I don't love my husband anymore

[Womblemom]

After 20 years together, and 15 years married, I told my husband I don't love him any more in early December. I told him I couldn't see us growing old together and I wanted a divorce.

We haven't had a big relationship crisis such as an affair, money problems or arguments.

We have three kids together who are all still at school. For years he has worked hard and I have done the lions share of domestic and childcare stuff, We have no support from family and we don't live close to them.

We live in a suburban area of London. For about 10 years I have longed to live where I grew up in the Cotswolds. I find where we live really dull and have no real friends there, despite living here for 10 years. Five years ago, I became depressed and was put on anti depressants. I received CBT through NHS counselling where we talked through my issues. These were mainly having undiagnosed post natal depression after the birth of my second child and ongoing feelings of helplessness and loneliness, stemming from dissatisfaction in my marriage. My husband worked long hours when the children were small and still kept up his hobbies. He plays golf every weekend for at least one day. He has always been more forceful at getting his way in our relationship.

I tried discussing needing to move back when I was depressed years ago, this ended up in a few arguments. In the last one, my husband said he would never have married me if he knew I'd wanted to move out of London. To be honest, I was shocked that anyone wouldn't want to move out of London so it didn't come up before we married. All of our friends have moved out of London over the years.

My husband has never paid me a compliment when we've been married, never holds my hand or acts affectionally. Sex became another job around the house, I did it because if we stopped, we wouldn't be married anymore.

The kids are older now, two are at secondary school, and I have reached crisis point, I just don't love him. I have started to fall other people and I just need to be with someone else. I long for this, my heart aches to be with someone else.

We have a lot of equity on our home and I can afford to move home without him if we divide our assets. I don't have a firm plan but would like to move back to the Cotswolds and be near real friends, not isolated here.

After telling my husband that I wanted a divorce, he has transformed into the most amazing husband, the friends that he has confided in are shocked and they keep telling me how "sad" they are about our news, and how perfect we are. I know this isn't true in my soul. My husband is adamant that we "try" but I genuinely don't know what that means. How can I force myself to love someone? I feel lost, at sea, and would prefer to move forward with separation as it feels so phoney. We are at Relate and it has been no help whatsoever. In fact it has made us argue more.

Please can anyone comment if you have been in the same situation or fell out of love? I am being made to feel that it is simply a matter of time and things can be magical again simply but talking and doing couple's exercises. Has anyone else found Relate useful? Any shared experiences? Most of my friends are not independent from our relationship and simply want us to stay together for the children. I long to be without him.

Am I making a big mistake or am I being brave in saying how I really feel. Help! :(

Sounds as if the move might be a positive one for them then?

Cant help but overlay any advice with how one’s own kids would react - mine would go mental if taken away from their friends / social life but they are a little older and girls so not into gaming. If you are going to move them all would definitely do it sooner rather than later as easier to move younger kids.

I'm presuming you live in Wimbledon looking at your name? I might be wrong- must admit I like Wimbledon ! We live in Bath and I'm Presuming it's here, Cheltenham or Cirencester/stroud you are looking at. Personally I love it here and yes if it was here-I do understand your reasons-still think it's something to do in stages

I have been with my husband for 48 years having met young. We care about each other but live separate lives. His life is full of friendships and he keeps himself busy. Where I feel isolated and it’s very sad. Pretending to others like it’s all good, he was always selfish looking back but because I spent most of my adult life looking after others I suppose I ignored it.

If I had my time again I would have ended the marriage years ago. Feel like I am stuck in a rut looking at repeating the same pattern of my mums life.

I am not a victim and am strong, but always never thought of myself.

Go with your gut and don’t ignore it! One life which is yours.

OP - your posts jump
around and are a bit like quicksand - as you seem it change things around to maintain your narrative that the only thing that’ll make you happy is to move back to where you were happy as a teenager.
And you see to genuinely think that everybody must see it as the only solution.

You are depressed, you are not depressed. Your H has long term friends nearby… Why have you not made friends with them? - they moved away… You were resentful of parents for moving away in your 20s…. You are actually happy for them. Etc.

I do realise it’s pointless to write anything here. I have a couple of friends like you - they tend to be constantly down for various external reasons. It’s always other people or circumstances’ fault and if only …. been different. Then when things change they fixate on something else to be unhappy about. It is draining to be their friends, so these days i just listen, as I realise they don’t want solutions, or try to feel better.
It all got worse in meri - by mid 40s with hormones all over, even with HRT.

You are really responsible for your own happiness. It’s hard to admit it and hard to change if you have gone through life blaming circumstances and other people and expecting them to make their lives about you.
But this is how you are and you are not going to change.

Wimbledon, or an area like that is a lovely place to raise children. It is in fact the area people from Zone 1 move to for space/greenery. All hobbies you mention are possible there. And people who move there make friends over time.
I feel somewhat bad for your H - it’s not great to live with a spouse who is like you are. Not satisfied with life that is by all accounts fairly privileged. And blaming him for how she feels.

I don’t know if there is a solution. I don’t think there is a solution where everybody comes out happy here.

You are really responsible for your own happiness.

To be fair, she's trying to take charge of her own happiness, only to be told off for the choices she's contemplating by people like you, feeling "bad" for her husband for having to live with such a "privileged", "draining", "blaming" spouse, expecting him to make his life "all about" her.

She's trying to leave and looking for support. Dig deep and see if you can manage to be less spiteful to a woman in crisis.

Well, that's one way of looking at it.

@DepartureLounge

To be fair - OP is not simply trying to take responsibility for her happiness and just leave a marriage. She isn’t complaining about a terrible abusive H she needs to leave…

She has married and settled into a life in a London suburb. Moving away was never discussed. They had three kids there. And, seemingly, instead of making a life and a home for her family - OP spent 10+ years mopping around because it’s not the area she grew up in.

What a way to live, instead of focusing on the kids and making the best life for all. Which is not a hardship really in an areal like Wimbledon.

I have a lot of friends that live all over, and sometimes move because of a spouse’s job, or other circumstances. And one can do it with a negative or a positive attitude. One can complain and be unhappy - or make the best of it. This is how you take responsibility for your own happiness.

If OP was a friend - this is exactly what i’d tell her.

I am EXACTLY the same as you. I could have written that post myself. I told my husband late last year and we're now separated. We also have children and I hung in for their sakes for so long. Hands down it is the best decision I ever made to end the marriage. I can't remember feeling as happy as I do now. The kids are absolutely fine too which is amazing.
We had a tiny bit of counselling but my heart just wasn't in it and I knew I just didn't want to be with him.
Go with your gut instinct and feel free to DM if you want to talk further

@MMmomDD there is one thing you’re missing though.

It can be extremely hard to make friends in a new area.
There are many threads on here about posters struggling to make friends after moving to new area. I’ve had a few people telling me it took them more than 10 years to finally feel ‘included’ p. And many posters go on about the fact they already have their friends and family so why make the effort to get to know the newcomer?

So from what I read, I wouldn’t be quick to assume that the OP has been moping around for 10 years mourning where she grew up.
The longing for ‘being back home’ might well be a symptom of having tried for many years and not succeeded to settle. That’s not ‘not taking no responsibility for her happiness’. That’s just struggling.

@JustExistingNotLiving

Yes - of course it can be hard in a new area.
Especially if moving in midlife.
But OP moved to London after Uni, it seems. Has settled with a Londoner. And had three kids.

The area OP is describing is not some isolated tight knit rural area where it's hard to fit in as an outsider. I happen to live not they far where i think she lives and know people who moved or live in similar area.
There are all kinds of people and cultures. And when people have kids - mothers tend to meet so many friends through them.

OP seems to be all about explanations of why she didn’t.
But it’s less about that and more about the fact that instead of focusing on kids - and making what you can with where she is - she decided that moving the whole family is the only answer to her homesickness.
To a place that is only home to 1 of their 5 person family.

Many of you seem unnecessarily harsh I feel and also obsessed with her dream of moving to the place she loves when she expressly said that the main thing here is her marriage problems. So unless your husband is abusive or you live in some rats nest you're a selfish cow if you're not happy? Maybe I understand OP better than some of you because I recognised a lot of it in my own situation. There can be many many little things in the course of a marriage that whittles away at your feelings for the other person and I think having the feeling that what YOU want is never heard or taken seriously by the partner is very damaging. I have been wanting to move back to my country of origin for a long time, also because I want my kids to have a feeling of belonging there plus language/family etc and those feelings of longing for a place can be really powerful. I sympathise with you OP and totally understand where you're coming from. I think there is a chance that the need to leave London immediately will be less urgent once you no longer feel trapped by your marriage.

Bloody hell, when did postnatal depression become "moping around"?

OP should leave the marriage if she is not happy with her H. Absolutely. Leave, set up two homes, co-parent.

But this is not what she came here to talk about.

If you read through her posts it IS mostly about longing to be where she grew up, where she was happy as a child.
And the only thing she said about her H - he worked a lot; doesn’t compliment her; and, his biggest crime - when OP suddenly decided moving was key to her happiness - he did not jump to the idea. Maybe thinking about his kids being settled; his job; and the fact that this is where they have settled more than 10years ago.
Then her posts go on to explain why everybody should think the way she does.

@ HomeBitterSweet - of course missing home country, culture and family is understandable. But London suburb vs Cotswolds - are hardly world apart culturally, etc.

@ DepartureLounge - ‘moping around’ was not about PND, obviously.

Of course - this obsessive need to uproot her life and going as far as saying she’d move leaving kids behind - sounds a lot like unmanaged depression.

But OP doesn’t want to question that and in her latter posts said she was never depressed.

OP is probably not coming back. But at least she and her H are doing counselling and maybe something good comes out of that.

Homebittersweethome It is reassuring to read your post as I also feel trapped in a marriage that has gone wrong over several years.

There can be many many little things in the course of a marriage that whittles away at your feelings for the other person and I think having the feeling that what YOU want is never heard or taken seriously by the partner is very damaging.

I can relate to this so much. I don't feel properly seen or heard. Also, a few boundaries have been crossed (on his part) have inflicted further damage along with poor emotional support over the years, I suppose you could say it's been accumulative. I have children and have been trying to park these feelings whilst coming to believe I am in the (long) process of working my way out.

I also understand the feeling of wanting to make a break for it although my version is moving across county rather than moving counties. Sometimes when it feels difficult to change a situation such as improving a relationship, it can seem easier to make a physical change such as a move to a different area.

Moving to Cheltenham is not going to fix your depression, and you are not going to experience it in the same way that you did as a schoolgirl.

Hi @Squit I was wondering if i could hear more of your story? I hope you're all doing well now?

I am looking for advice.
After 22 years I am serious about leaving my partner. I have not been fully happy for at least 10 years. I remember going on holiday, 10 years ago and being utterly miserable. In the past he has been possessive, abusive and accused me of things I have never done. He has calmed down in the last few years, but every time I do something for myself ie, go out with friends I am paranoid and feel like I have to go home early, or pretend I have had a miserable night, due to how he used to be. I feel I live my life for everyone else, to make them happy. I no longer fancy my husband, but have sex with him to keep him happy and stop him being moody around the house, both with me and our 4 children. I am starting to dread being at home with him, and prefer going to work. I have recently begun a friendship with another man, nothing intimate has happened, just talking, but I have feeling for him, and he has them for me. He tells me he will wait for me. I am stuck between doing the right thing and making myself happy.
my partner is not a bad man, and I am scared of breaking his heart and how he will react.

It amazes me how many people share intimate personal details of their relationship on public forums, yet they don't have the courage to speak to their wife/ husband.

It also annoys me how everyone just finds it easy to advise - separate, you are better off alone and all that. People want to break up and to get a fake sense of clear conscience, validate themselves by seeking agreements from others.

I know one thing, that you can never guide someone without listening to both sides.

Please don't be offended by my post. No one in this world has telepathic powers to read our minds. We are so close to other people on our smartphones, yet we are becoming so distant from our loved ones. The selfishness of one individual can break apart the family and leave the children with our emotional baggage to deal with - as much as everyone disagrees.

I have suffered. I know

The unfortunate work life is consuming most marriages and long term relationships in UK. In time such as this, remember what brought you together.. people don't just grow apart. We do it to ourselves.

Have you moved?? Is it better? My husband and I also have real problems because I am am living near his home and not mine.

I can relate to how you feel. Except it's the opposite for me. We have moved to a small island in Norway, in the middle of nowhere and it's in the north of Norway so it's very dark for several months of the year. I feel completely cut off from everyone and everything. I am British and my husband is Norwegian, it doesn't seem to bother him living out here but it's really affecting my mental health. At the moment I'm at home with our 7 month old son all day with no one to talk to. I can go for walks but it's all just road and forest. The reason we moved here is we were able to buy a house very very cheap. However, I'm pretty sure the house is infested with mice. I hear them in the roof at night and I've heard them in the walls in our living room. Today I saw one in our living room for the first time and I was horrified, I had heard them but didn't think they had a way into our living space and this is just the last straw for me. I have been telling my husband for months that I could hear them but he did nothing about it and that has really irritated me.If you really want to leave your husband and are miserable and really can't see things improving then I would do so but it seems like maybe you aren't sure... I have thought about leaving my husband many times and am constantly back and forth, because I guess I keep hoping things will change and he will make an effort....not happened yet, although he seems to think he is 😫 But anyway I thought I would share my perspective on the whole moving part. Are you sure you want to move somewhere more remote? because it will cut you off more from people, facilities, leisure activities etc... that might not help with your depression...

You have my sympathies. In the past two days an intruder has appeared between the floorboards in our house and hearing it scuttle from one side of the room to the other is doing my head in! HATE mice. The traps are being prepared.

I definitely couldn't put up with what you are going through. And the isolation, how do you manage? Would love to visit Norway though...keep getting those cruise adverts to see the Fjords.

Oh no!, it's horrible isn't it? It's making my skin crawl 😫 I don't really manage, I try to make sure I go out every day but even that doesn't help anymore, I'm just at breaking point now🙈

@Womblemomthis thread has popped up today for some reason. What did you do in the end?