I don't love my husband anymore

[Womblemom]

After 20 years together, and 15 years married, I told my husband I don't love him any more in early December. I told him I couldn't see us growing old together and I wanted a divorce.

We haven't had a big relationship crisis such as an affair, money problems or arguments.

We have three kids together who are all still at school. For years he has worked hard and I have done the lions share of domestic and childcare stuff, We have no support from family and we don't live close to them.

We live in a suburban area of London. For about 10 years I have longed to live where I grew up in the Cotswolds. I find where we live really dull and have no real friends there, despite living here for 10 years. Five years ago, I became depressed and was put on anti depressants. I received CBT through NHS counselling where we talked through my issues. These were mainly having undiagnosed post natal depression after the birth of my second child and ongoing feelings of helplessness and loneliness, stemming from dissatisfaction in my marriage. My husband worked long hours when the children were small and still kept up his hobbies. He plays golf every weekend for at least one day. He has always been more forceful at getting his way in our relationship.

I tried discussing needing to move back when I was depressed years ago, this ended up in a few arguments. In the last one, my husband said he would never have married me if he knew I'd wanted to move out of London. To be honest, I was shocked that anyone wouldn't want to move out of London so it didn't come up before we married. All of our friends have moved out of London over the years.

My husband has never paid me a compliment when we've been married, never holds my hand or acts affectionally. Sex became another job around the house, I did it because if we stopped, we wouldn't be married anymore.

The kids are older now, two are at secondary school, and I have reached crisis point, I just don't love him. I have started to fall other people and I just need to be with someone else. I long for this, my heart aches to be with someone else.

We have a lot of equity on our home and I can afford to move home without him if we divide our assets. I don't have a firm plan but would like to move back to the Cotswolds and be near real friends, not isolated here.

After telling my husband that I wanted a divorce, he has transformed into the most amazing husband, the friends that he has confided in are shocked and they keep telling me how "sad" they are about our news, and how perfect we are. I know this isn't true in my soul. My husband is adamant that we "try" but I genuinely don't know what that means. How can I force myself to love someone? I feel lost, at sea, and would prefer to move forward with separation as it feels so phoney. We are at Relate and it has been no help whatsoever. In fact it has made us argue more.

Please can anyone comment if you have been in the same situation or fell out of love? I am being made to feel that it is simply a matter of time and things can be magical again simply but talking and doing couple's exercises. Has anyone else found Relate useful? Any shared experiences? Most of my friends are not independent from our relationship and simply want us to stay together for the children. I long to be without him.

Am I making a big mistake or am I being brave in saying how I really feel. Help! :(

@Wonderingforever Thank you so much for your comments. This is really helpful. Thanks for sharing your story. Have you ever fancied other people though? This is the biggest red flag for me though, when I get crushes on others. Is this normal? Have you only had eyes for each other?

Tbh my biggest issue is the way your dh reacted.

So you say you want a divorce and suddenly he is willing to try and do what you’ve asked for years? I’d want to tell him to fuck off tbh.

And can you fall back in love? Well maybe. But HE would have to do a hell of a lot work to make you seen, respected and appreciated.
It’s not something that will happen just because you’ve worked at it and you suddenly have changed your feelings about him. He will have to do the work too.

You said you wanted a divorce and it seems he has talked you about of it, for a while. But you still want a divorce. So you could just go and do it?

Not being flippant btw, I'm just wondering why you don't just go ahead with your original plan. You don't need his agreement.

@Wonderingforever i agree with your list.

But it has to start with
Both partners respect each other as equals. It is not ok for one partner to have the upper hand and force their way in the relationship. And a balanced marriage shouldn’t rest in the other person strongly holding onto their boundaries and calling the other one out each time they do. Each partner should act with respect, including respect for their partner’s boundaries and needs.

That means the dh should never have insisted on the weekly day at the golf just because they wanted it and with no regard to the impact on the OP.
Its also not ok to say it’s somehow first and foremost the OP responsibility because she didn’t call him out (esp as I suspect she actually did but he took no notice)

@Squit I am from this area, it's where I grew up so it's home.

@lizkt Thank you - telling him I wanted to leave was like jumping out of a plane not knowing if I had a parachute attached. It took so much guts to actually come out with how I feel, it would have been so much easier just to potter through life not saying anything. I feel as though he has dragged me back into the plane and pushed me into Relate in a desperate attempt to get me to stay. This is why I am questioning things so much, as I now wonder how it is possible to fall back in love with someone and it makes me question what trying really means. Every time I try and explain that I don't love him he says I'm not trying, and I agreed to try. I think some comments on here are valid, I am focusing too much on the move. On a basic level, I just don't want to be with my husband.

I'm glad you're feeling good !! I'm in the same situation tbh , 25 year relationship and want out , but not married so can't afford to leave.
You've got to get a plan in place first , you've got 3 children and you need to sort out their needs as well as your own.
I know you want to get away from your husband but that is going to take time , it isn't going to happen overnight.

Yeah it really doesn't sound like you want to be with him at all. Once you get the ick (or it's just gone) it doesn't really come back. And it doesn't matter how much he tries to change if you're at this point.

Would you consider getting divorced and staying in London? Much easier for the children.
Or alternatively, letting your husband be the resident parent and moving to the Cotswolds alone?
However much better you think life would be for them in the Cotswolds, there are at least as many arguments in favour of London.

@Mistyroad Thanks - sorry to hear you feel the same. Yes, in fact after his shock when I first attempted to leave, the news is beginning to sink in. We are decorating the house a bit and refreshing the kitchen, as well as getting an estate agent round for an initial conversation. Things will take a while I am prepared to invest time in planning the best outcome in a difficult situation.

Of course I'm not blind and we ve been together a long time.

And usually when I'm leaning out of my relationship rather than in to. Disconnection from your self and your partner creates space.

And is it nice to know if something happened with DH I would be able to form attractions with other people. Yes

He 100% could as well. If we broke up he would be able to have another relationship.

Has it ever been enough to seriously threaten my relationship no.

Goodness, his sounds more messed up that you are giving it credit for. Of course you can divorce, without question, but you are blaming him for a lot whilst taking little responsibility.

Do you really think moving will be the answer to a lot of the issues, because I fear not. You find London suburbs dull, but Cotswolds whilst very beautiful, aren't exciting.

You've made no friends there in 10 years. Why?

5 years ago, you became depressed, but that is a massive thing, how much of that is still unresolved?

Why didn't you keep up your hobbies, and be more demonstrative generally?

The no hands, no compliments thing is not good. Why would be so unloving? Is he like that generally? Always has been or changed?

I know what you mean OP, not about DH ( thank heavens) but about wanting to move to somewhere you yearn for. I’ve had this twice in my life ( once to the Cotswolds, maybe not coincidentally, once to a particular town in France). Quite a lot of upheaval, in both cases, but actually totally worthwhile. They were my places….

I think from your statements you maybe mean near Charlbury? if so, I understand. It’s a very special area.

@MrsSchrute Yes, I would consider staying but he knows that it would make me unhappy. I am not planning on doing anything that involve fighting in court and my husband is aware of this. I know how I am coming across on here about the move (there is a lot of background to this). We are at an early stage so its all up for negotiation.

Honestly you need to see a better solicitor first the odds of a meesher order letting you stay in marital home that long are slim unless he agrees. You are proposing a massive upheaval for your children and seem to have no concerns about the negative affect on them?! Do you really not see it?
By all means divorce your husband but I would seriously consider staying in London or a suburb of London until youngest is older!

You sound wealthy can you manage a small second home in Cotswolds

It sounds like you are done to be honest so relate is a complete waste of time. The moving away bit won’t be easy though particularly in respect of what to do with the kids. You say he couldn’t manage but he could potentially pay someone to if he doesn’t have to pay maintenance etc. He may fight you on this and I can’t see kids wanting to leave their friends to go and live in the Cotswolds.

Is there a way you could stay in London nd try nesting at least until the kids are older. You could go to the costswalds during your free time or free weekends.

It sounds like it’s really getting you down.

I think you're being extremely naive if you think fucking off to the Cotswolds will solve all your problems.

Every time I try and explain that I don't love him he says I'm not trying, and I agreed to try.

But he is trying to win you back, changed his behaviour, stopped his weekly golf sessions etc…. ?
there are reasons why you fell out of love. You won’t fall back in love of those reasons are still there.

Re the move.
dh recently wanted to move.
i didn’t. The place he wanted to go just didn’t work for me (many reasons there).
In the end, we stayed where we are. But I was clear in my head that, if dh stuck to his move, we would have gone different ways.
And it’s ok. Simply a case of having different views of what the future will be, our respective needs etc…. If DH needed to be at that place was so great and my needs to stay were also non negotiable, then so be it.

You need to be clear what that move means for you and in particular, if moving would actually solve the issues you hope it will - loneliness etc…

Ahhh...so I'm coming from we did move with our little family. Lived a long way from my family into the city he lived all his life. I won't lie I hated it but said nothing and put up with it. Then one day after our 4 th child was born I sat down with him one night and said I can't do it anymore please can we move. We discussed it for the next few weeks and within a month he got a job transfer and we got a house near my family back to the area where I'm from. Fortunately our love and wanting better for the children worked for us. 3 years in the city was enough for me it was breaking me down. Now hubby loves the country and often says why did he never venture far lol. 2 years on the little ones about to start school and we are all happy. We stil communicate often make sure we are all on the same page and still happy.

Just as a consideration, I moved from London to a Shire as a child and it messed me up for years. Fucked off back to London as soon as I could and it took me a long time to 100% forgive my parents, even though I knew they didn’t really have a choice. I think you’re being very naive to think life would be all rosy elsewhere.

@Oblomov23

Do you really think moving will be the answer to a lot of the issues, because I fear not. You find London suburbs dull, but Cotswolds whilst very beautiful, aren't exciting.

• I am from the place I want to move to, I grew up there. I have a large group of friends who I see regularly, and there is so much to do that I love. I stayed recently on my own and had a great time catching up with them all, going out for meals and doing lots of stuff outdoors. I get your comment about London. But I don't live in central London, suburbia is so dull. Plus what good is the city when there is no one to enjoy it with? Fixing a date to meet an old Uni friend who also lives in London for cocktails has taken 4 months. I will still be working in Central London and be here every week to enjoy the City.

You've made no friends there in 10 years. Why?

• I can't really answer this! Maybe people just don't like me.... :) I try to initiate social things with other mums in the area but it has died out once the children are older and their friendships move on. FRiendships have always been superficial and based on who my child is friends with. After ten years it gets tiring constantly making the effort to initiate things. I would love an invite out.... even the Book Club is invite only. People just aren't very friendly. It is very transient here in London, so people move from aboard, enjoy an expat experience, socialise with people who speak their own language and then move on. Most of my real friends live back home where I want to move.

5 years ago, you became depressed, but that is a massive thing, how much of that is still unresolved?

• I became depressed because my husband wouldn't move out of London and he controlled all the decisions. I felt very trapped and in an unloving relationship. I couldn't work at the time due to supporting him in his career, we have no support with childcare as we don't live near family. I now work part time. So that issue remains unresolved and the resentment that has grown is huge.

Why didn't you keep up your hobbies, and be more demonstrative generally?

• My hobbies are running, gardening and walking. Fitness in general, cooking. I love it when I go back home and go running and walking. And the gardening would also be better out of London. I am a born country girl. Would you suggest any hobbies? Can you explain what you mean by demonstrative?

The no hands, no compliments thing is not good. Why would be so unloving? Is he like that generally? Always has been or changed?

• He has been like this for the entire time we have been together. Except now, he is all over me now I want to leave. I get compliments from others, daily (not just men, women too). I scrub up quite well for my age :) I think he could say "You look nice" when I've done my hair and applied make up to go out. Particularly when he notices that people turn to look at me in restaurants etc...

Reading MN, there seems to be so many stories of being ‘fucked up’ by a move.

Its so far away from my experience and the one of other people I know that moved to other places (and by that I include moving to other countries, not just within the same country)

I never quite understood why the difference in experience. Maybe it’s because we tend to hear more from people who struggled? But a poor outcome is certainly not an automatic response to a move.

I think a lot depends on the ages of the children. Teen years are much harder and unless your child is currently unhappy they are unlikely to want to move.
I wouldn't move teens unless it absolutely could not be avoided.

Obviously. I can only talk about my own experience, though. It’s not something I speak about much in real life – I’m an adult now, and over it – but I do talk about it here when it comes up.

Moving area is challenging for adults. I’d argue it is moreso for older children and teens.