this as they don't know your situation. When you make a choice do what you can to make it the right choice. But there is no guarantee that you still will not regret it. Perhaps think about what the best that could happen and the worse that could happen, if the worse is still better than your current situation then maybe you have nothing to lose. But that worst could include a conversation with your children where they ask "why did you leave dad? It really hurt for a long time" or if they see dad crying all the time because he misses you then they may resent you. Or he may get another partner and they may grow close to her and how will you feel about that? I am not saying any of this to guilt you, but you need to be realistic that these things can happen.

As a PP says, you sound really down at the moment and escape always seems great then but once you have escaped what then?

My wife did essentially the same to me as you are doing to your husband (although saying she had never loved me so maybe a bit different and refused to do any relationship counselling). Thirteen years later, although I see little of her and only hear of her through my children. she still seems really unhappy even though she has a new man. Anecdote is useless evidence really but I am saying maybe there are other reasons for your unhappiness that are not related to living in London and your husband. I clearly do not know if this is the case or not, only saying that if that is the case then maybe you could be making a mistake.

Are you being brave in saying how you feel?

Yes, because it was the right thing to do and took courage so yes you are brave. Nothing would change until you vocalised it.

@Wonderingforever Thanks for your comments. I need someone to talk to me like this! Just to note that where I am moving is only 90 mins from London and better connected to other cities in the UK like Birmingham and Bristol than we are here in South West London. From where I live it takes 7 hours to drive to my family in North Yorkshire, it is 3 and a half hours from there due to better motorway connections. The schools are better there too, the state schools are either church (which we are not) where we live or over subscribed, over fiercely competitive grammar schools. We have had to send the two older kids private for this reason. Both the state comprehensive schools and the grammar schools are better regarded in league tables and easier to get into where I plan to move. So not all is great in London. They can achieve anything they want, I am not moving to rural Scotland or indeed the coast. There is a 90 minute direct high speed train which they can take anytime thy want to work in London. The fact y husband can't see these advantages has led to deep resentment and I am not sure I can get over that. I appreciate how it comes across saying I want to move more than see my children, in reality I am simply calling his bluff. If I end up having to stay, it will cost a lot more. I read a lot about people falling back in love with their partner but there is very little detail on this. If anyone could say how they actually managed to fall back in love with their long-term partner it would greatly help me. Not loving my partner has caused me to fall for several other people over the years (not just a one off). It pains me to think that I am trapped with a man I feel nothing romantically. The only thing I am depressed about is my marriage, I realised that medication wasn't the answer, my therapist guided me to see that resolving the problems in my marriage or leaving the marriage was the only solution. Also if anyone has solved the relocation problem please also comment!

@jm9138 Thanks so much for your perspective, this is really helpful. I have spoken to my husband about him seeing other people in counselling. I would not mind if he saw other people. I didn't realise that this wasn't normal until my husband pointed out that this wasn't normal as he would hate me seeing someone else. I would be happy for him in the long run if he actually met someone who loved him. I feel like I am lying to him and the world by staying his wife. On the note about moving away. I love all the time I spend there, and am really sad when I go home. Whilst life would still have it's challenges, I would be happier there in the longrun, Where I live at the moment is really transient, people come and go. Its like living on someone else's ex patriate experience. I wouldn't regret the move.

You need to separate your relationship issues from your desire to move to the Cotswolds. You seem almost obsessive about moving, but as other have said your kids will not want to go, the divorce (if it happens) is likely to be stressful for them and forcing a move on them as well would just make things worse. Housing might be cheaper in the country - though the Cotswolds is not exactly bargain basement - but you will spend more on your car, heating bills will be higher and cultural and social life will be much more restricted than in London.

I think it's quite common to feel trapped in family life from time to time, but is the grass really greener on your own/in the Cotswolds/by the coast etc?

I think that while you are dwelling on what you don’t have/are lacking as much as you clearly are, you’re never going to be giving your marriage a real fighting chance. Which is your choice, but if therapy is stand any chance of working then you have to let some of that resentment go.

I also think you need to realise that re. relocation, there are way more spinning plates there than you realise with kids, no matter what you have been told your options are so far. You have secondary age kids who are in school where you are, so they are going to want to stay where they are.

I think there is a huge difference between being "in love" and loving someone.

Do you love him at all? Care about him?

If No then get the marriage ended ASAP, it's died and better for everyone to call it a day.

I live in the Cotswolds and pretty much every other family has another home in London and tribes of kids who happily split their time between the two. It’s pretty thoroughly gentrified.

How have dh managed it over the years.
1.Accepting responsibility: It's very easy to blame your partner for everything wrong in your life. But ultimately we both had to recognise how decisions we weren't happy with had happened. For example I wouldn't have years of built up resentment for me DH over golf now because it would have addressed years ago. But if I didn't well its done.

1. Acceptance: neither of us can change a single think that has happened before. So ruminating over it/ranting/using cold shoulder/silence only makes things worse.
2. Time away from the kids, picking different things each of us wants to do.
3. Increasing non sexual affection.
4. Turning off the tv/phone sitting down with a drink or a tea and chocolates and being active in our family life and planning for the week/month ahead.
5. Recognising that what we have built together has value. It means something to both of us.
6. Spending time on our interests out side of the home and each other.
7. Pretty much checking ourselves every single time we fall back into old habits.
8. Talking about goals/dreams/sex regularly.

10. Recognising it isn't up to my husband or anyone else to make me feel good about myself. 11. Recognising being bored sometimes is OK. Life can't be thrills and excitement all the time. And dissatisfaction sometimes is actually that. Being bored. 12. Not wanting to get divorced on the same day. Honestly, that has allowed us time to recentre and think.

To give you context during our marriage we have faced business collapse/severe financial difficulties to the point of being in a whisper away from losing the houses/multiple miscarriages/loss of a child/child with severel health issues/number of health issues for me. So it hasn't been just waking up one day and saying oh I don't really fancy this any more.

We don't believe relationships should be particularly hard work. But we do agree if that if shit hits the fan it does take hard work to get back on track.

Along with all the normal day to stuff that comes with long term relationships.

Could we have an easier life with someone else?

Possibly, could someone give me that butterfly feeling other than my dh of course so could he find it with someone else.

But I love my husband and I value the challenges/wins/happiness we have experienced.

That doesn't mean I haven't wanted to walk away and never ever look back. Him the same.

What age are you ? I know when you get to perimenopause it can make you feel quite irrationally, I'm not saying you are , but it's just a thought .

Oh and fun. As in had to learn to be able to laugh and joke with each other again.

@Mistyroad I am 46. I am on HRT (oestrogen gel etc) and it has been a game changer for me. So, in a way I think my confidence to make changes in my life actually comes from the HRT, rather than feeling tired, low etc as I did before. I look and feel better than ever which has given me the energy to face the changes I need to in my life.

@BMW6 I care about him as the father of my children, so yes I do care for him. I always will. But as I said before, I'm not sure that I would be jealous if he met someone else. I would actually be happy if he met someone nice who the children liked as it would make this situation so much easier. I struggle with the concept that we are supposed to accept that marriage can be loveless, like two friends parenting together. Surely life must be better than this :(