I don't love my husband anymore

[Womblemom]

After 20 years together, and 15 years married, I told my husband I don't love him any more in early December. I told him I couldn't see us growing old together and I wanted a divorce.

We haven't had a big relationship crisis such as an affair, money problems or arguments.

We have three kids together who are all still at school. For years he has worked hard and I have done the lions share of domestic and childcare stuff, We have no support from family and we don't live close to them.

We live in a suburban area of London. For about 10 years I have longed to live where I grew up in the Cotswolds. I find where we live really dull and have no real friends there, despite living here for 10 years. Five years ago, I became depressed and was put on anti depressants. I received CBT through NHS counselling where we talked through my issues. These were mainly having undiagnosed post natal depression after the birth of my second child and ongoing feelings of helplessness and loneliness, stemming from dissatisfaction in my marriage. My husband worked long hours when the children were small and still kept up his hobbies. He plays golf every weekend for at least one day. He has always been more forceful at getting his way in our relationship.

I tried discussing needing to move back when I was depressed years ago, this ended up in a few arguments. In the last one, my husband said he would never have married me if he knew I'd wanted to move out of London. To be honest, I was shocked that anyone wouldn't want to move out of London so it didn't come up before we married. All of our friends have moved out of London over the years.

My husband has never paid me a compliment when we've been married, never holds my hand or acts affectionally. Sex became another job around the house, I did it because if we stopped, we wouldn't be married anymore.

The kids are older now, two are at secondary school, and I have reached crisis point, I just don't love him. I have started to fall other people and I just need to be with someone else. I long for this, my heart aches to be with someone else.

We have a lot of equity on our home and I can afford to move home without him if we divide our assets. I don't have a firm plan but would like to move back to the Cotswolds and be near real friends, not isolated here.

After telling my husband that I wanted a divorce, he has transformed into the most amazing husband, the friends that he has confided in are shocked and they keep telling me how "sad" they are about our news, and how perfect we are. I know this isn't true in my soul. My husband is adamant that we "try" but I genuinely don't know what that means. How can I force myself to love someone? I feel lost, at sea, and would prefer to move forward with separation as it feels so phoney. We are at Relate and it has been no help whatsoever. In fact it has made us argue more.

Please can anyone comment if you have been in the same situation or fell out of love? I am being made to feel that it is simply a matter of time and things can be magical again simply but talking and doing couple's exercises. Has anyone else found Relate useful? Any shared experiences? Most of my friends are not independent from our relationship and simply want us to stay together for the children. I long to be without him.

Am I making a big mistake or am I being brave in saying how I really feel. Help! :(

Thank you! I wish you were my therapist!

You really don't, lol, my own life is a car crash. But thank you for the compliment and I'm really happy if anything I said was helpful to you.

@Womblemom I think you should definitely have your own therapist. I'm a big believer in having your own space to talk and process.

And they should challenge you and make you think beyond how your feeling. Because sometimes I have found there is stuff hidden under my emotions I don't always recognise.

Something my therapist asked me was how did I think my dh would describe me as his partner.

It was eye opening for me personally to see I wasn't as blameless as I thought and some of my resentment had very little to do with him.

The horse has clearly bolted on your relationship. A day of golf a week while the kids are little and living 7 hours away from your family and not moving when all the children were young and it would have been much easier - I can see why you're unhappy.

Living in the Cotswolds could be really good for younger children. How old are the ones you said aren't thriving? If you asked all three, do you think they'd want to move?

I assume the eldest would prefer to stay in their current school, but do you know if this is the case?

OP, although I do believe some people need a wake-up call, in most cases, this sort of change from a partner just signifies something negative - it shows that the other person is only willing to change when they are in danger of losing something they want, which is their partner. This is puzzling for many as some horrible people can really still want to be with someone, even if they don't treat them very well or respect them. It just depends on what they're getting from that relationship and if they want to hold onto whatever that is.

Your sadness and loneliness wasn't enough in the past as he was probably cocky enough to think you'd never leave. He's had 20 years to get to know you, know exactly who you are......so why the big personality change now? It's most likely because he's anxious you'll actually leave. If so, expect him to be a dreamboat for a few weeks, a few months at most, and then he'll find it all too much hard work and then you'll be back to normal this time next year.

You can give him another chance, but just prepare yourself that he'll revert back to how he used to be in time.

People can say what they want. Most are full of shit. Its easy to say, leave him, go to councelling but only you know what you want and can afford. Will he stay nice?

@earthsight

j think it’s more likely it’s his current lifestyle and family life that he doesn’t want to lose rather than the OP.

@Seesay Not a given - he might want to keep the emotional support she provides and the sex, for example. Obviously that's different from loving her as a whole person.

Thats awful. Thats a real person that wrote up there, be kind.

Is depression something everyone goes through to push through frustration? Is everyone ‘mentally ill’ at some point in their lives? #mentalhealth

Moving doesn't have to be "upheaval". I have many friends who moved out of London and surroundings areas and in all cases children are very happy (primary and secondary ages).
What complicates your situation is the divorce and arranging custody /visitations. Children might as well chose to stay with their father or might resent you for moving away from him etc. Nobody knows what the outcome would be but you need to think about all the possibilities.
I think we can all be unhappy in variety of different ways. It's one thing to have very common feelings of disappointment in relationship that can be overcomed, then there is the type of unhappiness that can slowly be killing you inside. Nobody can tell you what is true in your case and too be honest you probably can't possibly fully know either. Have you thought about individual counseling to help you figure things out?

Get your divorce op and go home if the move won't have a huge impact on your kids, they adapt. So often we sacrifice ourselves to look after others and at some point you have to look after yourself. Can you take the kids for a weekend and see how you feel about being 'at home' be mindful your desire to move isn't to simply run from the life you currently have. Good luck 💐

Actually can’t believe how selfish people are! Bringing children into the world, they never asked to be here, then fcking them over because of what you want. Poor kids.
Not that one should stay in a bad marriage - however the consequences and explosive impact on the family can be softened. For eg. split but don’t make them change schools / friends / home as well. Their parents separating is bad enough.

So op should be completely miserable for the sake of her kids? That'll be great for them. Bore off. Not everything is about kids and they are for more resilient than they are given credit for.

No but she can divorce her husband and live separately without moving schools and clubs and friendships for her children. Her kids will be shuttling over 100 miles each way per weekend. That does seem mean.

I agree with @Blanket601 in that there's divorcing in a considered way that has the least possible impact on the children, and then there's moving 100 miles away from their father and expecting them to negotiate that both physically and emotionally, while maintaining a relationship with him, making new friends, changing schools, starting again. Moving areas would absolutely intensify the situation, and yes they'd cope, yes kids are resilient because they have no choice, but would it be what's best for them? Probably not.

I don't doubt you feel like sodding it all and hopping on a bus to the Cotswolds, it sounds miserable and I don't blame you, but a big part of the deal with being a good parent is compromise, and it's not school age children that should be doing that, it's the adults. A new therapist and a plan involving a middle ground that centers the children for now would be best.

I wouldn’t assume.

dc1 has been vocal about him wanting to move away from where we live since Y7~8
dc2 wouldn’t have been that bothered either.

Moving house, esp when it’s to go somewhere they love/like because 1- they are close to family and 2- they enjoy the outdoors etc… isn’t likely to lead to heartache. If the dcs love being in the London suburbs, then yes that’s different.

@JustExistingNotLiving under other circumstances no, moving to somewhere they love isn't a disaster, if they didn't have to spend every other weekend pinging back and forth on a 200 mile round commute.

I think if you have had to live being untrue to the person you are and your life with DH hasn’t aligned with how you truly want to live then it can easily lead to depression because there's dissonance. You need to spend some time either alone or with skilled person to find out what is important to you as an individual soul and then from that create a life that is right for you, with of course the health and happiness of your children to consider too.

When you met DH did you not talk about the vision you both had for your lives and futures? We thrashed all this stuff out when we were dating so it wasn’t a shock to DH that I always needed to end up in the country (and was therefore OK with living elsewhere as we had that aim). The same with childcare, jobs, parenting roles. It really sounds as if DH has got his own wayallthe time atyour expense, but did you ever communicate? Perhaps your love has died because you haven’t pulled together as a team and you just feel used. He sounds selfish but what is your role in letting life Be this way, you have had choices throughout, you are not just a victim of circumstances.

The answer to whether love can rekindle surely is whether your DH really didn’t realise what was going on but with truthful communication from both sides could he understand and make a new start with you where you are equal partners. Can you explore why he never says positive words to you or shows affection? Do you towards him? It sounds very cold.

Some counselling methods are so frustrating where they simply reflect back what you are saying and don’t help at all. Can you find someone better for you individually and as a couple? Friends are a huge influence on how happy many of us are so I can understand your pull to somewhere you have that. Good luck OP and if you are yearning for something better deeper with more meaning for your life don’t give up until you find it.

90 minutes from your teenage children is a very, very long way away.

Honestly OP in the plans you've currently described I would expect to lose them from your life.

I think you need to make a more realistic plan for a family life post separation.

Comprehension and logic not a strong point of yours then?

Or maybe their father could get off the sodding golf course every other weekend and come to spend time with them in their new area. Sounds like spending quality time with his children hasn't been his priority in the past, so maybe he could make more effort in the future.

OP honestly you still sound totally delusional. You keep talking about "the move" as though it's a done deal and an inevitability and ignoring all the sensible and honest comments that any move out of London is highly likely to either destroy your children or destroy your relationship with them (or both). In your latest post what you describe is some sort of fantasy land. You are assuming that because you had a happy childhood in your home town that your children will be able to slot into it for the second half of their childhood as though nothing has happened.

Please stop ignoring everyone being pragmatic and truthful with you.

There are two things that can be true at once: 1. You should and will divorce your husband 2. You should stay in or near to London for the sake of your children.

Unless you genuinely don't give a shit about your children and/or the relationship you will have with them, for gods sake don't divorce their father them move immediately 90 minutes away from them. If it's with them, you will cause trauma. If it's without them, you will cause abandonment issues and trauma of a different kind. You are being maddeningly naive and selfish by continuing with the idea that you can move to the Cotswolds (where the streets are paved with gold) and everything will be solved.

Coming back to one of your original questions, yes, you are brave for speaking out and contemplating such a major life change. And telling your husband how you feel is definitely the right thing to do. It is not fair on either of you to be living a lie.

The only thing I wonder, is whether he had any inkling that's how you felt before you disclosed it? It certainly sounds as though you have already checked out of your marriage and perhaps did so some time ago. If he had no idea he possibly feels blindsided, so is in panic mode as in his head this is early days so perhaps fixable, when in fact it's not. He possibly just needs some time to catch up with your plans.

I think the renting idea is spot on. It will help you determine if getting out of the marriage is enough and will suffice if your children do not want to move.

Could. Probably won't.

@DepartureLounge